Re: Ever feel like you're a kid trapped in time and never grown up?

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean. I don't think I'll ever feel like an adult.

Usually I look for the good in that: trying to always see the world

with fresh eyes; staying creative and active. On the other hand it IS

weird. I've thought a lot about all the big & little things that held

me back. Recently I remembered an event from my early teen-years that

really upset me...now I see it as symbolic of that " don't grow up "

pathology. When I was very young I was given my Dad's old college

desk. It was big, scary and intimidating to me. Yet, I slowly grew

fond of it--mostly because it had huge drawers where I could maintain

an ounce of autonomy/privacy. It also had a huge work-surface on which

to write/draw. It made me feel smart/empowered. Right around the time

I turned 14, my nada decided to redecorate my bedroom. As a non, of

course, I had absolutely no say in the matter. She picked all the

colors, furniture, etc. I remember coming home from school and finding

a new dresser, bed, etc...and a new little, kid-sized desk. When I

tried it out, a wooden support-bar hit me right in the shins. I had

finally grown into that big, crazy old desk and really needed it to do

my homework. I never could make use of the new desk. All throughout my

high school years, I either worked on an old card table or used the

kitchen table. When I finally bought a house of my own years later,

nada/fada gave me the hated desk and made me feel guilty every time I

mentioned that I didn't want it. Well, that desk is finally going! I

recently bought a new desk that really pleases me. (I still don't feel

like an adult...but at least I'm trying to be a happy kid!)

>

> I am 62 yrs YOUNG (wink!!) and yet feel so helpless on occasion...I feel

> like I have lived up to the little kid image at which nada kept me

> fixated. I jokingly say I still don't know what I wanna be when I

> grow up. Most people laugh but have no idea how real this is...they

> just assume I'm joking and am making light of my age. The only thing

> for which I am thankful, however, is that I got nada's youthful genes

> and can sometimes dupe folks into believing I'm far younger than my true

> chronological age. BUT...can and is a curse, as I often have felt

> through life that sometimes folks don't validate me when I try to appear

> mature! This rang true about 17 yrs ago when I was 45 and my kids'

> principal thought I was " thirtysomething " . I said, " Oh, does it make a

> difference? Are you saying that you treat the younger moms in a more

> patronizing manner than us older and more experienced moms? " She kinda

> looked like she had just eaten crow and from that moment on and for

> several years hence, fawned all over me...which was disgusting. Even on

> days when I looked like hell she would feel obliged to tell me I looked

> so great...yuck!!!

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your kid's desk sounds like all the nerdy clothes nada forced me to

wear. On one hand I was always made to feel like the kid, but on the

other hand I was a teen just coming into my 20's and she forced me to

wear what we called back in the day, " shirt waists " like what LEAVE IT

TO BEAVER's " mom " would wear complete with pearl necklace. These

clothes were meant for 40-somethings or more, and here I was a teen

whose sexuality and the expression of body was being jeopardized by

concealing (?) me in these stoggy old lady clothes. When I finally made

my break and RAN AWAY from Denver to Kentucky to be with my fiance and

future husband, I actually put a broom handle across the back area of

the car on which to hang all those hideous clothes -- there were so many

that there was no room for anything else (other household goods or

possessions). I still question why I burdened myself with those hated

dresses. I later reflected on that and thought I should have driven to

the nearest dumpster and had " at it " . Still trying to appease and

please nada. Even yet she would send boxes upon boxes of clothing she

had bought at garage or rummage sales and then when she'd see me ask why

I wasn't wearing them. DUH!!!!!!!!!!!

After I got to KY and several MONTHS later, a budding friendship took

hold. Elaine said one day, " Until which time as you GET RID of those

clothes, I don't want to see you again. " Huh? Oh! It seemed strange to

me that I hadn't thought of it, or at least I still felt so caught up in

holding on to the very things I loathed the most. Once I purged and

took all those damned dresses to GOODWILL, it was like the fog had

lifted. SHE (nada) had still been in the control seat whether I knew it

or not, and this first of many symbolic purgings got easier and easier.

That very day I went out shopping. I bought the cutest clothes and for

once felt LIBERATED. As simplistic as this should have been, clearly it

wasn't. My fiance was startled by this new found freedom and I feel he

applauded my endeavors and efforts.

POST SCRIPT------------> Four years ago when I settled my folks' estate

single-handedly [only child], I spent a cumulative total of 8 weeks in

Denver (I live in SF) throwing out THINGS. Talk about a walk down

memory lane...the craziness of nada pervaded EVERYTHING/EVERYWHERE.

