Re: I Was A Non-Person

[Guest guest]

Yeah, well we found out years later that I had endometriosis, and that

is why I was in so much pain. At 28, the Dr. cut me open and told my

parents what I had and that I was in stage 3 out of 4 and that " it

must have been really painful " . THEN and only then did she believe

me. (later I saw one of those real-life emergency shows where a 3

year old dialed 911 b/c her mom was unconscious...turned out mom had

passed out from severe pain of endometriosis)

I guess I can understand how this would be a judgement call, but the

stories others have related with broken bones...there is just no

excuse for that. Makes me angry for that little girl! For all the

little girls and boys who aren't being properly loved and respected.

I too had a cyst rupture (which is why I later was cut open), and that

is indeed, very painful!

Here's to " putting it out there " or praying or whatever, that we can

all heal from these things...

-Deanna

>

> >My nada was very concerned about what other people thought, though she

> >did not give a sh*t about what I thought.

>

> same with my nada

>

> >THEN she took me to the doctor, because she was concerned that other

> adults thought she was mean. Not because she cared. Not because she

> >loved me. Not because it hurt her to see me in pain.

>

>

> how awful !! I'm lucky, I wasn't sick or injured often..but my

niece was at

> nadas for the summer, and had horrible crams and nada told her to

quit being

> a baby...finally, after vomiting several times, dad suggested they take

> niece to ER...turns out she had a ruptured ovarian cyst !!

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

Nan, you're not suffering alone! We are all right here beside you.

-Deanna

>

> I was diagnosed with PTSD two weeks ago. Told Dishrag Dad about it and

> why. No response but he sends me other emails going on about my

cousins i

> asked hm not to tell me about. It's frustrating. no matter what or

how i react.

> Dad just brushes it off, with an " ohhhhhhh " (disbelief) or gets

irritatied because

> i cry and whine about how much i am " suffering' you are damn right i am

> suffering. ALONE!

>

> nan

>

[Guest guest]

I don't " do " funerals either. Just me, I think it's absurd to put a dead

body on display and parade a bunch or people past to gawk at them...I went

to my brothers " funeral " but he was cremated, but I was still disgusted

with how others behave at funerals...suddenly this person who was mean is

now an angel and there's a shrine to him in the center of the room...I do

send cards to others....just to let them know I'm thinking of them...I know

how you feel. When I told nada I was molested, the only thing she said was

" don't tell you father, it would upset him " HUH ? what kind of response

is that at hearing your daughter was molested by the neighbor ??

Jackie

Well i dont attend funerals at all never have. No cards, nothing. They amean

nothing more to me than mere aquantances. Dad keeps bringing up small talk

about relatives and cousins in small talk and it irritates me to no end how

he

thinks i should " belong " when i have obviously been counted out. I mean is

it " healthy to believe you belong if they treat you as a sacrificial lamb. I

do

need to pick up a copy of those x-rays and send them as a greeting card one

of these days. If i could only think of a catchy phrase.

I was diagnosed with PTSD two weeks ago. Told Dishrag Dad about it and

why. No response but he sends me other emails going on about my cousins i

asked hm not to tell me about. It's frustrating. no matter what or how i

react.

Dad just brushes it off, with an " ohhhhhhh " (disbelief) or gets irritatied

because

i cry and whine about how much i am " suffering' you are damn right i am

suffering. ALONE!

nan

[Guest guest]

you know wahts saddest off all. when we grow up and we get into ilness,

accidents we almost never seek imediate medical attention. It takes someone

talking me into it or something mandatory. I found out about my old fractures

because i twisted my ankle at work and they made me go get X-rays.

Otherwise i never would have gone.

nan

> >

> > >My nada was very concerned about what other people thought, though

she

> > >did not give a sh*t about what I thought.

> >

> > same with my nada

> >

> > >THEN she took me to the doctor, because she was concerned that other

> > adults thought she was mean. Not because she cared. Not because she

> > >loved me. Not because it hurt her to see me in pain.

