Re: On Jail and other similar topics

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

Trish you mentioned that admitting our darker thoughts was

theraputic. I feel I need much therapy as I am in the very

beginning stages of my healing. With that being said I have

something to offer to this discussion. While I have never had

thoughts of killing my Nada...I have invisioned her dieing and what

a relief that would bring to me. Like I would somehow be suddenly

and truly free for the first time ever in my life. Will I be sad

when she passes? Yes, but I will be mourning for the Mother I never

had and not the passing of the one who gave birth to me. How sad is

that?!

Oh the guilt I feel when I think and furthermore admit such

things. Where is the therapy in that? That has been THE biggest

stumbling block in dealing/healing from a BP Nada....the incredible

guilt. Any suggestions on how to stop that inner turmoil and put

that voice inside me to rest? How can I move on when for every step

I take forward...guilt takes me two steps back.

Thanks for your insight.

Georgia

>

> Kerry, I think you're right about not playing being the best way.

For

> my part, I know the anger will always be there and that there are

> still things I haven't even had the chance to be angry for yet that

> I'll need to sort out--but that doesn't mean giving into it and

being

> angry all the time.

>

> I've never fantasized about killing my nada, but I was split

good. My

> brother, who was split bad actually used to attack her sometimes

and

> can become violent in reaction to her to this day--he's talked

about

> killing her. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really dispondant about

the

> whole situation, I think, " well, maybe he'll just kill

her. . .then I

> won't have to worry about him snapping and, well, nada will no

longer

> be in action. " I actually think to myself at those times that it

would

> be for the best--of course if that ever happened I would just be

sick.

> It's upsetting to find myself thinking this way about my family,

but

> I think the first step for me has been just accepting that I do

have

> these thoughts and that other people in my situation do too. I

> think that if we spent all of our time indulging these thoughts

that

> we'd probably go over to the " dark side, " but getting them out and

> really looking at them is kind of reassuring because you can see

how

> you wouldn't ever really act on it--I'm pretty sure that you aren't

> really going to scratch out your nada's eyes and pee into any part

of

> her. . .I mean, as sure as anyone can be! lol

>

> I was reading in a book Charlie recommended, " Trauma and Recovery "

> about a group of trauma survivors that had a discussion about their

> revenge fantasies that turned out to be really theraputic and part

of

> the healing process. I believe the author explained that just

getting

> these ideas into the open, knowing you're not alone and realizing

that

> you do not, in fact, need revenge to heal yourself are parts of the

> recovery process. So, it looks like you're on your way. Good for

you.

>

> Trish

>

[Guest guest]

Georgia, I used to also feel really guilty when I thought bad

thoughts about my mother or when I wondered if I'd be relieved when

she died or whatever--these thoughts would send me into guilt, shame

and then almost a panicky feeling of " what is WRONG with me. "

Over time,however, I just came to accept them. These thoughts are

not actions, they are not plans. They don't make me a bad person

and being guilty about them will not make them go away.

I did a lot of mediation with my therapy and part of the meditation

was to sit w/o getting too caught up in any one thought(including,

but not limitted to thoughts about nada's death or revenge or

whatever). If a disturbing thought would pop into my head, I got in

the habit of noting it and not judging it (saying it was awful or

wrong or even good). I guess I felt that I might as well accept

these thoughts because they're already there and by accepting them,

I can save my energy for addressing the issues/situations that

trigger them.

Anyway, I really do remember having the feeling that I was some kind

of freak for having those thoughts. It almost seems weird to me now

to look back on that. I'm not saying they're good or happy

thoughts. I'm just saying they no longer freak me out.

Trish

> >

> > Kerry, I think you're right about not playing being the best

way.

> For

> > my part, I know the anger will always be there and that there are

> > still things I haven't even had the chance to be angry for yet

that

> > I'll need to sort out--but that doesn't mean giving into it and

> being

> > angry all the time.