She even saved used tea bags! BUT, this purging was an awesome

release...I could actually THROW out things that I never would have

considered " throw 'outable' " years ago. It was definitely a cathartic

time in which I could really stand back and see just how nutz she really

was. I really COULD write a book!

> >

> > I am 62 yrs YOUNG (wink!!) and yet feel so helpless on occasion...I

feel

> > like I have lived up to the little kid image at which nada kept me

> > fixated. I jokingly say I still don't know what I wanna be when I

> > grow up. Most people laugh but have no idea how real this is...they

> > just assume I'm joking and am making light of my age. The only

thing

> > for which I am thankful, however, is that I got nada's youthful

genes

> > and can sometimes dupe folks into believing I'm far younger than my

true

> > chronological age. BUT...can and is a curse, as I often have felt

> > through life that sometimes folks don't validate me when I try to

appear

> > mature! This rang true about 17 yrs ago when I was 45 and my kids'

> > principal thought I was " thirtysomething " . I said, " Oh, does it

make a

> > difference? Are you saying that you treat the younger moms in a

more

> > patronizing manner than us older and more experienced moms? " She

kinda

> > looked like she had just eaten crow and from that moment on and for

> > several years hence, fawned all over me...which was disgusting.

Even on

> > days when I looked like hell she would feel obliged to tell me I

looked

> > so great...yuck!!!

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I know what you're talking about!!

I had very little control over what I could wear. And nada had a 6th

sense for forcing me to wear outfits that REALLY embarrassed me:

....a blue & white polka-dot suit on a class trip to a cave

(all I needed was an Easter bonnet!)

....a mustard-yellow, polyester pantsuit that I was forced to wear at

my high school orientation night

(I hid in a dark room)

....a " Little House on the Prairie " dress

(I was 24 years old and living in a boho neighborhood)

I could go on. I felt like a freak.

And nada still loves to buy me clothes.

NC made me realize how much stuff I still had in my closet from her

that I really didn't like. It felt great to give it all away to goodwill.

> > >

> > > I am 62 yrs YOUNG (wink!!) and yet feel so helpless on occasion...I

> feel

> > > like I have lived up to the little kid image at which nada kept me

> > > fixated. I jokingly say I still don't know what I wanna be when I

> > > grow up. Most people laugh but have no idea how real this is...they

> > > just assume I'm joking and am making light of my age. The only

> thing

> > > for which I am thankful, however, is that I got nada's youthful

> genes

> > > and can sometimes dupe folks into believing I'm far younger than my

> true

> > > chronological age. BUT...can and is a curse, as I often have felt

> > > through life that sometimes folks don't validate me when I try to

> appear

> > > mature! This rang true about 17 yrs ago when I was 45 and my kids'

> > > principal thought I was " thirtysomething " . I said, " Oh, does it

> make a

> > > difference? Are you saying that you treat the younger moms in a

> more

> > > patronizing manner than us older and more experienced moms? " She

> kinda

> > > looked like she had just eaten crow and from that moment on and for

> > > several years hence, fawned all over me...which was disgusting.

> Even on

> > > days when I looked like hell she would feel obliged to tell me I

> looked

> > > so great...yuck!!!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

If nothing has ever validated me and my stance, these various posts

surely do...thanx for the shocking similarities, but maybe, too, misery

loves company (only kidding...I HATED being MISERABLE). One additional

thing...my east coast g'ma would, at Christmastime always send at least

one if not two dresses from the likes of LORD AND TAYLORS or some other

high end store. Not only were these meant for the ultimate of special

occasions, but certainly NOT for school. You guessed it...and then I

wonder why the kids resented me. I was either too prim and proper OR

looked like a little (gag me) Princess. Ewwwwwwww.

One of the most exciting events in my life, perhaps a small one, but yet

stood for emancipation from the fleas, was the day I went to pick up my

then middle school daughter. Throngs of kids were spilling out of the

school and try as I might to locate my kid, they ALL looked the same,

mine, included. This made me realize but one thing...I wasn't forcing

her to be different like I was...she had choices..whether or NOT to be

different...that would have been HER choice...NOT a forced one.

>

> my nada tried real hard to make me wear this kind of crap too..and I

flatly

> refused. when I was little, she was awful about it..usually dressed

me and

> my sister who is 3 years older alike, like we were twins or

something...I

> hated it !! anything my sister wanted to wear, I had to wear...my

sister

> loved dressing very girly ( I was always a tom boy) with

ruffles...YUCK !!

