Re:Where do you go with nada frustrations?

[Guest guest]

This is a difficult issue. For me, I found that going NC with nada

meant that I would have to basically have LC with my siblings. They just

do not think she has BPD and continue to invalidate my feelings and make

accusations about my decision. Nada has also spread hateful and untrue

gossip about me to anyone within earshot. It is the hardest decision I

have made in my life and there are many times that I feel like an

orphan. However, I realize that I have the power to create the family

that I want and need with supportive friends and positive

relationships. Again a tough one, but this is the only way for/ me/ to

survive and thrive in my life.

[Guest guest]

>

> This is a difficult issue. For me, I found that going NC with nada

> meant that I would have to basically have LC with my siblings. They

just

> do not think she has BPD and continue to invalidate my feelings and

make

> accusations about my decision. Nada has also spread hateful and

untrue

> gossip about me to anyone within earshot. It is the hardest

decision I

> have made in my life and there are many times that I feel like an

> orphan. However, I realize that I have the power to create the

family

> that I want and need with supportive friends and positive

> relationships. Again a tough one, but this is the only way for/

me/ to

> survive and thrive in my life.

I can completely relate to conflict about attending FOO events, when

it means that both people who are big problems for you, and peple

whom you really love, are there.

I think there are liberating things and sad things that go with NC.

I'm newly NC myself, and feeling sad about family members who are

judgeing me harshly for being " cruel " to nada. And I feel sad about

ow uch I can't stand nada anymore, and I just can't be around her.

I think unfortunately there is a grieving process. This is not what

we wanted our family relationships to be. They won't change, but over

time we probably will get more indifferent to their criticism and

antics.

In the mean time, I am somewhat sleepless over an important birthday

party for my father. Nada invited my kids of the party directly. I

have no idea whether I'm invited.

Its so hard to not criticise yourself when going NC. Its not a good

girl thing to do, and it does lead you to feel alone. I suppose we

really need to take care of ourselves. The advice I got was to view

my self criticism and anxieties as the voice of my mother, not of

myself (to help me let it go), and to allow myself all my feelings

for a period of time, do alot of journaling, and experience emotions

i was never able to have before. I thnk ultimately we will find the

people whom we can trust to have our best interest in mind.

Amy

>

[Guest guest]

Both my now exhusbands could never understand how I could keep going

back for more. Although they, themselves were extraordinarily family

oriented, they said they would divest from nada if she were their nada.

I could never do that and even going NC with her was not an option as I

always felt that she probably couldn't help being the mean beeatch that

she was. I'm glad I never acted on that as the day I found out about

her BPD issues, I decided that it was a good call on my part.

My mom had quite a life growing up. I realize that one prevailing issue

with BPD sufferers is abandonment issues. Both parents were Polish

immigrants. Mom was the 6th child and only one born on American soil

and her next sib was my Aunt Nellie who was 14 yrs her senior and knew

no English and was the only other sib who " came over " . Nellie was later

deemed to be " crazy " (BPD, too? One will never know at this point as

she died about 20 yrs ago at age 92...she made it one more year than my

mom who died 4 yrs ago at 91). When mom was 2 her father abandoned her

and her mom and went back to Poland never to be heard from again. All

my life I was under the impression that he had died, and truly one could

say he did in the figurative sense. Then the ULTIMATE abandonment

occurred when mom was 11 1/2 as her mom (who would have been my g'ma)

died of diabetic complications. From that time on she was raised by

Nuns at a Catholic girls school. ly, I think they groomed her to

become a nun, herself, but she was given her " walking papers " at 18

which was literally the start of the GREAT DEPRESSION (1929). She had

already become a skilled typist and went on to work for a series of

Harvard Med Sch doctors and if I heard the story once I heard it for a

lifetime...she seemed fixated by this period of her life and never seem

to progress beyond this time frame. Does anyone out there feel their

BPDer does this?

I know this is long, but having heard all this history (too many times

over the years) I took pity on her and yet there were times I thought,

oh Gawd...aren't there other people out there who have had it much

worse? Yet THEY aren't as broken and warped and mean natured and

controlling and and and.......you fill in the blanks. I could never

justify why it was nada couldn't just let it go and suck it up. Now,

however, I do know, and if it means anything to any of you, it became a

buffer zone for me to know that she really COULDN'T let go. To wax

religious here (I'm not really very [religious] altho I believe in a

higher power, just not the Catholic doctrine any longer) I often quote

what Jesus said as he was being crucified... " Forgive them Father for

they know not what they do " ...well, " Forgive her [now, in retrospect]

for she knew not what she SHOULD or OUGHT to be doing. " Right, wrong or

otherwise, this became a mainstay with me and I was able to use this

philosophy (?) up until the end when she gasped her last breath. I am

no more virtuous than the next guy, but yet I can say, I'm grateful that

I learned of her " condition " before she died, as I think I can say it

lessened the blow and she did not go to her grave with me HATING her,

rather, I mustered up the strength to say, " Mom, rest in peace...and

relish the peace you've never known. " Doubtful she " heard " this but

for those of us who survived her, it was a placation of sorts, I guess.