> >

> > I've never fantasized about killing my nada, but I was split

> good. My

> > brother, who was split bad actually used to attack her sometimes

> and

> > can become violent in reaction to her to this day--he's talked

> about

> > killing her. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really dispondant about

> the

> > whole situation, I think, " well, maybe he'll just kill

> her. . .then I

> > won't have to worry about him snapping and, well, nada will no

> longer

> > be in action. " I actually think to myself at those times that it

> would

> > be for the best--of course if that ever happened I would just be

> sick.

> > It's upsetting to find myself thinking this way about my

family,

> but

> > I think the first step for me has been just accepting that I do

> have

> > these thoughts and that other people in my situation do too. I

> > think that if we spent all of our time indulging these thoughts

> that

> > we'd probably go over to the " dark side, " but getting them out

and

> > really looking at them is kind of reassuring because you can see

> how

> > you wouldn't ever really act on it--I'm pretty sure that you

aren't

> > really going to scratch out your nada's eyes and pee into any

part

> of

> > her. . .I mean, as sure as anyone can be! lol

> >

> > I was reading in a book Charlie recommended, " Trauma and

Recovery "

> > about a group of trauma survivors that had a discussion about

their

> > revenge fantasies that turned out to be really theraputic and

part

> of

> > the healing process. I believe the author explained that just

> getting

> > these ideas into the open, knowing you're not alone and

realizing

> that

> > you do not, in fact, need revenge to heal yourself are parts of

the

> > recovery process. So, it looks like you're on your way. Good

for

> you.

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for this thread. I, too, have often had these thoughts about my nada

and have felt guilty about them. However, I think is right that it

is natural for us to have such thoughts and feelings given the unrelenting

stress and abuse most of us have been subjected to for years.... As

said, we just want the stress and abuse to stop.

In a message dated 5/17/2006 11:24:01 A.M. Central Daylight Time,

sherby2k@... writes:

I've been skipping around in these posts (bad me) and I just

stumbled onto this thread...

KOs, there is nothing shameful in having dark thoughts about your

nada. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Sure our inner minds

are saying, " What kind of a person would wish their own mother

dead? " That's just like saying, " What kind of a person would cut

their own mother out of their life? "

I'll tell you what kind of person. A person who has been pushed to

the very outer extremes of their limits, every single day of their

lives. A person who has seen and personally experienced the worst

kind of human behavior. A person who has been raised with a very

warped and inconsistent and abusive person who does all of these

things under the name of " love " .

We KOs need to understand this about ourselves - we are not bad

people for having these thoughts. We are good people who are very

tired, beaten down, and worn out. We are people who just want to

stop suffering and get on with our lives. Having those " dark "

thoughts is our brain's way of telling us these things, just like

getting migraines at hearing nada's voice is our bodies' way of

telling us these things. It doesn't mean we're going to act on our

thoughts, but we should listen to them, give them a voice, and

understand that they're coming from emotional places that don't know

how else to express the deep frustration, anger and disappointment

we're still identifying within ourselves. To not acknowledge them is

to deny these feelings.

For a long time I couldn't say the word " abuse " because I felt

guilty that I would put such a terrible word on what happened to me.

That would imply that my nada is " abusive " , and how terrible to give

your own mother that label! As the years go by and as I continue to

heal and process, I can use those words freely now, not with any

sense of anger (although I was definitely angry for a long time and

I still have my angry days), but as a fact of my childhood. My nada

is abusive, and I do believe my life will get easier with her

passing. I feel sad that I have come to feel that way, but those are

my feelings and I own them.

Okay, sorry for the rant. To me it's like a double whammy, putting

up with nada nonsense and then being unable to express our feelings

about it. Guilt, begone!

[Guest guest]

BGrace,

Keep up the great work. You're not alone.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- BUtifulGrace wrote:

> This post from Georgia really was a slap in the face for me. As I was

> reading this thread I was thinking " wow, thats horrible. I have never

> got to the point where I thought of actually killing Nada. " and then I

> read this! ouch! I think all the time about how much easier my life

> will be once nada just 'passes'. There is much more in this thread I

> can relate to than I thought. Many times I have just wished she would

> follow through with her stupid suicide threats and quit dragging the

> rest of us down with her. Whew. There with much hesitation I mentioned

> my own darker thoughts. Out into the light they go, and on toward

> healing!

