:A first question to friends at aspire.

[Guest guest]

There's alot of talk here about different world experience between NT's and AS folk who are in marriage relationships or are a couple. I am just becoming familiar with what constitutes AS behaviour in my spouse and what does not, myself. Four years ago, I hadn't even heard of AS, and when my then boyfriend told me that he had Asperger's, I didn't think too much about it because he was sociable and seemed "normal," to me. I remember thinking, that whatever asperger's was, it must be mild enough because he seems ok to me. Maybe , I thought, he has problems with touch or small obsessions or something along those lines, who knows, but I couldn't see any such problems at the time. I thought no more about it and his family never spoke of it. My work is with special needs adults, but they have

intellectual disabilities like down syndrome and so on. Basically, I could not see any comparison with my future hubby, so I wasn't really worried. He did seem immature and naiive though, and I put that down to having very dominant and controlling parents. His family seemed superficially accepting about us being together, except that they were always taking over whenever we were together and his mum would at times try to dissuade him, in my absence usually but sometimes to my face from marrying. At other times, she would be affirming and warm. It was a rollercoaster ride and quite a messy situation at times. Then six wks before the wedding his mother, arranged a meeting in a hotel, where suddenly the accusations started to fly and we were told that we would be cursed by God if we married and that she would have nothing to do with us. So for about the first year and a half of our marriage, we were just trying to cope with the family fall out

and didn't really have the emotional capacity to address aspects of our relationship.Why you may ask do I want to look at the nature of the relationship now? Isn't he just a guy with his unique skills , habits and flaws like anyone else, labels aside. Well, yes, I do hope that I can see and love the whole person. And you know some, AS traits make the relationship work better for the two of us. But I am convinced that if I know how to recognise when AS traits are kicking in, then I will know much better what to do and what not to do.I have no compass, to tell me whether I am thinking in the right way about our marriage relationship and what goes on in it. Please be patient.It seems to me quite a funny and peculiar fact that, I am more like an AS myself in respect to intense interests, friendlessness, socially awkwardness and I have a better relationship at times to activities than people. The reasons for this however are not AS

related, but is more to do with my family background. But interestingly, I can relate well to many AS situations in the minefield of emotions and relationships. So here is a short description of a recurring difficulty, between my husband and myself. Any advice would be great, thanks.I wish I knew how to communicate better. What is happening, when I plainly say, "That is irritating, please stop,"? I am still asking the same thing about an hour later, and my husband is telling me, that he has stopped. Then a few minutes later, he begins to play with my fingers again, or something similar....I ask him to stop for the umteenth time.The situation is a deadlock.It is 4am in the morning. We both explode at each other.Where do we go from there? What can I do differently, that will help?Is there some other way, I can communicate or understand what is happening? -Alison