Guest guest Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 This seems to be the nature of BPD parenting, that it's not always as " obvious " as, say, severely beating a child. Sure makes it harder on us to pull away as we get older and decide we can't/won't take it anymore. And again, it can be like that 1,000 pounds of feathers thing, where one incident can maybe be written off as " well she was having bad day and she overreacted " but when it happens over and over, it really adds up. -Deanna > > I'm sorry, but what is he thinking when he tells his daughter of all > people to " tolerate and put up with " any kind of abuse? Ugh. > > I wonder how these same denial-happy family members would react if > they found out/suspected that one of our " chosen " relationships was > so abusive. Would they notice? Care? Believe us if we asked for > help? Or would they tell us that this, too, is our fault? > > Are we eternally the kids who cry " wolf " ? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 funny you should ask that. I had several chosen relationships that were abusive. Dad chewed me out for letting them control me. Saying " boy i would not tolerate that kind of abusive behavior. " calling me silly stupi idiotic for allowing myself to get in that kind of position. Then telling me finally he was " done meeting any more of my crazy friends. " Damn they dont put up with anything frm a stranger but allow it before thier very eyes at home. oh but its okay because shes my " Mother " and she loves me but she has a funny way of showing it. thanks, nan > > > > > > > > > > I finally confronted Dad on some issues about nada. Via > email. I > > > > didnt > > > > > expect him to agree with me but i was hoping at the very > least > > > > he'd > > > > > aknowledge how i feel and even told him so. He sent me this > > > email > > > > > characteristic of how he handles confrontations. Criticize > every > > > > single > > > > > statement i made not one " I agree " . In a nutshell, my > opinions > > > > mean > > > > > nothing to him and my feelings are just " theories " how is > that > > > for > > > > > support. I do feel TONS better for having confronted him. > But > > > > geesh > > > > > you'd think he could at least fake it and say " i understand > you > > > > feel > > > > > this way " I do feel bad for having made him so upset. I do > love > > > > him and > > > > > he's all i ever had. But it hurts knowing all I am to him is > an > > > > > ungratefull selfish brat with no feelings just theories. He > is > > > old > > > > and > > > > > past his time. I shouldn't dump all this on him. > > > > > > > > > > nan > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 yeah one reaction from us and it " what in the hell is the matter with you?! " (from dishrag) and " youre being too sensitive, you need to get over this detructive way of thinking " (from nada)and " your mother LOOOOVES you " (from disrag FOO) and " I think you need to have a long talk with God " (from grand-nada) nan PS and I was severly beaten as a child. Dad told her once " i'd better not ever catch you beating on the kids " He never did catch us becasue she never did it in front of him. I tried telling him what she was doing but he always ignored my tears and change the subject. > > > > I'm sorry, but what is he thinking when he tells his daughter of all > > people to " tolerate and put up with " any kind of abuse? Ugh. > > > > I wonder how these same denial-happy family members would react if > > they found out/suspected that one of our " chosen " relationships was > > so abusive. Would they notice? Care? Believe us if we asked for > > help? Or would they tell us that this, too, is our fault? > > > > Are we eternally the kids who cry " wolf " ? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Go Deanna! I love reading your posts. But this is such a lousy story - it is so obvious that your nada was acting like a 6-year-old and not at all like a parent. My nada also loves pitting siblings against one another. She used to try to tell me that I should try to be more popular like my sister, and would tell my sister that she didn't have any " real " friends and she should be more like me to have a few good friends than hundreds of acquaintances. Total 6- year-old behavior! Sara > > > > Yep its like they are real quick to defend nada and thier reasons > for tolerating > > and criticize you for having an opinion. bro tells him all kinds of > mean nasty > > things about nada and he listens to him and agrees. and he doesnt > bat and > > eylash when bro dumps on him. But i say one thing one opinion > pointing out > > one shred of truth. its allways an " ohhhhhhh " or complete ignoring and > > changing the subject. Such invalidation. and i used that term before > it was > > cool. Arguing with thim that my reasons were valid. he wouldnt hear > of it. > > > > It must really shatter thier word when you wont freely offer your > self as > > sacrificial lamb any more. And God forbid you should ever have any > feelings or > > express a need of your own. For me to exercise my right to voice an > opinion? > > unheard of. > > > > thanks so much for your supportive reply, > > We truly do understand one another. > > nan > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Well said Nan, that's my dad exactly. It's a generational thing, I think--valuing endurance as a " course of action " . Well, in this type of situation, silent indurance is a LACK of action, not a show of strength. Lots of fadas, it seems, are stoic towards the situations they should be confronting...and then take all their repressed anger out on those they should beadvocating (the kids). I wonder if there is a generational tendency there? Men raised with certain cultural values, putting up with certain kinds of abuse...their values being twisted somehow to serve the BPD's ends... Just my .02 Love, Vi Its like he thinks people deserve a medal for > suffering her abuse, not compassion. He thinks " tolerating and putting up with " > abuse is the same as dealing with abuse. Its not. People deal with it by > getting out or putting a stop to it, not by letting it happen over and over and > expecting others to do the same. He wants me to think and feel the same as > him. it aint gonna happen. > > nan > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 > > Yeah, I'm guessing that you're the one person in the family who ever > paused to say " hey, that's not right! " Even as a kid, I would > occasionally say stuff to my nada like " you don't want me to have any > fun. " Or " you LIKE it when I'm in pain. " She would tell me that was > ridiculous. And I'd think, yeah it does sound ridiculous... Speaking of ridiculous, I used to call this (in my mind) " you smelt it, you dealt it " reasoning. Like there wasn't a problem until you spoke up, and so the problem has ALWAYS been your fault. Lovely logic, eh? Duh, of course it sounded ridiculous. You were naming a ridiculous, absurd situation. You relied on what you thought was the rationality of others to see that, and change it. Instead, they turned your rationality against you as a weapon ( " yeah, I DO sound ridiculous...guess I AM crazy... " ). Nothing is beneath them to degrade, not even reality and rationality itself. > I've realized that my role in this family, as the youngest, as a > female, is at the bottom of the food chain, to take everyone's crap, > to listen to nada's raging, be her best friend, and not be allowed to > stand up for myself. How did I get stuck in that role? > > That's why I'm checking out. And the next time my brother calls me > stupid, I'm gonna tell him that I will not be talked to that way! > > Yay us! > > -Deanna You rule, Deanna! Sexism's bad enough, but combined with mental illness...woo! A lovely combo. Congrats for surviving it with some sense of yourself, and of humor, intact! :0 Love, Vi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 It goes back to thier own backgrounds. Dad's own fada was an alcoholic who berated him growing up. Sold all his tools for liquor and lost his job once. Alot of things didnt make sense I am sure. Thats how come dad grew up beleiving it was his lot in life to endure abuse. nan > Its like he thinks people deserve a medal for > > suffering her abuse, not compassion. He thinks " tolerating and > putting up with " > > abuse is the same as dealing with abuse. Its not. People deal with > it by > > getting out or putting a stop to it, not by letting it happen over > and over and > > expecting others to do the same. He wants me to think and feel the > same as > > him. it aint gonna happen. > > > > nan > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 9, 2007 Report Share Posted June 9, 2007 I had harboured dreams that one day I'd be able to explain nada's BPD to my sister and we'd be able to bond and say, " so THAT'S why that happened in our lives " . When I read UBM, I had a heart-rending revelation because the person the book uses to exemplify the " witch " traits is the same one (literally) my sister " volunteer christian counsels " and thinks is wonderful and got a raw deal and the same one my nada feels sorry for...with never a word about the terror of the two little boys. I was horrified when I realized the implications and my dream of shared confidences died in a fiery crash. It took me a while to get back on my feet after that realization. -Leslye wrote: I finally confronted Dad on some issues about nada. Via email. I didnt expect him to agree with me but i was hoping at the very least he'd aknowledge how i feel and even told him so. He sent me this email characteristic of how he handles confrontations. Criticize every single statement i made not one " I agree " . In a nutshell, my opinions mean nothing to him and my feelings are just " theories " how is that for support. I do feel TONS better for having confronted him. But geesh you'd think he could at least fake it and say " i understand you feel this way " I do feel bad for having made him so upset. I do love him and he's all i ever had. But it hurts knowing all I am to him is an ungratefull selfish brat with no feelings just theories. He is old and past his time. I shouldn't dump all this on him. nan --------------------------------- Moody friends. Drama queens. Your life? Nope! - their life, your story. Play Sims Stories at Yahoo! Games. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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