> but once I got older, my outfits got " accidentally " stained,

> ripped,lost...the last piece of clothing she bought me was an " old

lady "

> suit..stretch pants, matching blouse and weird sweater...just the

thing that

> 70 year old ladies in FL wear...needless to say Goodwill got a lot of

crap

> that nada sent me

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> I know what you're talking about!!

> I had very little control over what I could wear. And nada had a 6th

> sense for forcing me to wear outfits that REALLY embarrassed me:

>

> ...a blue & white polka-dot suit on a class trip to a cave

> (all I needed was an Easter bonnet!)

>

> ...a mustard-yellow, polyester pantsuit that I was forced to wear at

> my high school orientation night

> (I hid in a dark room)

>

> ...a " Little House on the Prairie " dress

> (I was 24 years old and living in a boho neighborhood)

>

> I could go on. I felt like a freak.

> And nada still loves to buy me clothes.

> NC made me realize how much stuff I still had in my closet from her

> that I really didn't like. It felt great to give it all away to

goodwill.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, man...it's hard to believe we're not all related to the same nada.

Some of the prevailing traits are just too similar. Right now I'm

rehashing what I've been reading in the last week or so and the list

includes:

Letter writing

Sabotaging wedding or big events

Pictures

Clothing

(to name the ones that stand out)

What about an issue that still pervades and haunts me to this

day...controlling who you date and ultimately marry? OR...controlling

you so much your boy friend(s) run as fast in the opposite direction

once they find out about nada. (She'd grill them at the door each and

every time......)

>

> my nada tried real hard to make me wear this kind of crap too..and I

flatly

> refused. when I was little, she was awful about it..usually dressed

me and

> my sister who is 3 years older alike, like we were twins or

something...I

> hated it !! anything my sister wanted to wear, I had to wear...my

sister

> loved dressing very girly ( I was always a tom boy) with

ruffles...YUCK !!

> but once I got older, my outfits got " accidentally " stained,

> ripped,lost...the last piece of clothing she bought me was an " old

lady "

> suit..stretch pants, matching blouse and weird sweater...just the

thing that

> 70 year old ladies in FL wear...needless to say Goodwill got a lot of

crap

> that nada sent me

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> I know what you're talking about!!

> I had very little control over what I could wear. And nada had a 6th

> sense for forcing me to wear outfits that REALLY embarrassed me:

>

> ...a blue & white polka-dot suit on a class trip to a cave

> (all I needed was an Easter bonnet!)

>

> ...a mustard-yellow, polyester pantsuit that I was forced to wear at

> my high school orientation night

> (I hid in a dark room)

>

> ...a " Little House on the Prairie " dress

> (I was 24 years old and living in a boho neighborhood)

>

> I could go on. I felt like a freak.

> And nada still loves to buy me clothes.

> NC made me realize how much stuff I still had in my closet from her

> that I really didn't like. It felt great to give it all away to

goodwill.

>

[Guest guest]

Grustel,

Happy to meet you! I'm almost 60 and I haven't figured out what I

want to be when I grow up either! Glad I'm not the only one my age

who feels that way. I worry that I'm running out of time - I try

not to because worrying wastes even more time. Maybe " what do you

want to be " is the wrong question - like " which box do you want to

put yourself in? " I don't want to be in a box, I want to be me -

whoever that is. I always knew I wanted to be an " ist " , I just

couldn't figure out what kind of an ist - a psychologist, guitarist,

sociologist, biologist, etc. There are so many interesting things

to do and learn about, getting deep into one thing means not doing

something else and so I know a little bit about a lot of things,

maybe that's ok. I'm trying to relax and look at this as a process

of discovery, instead of deciding what to be.

I also look a lot younger than I am, and that's not as much fun as

it used to be. It was fun to be carded at 45. Not fun to be

patronized or bossed by people young enough to be our children. And

I hear you about teachers and principals patronizing! My youngest

is only 19, so it wasn't that long ago when I was going to parent-

teacher conferences. Loved getting lectures on how to parent, from

childless 20-somethings! I think people make assumptions about my

age based on the ages of my children.

I am still learning to think like an adult about things like money

and career. (That's why I don't have either one.) I never felt

like I had permission to be an adult. How dare I make decisions for

myself? I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in adolescence

permanently. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who the heck

is that middle aged woman there? How did my mother's photo get on

my driver's license? I don't feel on the inside like who I am on

the outside.

