Re: Mother's Day - I'm dropping the baby bomb

[Guest guest]

Hi Meg,

First, congratulations on your good news. I hope you can deal with

this issue soon, so that it doesn't detract any more from the joy I

hope you will be feeling about your pregnancy. I admit that I

absolutely LOVED being pregnant. I knew that this was an experience

that was only going to occur once or twice in my lifetime, so I was

determined to enjoy it as much as I could.

Your message struck a cord in me, as I realized how differently I

approached my mother when I announced my pregnancies. Just goes to

show you how much our earlier experiences with a BP parent can color

everything in our lives.

I didn't even expect anything from my mother in the way of support

and nurturing. I didn't even think that this was an experience that

I wanted to share with her. What I did think about was how was I

going to control her grand'parenting'. LOL! I was more worried

about how she would take care of the baby (even when in my presence)

than anything else. I already knew that anything she would say in

regard to parenting advice would be highly suspect. In fact, my

only rule going into parenting - at that time - was don't do

anything she did!

But my nada wasn't the type to but in or offer advice. She was too

busy criticizing me to other people, but she to chicken to criticize

me to my face.

I think the fact that you have been distant for the last two years

is a plus for you. Even if your mother tries to get more involved,

it may be easier for you to slip back into the pattern you have

established over the past two years. And those years have probably

given you a blissful reprieve - something that you won't be too

willing to give up.

When I did announce this news to my nada, I did set a rule - if she

was ever concerned about my parenting, she should let me know and we

would talk about it. Now she never took me up on that, but I am

glad I put it out there.

Let us know how this works out for you,

Sylvia

>

> This is my first baby and I should be overjoyed. I am feeling

really anxious about telling

> my mother because I know that she will want to be intimately

involved in my life again. I

> have successfully separated myself from her emotionally over the

past two years of my

> marriage. She doesn't know much about my life and life is much

better this way. What

> she doesn't know, she can't criticize. I am concerned that she

will just want to mother me

> with baby advice and will totally disagree with every decision I

make (i.e., working, etc.). I

> know I have the power to hang up or tell her to mind her own

business but I am not

> looking forward to the drama nonetheless. The saddest part is

that the anxiety of her

> getting this news makes me wish I wasn't pregnant. I think it is

because my mom thinks

> the only reason to get married is to procreate and so in some sick

way, I feel like she will

> be more excited that I am fulfilling her plan for me than she will

be for me! I am sure that

> I am pregnant because of her prayers. I also know that she will

take it personally that I

> didn't tell her the day I peed on a stick (i am now 3 months

along). I wish I could enjoy

> this milestone with my mom with joy and full support but having a

mom with BP really

> robs the joy out of life's best moments. I am struggling to feel

excited about being

> pregnant and I know deep down it is linked to my mother. I think

I am afraid of the

> unknown with her and having a baby makes me feel vulnerable. Maybe

I am afraid to be

> her or maybe I don't think I can handle having a new baby and my

mother's drama all at

> the same time. I know I need to keep my contact limited but I

think this is going to be the

> hardest part of the separation since she is going to use this as a

way to cling back to me.

> I am feeling strong in my resolve but really sad at the same

time. I want to get beyond

> this so I can feel excited about having a baby. I would love to

hear any thoughts from

> women who have gone through this.

> -Meg

>

[Guest guest]

What I did think about was how was I

going to control her grand'parenting'.

This is going to be a big issue for me as well since my husband never wants my

mom to

babysit the baby. She does wacky things, especially if she thinks that you are

not

parenting the way that she wants (i.e,she will take the kid to a priest, get him

blessed, all

sorts of religious stuff so that this child will convert the parents to her way

of thinking). I

have seen her do it with my nephew. I know that I will have to hurt her

feelings and keep

my distance which I feel will open more wounds between me and my mom - namely

that it

will open up more wounds inside of me. I feel like I am at a good point in my

life and have

more clarity than I ever have before about her sickness. I just want to be

happy that my

husband and I are having our first baby - and all the good stuff that comes

along with it.

There is a part of me that fears I will never be over what my mom has done

inside my head

- I think I am beyond it and now I am pregnant so I question everything all over

again. It

just makes me feel like I am not as far away from the rabbit hole as I would

like to believe.

I am hoping that I am just hormonal right now and all these feelings will pass

soon!

