Re: I've got a major case of fleas

May 26, 2007

One time my nada was raging on and on about a hated relative, and

after listening patiently for a half hour, I said " I'm sorry this is

happening to you and you have every right to be angry, but I just

can't listen anymore. If you need someone to talk to, I think you

should see a therapist. " I felt like I was trapped on the receiving

end of her rage.

Her response was to not deal with what I said at all; she turned it

all around on me. What was my problem? What was wrong with me? Why

did I hate her? I tried to steer it back to the topic at hand, and I

really thought I had been so nice to her, and had taken more than I

wanted to take.

So it turned on me for some hour long " what's your problem " inquisition.

This is classic manipulation!

I understand that relationships can be trying, but I just don't think

there is ever a " good reason " to cheat. He wants to blame his

cheating on you. If he felt you were too controlling, he should have

addressed that within your relationship.

But to get caught with your hand in the cookie jar, and turn around

and say " you made me do it! " is just not right.

I hope that helps somehow.

-Deanna

>

> WARNING....THIS IS LONG........

>

> Since I am reasonably new to the group (I guess about 2 weeks or so) I

> felt compelled to rejoin this group as I was in the original group Randi

> started almost 11 yrs ago. I thought I had healed, certainly not 100%,

> but reasonably well. Perhaps a better way of describing my current

> feelings is to say I think I've relapsed. I am engaged to a mostly

> wonderful guy who has put up with a lot of my shix. The one area of

> concern, however, are my control issues. This will be my 3rd marriage

> if it truly ever really goes to that level (wedding, that is).

>

> My fiance is 18 yrs younger than I -- I'm 62 and he's 44 and there are

> as many differences as similarities surrounding our relationship. I'm

> white and he's black. I'm educated, he's not (but he's street wise and

> I'm not!). He's a recognized master drummer who can slip into music

> venues without so much as a rehearsal and pull it off so well that

> people are astounded by his creativity and talents. Naive comes to mind

> when describing me. ANYWAY...I know this is long and perhaps a burden

> to read, if you read it at all, but I'm in a world of hurt right now.

>

> He has never been married, yet complains that past relationships never

> had the expectations I do. The only thing I expect from him is to

> spend more time with me and include me in SOME of his musical gigs.

> Nada, on the other hand, made an absolute ass out of herself when she

> insisted (and got her way...of course even tho she didn't know crap

> about his work!) that she go to every scientific meeting with my

> dad...be it local or requiring extensive travel (Japan comes to mind).

> I don't view going to musical gigs as the same, but he and I have

> clashed on this time and time again when he sez " I don't go to work with

> you... " Additionally, he thinks I need more outside actitivites so I

> wouldn't impose so much on him when he wants to go " hang with his

> 'homies' " as I call it. It got so bad (his being gone CONSTANTLY)

> that I did a nada thing.

>

> When I became suspicious of his chronic " away time " , I broke into his

> private voice mail on his cell last weekend and was mortified to find

> that he has a 5 month old son (we've been together 3 yrs). The gal who

> produced this son calls him every chance she gets and is showing her

> " love " for him, but also exhibits anger that he doesn't answer his calls

> in a timely fashion, much the same way he does with me.

>

> To cut to the chase, I was soooooooo PISSED and felt so betrayed. He

> was at an " away " gig last weekend and for the first time ever, I

> ignored his calls. I also had a lock smith come and change the locks;

> suspend his cell phone service (I was paying for it on my plan of

> extended friends). Of course he came straight to the house to see what

> had " hit " . I accused him of being unfaithful and he denied it until I

> mentioned the baby...then he finally admitted that this dalliance

> occurred at a time when he felt I was exerting outrageous control over

> his life and he, in a moment of weakness, chose to go " elsewhere " . He

> is now eating humble pie and is extremely contrite to the point where he

> has spent the last 3 days with me non-stop to " prove his love for me " .

> He also admits to F'ing up and has no love for her but feels responsible

> for his son. (That's ANOTHER issue, but I have suggested to him to take

> a paternity test, as I have a gut feelings he may NOT be the dad -- does

> this sound like MAURY???).

>

> Two things here...I know I tend to exert control as well as have

> boundary issues. The boundary issue to which I allude is, moments after

> finding this out about his son, I called my kids (ages 34; 32; 24; 22)

> and told them about it. Now, one, in particular, keeps thinking I have

> let him back in and she is very concerned about me, and this. I

> shouldn't have let them know, as now I realize it was an impulsive move

> on my part and feel much like it's a nada thing, just like when nada

> involved me in what she said were my own dad's dalliances. I know I

> will live to regret involving my kids as they will S _ _ _ a brick if

> they know I've allowed him back in. I vacillate between thinking is my

> self worth/self image so bad that I would every consider allowing him

> back e.g. since he betrayed me? To kicking the " bastard " out?

>

> Anyone else " out there " with control issues on their spouses or

> significant others? And how much is how much...OR, am I selling myself

> short THINKING I'm too controlling and following nada's footsteps? I'M

> HELLA CONFUSED; UPSET; AND DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN. ANY suggestions?

>

May 26, 2007

I am so sorry that this happened to you, but I don't think you should blame

yourself. I totally agree with Deanna...you didn't " make " him cheat. Nor

does it sound to me like you were being overly controlling. There is

nothing wrong with wanting to be part of your significant other's life.

Going to a musical gig is NOT the same thing as him going to work with you,

it's being supportive. My brother is a musician, and while his wife does

not want to attend all his shows, he certainly would not dream of not

letting her go to his gigs. His job is to perform to a public audience, and

yours is not.

I used to be in a relationship with someone who cheated on me, and it was

very difficult because I wanted so hard to be able to forgive him. I think

that us KO's are more willing than we should be to take the blame because

that's what we're so used to doing at home. Don't let him put you in the

FOG! I think it's also hard for us KO's to admit that yet another person

who you should have been able trust has let you down, especially because you

chose this person yourself (not like you nada, who was forced upon you).

Plus, we haven't had good examples of when it's reasonable to trust somebody

and when it isn't. Trust is based on honesty and openness in a

relationship, not blind faith. If you are selling yourself short, it's by

second-guessing yourself and needing to find " proof " when your instincts

were already telling you that something was not right in your relationship.

I hope this helps, because I know just how painful such a betrayal can be.

-Becky