Re: Mel Gibson

[Guest guest]

Dear Helena

 

I feel so sad to know that you have experienced this.  It is very debilitating and can seem to destroy so much of what we want to be about - our values.  I know - because I've been there - twice. 

 

I did not recognise the 'signs' because I was not experienced in living with appropriate boundaries.  I had not been allowed, or taught to have these as a child and so was not good at spotting when someone was violating my boundaries. I became scared of letting anyone near, and appeared aloof and unsociable - but I was crying inside and so, so lonely.

 

 As I learned to consciously think about my boundaries, and take committed action in the direction of what I valued - which for me was to have healthy, loving relationships with friends and in intimate relationships - I started to recognise when someone was trying to cross the boundary and I started to learn to become assertive.

 

Boundaries have really become much more clear to me as I have practised mindfulness and learned how to bring myself into the present moment - especially when I feel very uncomfortable - so that I can notice what my discomfort is connected to in the environment eg a manipulative move by someone else.  Then I notice why I find it difficult to be assertive - then push through with committed action. Sometimes the person involves steps right back and the boundary is established for ever. Sometimes it's a constant struggle - sometimes I walk away from the struggle altogether.

 

It was tempting to give up all relationships before I had this game plan - but it was such a lonely, unfulfilling existence - and very difficult to do my job effectively.  It took a  few years - but I am now married to a man who respects me and my boundaries  - and nurtures me into the bargain.  I have healthy friendships and am going in the direction I want - most of the time.  I have also learned not to judge myself when I mess up there.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Warmly

 

Ingrid

 

I'm having a hard time watching the Mel Gibson drama unfold because I used to be married to someone who reminds me of him.  After we were divorced, I got involved with a boyfriend who was kind and respectful.  Until we moved in together, and then he started hitting and punching me.  I did not know he was a drug abuser until then.

Has anyone else here dealt with verbal or physical abuse in their relationships?  I find it keeps rearing its ugly head in my life and it is the primary reason I am afraid of relationships.  I think I said previously that I was scared of people, but what I am really afraid of is relationships with people.  I form strong bonds with my pets, currently two kitties and two birdies (never the twain shall meet!).  They are my children since I lost two of my human children -- too sad to talk about.

Helena

 

 

[Guest guest]

hi Helena

I am very sorry for your loss it is a really terrible wound and I really hope

that somehow you will find healing for it.

I also suffered abuse in a very close family relationship with my mom and other

important caregivers. To keep it brief it was emotional psychological and

eventually physical abuse. Combined with this was virtually no positive

emotional input as I was growing up. This did play the major part in the

genesis of my chronic depression and anxiety. Because this condition went

unchecked by any effort on my part for about 11 years as a therapist explained

to me my emotions fused with the depression I was suffering from to produce

continual emotional numbness both when I was feeling good and bad. This only

lifts when depression does completely.

To deal with this I had to realize that there was affective and effective love.

So all that was open was to show caring in all relationships from that point of

view as the affective was not open to me. Very often I do experience a feeling

of falseness when expressing caring but as my motivation is genuine I remind

myself that I am living according to my values.

To get back to your problem. Physical violence may be one of your main fears so

I would suggest taking up the martial arts and perfecting your skills to the

point where you can defend yourself no matter what. This would be very

confidence building.

With regard to your fear of the relationships with people I wonder would you

consider adapting the CBT technique of rehearsal. If purpose is to allow people

to prepare for dealing with the difficult situations. You could go back over

some of the negative interactions of the past identifying the problems and

things that went wrong and visualize yourself using acceptance and defusion to

deal with the painful thoughts and feelings and see yourself managing to

interact smoothly despite the difficulties. Practicing that kind of exercise

daily would bring you to the point where it would be second nature for you to

respond in this way in real life situations.

Choosing the most conducive conditions possible for interaction would be

helpful. Perhaps joining any local depression groups would help as everyone

there would be in the same boat as us. There is GROW which you can find out

about by putting grow in America into the search bar. They are a 12 step

recovery group and friendship is a very big thing with them. As I am in it in

Ireland I do have their U.S. Contact number for you. As I have saved their

recovery Manual to the computer it would be possible to e-mail it to you.

There is also the option of joining NAMI the American organization for the

mentally ill which you can access by putting their name in to the search bar.

often they do run local depression support groups. They also do other work and

in interaction there the focus would be on their business. As the members would

be people who have experienced a mental illness perhaps that would be helpful.

Perhaps you would like to pursue this discussion further by using the back

channel. I would be only too happy to help in any way that I can. God bless

and best wishes from your friend Francis

>

>

> I'm having a hard time watching the Mel Gibson drama unfold because I

> used to be married to someone who reminds me of him. After we were

> divorced, I got involved with a boyfriend who was kind and respectful.

> Until we moved in together, and then he started hitting and punching me.

> I did not know he was a drug abuser until then.

>

> Has anyone else here dealt with verbal or physical abuse in their

> relationships? I find it keeps rearing its ugly head in my life and it

> is the primary reason I am afraid of relationships. I think I said

> previously that I was scared of people, but what I am really afraid of

> is relationships with people. I form strong bonds with my pets,

> currently two kitties and two birdies (never the twain shall meet!).

> They are my children since I lost two of my human children -- too sad to

> talk about.

>

> Helena

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your understanding and insight, Ingrid. That's all I can say right now. I appreciate your kindness.

Helena

> > >> >> > I'm having a hard time watching the Mel Gibson drama unfold because I used> > to be married to someone who reminds me of him. After we were divorced, I> > got involved with a boyfriend who was kind and respectful. Until we moved> > in together, and then he started hitting and punching me. I did not know he> > was a drug abuser until then.> >> > Has anyone else here dealt with verbal or physical abuse in their> > relationships? I find it keeps rearing its ugly head in my life and it is> > the primary reason I am afraid of relationships. I think I said previously> > that I was scared of people, but what I am really afraid of is relationships> > with people. I form strong bonds with my pets, currently two kitties and> > two birdies (never the twain shall meet!). They are my children since I> > lost two of my human children -- too sad to talk about.> >> > Helena> >> >> >> >> >> > > >>

[Guest guest]

Thank you , Francis.

Helena

> >> > > > I'm having a hard time watching the Mel Gibson drama unfold because I> > used to be married to someone who reminds me of him. After we were> > divorced, I got involved with a boyfriend who was kind and respectful. > > Until we moved in together, and then he started hitting and punching me.> > I did not know he was a drug abuser until then.> > > > Has anyone else here dealt with verbal or physical abuse in their> > relationships? I find it keeps rearing its ugly head in my life and it> > is the primary reason I am afraid of relationships. I think I said> > previously that I was scared of people, but what I am really afraid of> > is relationships with people. I form strong bonds with my pets,> > currently two kitties and two birdies (never the twain shall meet!). > > They are my children since I lost two of my human children -- too sad to> > talk about.> > > > Helena> >>