-Meg

> >

> > This is my first baby and I should be overjoyed. I am feeling

> really anxious about telling

> > my mother because I know that she will want to be intimately

> involved in my life again. I

> > have successfully separated myself from her emotionally over the

> past two years of my

> > marriage. She doesn't know much about my life and life is much

> better this way. What

> > she doesn't know, she can't criticize. I am concerned that she

> will just want to mother me

> > with baby advice and will totally disagree with every decision I

> make (i.e., working, etc.). I

> > know I have the power to hang up or tell her to mind her own

> business but I am not

> > looking forward to the drama nonetheless. The saddest part is

> that the anxiety of her

> > getting this news makes me wish I wasn't pregnant. I think it is

> because my mom thinks

> > the only reason to get married is to procreate and so in some sick

> way, I feel like she will

> > be more excited that I am fulfilling her plan for me than she will

> be for me! I am sure that

> > I am pregnant because of her prayers. I also know that she will

> take it personally that I

> > didn't tell her the day I peed on a stick (i am now 3 months

> along). I wish I could enjoy

> > this milestone with my mom with joy and full support but having a

> mom with BP really

> > robs the joy out of life's best moments. I am struggling to feel

> excited about being

> > pregnant and I know deep down it is linked to my mother. I think

> I am afraid of the

> > unknown with her and having a baby makes me feel vulnerable. Maybe

> I am afraid to be

> > her or maybe I don't think I can handle having a new baby and my

> mother's drama all at

> > the same time. I know I need to keep my contact limited but I

> think this is going to be the

> > hardest part of the separation since she is going to use this as a

> way to cling back to me.

> > I am feeling strong in my resolve but really sad at the same

> time. I want to get beyond

> > this so I can feel excited about having a baby. I would love to

> hear any thoughts from

> > women who have gone through this.

> > -Meg

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Meg,

I am new here, and a KO. I have been NC for 13 years, so my mother was not in

my life

when I had my children (I have 3 under 4 years old), but I also have a MIL who

is bipolar,

won't deal with it, and not being treated. I thought I might share a little bit

of my story in

case it might help. We had gone back and forth over the years as her illness

got better or

worse - she will get really bad, then go to a dr. and get meds (only one type

that isn't very

effective), then think she is fine and stop taking it. I am a major target

because I married

her oldest son (she has two), and she has no sisters, no daughters and had a

rocky

relationship with her own mother. When we started trying to conceive, and she

realized it,

she started being nicer (we had been married almost 10 years by then). When I

got

pregnant, I became a princess - lots of gifts etc. Then she and FIL decided to

buy a 2nd

home near us so they could " help " . When I was 30 weeks, she wanted me to

intentionally

induce labor because she was tired of waiting, and was furious when I would not

comply.

Things went downhill from there. She was at our home every day " helping " and

totally out

of control. It took 6 months until I finally snapped - was ready to kick dh out

along with

his parents. He came out of the new dad fog and was mortified that he hadn't

been more

supportive - he still feels bad about it. We set limits, she fought back. I

won't bore you

with all the details, but the only thing that worked was for me to push back

HARD

whenever she overstepped my boundaries. We have worked out a clear set of

rules/

expectations and I have dh's full backing. It is so hard, as now our children

really love

their grandparents, but they are already starting to see her erratic behavior.

" Grandma is

being mean! " " Is Grandma coming back tomorrow? I only want Granddad. " And she

is so

much harder to deal with now that she was able to overstep our boundaries in

such a big

way for a long period of time.

If I had it to do over again, I would do some things differently. I would be

very suspicious

of any change in behavior once she saw the long awaited grandchild on the

horizon. It

didn't last, but I definitely got hoovered. I would set very clear boundaries

with an eye on

what I wanted her role to be in my children's life longterm. I would discuss

all this and

agree on it with dh long before the baby came. I would limit her role to the

minimum

during the time the baby was born, and the first few weeks after. Maybe a

couple of

limited visits. New baby and parents should be the focus during this time -

they need to

bond, not deal with one of the grandmother's issues. I wouldn't care what other

people

thought about it, or what she said about it. I would focus on my little family

and what was

best for us. One thing that did really help somewhat is I called in friends to

provide a

buffer, but she began to attack them and make them uncomfortable. If she did

any of the

things now that she did then, I would escort her to the door. But I was so

stressed and

tired from being a new mom, that I did not stand up for myself and compounded

the

problem. I should have had a detailed game plan before delivery.

As for all the feelings that come up when you are about to be a mom for the

first time, and

have had a bp mother, I went through that too. I think that is one of the

reasons we

waited so long to have children. I have been pleasantly surprised at my basic

mothering

instincts. They are actually pretty good! I did line up a therapist before

delivery so I had

someone who knew my background in case I got post partum depression (I am high

risk

as I have PTSD) and also educated my dh and a few friends so they would know the

signs

and encourage me to get help if I needed it (I didn't, but it helped to know I

had a plan). I

also sought out other women who had children, and whom I admired, so I would

have

someone to call and ask questions if I needed. This was particularly helpful

when I was

nursing. I have also found that I am much more willing to seek help and ask

questions

than a lot of moms. I know that I don't know. I didn't have a role model. So

I don't have

expectations of being a great mom that get dashed with the tantrums, messes and

sleeplessness of motherhood. I have an internet group of other moms with kids

in the

same situation mine are that have been wonderful too. Being able to type a

question at 2

am and have 40 other moms at your fingertips is really reassuring. And having

other

moms at the same stage as you who are honest about their lives is such a great

gift. I

know that my friend who is very very anti spanking once swatted her son on the

tush in

anger (and felt horrible for days). I know that the other mothers have done

stupid things

when sleep deprived. I know that they get angry and frustrated just like I do.