> >

> >

> > how awful !! I'm lucky, I wasn't sick or injured often..but my

> niece was at

> > nadas for the summer, and had horrible crams and nada told her to

> quit being

> > a baby...finally, after vomiting several times, dad suggested they take

> > niece to ER...turns out she had a ruptured ovarian cyst !!

> >

> > Jackie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks that makes me feel better knowing others know exactly how i feel. I am a

whole valid person here.

nan

>

> Nan, you're not suffering alone! We are all right here beside you.

>

> -Deanna

>

> >

[Guest guest]

yes it is absurd. esp when its considered mandatory even for abusive family

members who are going to rot in hell anyways. Like i want to be reminded of

them. I was being molested once, well i was over 18 but still very young - told

nada about it and she denied/minimized it " Oh Uncle Ross is just overly

friendly with people thats all! " .. oh yeah and she accuses me and my father of

having an incestous relationship. How twisted is ?. To not hear and see reality

but to beleive what is not really there. Alice in wonderland.

nan

>

> I don't " do " funerals either. Just me, I think it's absurd to put a dead

> body on display and parade a bunch or people past to gawk at them...I went

> to my brothers " funeral " but he was cremated, but I was still disgusted

> with how others behave at funerals...suddenly this person who was mean is

> now an angel and there's a shrine to him in the center of the room...I do

> send cards to others....just to let them know I'm thinking of them...I know

> how you feel. When I told nada I was molested, the only thing she said was

> " don't tell you father, it would upset him " HUH ? what kind of response

> is that at hearing your daughter was molested by the neighbor ??

>

> Jackie

>

>

> Well i dont attend funerals at all never have. No cards, nothing. They amean

> nothing more to me than mere aquantances. Dad keeps bringing up small talk

> about relatives and cousins in small talk and it irritates me to no end how

> he

> thinks i should " belong " when i have obviously been counted out. I mean is

> it " healthy to believe you belong if they treat you as a sacrificial lamb. I

> do

> need to pick up a copy of those x-rays and send them as a greeting card

one

> of these days. If i could only think of a catchy phrase.

>

>

> I was diagnosed with PTSD two weeks ago. Told Dishrag Dad about it and

> why. No response but he sends me other emails going on about my cousins

i

> asked hm not to tell me about. It's frustrating. no matter what or how i

> react.

> Dad just brushes it off, with an " ohhhhhhh " (disbelief) or gets irritatied

> because

> i cry and whine about how much i am " suffering' you are damn right i am

> suffering. ALONE!

>

> nan

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Nan, this is really lousy. I really get the same sesne from my

father. He is very into his own family (who are, surprisingly,

sane), but can never pay attention/relate to anything I tell him.

No matter what problem I am going through, he will spend half our

conversation telling me " oh, did you hear about your cousin X!

or " aunt Y said to say hello " . What planet is this? I have not

seen these people in years because my nada cannot handle me being in

the same room as me without raging, and we have to pretend to care

about how they're doing? They're nice people, sure, but not ones I

have a relationship with...and yet he wants to talk about them so we

don't confront the fact that my father and I have no real

relationship to speak of, thanks to his codependency with nada...

Sara

> > > > >

> > > > > Since my therapist suggested BPD, and since I went NC with

nada,

> > > > I've

> > > > > had some memories crop up. I know this is not the best

group to

> > > > ask:

> > > > > is this normal? But I have remembered a few things from

when I

> > > > was 5

> > > > > that I thought were crappy at the time, but I couldn't

really

> > > > figure

> > > > > out if I had the " right " to say " hey, that was wrong. "

> > > > >

> > > > > I made an outline of the upsetting things in my childhood

and

> > > > > adulthood, in an attempt to get them out of my head

because since

> > > > > going NC, I'm having trouble sleeping and my mind is

racing. I

> > > > tried

> > > > > to lump stuff into categories, and one was just feeling

like a non

> > > > person.

> > > > >

> > > > > Here are 3 incidents from being 5 that really bugged me.