> BUtifulGrace

>

> georgialady_bug wrote:

> Hi All,

>

> Trish you mentioned that admitting our darker thoughts was

> theraputic. I feel I need much therapy as I am in the very

> beginning stages of my healing. With that being said I have

> something to offer to this discussion. While I have never had

> thoughts of killing my Nada...I have invisioned her dieing and what

> a relief that would bring to me. Like I would somehow be suddenly

> and truly free for the first time ever in my life. Will I be sad

> when she passes? Yes, but I will be mourning for the Mother I never

> had and not the passing of the one who gave birth to me. How sad is

> that?!

> Oh the guilt I feel when I think and furthermore admit such

> things. Where is the therapy in that? That has been THE biggest

> stumbling block in dealing/healing from a BP Nada....the incredible

> guilt. Any suggestions on how to stop that inner turmoil and put

> that voice inside me to rest? How can I move on when for every step

> I take forward...guilt takes me two steps back.

>

> Thanks for your insight.

>

> Georgia

>

> >

> > Kerry, I think you're right about not playing being the best way.

> For

> > my part, I know the anger will always be there and that there are

> > still things I haven't even had the chance to be angry for yet that

> > I'll need to sort out--but that doesn't mean giving into it and

> being

> > angry all the time.

> >

> > I've never fantasized about killing my nada, but I was split

> good. My

> > brother, who was split bad actually used to attack her sometimes

> and

> > can become violent in reaction to her to this day--he's talked

> about

> > killing her. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really dispondant about

> the

> > whole situation, I think, " well, maybe he'll just kill

> her. . .then I

> > won't have to worry about him snapping and, well, nada will no

> longer

> > be in action. " I actually think to myself at those times that it

> would

> > be for the best--of course if that ever happened I would just be

> sick.

> > It's upsetting to find myself thinking this way about my family,

> but

> > I think the first step for me has been just accepting that I do

> have

> > these thoughts and that other people in my situation do too. I

> > think that if we spent all of our time indulging these thoughts

> that

> > we'd probably go over to the " dark side, " but getting them out and

> > really looking at them is kind of reassuring because you can see

> how

> > you wouldn't ever really act on it--I'm pretty sure that you aren't

> > really going to scratch out your nada's eyes and pee into any part

> of

> > her. . .I mean, as sure as anyone can be! lol

> >

> > I was reading in a book Charlie recommended, " Trauma and Recovery "

> > about a group of trauma survivors that had a discussion about their

> > revenge fantasies that turned out to be really theraputic and part

> of

> > the healing process. I believe the author explained that just

> getting

> > these ideas into the open, knowing you're not alone and realizing

> that

> > you do not, in fact, need revenge to heal yourself are parts of the

> > recovery process. So, it looks like you're on your way. Good for

> you.

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the

> Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,”

> (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO

> community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author

> SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've been skipping around in these posts (bad me) and I just

stumbled onto this thread...

KOs, there is nothing shameful in having dark thoughts about your

nada. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Sure our inner minds

are saying, " What kind of a person would wish their own mother

dead? " That's just like saying, " What kind of a person would cut

their own mother out of their life? "

I'll tell you what kind of person. A person who has been pushed to

the very outer extremes of their limits, every single day of their

lives. A person who has seen and personally experienced the worst

kind of human behavior. A person who has been raised with a very

warped and inconsistent and abusive person who does all of these

things under the name of " love " .

We KOs need to understand this about ourselves - we are not bad

people for having these thoughts. We are good people who are very

tired, beaten down, and worn out. We are people who just want to

stop suffering and get on with our lives. Having those " dark "

thoughts is our brain's way of telling us these things, just like

getting migraines at hearing nada's voice is our bodies' way of

telling us these things. It doesn't mean we're going to act on our

thoughts, but we should listen to them, give them a voice, and

understand that they're coming from emotional places that don't know

how else to express the deep frustration, anger and disappointment

we're still identifying within ourselves. To not acknowledge them is

to deny these feelings.