I know that

they have made mistakes just like I have, not because they have a bp mom, but

because

they are human. It has really kept me from doubting myself. Surround yourself

with other

women, other moms, who can be a real support system for you. It really does

make a

difference.

Sorry to write a novel! I guess I am just writing to you what I wish someone

had written to

me when I was pregnant. I'm glad you are thinking about this now. It will

really help. And

congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!! I know at least for me, pregnancy was

such a mix

of emotions - excited, happy, joyful and scared, sad, meloncholy all at the same

time. But

being a mother has turned out to be a wonderful thing for me. Watching my

daughter

have a carefree childhood is wonderful. I'm sure I will make mistakes, and we

are so alike

that the teen years will be interesting. But I wouldn't trade this experience

for anything.

fresabird

>

> This is my first baby and I should be overjoyed. I am feeling really anxious

about telling

> my mother because I know that she will want to be intimately involved in my

life again.

I

[Guest guest]

Hi Meg,

I just wanted to send comforting thoughts your way - I'm almost six

months pregnant with my first and I can appreciate your anxiety! For

a long, long time I put off having children because of my

fears/worries about my nada. I've been " no contact " with her for six

years now and I was (and am still, actually) worried that she would

try to force her way back into my life and destroy all the good

things I've managed to find and create in my life.

No matter what kind of mother you have, becoming pregnant is a

significant shift in your life, and in your perceptions of

what " family " means. For me, that means that it's no longer about my

nada; it's about my child now. And in order for me to take care of

and protect this little one, I have to take care of and protect

myself as well. I'm practicing thinking this way, instead of always

worrying about what nada thinks/feels (because we were raised to

always think of nada's thoughts and feelings, this is hard to

change, but it needs to change). In short, this is YOUR time, you

and your baby's.

Anyway, congratulations! Try to enjoy the big and little moments of

being pregnant as they come - it's certainly an amazing experience,

isn't it?

>

> This is my first baby and I should be overjoyed. I am feeling

really anxious about telling

> my mother because I know that she will want to be intimately

involved in my life again. I

> have successfully separated myself from her emotionally over the

past two years of my

> marriage. She doesn't know much about my life and life is much

better this way. What

> she doesn't know, she can't criticize. I am concerned that she

will just want to mother me

> with baby advice and will totally disagree with every decision I

make (i.e., working, etc.). I

> know I have the power to hang up or tell her to mind her own

business but I am not

> looking forward to the drama nonetheless. The saddest part is

that the anxiety of her

> getting this news makes me wish I wasn't pregnant. I think it is

because my mom thinks

> the only reason to get married is to procreate and so in some sick

way, I feel like she will

> be more excited that I am fulfilling her plan for me than she will

be for me! I am sure that

> I am pregnant because of her prayers. I also know that she will

take it personally that I

> didn't tell her the day I peed on a stick (i am now 3 months

along). I wish I could enjoy

> this milestone with my mom with joy and full support but having a

mom with BP really

> robs the joy out of life's best moments. I am struggling to feel

excited about being

> pregnant and I know deep down it is linked to my mother. I think

I am afraid of the

> unknown with her and having a baby makes me feel vulnerable. Maybe

I am afraid to be

> her or maybe I don't think I can handle having a new baby and my

mother's drama all at

> the same time. I know I need to keep my contact limited but I

think this is going to be the

> hardest part of the separation since she is going to use this as a

way to cling back to me.

> I am feeling strong in my resolve but really sad at the same

time. I want to get beyond

> this so I can feel excited about having a baby. I would love to

hear any thoughts from

> women who have gone through this.

> -Meg

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks - and congrats to you too! I guess we just have to take comfort

in the

fact that we are not destined to become our mothers. I have never been so

resolved to

protect this baby from the childhood that I had. If that means I need to humble

myself

along the way and correct my mistakes, I will. I was hoping that I would be

farther along

in my healing journey when this happened but I guess God knows what he is doing.

It

scares me that I could unconsciously do things to my child that my mother did to

me -

that is what scares me the most. Once I get past the initial stages with my

mom, I hope I

can keep her at bay again. It is the " nada " that lives in my head that scares

me. I just

think the pregnancy is opening up wounds that I didn't want to face - how to

become a

mother myself when I had such an emotional, unstable role model. Thanks for

your

support!