> > > > >

> > > > > 1) When we moved 30 minutes away, I was told that the

child's

> > > > easel I

> > > > > had gotten 6 months earlier from an aunt " would not fit "

in the

> > > > moving

> > > > > truck (or the new house?) and that they had to throw it

out. I

> > > > > protested, as I loved it! She threw it away and when we

moved.

> > > > The

> > > > > house we moved into was twice the size. I think she

thought my set

> > > > > was too messy or...who knows? I thought this was really

unfair.

> > > > >

> > > > > 2) They took me on a plane ride in a tiny plane that my

dad flew,

> > > > > although he was not a pilot by trade. Like a good girl, I

threw

> > > > up in

> > > > > the bag they gave me. I think I threw up twice. After

landing, I

> > > > > asked if I could have a soda out of the fridge that was in

the

> > > > hanger,

> > > > > and they said no, those don't belong to us. I had to

endure a 40

> > > > > minute drive home after probably 30 minutes on the plane

after

> > > > > vomiting, and they were too cheap/didn't care to get me a

drink of

> > > > > water or something to wash out the vile taste.

> > > > >

> > > > > 3) We were visiting on vacation at a relative's ranch, and

I told

> > > > my

> > > > > nada I had to use the bathroom. She told me to wait. I

told her

> > > > > again that I REALLY had to go. She said in a minute. We

were just

> > > > > standing there talking to the relative. Then I crapped my

pants,

> > > > so I

> > > > > told her I crapped my pants, which was so humiliating, as

I was 5

> > > > and

> > > > > a half years old. She told me AGAIN to wait a minute, and

I had to

> > > > > walk around with crap in my pants until she decided to

take me. I

> > > > was

> > > > > wearing bloomers, and I remember the feel of this in my

shorts.

> > > > (and a

> > > > > part of me says, well at least she didn't shame you for

that) But

> > > > > there was no " I'm sorry honey " or nothin.

> > > > >

> > > > > Are these normal stories? Do normal kids have these types

of

> > > > > experiences? Do these things sound upsetting to you guys?

> > > > >

> > > > > -Deanna

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Don't get soaked. Take a quick peak at the forecast

> > > with theYahoo! Search weather shortcut.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

When my ovarian cyst exploded, I was in so much pain I couldn't walk

upright. But I toyed with going to ER for over an hour.

-Deanna

>

> you know wahts saddest off all. when we grow up and we get into ilness,

> accidents we almost never seek imediate medical attention. It takes

someone

> talking me into it or something mandatory. I found out about my old

fractures

> because i twisted my ankle at work and they made me go get X-rays.

> Otherwise i never would have gone.

>

> nan

[Guest guest]

ha i couldnt even be alowed to prove the truth if i tried she would accuse me

of " pulling thing out of the air " if she decided i was telling a lie i was

telling a lie.

Because " I wast born yesterday " she said over and over - theres just no

winning.

nan

>

> my nada never believed me...no matter what, I always had to prove I was

> telling the truth

>

> Jackie

>

> My nada was the same way. She would never believe me when I told

> the truth, but if I made up a lie, she would believe that! This was

> VERY confusing to me!

>

> Sylvia

>

[Guest guest]

same here..I never lied, but she always accused me of lying and I always had

to prove I wasn't...Lord help me if I ever did lie and she found out !!!

Jackie

I NEVER lied cuz the " gestapo " (aka nada) would have found out and then

all hell would have broken loose. I decided that I would just bide my

time until I could move out and be PERFECT, but as we all know, PERFECT

wasn't GOOD ENOUGH. Oh, I moved out when I was 23, and moved from

Denver to Kentucky...it wasn't FAR enough!

[Guest guest]

About a year after graduation i was in college and my foo moved overseas to

the other side of the hemisphere. It still wasnt far enough. I remember saying

goodbye that day leaving them at the airport missing Dad and even basket

case brother but not one inkling of nada. Its like she was some smudge on a

photograph and you were trying to make out who the other people were.