For a long time I couldn't say the word " abuse " because I felt

guilty that I would put such a terrible word on what happened to me.

That would imply that my nada is " abusive " , and how terrible to give

your own mother that label! As the years go by and as I continue to

heal and process, I can use those words freely now, not with any

sense of anger (although I was definitely angry for a long time and

I still have my angry days), but as a fact of my childhood. My nada

is abusive, and I do believe my life will get easier with her

passing. I feel sad that I have come to feel that way, but those are

my feelings and I own them.

Okay, sorry for the rant. To me it's like a double whammy, putting

up with nada nonsense and then being unable to express our feelings

about it. Guilt, begone!

>

> georgialady_bug wrote:

> Hi All,

>

> Trish you mentioned that admitting our darker thoughts was

> theraputic. I feel I need much therapy as I am in the very

> beginning stages of my healing. With that being said I have

> something to offer to this discussion. While I have never had

> thoughts of killing my Nada...I have invisioned her dieing and

what

> a relief that would bring to me. Like I would somehow be suddenly

> and truly free for the first time ever in my life. Will I be sad

> when she passes? Yes, but I will be mourning for the Mother I

never

> had and not the passing of the one who gave birth to me. How sad

is

> that?!

> Oh the guilt I feel when I think and furthermore admit such

> things. Where is the therapy in that? That has been THE biggest

> stumbling block in dealing/healing from a BP Nada....the

incredible

> guilt. Any suggestions on how to stop that inner turmoil and put

> that voice inside me to rest? How can I move on when for every

step

> I take forward...guilt takes me two steps back.

>

> Thanks for your insight.

>

> Georgia

>

> >

> > Kerry, I think you're right about not playing being the best

way.

> For

> > my part, I know the anger will always be there and that there are

> > still things I haven't even had the chance to be angry for yet

that

> > I'll need to sort out--but that doesn't mean giving into it and

> being

> > angry all the time.

> >

> > I've never fantasized about killing my nada, but I was split

> good. My

> > brother, who was split bad actually used to attack her sometimes

> and

> > can become violent in reaction to her to this day--he's talked

> about

> > killing her. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really dispondant about

> the

> > whole situation, I think, " well, maybe he'll just kill

> her. . .then I

> > won't have to worry about him snapping and, well, nada will no

> longer

> > be in action. " I actually think to myself at those times that it

> would

> > be for the best--of course if that ever happened I would just be

> sick.

> > It's upsetting to find myself thinking this way about my

family,

> but

> > I think the first step for me has been just accepting that I do

> have

> > these thoughts and that other people in my situation do too. I

> > think that if we spent all of our time indulging these thoughts

> that

> > we'd probably go over to the " dark side, " but getting them out

and

> > really looking at them is kind of reassuring because you can see

> how

> > you wouldn't ever really act on it--I'm pretty sure that you

aren't

> > really going to scratch out your nada's eyes and pee into any

part

> of

> > her. . .I mean, as sure as anyone can be! lol

> >

> > I was reading in a book Charlie recommended, " Trauma and

Recovery "

> > about a group of trauma survivors that had a discussion about

their

> > revenge fantasies that turned out to be really theraputic and

part

> of

> > the healing process. I believe the author explained that just

> getting

> > these ideas into the open, knowing you're not alone and

realizing

> that

> > you do not, in fact, need revenge to heal yourself are parts of

the

> > recovery process. So, it looks like you're on your way. Good

for

> you.

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

AMEN

Re: On Jail and other similar topics

I've been skipping around in these posts (bad me) and I just

stumbled onto this thread...

KOs, there is nothing shameful in having dark thoughts about your

nada. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Sure our inner minds

are saying, " What kind of a person would wish their own mother

dead? " That's just like saying, " What kind of a person would cut

their own mother out of their life? "

I'll tell you what kind of person. A person who has been pushed to

the very outer extremes of their limits, every single day of their

lives. A person who has seen and personally experienced the worst

kind of human behavior. A person who has been raised with a very

warped and inconsistent and abusive person who does all of these

things under the name of " love " .