I especially don't feel like an adult when interacting with my

mother. I don't know whether that's just me or whether she talks to

me like a child. I'm going to try to notice. It's like I have to

pretend to be a good little girl when I talk to her. Feels like when

I was in middle school, wiping off my eye shadow and unrolling my

skirt waistband before I got home.

I recently read an article about " second adulthood " that starts

after menopause and after the kids leave, when women reinvent

themselves. Sounds like a great idea. I'm looking forward to it.

>

> I am 62 yrs YOUNG (wink!!) and yet feel so helpless on

occasion...I feel

> like I have lived up to the little kid image at which nada kept me

> fixated. I jokingly say I still don't know what I wanna be when

I

> grow up. Most people laugh but have no idea how real this

is...they

> just assume I'm joking and am making light of my age. The only

thing

> for which I am thankful, however, is that I got nada's youthful

genes

> and can sometimes dupe folks into believing I'm far younger than

my true

> chronological age. BUT...can and is a curse, as I often have felt

> through life that sometimes folks don't validate me when I try to

appear

> mature! This rang true about 17 yrs ago when I was 45 and my kids'

> principal thought I was " thirtysomething " . I said, " Oh, does it

make a

> difference? Are you saying that you treat the younger moms in a

more

> patronizing manner than us older and more experienced moms? " She

kinda

> looked like she had just eaten crow and from that moment on and for

> several years hence, fawned all over me...which was disgusting.

Even on

> days when I looked like hell she would feel obliged to tell me I

looked

> so great...yuck!!!

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I've felt trapped in a time warp for years. It's as if people

just don't validate the experiences in my life, or care. Some

people, usually professionals that I work with tell me how

intelligent I am. That I should have been a doctor. But, in my

own family, circle & my borderline husbands family, I've been told

I'm flawed for so many years that it's hard to stand up and achieve

the things I've always been told that I couldn't.

> > > >

> > > > I am 62 yrs YOUNG (wink!!) and yet feel so helpless on

occasion...I

> > feel

> > > > like I have lived up to the little kid image at which nada

kept me

> > > > fixated. I jokingly say I still don't know what I wanna

be when I

> > > > grow up. Most people laugh but have no idea how real this

is...they

> > > > just assume I'm joking and am making light of my age. The

only

> > thing

> > > > for which I am thankful, however, is that I got nada's

youthful

> > genes

> > > > and can sometimes dupe folks into believing I'm far younger

than my

> > true

> > > > chronological age. BUT...can and is a curse, as I often

have felt

> > > > through life that sometimes folks don't validate me when I

try to

> > appear

> > > > mature! This rang true about 17 yrs ago when I was 45 and

my kids'

> > > > principal thought I was " thirtysomething " . I said, " Oh,

does it

> > make a

> > > > difference? Are you saying that you treat the younger moms

in a

> > more

> > > > patronizing manner than us older and more experienced

moms? " She

> > kinda

> > > > looked like she had just eaten crow and from that moment on

and for

> > > > several years hence, fawned all over me...which was

disgusting.

> > Even on

> > > > days when I looked like hell she would feel obliged to tell

me I

> > looked

> > > > so great...yuck!!!

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!

The part that upsets me is the lack of validation from

my husband, lately. He is usually so understanding.

But lately he says that I am always looking for

something to be unhappy about, that I am never

satisfied, that I NEED chaos. So not true. I have

lately tried to look for the positives in my life. I

am healthy (physically and working on emotionally), I

have a great husband and his family is wonderful, I

have a home (usually without tension), I have a job I

love, I have this group and a great therapist, and

overall I feel better than I have in a very long time.

But my husband is older (no big deal to me) except

when we have a disagreement, he feels it necessary to

let me know he is older, has lived life, and that I

don't know what struggles are. Granted I am very

blessed, but why is it everyone else has it just as

bad or worse, or that my pain is less then worthy of

validation? I guess what upset me the most was a few

weeks ago when he implied that I was crazy. If I talk

about a busy night at work, it's complaining. If I

mention that I am working to make things better for us

(taking care of more responsiblity, working with him

as a team, looking at myself and how this all affects

OUR relationship), he reports that I am only doing

what I should have been doing anyway. He also feels

like I am controlling him. Am I really acting like a

child? Sometimes, I feel like I am really trying

hard, but maybe I am not giving it my all. Maybe I am

reading more into than it is. I guess I just feel

like he uses his age to somehow belittle me. Maybe he

is trying to help, but it still bothers me.

B

I hope this doesn't sound like I am rambling,

sometimes it is hard to stay focused.

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