-Meg

> >

> > This is my first baby and I should be overjoyed. I am feeling

> really anxious about telling

> > my mother because I know that she will want to be intimately

> involved in my life again. I

> > have successfully separated myself from her emotionally over the

> past two years of my

> > marriage. She doesn't know much about my life and life is much

> better this way. What

> > she doesn't know, she can't criticize. I am concerned that she

> will just want to mother me

> > with baby advice and will totally disagree with every decision I

> make (i.e., working, etc.). I

> > know I have the power to hang up or tell her to mind her own

> business but I am not

> > looking forward to the drama nonetheless. The saddest part is

> that the anxiety of her

> > getting this news makes me wish I wasn't pregnant. I think it is

> because my mom thinks

> > the only reason to get married is to procreate and so in some sick

> way, I feel like she will

> > be more excited that I am fulfilling her plan for me than she will

> be for me! I am sure that

> > I am pregnant because of her prayers. I also know that she will

> take it personally that I

> > didn't tell her the day I peed on a stick (i am now 3 months

> along). I wish I could enjoy

> > this milestone with my mom with joy and full support but having a

> mom with BP really

> > robs the joy out of life's best moments. I am struggling to feel

> excited about being

> > pregnant and I know deep down it is linked to my mother. I think

> I am afraid of the

> > unknown with her and having a baby makes me feel vulnerable. Maybe

> I am afraid to be

> > her or maybe I don't think I can handle having a new baby and my

> mother's drama all at

> > the same time. I know I need to keep my contact limited but I

> think this is going to be the

> > hardest part of the separation since she is going to use this as a

> way to cling back to me.

> > I am feeling strong in my resolve but really sad at the same

> time. I want to get beyond

> > this so I can feel excited about having a baby. I would love to

> hear any thoughts from

> > women who have gone through this.

> > -Meg

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Meg,

Your post reminded me of two things that people have said to me

along the way. The first one was from my mother-in-law, a wonderful

and kind person who also had a troubled childhood. I told her that I

was so afraid that I wouldn't " do it right " because I never really

experienced being a kid, and I certainly didn't have a stable parent

to rely on. She told me to live backwards - to give this child the

kind of childhood that I should have had, and to find joy in the

fact that I can share that with my own child. She has a terrific

relationship with all five of her kids (four are adults now), so I

have to believe she's on to something!

The second is that there's an important difference between us and

our nadas. It's not that we won't make mistakes, because everyone

makes mistakes. It's that we are willing to admit that we make

mistakes, and then work to be better. That makes all the difference.

Plus, you're already way ahead of the game because you've been

processing your childhood stuff. A lot of people don't do that at

all! Congratulate yourself on being brave enough to be on this path

in the first place.

Glad you posted - it's nice to know someone else is going through

the first-pregnancy thing .

> > >

> > > This is my first baby and I should be overjoyed. I am feeling

> > really anxious about telling

> > > my mother because I know that she will want to be intimately

> > involved in my life again. I

> > > have successfully separated myself from her emotionally over

the

> > past two years of my

> > > marriage. She doesn't know much about my life and life is

much

> > better this way. What

> > > she doesn't know, she can't criticize. I am concerned that

she

> > will just want to mother me

> > > with baby advice and will totally disagree with every decision

I

> > make (i.e., working, etc.). I

> > > know I have the power to hang up or tell her to mind her own

> > business but I am not

> > > looking forward to the drama nonetheless. The saddest part is

> > that the anxiety of her

> > > getting this news makes me wish I wasn't pregnant. I think it

is

> > because my mom thinks

> > > the only reason to get married is to procreate and so in some

sick

> > way, I feel like she will

> > > be more excited that I am fulfilling her plan for me than she

will

> > be for me! I am sure that

> > > I am pregnant because of her prayers. I also know that she

will

> > take it personally that I

> > > didn't tell her the day I peed on a stick (i am now 3 months

> > along). I wish I could enjoy

> > > this milestone with my mom with joy and full support but

having a

> > mom with BP really

> > > robs the joy out of life's best moments. I am struggling to

feel

> > excited about being

> > > pregnant and I know deep down it is linked to my mother. I

think

> > I am afraid of the

> > > unknown with her and having a baby makes me feel vulnerable.

Maybe

> > I am afraid to be

> > > her or maybe I don't think I can handle having a new baby and

my

> > mother's drama all at

> > > the same time. I know I need to keep my contact limited but I

> > think this is going to be the

> > > hardest part of the separation since she is going to use this

as a

> > way to cling back to me.

> > > I am feeling strong in my resolve but really sad at the same

> > time. I want to get beyond

> > > this so I can feel excited about having a baby. I would love

to

> > hear any thoughts from

> > > women who have gone through this.

> > > -Meg

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow! Congratulations Meg!

Take care of yourself and your baby first here.

If it's any comfort, my brother didn't tell my mother he was having a

baby until after the baby was born--both times!! He was that worried

about her criticism, rages, and interference!

I always think that if I'm ever able to have kids I'll do the same, if

I tell her at all. It is scary to think of starting a family when you

know all that bad things your own mother did to you, and you have to

worry she's going to come back and do them all again!

Good luck and congratulations!

[Guest guest]

Hi , fresabird, and All,

Congratulations to all of you ladies who are having a child. Happy

Mother’s Day! Thanks to all of you for sharing your concerns and wisdom.

You’ve given this man more to appreciate and think about, about many

things.

and fresabird, your posts were very powerful and humbling for me.

I’m again in wonder and awe at the power of the child birthing experience

(including pregnancy) and how much it can bond women together. There’s

nothing comparable for us men. I’m happy for you.