She flew in and visited for college grad. I told her no to but she did anyways.

go off the plane and wrapped her arms and claws around me. ewww i just

wanted to be anywhere but there. She stayed a week, rifling through this and

that and commenting on this and that. and when i didnt want to go no where or

do anything with her (ha like she did me in elemetary school day) she got

po'ed and said " I didnt come 5000 miles for this! "

no not even the ohter hemisphere is far enough.

nan

> >

> > my nada never believed me...no matter what, I always had to prove I

> was

> > telling the truth

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> > My nada was the same way. She would never believe me when I told

> > the truth, but if I made up a lie, she would believe that! This was

> > VERY confusing to me!

> >

> > Sylvia

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This was huge for me. She would stare at me and accuse me of lying

all the time. It seemed she was terrified of having one put over on

her. So when I had actually gotten a " life " and was involved in a lot

of extracurriculars, she grabbed me one day when I got home from

school, put me in front of the mirror and asked my why my pupils were

dilated. I did not even know what that meant, or what it meant if

they were. I was 13/14 and had never done any drugs.

MEANWHILE, my older brother tried every drug there was in high school,

even got brought home by the cops for being drunk at 15. But he was

her wonderful son! The spotlight was always on me, and what BAD THING

was I up to???

I tried so hard to be good.

-Deanna

>

> same here..I never lied, but she always accused me of lying and I

always had

> to prove I wasn't...Lord help me if I ever did lie and she found out !!!

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Nan, that was exactly my experience! She wanted nothing to do with

me when I was a kid. She was home with me every summer as a teacher,

and wouldn't talk to me, play with me. Once she took me to the movies

because she wanted to see The Color Purple and didn't want to see it

alone.

Then as an adult, she wanted to cling to me and get inside my brain

and call me all the time and be my best friend and it's like....DUDE,

I DON'T LIKE YOU! YOU WERE MEAN TO ME! (and still are, with the

judging, minimizing, controlling, FOGging, telling me I'm wrong, etc.)

-Deanna

>

> About a year after graduation i was in college and my foo moved

overseas to

> the other side of the hemisphere. It still wasnt far enough. I

remember saying

> goodbye that day leaving them at the airport missing Dad and even

basket

> case brother but not one inkling of nada. Its like she was some

smudge on a

> photograph and you were trying to make out who the other people were.

>

> She flew in and visited for college grad. I told her no to but she

did anyways.

> go off the plane and wrapped her arms and claws around me. ewww i just

> wanted to be anywhere but there. She stayed a week, rifling through

this and

> that and commenting on this and that. and when i didnt want to go

no where or

> do anything with her (ha like she did me in elemetary school day)

she got

> po'ed and said " I didnt come 5000 miles for this! "

>

> no not even the ohter hemisphere is far enough.

>

> nan

>

[Guest guest]

When my gallbladder 'died' (the doctor explained it to me as I had so many

gallstones, the organ just gave up) I refused to go to the ER too. I couldn't

walk upright either. I had to have a rolled up washcloth in my mouth to bite on

'cause I kept hurting my tongue and lips. Even so, I tried to not go. My

roommate's boyfriend (an ex-marine, so he was strong enough lol!) carried me to

the car. Not just because I couldn't walk, but because I kept insisting I didn't

need to and the pain would pass. It did pass, but after an IV of morphine!! My

gf was so worried! I just didn't want to upset her. I apoligized the whole way

to the ER for ruining her night. She still teases me about it, but adds a stern

" don't ever do that again " !!!

I'm learning, slowly but surely! Besides that, I've almost died of the flu

because I let it go untreated for so long, same with mono and pneumonia. The

mono almost caused my spleen to rupture. I think that's enough trial and error

for me to figure out I need to go to the doctor. Maybe. I still haven't been ill

and gone in a timely manner lol.

Jae

vegdeanna wrote:

When my ovarian cyst exploded, I was in so much pain I couldn't walk

upright. But I toyed with going to ER for over an hour.

-Deanna

>

> you know wahts saddest off all. when we grow up and we get into ilness,

> accidents we almost never seek imediate medical attention. It takes

someone

> talking me into it or something mandatory. I found out about my old

fractures

> because i twisted my ankle at work and they made me go get X-rays.

> Otherwise i never would have gone.