We KOs need to understand this about ourselves - we are not bad

people for having these thoughts. We are good people who are very

tired, beaten down, and worn out. We are people who just want to

stop suffering and get on with our lives. Having those " dark "

thoughts is our brain's way of telling us these things, just like

getting migraines at hearing nada's voice is our bodies' way of

telling us these things. It doesn't mean we're going to act on our

thoughts, but we should listen to them, give them a voice, and

understand that they're coming from emotional places that don't know

how else to express the deep frustration, anger and disappointment

we're still identifying within ourselves. To not acknowledge them is

to deny these feelings.

For a long time I couldn't say the word " abuse " because I felt

guilty that I would put such a terrible word on what happened to me.

That would imply that my nada is " abusive " , and how terrible to give

your own mother that label! As the years go by and as I continue to

heal and process, I can use those words freely now, not with any

sense of anger (although I was definitely angry for a long time and

I still have my angry days), but as a fact of my childhood. My nada

is abusive, and I do believe my life will get easier with her

passing. I feel sad that I have come to feel that way, but those are

my feelings and I own them.

Okay, sorry for the rant. To me it's like a double whammy, putting

up with nada nonsense and then being unable to express our feelings

about it. Guilt, begone!

>

> georgialady_bug wrote:

> Hi All,

>

> Trish you mentioned that admitting our darker thoughts was

> theraputic. I feel I need much therapy as I am in the very

> beginning stages of my healing. With that being said I have

> something to offer to this discussion. While I have never had

> thoughts of killing my Nada...I have invisioned her dieing and

what

> a relief that would bring to me. Like I would somehow be suddenly

> and truly free for the first time ever in my life. Will I be sad

> when she passes? Yes, but I will be mourning for the Mother I

never

> had and not the passing of the one who gave birth to me. How sad

is

> that?!

> Oh the guilt I feel when I think and furthermore admit such

> things. Where is the therapy in that? That has been THE biggest

> stumbling block in dealing/healing from a BP Nada....the

incredible

> guilt. Any suggestions on how to stop that inner turmoil and put

> that voice inside me to rest? How can I move on when for every

step

> I take forward...guilt takes me two steps back.

>

> Thanks for your insight.

>

> Georgia

>

> >

> > Kerry, I think you're right about not playing being the best

way.

> For

> > my part, I know the anger will always be there and that there are

> > still things I haven't even had the chance to be angry for yet

that

> > I'll need to sort out--but that doesn't mean giving into it and

> being

> > angry all the time.

> >

> > I've never fantasized about killing my nada, but I was split

> good. My

> > brother, who was split bad actually used to attack her sometimes

> and

> > can become violent in reaction to her to this day--he's talked

> about

> > killing her. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really dispondant about

> the

> > whole situation, I think, " well, maybe he'll just kill

> her. . .then I

> > won't have to worry about him snapping and, well, nada will no

> longer

> > be in action. " I actually think to myself at those times that it

> would

> > be for the best--of course if that ever happened I would just be

> sick.

> > It's upsetting to find myself thinking this way about my

family,

> but

> > I think the first step for me has been just accepting that I do

> have

> > these thoughts and that other people in my situation do too. I

> > think that if we spent all of our time indulging these thoughts

> that

> > we'd probably go over to the " dark side, " but getting them out

and

> > really looking at them is kind of reassuring because you can see

> how

> > you wouldn't ever really act on it--I'm pretty sure that you

aren't

> > really going to scratch out your nada's eyes and pee into any

part

> of

> > her. . .I mean, as sure as anyone can be! lol

> >

> > I was reading in a book Charlie recommended, " Trauma and

Recovery "

> > about a group of trauma survivors that had a discussion about

their

> > revenge fantasies that turned out to be really theraputic and

part

> of

> > the healing process. I believe the author explained that just

> getting

> > these ideas into the open, knowing you're not alone and

realizing

> that

> > you do not, in fact, need revenge to heal yourself are parts of

the

> > recovery process. So, it looks like you're on your way. Good

for

> you.