, your MIL’s comment to “live backwards” stimulated more

understanding in me that something I’ve had to do and resented for decades

doesn’t have to be a negative. Also, you wrote, “It's not that we won't

make mistakes, because everyone makes mistakes. It's that we are willing

to admit that we make mistakes, and then work to be better. That makes all

the difference.” That says much better and eloquently what I was trying

to say in a post yesterday, about continuing progress in not resenting

people who don’t make that effort -- which is most people.

fresabird, your experience, strength, hope, insights, wisdom and support

are so powerfully expressed. Thank you.

Happy Mother’s Day, ladies.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- sherby2k wrote:

> Hi Meg,

>

> Your post reminded me of two things that people have said to me

> along the way. The first one was from my mother-in-law, a wonderful

> and kind person who also had a troubled childhood. I told her that I

> was so afraid that I wouldn't " do it right " because I never really

> experienced being a kid, and I certainly didn't have a stable parent

> to rely on. She told me to live backwards - to give this child the

> kind of childhood that I should have had, and to find joy in the

> fact that I can share that with my own child. She has a terrific

> relationship with all five of her kids (four are adults now), so I

> have to believe she's on to something!

>

> The second is that there's an important difference between us and

> our nadas. It's not that we won't make mistakes, because everyone

> makes mistakes. It's that we are willing to admit that we make

> mistakes, and then work to be better. That makes all the difference.

>

> Plus, you're already way ahead of the game because you've been

> processing your childhood stuff. A lot of people don't do that at

> all! Congratulate yourself on being brave enough to be on this path

> in the first place.

>

> Glad you posted - it's nice to know someone else is going through

> the first-pregnancy thing .

>

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > This is my first baby and I should be overjoyed. I am feeling

> > > really anxious about telling

> > > > my mother because I know that she will want to be intimately

> > > involved in my life again. I

> > > > have successfully separated myself from her emotionally over

> the

> > > past two years of my

> > > > marriage. She doesn't know much about my life and life is

> much

> > > better this way. What

> > > > she doesn't know, she can't criticize. I am concerned that

> she

> > > will just want to mother me

> > > > with baby advice and will totally disagree with every decision

> I

> > > make (i.e., working, etc.). I

> > > > know I have the power to hang up or tell her to mind her own

> > > business but I am not

> > > > looking forward to the drama nonetheless. The saddest part is

> > > that the anxiety of her

> > > > getting this news makes me wish I wasn't pregnant. I think it

> is

> > > because my mom thinks

> > > > the only reason to get married is to procreate and so in some

> sick

> > > way, I feel like she will

> > > > be more excited that I am fulfilling her plan for me than she

> will

> > > be for me! I am sure that

> > > > I am pregnant because of her prayers. I also know that she

> will

> > > take it personally that I

> > > > didn't tell her the day I peed on a stick (i am now 3 months

> > > along). I wish I could enjoy

> > > > this milestone with my mom with joy and full support but

> having a

> > > mom with BP really

> > > > robs the joy out of life's best moments. I am struggling to

> feel

> > > excited about being

> > > > pregnant and I know deep down it is linked to my mother. I

> think

> > > I am afraid of the

> > > > unknown with her and having a baby makes me feel vulnerable.

> Maybe

> > > I am afraid to be

> > > > her or maybe I don't think I can handle having a new baby and

> my

> > > mother's drama all at

> > > > the same time. I know I need to keep my contact limited but I

> > > think this is going to be the

> > > > hardest part of the separation since she is going to use this

> as a

> > > way to cling back to me.

> > > > I am feeling strong in my resolve but really sad at the same

> > > time. I want to get beyond

> > > > this so I can feel excited about having a baby. I would love

> to

> > > hear any thoughts from

> > > > women who have gone through this.

> > > > -Meg

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

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[Guest guest]

I have been reading through the last couple of days of posts and was happy to

see that

there are men here too. Thank you so much for your comments! It really is nice

to hear

" Happy Mothers Day " from someone who understands how loaded the holiday is for

me. It

reminds me that it is my day to celebrate my children, not just mourn the mother

I never

had. I also have wondered what my brother has felt, growing up with my mother.

He is

not read to deal with it - not sure if he ever will be. It will be interesting

to hear things

from the male perspective, as bp mothers have such a huge affect on all their

children.

's post put into words something I have thought about a lot. " living

life

backwards " is a great way to put it. I want my kids to have the childhood I

didn't, but I

also want to make sure I don't end up living my life through them. So I am

trying to

balance sharing all the things in life that I love, with trying to help them

find their own

talents. They are young enough now that they are enthusiastic about anything.

So we are

having a lot of fun. It's bittersweet sometimes when I remember things from

when I was

their age. But being a mom, and breaking the cycle of abuse is also something I

am most

proud of. Knowing I wanted to be a mom one day was one of the big reasons I

went NC.

As for the bond women have through motherhood - I have been pleasantly surprised

at it.

I don't think I realized how much the women in my life - friends, church,

neighbors - were

willing to help me until I had my children. It helped me see some of the

wonderful things

about being a woman that I never saw as a child. I remember thinking that I was

going to

grow up to be a man (about age 3 or 4) and having someone correct me. I was

crushed

because in my world, the men got to do the good stuff - jobs, sports, friends.