>

> nan

---------------------------------

Fussy? Opinionated? Impossible to please? Perfect. Join Yahoo!'s user panel and

lay it on us.

[Guest guest]

same here, but my proof would be written proof, like in a book or

something...or a teacher or some other figure of authority backing me...she

would accept that, grudgingly..but of course NEVER apologize for thinking

the worst of me

Jackie

ha i couldnt even be alowed to prove the truth if i tried she would accuse

me

of " pulling thing out of the air " if she decided i was telling a lie i was

telling a lie.

Because " I wast born yesterday " she said over and over - theres just no

winning.

nan

[Guest guest]

I think the accusations of our lying is projection on their parts.

They are so messed up, but they do know at times that they are out

and out lying and think everyone else does the same thing.

Sylvia

>

> same here..I never lied, but she always accused me of lying and I

always had

> to prove I wasn't...Lord help me if I ever did lie and she found

out !!!

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> I NEVER lied cuz the " gestapo " (aka nada) would have found out and

then

> all hell would have broken loose. I decided that I would just

bide my

> time until I could move out and be PERFECT, but as we all know,

PERFECT

> wasn't GOOD ENOUGH. Oh, I moved out when I was 23, and moved from

> Denver to Kentucky...it wasn't FAR enough!

>

[Guest guest]

I think you're right, Sylvia. Total projection!

My mother told me our dog was dead when she got home and she somehow

managed to singlehandedly get rid of his 70 pound body. I knew she

took him to the pound, but she lied. I'm wondering now if her " story "

about my cat was the same. I never saw his body, but she supposedly

found him in the street and threw him in the trash.

-Deanna

>

> I think the accusations of our lying is projection on their parts.

> They are so messed up, but they do know at times that they are out

> and out lying and think everyone else does the same thing.

>

> Sylvia

>

[Guest guest]

> Because " I wasnt born yesterday " she said over and over - theres

just no

> winning.

My nada LOVES to say this!

Sara

[Guest guest]

i know what you mean. and i you do just small talk with them or talk to them

only out of boredom they take it sooo serously and think you want to be best

friends with them. I would tell you not to call me a work we arent alowed

personal phone calls while worknig onthe line (factory) what does she do call

and talk to me about finding some book or some stupid little gossip about

neighbors - it can wait. geesh. and to think she had me on phone lockdown as

a teenager, screening all calls and recording them!

nan

> >

> > About a year after graduation i was in college and my foo moved

> overseas to

> > the other side of the hemisphere. It still wasnt far enough. I

> remember saying

> > goodbye that day leaving them at the airport missing Dad and even

> basket

> > case brother but not one inkling of nada. Its like she was some

> smudge on a

> > photograph and you were trying to make out who the other people were.

> >

> > She flew in and visited for college grad. I told her no to but she

> did anyways.

> > go off the plane and wrapped her arms and claws around me. ewww i just

> > wanted to be anywhere but there. She stayed a week, rifling through

> this and

> > that and commenting on this and that. and when i didnt want to go

> no where or

> > do anything with her (ha like she did me in elemetary school day)

> she got

> > po'ed and said " I didnt come 5000 miles for this! "

> >

> > no not even the ohter hemisphere is far enough.

> >

> > nan

> >

>

[Guest guest]

oh that is terrible. how much illnes and pain before someone else gets you to

the doctor. and i also almost found out the hard way that if you dont tend to a

minor bronchitus or ohter repiritory infection it could settle and cause a

serious bacterial infection leaving scars and permanent damage. I have

developed COPD even though i dont smoke becasue i let a bronchitus

infection sit so long and an old cough would not go away for over a year.

oh by the way there is no such thing as an ex-marine.