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

To my knowledge I was too busy trying to get her to love me, then to treat me

better and not mess with my head, then to accept me, then to stop messing with

my family, and finally, just to stop. If I wanted her dead it was fleeting or

supressed. I worry nobody in heaven wants her and she will be stuck here

forever. My oldest dd worries about what will happen to my brothers and me when

she is gone, how we will take the loss after all these years. I hate to

disillusion her, but we're in a respectfully waiting mode. My kids will

probably do the same with me.

There is one thing. Everyone on this post has had to claw and scramble to have

a life. We didn't give up and sit under the apple tree with her. We are strong

people who don't know we are strong and maybe we are mentally healthier than we

have any right to expect.

Re: On Jail and other similar topics

I've been skipping around in these posts (bad me) and I just

stumbled onto this thread...

KOs, there is nothing shameful in having dark thoughts about your

nada. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Sure our inner minds

are saying, " What kind of a person would wish their own mother

dead? " That's just like saying, " What kind of a person would cut

their own mother out of their life? "

I'll tell you what kind of person. A person who has been pushed to

the very outer extremes of their limits, every single day of their

lives. A person who has seen and personally experienced the worst

kind of human behavior. A person who has been raised with a very

warped and inconsistent and abusive person who does all of these

things under the name of " love " .

We KOs need to understand this about ourselves - we are not bad

people for having these thoughts. We are good people who are very

tired, beaten down, and worn out. We are people who just want to

stop suffering and get on with our lives. Having those " dark "

thoughts is our brain's way of telling us these things, just like

getting migraines at hearing nada's voice is our bodies' way of

telling us these things. It doesn't mean we're going to act on our

thoughts, but we should listen to them, give them a voice, and

understand that they're coming from emotional places that don't know

how else to express the deep frustration, anger and disappointment

we're still identifying within ourselves. To not acknowledge them is

to deny these feelings.

For a long time I couldn't say the word " abuse " because I felt

guilty that I would put such a terrible word on what happened to me.

That would imply that my nada is " abusive " , and how terrible to give

your own mother that label! As the years go by and as I continue to

heal and process, I can use those words freely now, not with any

sense of anger (although I was definitely angry for a long time and

I still have my angry days), but as a fact of my childhood. My nada

is abusive, and I do believe my life will get easier with her

passing. I feel sad that I have come to feel that way, but those are

my feelings and I own them.

Okay, sorry for the rant. To me it's like a double whammy, putting

up with nada nonsense and then being unable to express our feelings

about it. Guilt, begone!

>

> georgialady_bug wrote:

> Hi All,

>

> Trish you mentioned that admitting our darker thoughts was

> theraputic. I feel I need much therapy as I am in the very

> beginning stages of my healing. With that being said I have

> something to offer to this discussion. While I have never had

> thoughts of killing my Nada...I have invisioned her dieing and

what

> a relief that would bring to me. Like I would somehow be suddenly

> and truly free for the first time ever in my life. Will I be sad

> when she passes? Yes, but I will be mourning for the Mother I

never

> had and not the passing of the one who gave birth to me. How sad

is

> that?!

> Oh the guilt I feel when I think and furthermore admit such

> things. Where is the therapy in that? That has been THE biggest

> stumbling block in dealing/healing from a BP Nada....the

incredible

> guilt. Any suggestions on how to stop that inner turmoil and put

> that voice inside me to rest? How can I move on when for every

step

> I take forward...guilt takes me two steps back.

>

> Thanks for your insight.

>

> Georgia

>

> >

> > Kerry, I think you're right about not playing being the best

way.

> For

> > my part, I know the anger will always be there and that there are

> > still things I haven't even had the chance to be angry for yet

that

> > I'll need to sort out--but that doesn't mean giving into it and

> being

> > angry all the time.