The women

were crazy like my mother, or devoted homemakers with a hint of sadness for

" what might

have been " like my grandmother. I didn't want to grow up to be angry and sad.

And later

I would observe how cruel girls/women can sometimes be to eachother, and I

didn't want

any part of that either. It has been nice to realize as an adult that the

examples in my

childhood were so distorted, and that I can be just about anything I want. That

the things

I had associated with " womanhood " were more a part of mental illness than

anything else.

fresabird

> > > > >

> > > > > This is my first baby and I should be overjoyed. I am feeling

> > > > really anxious about telling

> > > > > my mother because I know that she will want to be intimately

> > > > involved in my life again. I

> > > > > have successfully separated myself from her emotionally over

> > the

> > > > past two years of my

> > > > > marriage. She doesn't know much about my life and life is

> > much

> > > > better this way. What

> > > > > she doesn't know, she can't criticize. I am concerned that

> > she

> > > > will just want to mother me

> > > > > with baby advice and will totally disagree with every decision

> > I

> > > > make (i.e., working, etc.). I

> > > > > know I have the power to hang up or tell her to mind her own

> > > > business but I am not

> > > > > looking forward to the drama nonetheless. The saddest part is

> > > > that the anxiety of her

> > > > > getting this news makes me wish I wasn't pregnant. I think it

> > is

> > > > because my mom thinks

> > > > > the only reason to get married is to procreate and so in some

> > sick

> > > > way, I feel like she will

> > > > > be more excited that I am fulfilling her plan for me than she

> > will

> > > > be for me! I am sure that

> > > > > I am pregnant because of her prayers. I also know that she

> > will

> > > > take it personally that I

> > > > > didn't tell her the day I peed on a stick (i am now 3 months

> > > > along). I wish I could enjoy

> > > > > this milestone with my mom with joy and full support but

> > having a

> > > > mom with BP really

> > > > > robs the joy out of life's best moments. I am struggling to

> > feel

> > > > excited about being

> > > > > pregnant and I know deep down it is linked to my mother. I

> > think

> > > > I am afraid of the

> > > > > unknown with her and having a baby makes me feel vulnerable.

> > Maybe

> > > > I am afraid to be

> > > > > her or maybe I don't think I can handle having a new baby and

> > my

> > > > mother's drama all at

> > > > > the same time. I know I need to keep my contact limited but I

> > > > think this is going to be the

> > > > > hardest part of the separation since she is going to use this

> > as a

> > > > way to cling back to me.

> > > > > I am feeling strong in my resolve but really sad at the same

> > > > time. I want to get beyond

> > > > > this so I can feel excited about having a baby. I would love

> > to

> > > > hear any thoughts from

> > > > > women who have gone through this.

> > > > > -Meg

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Meg,

Wowwww, I truly feel for you in this situation. I went NC with my nada around

the holidays last year, mainly because of her behavior as it affected my kids

(we have two kids). Although for years I tolerated a lot of bad behavior towards

me that I probably should not have, when it came down to her behavior affecting

my children, I absolutely had to draw that line.

Anyway, I want to share with you that I had the same feelings during all three

of my pregnancies (I had a miscarriage between kids 1 and 2). I absolutely

dreaded telling nada. I knew, like in ALL THINGS, she would turn my pregnancy to

be all about her, all about her wishes, all about control/manipulation, all

about her attempting to make my choices for me, all about her need to be the

valued " mother " (without, God forbid, actually helping me out!!! That would

require some care and effort.)

It sounded from your email as if you have rare contact? Once she hears the news,

I predict, yes, as you said, she will want to be more involved, take over, etc

etc. She'll probably do the usual nada things, which meet no one's needs but her

own, usually at the expense of you, your partner, and your baby.

Not to tell you what to do, but I want to share with you that in retrospect I

regret not going NC the minute I found out I was pregnant with my oldest.

Nothing--literally not one good thing--came out of me telling her about my

pregnancies and continuing to have her involved in my life, even just a little

bit.

She made my pregnancies miserable to the extent she was able (or perhaps I

should say, to the extent I allowed her to, by continuing to have a relationship

with her). She cast a pall over the whole thing with her complaints, with her

need to be at the center of attention, and her efforts at controlling us all.

And if you fear she will ruin the pregnancy, just wait until you actually have

your precious baby. Then the fun will really begin, if your situation is

anything like mine was.

I don't intend to sound negative, but if I had to do it all over again, I wish

someone had shared their experiences with me during *my* first pregnancy,

because I wish I had had information with which to make different choices.

I think, despite knowing better (if you had asked me on a rational level, I

could have told you this was impossible) that I wished somehow that becoming a

mother would allow us to have a better relationship. For instance, I hoped that

maybe she would finally be helpful and nurturing to me, and our mother-child

roles would finally be " right " instead of being reversed (I was her caretaker

growing up).