Once a marine, allways a marine.

semper fi,

nan

>

> When my gallbladder 'died' (the doctor explained it to me as I had so many

gallstones, the organ just gave up) I refused to go to the ER too. I couldn't

walk upright either. I had to have a rolled up washcloth in my mouth to bite

on 'cause I kept hurting my tongue and lips. Even so, I tried to not go. My

roommate's boyfriend (an ex-marine, so he was strong enough lol!) carried

me to the car. Not just because I couldn't walk, but because I kept insisting I

didn't need to and the pain would pass. It did pass, but after an IV of

morphine!! My gf was so worried! I just didn't want to upset her. I apoligized

the whole way to the ER for ruining her night. She still teases me about it, but

adds a stern " don't ever do that again " !!!

>

> I'm learning, slowly but surely! Besides that, I've almost died of the flu

because I let it go untreated for so long, same with mono and pneumonia. The

mono almost caused my spleen to rupture. I think that's enough trial and error

for me to figure out I need to go to the doctor. Maybe. I still haven't been ill

and gone in a timely manner lol.

>

> Jae

>

[Guest guest]

yeah mine too. But sometimes shed still argue with authority as well. And if

there

was no way possible fo her to " Prove " us wrong, shed just change the subject

and bitch about something else.

nan

>

> same here, but my proof would be written proof, like in a book or

> something...or a teacher or some other figure of authority backing me...she

> would accept that, grudgingly..but of course NEVER apologize for thinking

> the worst of me

>

> Jackie

>

>

> ha i couldnt even be alowed to prove the truth if i tried she would accuse

> me

> of " pulling thing out of the air " if she decided i was telling a lie i was

> telling a lie.

> Because " I wast born yesterday " she said over and over - theres just no

> winning.

>

> nan

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, Nan...and on " it " goes...doesn't it? Mine would wrap herself around

me, too...and dunno why I submitted to her wanting me, even at late

teenage years, to climb into bed with her to " snuggle " ...ewwwwww. I

won't say it was anything inappropriate as far as anything else, but it

did make me feel uncomfortable, to say the least.

You just triggered something...when I was a freshman (college) in

1963-64, the BEATLES made their first appearance. I, like the whole

world, was in awe of them and thought was the cutest of the bunch.

I clipped out pix of them and pasted then all over my dorm room. SHE

(ahem....NADA) came up to my room (there should be a ruling stating that

parents are off limits!!) and ripped all the pix of and his other

BEATLES off my walls. She almost penetrated my roommate's space when I

screamed... " Those are Carol's, you CAN'T do that!! " (Nada " respected "

Carol's things, but not mine....duh???)

> > >

> > > my nada never believed me...no matter what, I always had to prove

I

> > was

> > > telling the truth

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> > > My nada was the same way. She would never believe me when I told

> > > the truth, but if I made up a lie, she would believe that! This

was

> > > VERY confusing to me!

> > >

> > > Sylvia

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, my. Yes, those sound pretty messed up to me. Whether your mother

made a conscious decision to dehumanize you, or just did it

" accidentally " , really doesn't matter. You got dehumanized, by the

very person who should have been building you up as a human.

> 1) When we moved 30 minutes away, I was told that the child's easel I

> had gotten 6 months earlier from an aunt " would not fit " in the moving

> truck (or the new house?) and that they had to throw it out. I

> protested, as I loved it! She threw it away and when we moved. The

> house we moved into was twice the size. I think she thought my set

> was too messy or...who knows? I thought this was really unfair.

My mom did the exact same thing to me, at the exact same age. She was

" packing " my room up, which consisted mainly of throwing things into

big black garbage bags. I remember standing there arguing desperately

with her, pleading to keep this or that thing she was throwing away.

And no, I did not have so much stuff that trashing it was necessary at

all. Anyways, don't do it right in front of the kid!

So she began to throw away some dumb little paintings I'd made, and I

took them out of the trash and argued. She got so mad that she began

to yell and holler, and I backed away from her. She turned, picked up

a child-sized rocking chair, and threw it in my direction. It didn't

hit me, but the seat cracked down the middle. I think even as I child

I realized that was f--ked up, but I was too terrified to really

process it. I learned to fear my mother, and be wary in the world.

To this day, she tells me that she was " stressed out " from trying to

move, especially with me there " pestering " her...and that she " hadn't

realized " she was throwing itin my direction. Like, whoops, mom! Sorry

I got in the way of that

flying chair you had to vent by throwing!