> >

> > I've never fantasized about killing my nada, but I was split

> good. My

> > brother, who was split bad actually used to attack her sometimes

> and

> > can become violent in reaction to her to this day--he's talked

> about

> > killing her. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really dispondant about

> the

> > whole situation, I think, " well, maybe he'll just kill

> her. . .then I

> > won't have to worry about him snapping and, well, nada will no

> longer

> > be in action. " I actually think to myself at those times that it

> would

> > be for the best--of course if that ever happened I would just be

> sick.

> > It's upsetting to find myself thinking this way about my

family,

> but

> > I think the first step for me has been just accepting that I do

> have

> > these thoughts and that other people in my situation do too. I

> > think that if we spent all of our time indulging these thoughts

> that

> > we'd probably go over to the " dark side, " but getting them out

and

> > really looking at them is kind of reassuring because you can see

> how

> > you wouldn't ever really act on it--I'm pretty sure that you

aren't

> > really going to scratch out your nada's eyes and pee into any

part

> of

> > her. . .I mean, as sure as anyone can be! lol

> >

> > I was reading in a book Charlie recommended, " Trauma and

Recovery "

> > about a group of trauma survivors that had a discussion about

their

> > revenge fantasies that turned out to be really theraputic and

part

> of

> > the healing process. I believe the author explained that just

> getting

> > these ideas into the open, knowing you're not alone and

realizing

> that

> > you do not, in fact, need revenge to heal yourself are parts of

the

> > recovery process. So, it looks like you're on your way. Good

for

> you.

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

THank you!

BG

Recovering Non-BP wrote:

BGrace,

Keep up the great work. You're not alone.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- BUtifulGrace wrote:

> This post from Georgia really was a slap in the face for me. As I was

> reading this thread I was thinking " wow, thats horrible. I have never

> got to the point where I thought of actually killing Nada. " and then I

> read this! ouch! I think all the time about how much easier my life

> will be once nada just 'passes'. There is much more in this thread I

> can relate to than I thought. Many times I have just wished she would

> follow through with her stupid suicide threats and quit dragging the

> rest of us down with her. Whew. There with much hesitation I mentioned

> my own darker thoughts. Out into the light they go, and on toward

> healing!

> BUtifulGrace

>

> georgialady_bug wrote:

> Hi All,

>

> Trish you mentioned that admitting our darker thoughts was

> theraputic. I feel I need much therapy as I am in the very

> beginning stages of my healing. With that being said I have

> something to offer to this discussion. While I have never had

> thoughts of killing my Nada...I have invisioned her dieing and what

> a relief that would bring to me. Like I would somehow be suddenly

> and truly free for the first time ever in my life. Will I be sad

> when she passes? Yes, but I will be mourning for the Mother I never

> had and not the passing of the one who gave birth to me. How sad is

> that?!

> Oh the guilt I feel when I think and furthermore admit such

> things. Where is the therapy in that? That has been THE biggest

> stumbling block in dealing/healing from a BP Nada....the incredible

> guilt. Any suggestions on how to stop that inner turmoil and put

> that voice inside me to rest? How can I move on when for every step

> I take forward...guilt takes me two steps back.

>

> Thanks for your insight.

>

> Georgia

>

> >

> > Kerry, I think you're right about not playing being the best way.

> For

> > my part, I know the anger will always be there and that there are

> > still things I haven't even had the chance to be angry for yet that

> > I'll need to sort out--but that doesn't mean giving into it and

> being

> > angry all the time.

> >

> > I've never fantasized about killing my nada, but I was split

> good. My

> > brother, who was split bad actually used to attack her sometimes

> and

> > can become violent in reaction to her to this day--he's talked

> about

> > killing her. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really dispondant about

> the

> > whole situation, I think, " well, maybe he'll just kill

> her. . .then I

> > won't have to worry about him snapping and, well, nada will no

> longer

> > be in action. " I actually think to myself at those times that it

> would

> > be for the best--of course if that ever happened I would just be

> sick.