That hope was dashed when she came to my home, ostensibly to " help me for a

week " (when she has never been known to help anyone but herself). She came for a

few hours, got her fill of looking at and holding the baby, then claimed she was

deathly ill and had to leave (she lived a few hours away). Then, by the time she

got home and called to tell me she was fine, she had forgotten all about this

illness. That was my " week of help. " I had had a very difficult birth (lost

about a third of my blood, ack, and I looked like the " living dead " ), we had

recently moved to a new bigger place about an hour away from our old home (and

friends), and DH was defending his dissertation that week (had his hands full).

I really could have used the help. I desperately helped she would come through

for me this one time. Instead she dramatically focused the attention on herself

and her imaginary illness, and left me there with no help.

That was the first example, I could go on all day but I won't: The Thanksgiving

where we had to leave before dinner to keep our toddler safe. Her manipulating

him when he was a preschooler and encouraging him to lie and keep secrets from

us. Oh, I've got a million stories, and so have all the parents on here, who

still associate with their nadas. It's a bad, bad business.

Again, I want to emphasize (again, describing just my own experience):

Absolutely ZERO good has come out of having nada in my life once I became a

mother. And plenty--PLENTY--of bad has come out of it. Being NC has been such a

positive in all our lives, and such a blessed relief. It did require, however,

getting to that mental place of realizing that nothing good was ever going to

come of the relationship with nada. That nothing would truly change.

You know your situation best and you can and will make your own best choices,

but I if I can make a recommendation: it can be valuable to imagine thinking

about the future of nada being involved with you and your child(ren), in terms

of a ... cost-benefit analysis. That might sound cold, but it could save you and

your family lots of misery.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it is happy and healthy!

Be well!

Flea

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[Guest guest]

Hi Meg,

I regret that I was unable to respond to this until after Mothers Day, and I

am anxiously waiting to hear hour your 'bomb dropping' went.

freemefrombp wrote:

This is my first baby and I should be overjoyed. I am feeling really

anxious about telling

my mother because I know that she will want to be intimately involved in my life

again. I

have successfully separated myself from her emotionally over the past two years

of my

marriage. She doesn't know much about my life and life is much better this way.

What

she doesn't know, she can't criticize.

>>>This I can completely relate to. It took us three years to have our

daughter, and I had plenty of time to have the anxiety go up. We had

grandparenting problems with Nada before we were even pregnant, and the stories

I could tell you are horrific. I tried to help myself out by heading back to

therapy before our daughter was born. My T helped me prepare greatly by telling

me exactly what you said: she will want to become intimately involved. To add

more to that, he warned me that she would want to be the parent and that she

would see my relationship with my daughter as a challenge to hers. One fault I

constantly stumble with is telling her too much. You are right, what she doesnt

know she cant criticize. I used to feel bad for not telling her things because

she is my mother after all, but what respect and love am I showing for myself by

handing over things so precious and valuable to me only to be stomped on? All

that said, stand strong and know that you do

not have to tell her anything you dont want to tell her. Besides, in my

experience I was very careful what I told her throughout my pregnancy and she

made up her own version anyways!<<<

I am concerned that she will just want to mother me

with baby advice and will totally disagree with every decision I make (i.e.,

working, etc.).

>>> The best advice that was given to me in regards to this is that your life

will be full of people giving you advice for your children so get used to it no

matter who it is. Ultimately you are the parent and must make the best decision

for her. Your relationship with your child should be valued and treasured above

what other people think of you - remember that as a KO because we didnt get

that.

I

know I have the power to hang up or tell her to mind her own business but I am

not

looking forward to the drama nonetheless. The saddest part is that the anxiety

of her

getting this news makes me wish I wasn't pregnant. I think it is because my mom

thinks

the only reason to get married is to procreate and so in some sick way, I feel

like she will

be more excited that I am fulfilling her plan for me than she will be for me!

>> Oh bah! Such is the life of a narcissistic BPD nada. My nada told me that

after three years she KNEW I would get pregnant because her prayer was that I

would experience pregnancy and that my getting pregnant was an answer to HER

prayers. PUHLEASE.

I am sure that

I am pregnant because of her prayers.

>>>Ouch. THis one struck a soft spot with me. My nada prays for me regularly,

and I value that. I know that God hears her prayers. But I also know that her

prayers do not change what God's will is for my life, and that her prayers are

exactly that, HERS. Thank her for her prayers. Value that. But dont let it

make you feel obligated to her for something. I pray for my daughter daily

because she is my daughter and I love her. Period.

I also know that she will take it personally that I

didn't tell her the day I peed on a stick (i am now 3 months along).

>>>Another thing I share with you and can relate to! My nada expects to be

the first one I call for everything, largely because of enmeshment. She wants

to be my best friend and not my mom - well, she kind of really wants to BE me.

Work on this one. And keep working on it because it will help you to protect

your daughter. (As I say that I am encouraging myself to practice what I

preach). My husband and I agreed that we would not call my parents until I was

well into labor because nada was not recognizing the boundary I had set of her

not being in the delivery room. I simply didnt want to deal with her

expectations on MY day, when I knew she would make things about her, so we

waited to call her. Guess what? Maybe she was angry, but wanting to see her

new granddaughter she kept her behavior in check!<<<

I wish I could enjoy

this milestone with my mom with joy and full support but having a mom with BP

really

robs the joy out of life's best moments. I am struggling to feel excited about

being

pregnant and I know deep down it is linked to my mother. I think I am afraid of

the

unknown with her and having a baby makes me feel vulnerable. Maybe I am afraid

to be

her or maybe I don't think I can handle having a new baby and my mother's drama

all at

the same time.