>

> 3) We were visiting on vacation at a relative's ranch, and I told my

> nada I had to use the bathroom. She told me to wait. I told her

> again that I REALLY had to go. She said in a minute. We were just

> standing there talking to the relative. Then I crapped my pants, so I

> told her I crapped my pants, which was so humiliating, as I was 5 and

> a half years old. She told me AGAIN to wait a minute, and I had to

> walk around with crap in my pants until she decided to take me. I was

> wearing bloomers, and I remember the feel of this in my shorts. (and a

> part of me says, well at least she didn't shame you for that) But

> there was no " I'm sorry honey " or nothin.

At fifteen, I got the pleasure of my first feminine infection, due to

a medicine I was taking. When I asked my mom for help on the way home

from school, where do you think she took me? Not the doctor. Not the

drugstore. But a healthfood store where her friends (who knew me)

worked. In a loud voice, in the middle of the store, she announced to

everyone that I had a vaginal yeast infection, and could they

recommend anything?

I was fifteen. I wanted to literally die, right there, of

mortification--especially since there were males in the shop. But when

I tried to tell my mom in a whisper that she just shouldn't have done

that, she became enraged. " I'm only trying to HELP you! Stop trying to

have everything EXACTLY YOUR WAY! " When I fled the store in

embarrassed tears, my mom was in a snooty huff and considered my

" embarrassing her like that " justification enough in not helping me

anymore. I didn't know what to do, so I just rode the infection out

(imagine how much that sucked) and several more, before I got wised up

in college to how to treat them (and got off that medicine!).

Having a nada is worse than having no mom--not only do they fail to

provide you with the help and information that you need to get along

in life, they also make you feel like such shit for asking for help

that you get out of the habit of doing so--suffering so much alone,

needlessly.

Vi

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your reply, Vi. My nada may not be " diagnosed " , but it's

astounding how much my stories fit others' stories. I really

appreciate the validation. And I'm sure your paintings weren't dumb!

It's ironic, as I think one of nada's biggest fears is that I would

hate her some day. Then she spent 36 years working to make it happen.

Now she's like " what happened? "

I'm sorry about your infection experience. That was very unkind of her.

-Deanna

>

> Oh, my. Yes, those sound pretty messed up to me. Whether your mother

> made a conscious decision to dehumanize you, or just did it

> " accidentally " , really doesn't matter. You got dehumanized, by the

> very person who should have been building you up as a human.

>

>

> > 1) When we moved 30 minutes away, I was told that the child's easel I

> > had gotten 6 months earlier from an aunt " would not fit " in the moving

> > truck (or the new house?) and that they had to throw it out. I

> > protested, as I loved it! She threw it away and when we moved. The

> > house we moved into was twice the size. I think she thought my set

> > was too messy or...who knows? I thought this was really unfair.

>

> My mom did the exact same thing to me, at the exact same age. She was

> " packing " my room up, which consisted mainly of throwing things into

> big black garbage bags. I remember standing there arguing desperately

> with her, pleading to keep this or that thing she was throwing away.

> And no, I did not have so much stuff that trashing it was necessary at

> all. Anyways, don't do it right in front of the kid!

>

> So she began to throw away some dumb little paintings I'd made, and I

> took them out of the trash and argued. She got so mad that she began

> to yell and holler, and I backed away from her. She turned, picked up

> a child-sized rocking chair, and threw it in my direction. It didn't

> hit me, but the seat cracked down the middle. I think even as I child

> I realized that was f--ked up, but I was too terrified to really

> process it. I learned to fear my mother, and be wary in the world.

>

> To this day, she tells me that she was " stressed out " from trying to

> move, especially with me there " pestering " her...and that she " hadn't

> realized " she was throwing itin my direction. Like, whoops, mom! Sorry

> I got in the way of that

> flying chair you had to vent by throwing!