> > It's upsetting to find myself thinking this way about my family,

> but

> > I think the first step for me has been just accepting that I do

> have

> > these thoughts and that other people in my situation do too. I

> > think that if we spent all of our time indulging these thoughts

> that

> > we'd probably go over to the " dark side, " but getting them out and

> > really looking at them is kind of reassuring because you can see

> how

> > you wouldn't ever really act on it--I'm pretty sure that you aren't

> > really going to scratch out your nada's eyes and pee into any part

> of

> > her. . .I mean, as sure as anyone can be! lol

> >

> > I was reading in a book Charlie recommended, " Trauma and Recovery "

> > about a group of trauma survivors that had a discussion about their

> > revenge fantasies that turned out to be really theraputic and part

> of

> > the healing process. I believe the author explained that just

> getting

> > these ideas into the open, knowing you're not alone and realizing

> that

> > you do not, in fact, need revenge to heal yourself are parts of the

> > recovery process. So, it looks like you're on your way. Good for

> you.

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the

> Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,”

> (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO

> community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author

> SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kathleen wrote: My kids will probably do the same

with me.

>>>Are you comparing yourself to nada??? What do you mean by this statement? It

concerned me! I do know that to a certain extent everyone thinks there are

looney things about their mother. HOWEVER, that does not mean a healthy happy

functional relationship can not exist, even if I have seen very few.

IMHO

BUtifulGrace

---------------------------------

Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. PC-to-Phone calls for ridiculously low rates.

[Guest guest]

BUtifulGrace, sorry this is so long.

I said my kids will probably do the same with me because I've lived long enough

to have observed that what goes around comes around. It may take 40 years but

somehow, someway, our choices come home to us. The things I've done to other

people when I was a thoughtless young woman, oh my, I get reminders all the time

and with it an opportunity for repentence and another chance to grow up and

modify my behavior.

The woman in the post of Recovering non bp, right now she is young and in power.

Someday this will happen to her. It will come around. She will remember.

After reading this site on Mother's Day cards, and I didn't send one for years,

I could hardly stand knowing whether my son would give me one this year and what

it would say. When I got it I cried. It said, Mom, you're wonderful. May you

be surrounded by all the joy and beauty life has to offer. And may this very

special day touch your heart with happiness for you deserve that more than

anything, with love ...... He picks them out. One year when my youngest was

being really snobby his Christmas gift to her was a very expensive Harley

son motorcycle shirt, so expensive she would have trouble not wearing it.

The next year he gave her very expensive lace handerchiefs because (he said) she

was always crying on my shoulder for money. However, my daughter's did not send

a card. I look at that as partly I am reaping but also that they need to grow

up, as do I, and nada's passing and time may heal us, but if it doesn't I'm

okay with it. We/they live inside ourselves, rather than live in somebody else

or vice versa, and I respect what they have to do, and I do not want them to

live with, in or for me.

There is an exception to reaping what you sow. I've overheard my grandmother

telling nada that she would pay for the way she was treating us kids. That

turned out wrong because we hung around and took good care of her until now when

she really does need us and we are full up and worn out and are walking away, or

at the least, letting the situation be. Other people who knew our situation

would marvel that children who had good parents did not treat the parents good

while here were her kids, always coming home. We are paying for this choice and

the grandchildren are paying for this choice. The only thing we have is that we

did it and we will finish it out all the while knowing we could have had so much

more of good things and less of bad things. My sister-in-law is a wonderful

woman in helping take care of nada but I know that this isn't how she wants to

spend her life.

In general, you reap what you sow. With your nada it means to look at both

choices--stay or go--and look at what you would reap with each one. This site

is an extremely good one, I think, in that people are giving you input on the

results of their decisions. I wish it had been around when I was younger. It

would have helped me to change my life and that of my children and

grandchildren.

Re: Re: On Jail and other similar topics

Kathleen wrote: My kids will probably do the same

with me.

>>>Are you comparing yourself to nada??? What do you mean by this statement?

It concerned me! I do know that to a certain extent everyone thinks there are

looney things about their mother. HOWEVER, that does not mean a healthy happy

functional relationship can not exist, even if I have seen very few.

IMHO

BUtifulGrace

---------------------------------

Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. PC-to-Phone calls for ridiculously low rates.