>>>I am sorry for your pain in this. I understand and deal with sadness for

not having a mother that can help me with my child as well. It is scarey now

that we realize we truly know NOTHING about being a mother! Rely on your

friends that are close an dlove you. They are your family! Also, it is good to

recognize your own limitations and plan accordingly. Personally, I knew that I

would not be able to handle all of the things on my list and learn to be the

mother I want to be while working, so I quit my job to be a stay at home mom.

Thankfully my husband is very supportive. (Just sharing an example)<<

I know I need to keep my contact limited but I think this is going to be the

hardest part of the separation since she is going to use this as a way to cling

back to me.

>>>I want to jump up and down and yell YES YES YES! Oh my gosh this has been

my nada over the last six months. It is completely crazy. But it is also

completely helping me to set boundaries, stick to them, and take responsiblity

for protecting my daughter. I look forward to discussing this topic with you as

we are both going through it <g>

Hugs,

BUtifulGrace

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[Guest guest]

smhtrain2 wrote: What I did think about was how was I

going to control her grand'parenting'. LOL! I was more worried

about how she would take care of the baby (even when in my presence)

than anything else. I already knew that anything she would say in

regard to parenting advice would be highly suspect. In fact, my

only rule going into parenting - at that time - was don't do

anything she did!

>>>This is exactly what I deal with. Except I have no intention of ever leaving

my daughter alone with nada. - until she is much older at least.

BGrace

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[Guest guest]

freemefrombp wrote:

This is going to be a big issue for me as well since my husband never wants my

mom to

babysit the baby. She does wacky things, especially if she thinks that you are

not

parenting the way that she wants

>>>Yup. Seeing this in action. My nada makes comments like " Is mommy beating

you while you are home alone with her? " or refuses to return my daughter to me

if she is crying because she wants to be the one to console her, or says things

like " I love my granddaughter more than my children " , or she says very fiercly

to my daugher who was five months at the time " You had better not cry when I

hold you!!! " . It is all so bizarre.

I know that I will have to hurt her feelings and keep

my distance which I feel will open more wounds between me and my mom - namely

that it

will open up more wounds inside of me.

>>>Again, DITTO. I have hurt her feelings, and that is really hard as a KO

because it keeps sucking me back into feeling responsible for her. She tries to

manipulate things that way and it is difficult because I dont want to keep my

daughter from knowing her grandparents, but at six months she is a smart cookie

and already doesnt like her! I refuse to let nada do to my daughter what she

did to me, and that is the bottom line. I t has opened more wounds and they

continue to fester, but the more that surface perhaps pushes me closer to

healing? Dont let her steal your joy. Be happy cause this is such a happy

time! And start working on your relationship with your husband right NOW. Not

only will it be strained when you bring home your baby just because that is

life, but nada will add to the mix and you will need his support.

BUtifulGrace

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[Guest guest]

fresabird wrote: Then she and FIL decided to buy a 2nd

home near us so they could " help " .

>>>This about caused me to run screaming from the room. My nada talks of this

kind of stuff all the time and it would cause me to move to the north pole.

She was at our home every day " helping " and totally out

of control.

>>>I saw this coming and have set boundaries before the baby was born, but she

still pushes them all the time. She would live with me if I would let her. The

way she talks about my daughter and how much she misses her creeps me out. The

best way I deal with it is by setting a boundary and then if she breaks it, I

reel it in and set a new, stricter one.

It is so hard, as now our children really love

their grandparents, but they are already starting to see her erratic behavior.

" Grandma is

being mean! " " Is Grandma coming back tomorrow? I only want Granddad. "

>>>This encourages me. I worry about the damage she will do now and how I

will handle things later. It encourages me that your children see the truth.

That is important for their health!

I would set very clear boundaries with an eye on

what I wanted her role to be in my children's life longterm. I would discuss

all this and

agree on it with dh long before the baby came.

>>>GREAT ADVICE. We did this too and it really saved us.

I would limit her role to the minimum

during the time the baby was born, and the first few weeks after. Maybe a

couple of

limited visits. New baby and parents should be the focus during this time -

they need to

bond, not deal with one of the grandmother's issues. I wouldn't care what other

people

thought about it, or what she said about it. I

>>>>AGAIN GREAT ADVICE. My nada tried to move in for the two weeks after the

baby was born. She never asked, just started moving her stuff into our guest

room and taking it over. It was way weird. Anyways I finally had to be very

clear that she was not welcome to stay with us, and I used my husband actually.

He stayed home with me for a week and a half so I stressed that we wanted time

for just us to bond. She still managed her way around that a few times but it

was minor compared to the damage she could have done.

BGrace

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