>

>

> >

> > 3) We were visiting on vacation at a relative's ranch, and I told my

> > nada I had to use the bathroom. She told me to wait. I told her

> > again that I REALLY had to go. She said in a minute. We were just

> > standing there talking to the relative. Then I crapped my pants, so I

> > told her I crapped my pants, which was so humiliating, as I was 5 and

> > a half years old. She told me AGAIN to wait a minute, and I had to

> > walk around with crap in my pants until she decided to take me. I was

> > wearing bloomers, and I remember the feel of this in my shorts. (and a

> > part of me says, well at least she didn't shame you for that) But

> > there was no " I'm sorry honey " or nothin.

>

>

> At fifteen, I got the pleasure of my first feminine infection, due to

> a medicine I was taking. When I asked my mom for help on the way home

> from school, where do you think she took me? Not the doctor. Not the

> drugstore. But a healthfood store where her friends (who knew me)

> worked. In a loud voice, in the middle of the store, she announced to

> everyone that I had a vaginal yeast infection, and could they

> recommend anything?

>

> I was fifteen. I wanted to literally die, right there, of

> mortification--especially since there were males in the shop. But when

> I tried to tell my mom in a whisper that she just shouldn't have done

> that, she became enraged. " I'm only trying to HELP you! Stop trying to

> have everything EXACTLY YOUR WAY! " When I fled the store in

> embarrassed tears, my mom was in a snooty huff and considered my

> " embarrassing her like that " justification enough in not helping me

> anymore. I didn't know what to do, so I just rode the infection out

> (imagine how much that sucked) and several more, before I got wised up

> in college to how to treat them (and got off that medicine!).

>

> Having a nada is worse than having no mom--not only do they fail to

> provide you with the help and information that you need to get along

> in life, they also make you feel like such shit for asking for help

> that you get out of the habit of doing so--suffering so much alone,

> needlessly.

>

> Vi

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks again for y'alls replies. It really helps to have people who

have gone through the same thing with friends, for however long they

did it. I know things will get better for me after I graduate next

spring. It is hard to be in school at a non-traditional age, in a way

that most people just don't understand. It's not so much that I'm 28,

as it is that I've spent my entire twenties in and out of six

colleges. I understand completely that the choices I made were my

responsibility, and I tried my best to line up what I wanted to do,

what I needed out of life, whatever situation I was in, and the

ongoing effects of my nada. Everything I touched failed, for the

better part of a decade. Some things I understany why, and don't mind.

Other things, I don't understand why they went the way they did, and

I'm a pretty intelligent person who's given it plenty of thought. The

" friend thing " is sadly on the " inexplicable failure " pile. I'm doing

my best to change that.

I'm not sorry for all the amazing experiences

I've had, but sometimes they're like a weight on my back, like I bit

off more life than I've had time to process yet. It's not about

whether or not I realize that my choices caused the consequences. I

know they did, and that's exactly how I would want to have it. I took

a lot into my own hands that most people just let unfold; some of the

results of that have been amazing, some have been astonishingly

messed-up. I have a different " problem set " than most people do, and I

think it leads to misunderstandings.

Right now and for the past year, I've chosen a wonderful place to

settle for awhile, with a bright future, and I have a lot to be

thankful for. But I am in the " settle down and put down some roots "

part of life, and most of the people I meet are just entering the

" spread your wings and move away " phase. That's the age thing. I need

to find out where are the people that have put down roots in this city

and are *living* here, not just going to school here, and that's not

something I've ever had to find out about a place before. It sounds

humorous--what do people who *aren't* flitting all over the world DO?

Where do they hang out? Hah. I know getting a job and volunteering

will help. It's not that I mind settling down and living a relatively

stable life after the crazy one I've had for a decade, it's what I

long for. I just don't know how. Or rather, I don't know how to do so

in a way that productively integrates all that I've been through.

Because I can't just dismiss them, and I wouldn't want to.

I know it isn't directly about the topic of BPD, but I learned to live

this way from my BP nada, and I'm trying to learn a new way pretty

much by myself--the people I feel would understand about my life,

don't get BPD, and the people that understand about my mother, don't

get my life. The problem's where the two things overlap. That's where

I'm sitting right now.

Vi