I APOLOGIZE for the length of this, but hope it helps someone??!!

> >

> > This is a difficult issue. For me, I found that going NC with nada

> > meant that I would have to basically have LC with my siblings. They

> just

> > do not think she has BPD and continue to invalidate my feelings and

> make

> > accusations about my decision. Nada has also spread hateful and

> untrue

> > gossip about me to anyone within earshot. It is the hardest

> decision I

> > have made in my life and there are many times that I feel like an

> > orphan. However, I realize that I have the power to create the

> family

> > that I want and need with supportive friends and positive

> > relationships. Again a tough one, but this is the only way for/

> me/ to

> > survive and thrive in my life.

>

>

> I can completely relate to conflict about attending FOO events, when

> it means that both people who are big problems for you, and peple

> whom you really love, are there.

>

> I think there are liberating things and sad things that go with NC.

> I'm newly NC myself, and feeling sad about family members who are

> judgeing me harshly for being " cruel " to nada. And I feel sad about

> ow uch I can't stand nada anymore, and I just can't be around her.

> I think unfortunately there is a grieving process. This is not what

> we wanted our family relationships to be. They won't change, but over

> time we probably will get more indifferent to their criticism and

> antics.

>

> In the mean time, I am somewhat sleepless over an important birthday

> party for my father. Nada invited my kids of the party directly. I

> have no idea whether I'm invited.

>

> Its so hard to not criticise yourself when going NC. Its not a good

> girl thing to do, and it does lead you to feel alone. I suppose we

> really need to take care of ourselves. The advice I got was to view

> my self criticism and anxieties as the voice of my mother, not of

> myself (to help me let it go), and to allow myself all my feelings

> for a period of time, do alot of journaling, and experience emotions

> i was never able to have before. I thnk ultimately we will find the

> people whom we can trust to have our best interest in mind.

>

> Amy

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Amy

I assume your kids are adults or close to it? I was just curious at

what age I can start letting them make their own decisions about

contact with my nada. That must be hard. I hope everything

surrounding your father's birthday party goes well. Maybe no

invitation is a good thing. The last FOO event, nada invited me but

then when I said no thanks she used that to make it look like I am

having a problem. If you don't get an invite, that leaves the ball

in your nada's court.

I think you are right, that I need to just accept that LC with my

siblings will be a negative fall out from NC. Still worth it but a

bummer. I have much more real talks with my siblings on the phone

now anyway because there is no nada there to interfere so I should

just relish that.

I might try journaling. I did some awhile ago but haven't lately.

We could all probably write a book!

patinage

> >

> > This is a difficult issue. For me, I found that going NC with

nada

> > meant that I would have to basically have LC with my siblings.

They

> just

> > do not think she has BPD and continue to invalidate my feelings

and

> make

> > accusations about my decision. Nada has also spread hateful and

> untrue

> > gossip about me to anyone within earshot. It is the hardest

> decision I

> > have made in my life and there are many times that I feel like an

> > orphan. However, I realize that I have the power to create the

> family

> > that I want and need with supportive friends and positive

> > relationships. Again a tough one, but this is the only way for/

> me/ to

> > survive and thrive in my life.

>

>

> I can completely relate to conflict about attending FOO events,

when

> it means that both people who are big problems for you, and peple

> whom you really love, are there.

>

> I think there are liberating things and sad things that go with NC.

> I'm newly NC myself, and feeling sad about family members who are

> judgeing me harshly for being " cruel " to nada. And I feel sad about

> ow uch I can't stand nada anymore, and I just can't be around her.

> I think unfortunately there is a grieving process. This is not what

> we wanted our family relationships to be. They won't change, but

over

> time we probably will get more indifferent to their criticism and

> antics.

>

> In the mean time, I am somewhat sleepless over an important

birthday

> party for my father. Nada invited my kids of the party directly. I

> have no idea whether I'm invited.

>

> Its so hard to not criticise yourself when going NC. Its not a good

> girl thing to do, and it does lead you to feel alone. I suppose we

> really need to take care of ourselves. The advice I got was to view

> my self criticism and anxieties as the voice of my mother, not of

> myself (to help me let it go), and to allow myself all my feelings

> for a period of time, do alot of journaling, and experience

emotions

> i was never able to have before. I thnk ultimately we will find the

> people whom we can trust to have our best interest in mind.

>

> Amy

> >

>