Re: Need help calming down

[Guest guest]

Non-BP, I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I thik that

if I felt that a person who didn't like me had gone behind my back and

caused me to miss an opportunity I wanted that it would set off fleas

too. During times like that, it's very difficult for me to focus on

anything else. I am very impressed that you've taken such good,

healthy steps to cope with this kind of dissappointment--such as

talking with friends, reading funny things and working to cheer

yourself up. I really struggle with finding the willpower to pull

myself out of my reactions to this kind of thing, so I am very

impressed with your strength.

I am glad you've decided to post about this and ask for support,

because I think you deserve it. You play a very supportive role on

this board and so much of what you say is meaningful, relevant and

helpful to others and I am really glad you're here!

I hope that you will continue to post as time goes on and you are

working through this so that the group can support you. When

something like this is going on and I'm reacting to it and feel like I

can't sleep and can't focus on other things, it feels like it's never

going to end, but it always does. I always calm down eventually and I

think you will too.

Hugs,

Trish

>

> Dear Fellow KOs,

>

> I was heavily restimulated yesterday. Someone who'd taken an immediate

> disliking to me when we met not long ago (which has happened many

times in

> my life) played an important role in some people choosing not to

work with

> me anymore. I immediately knew that this resembled my FOO experience.

> Within five hours, I had gone through the entire initial cycle of

> (partial) denial and isolation (I quickly did some prayer and

meditation,

> and called friends), anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, the

> same cycle of the stages of death. I understood that something (an

> opportunity to do something I liked) had died. I know it may be a good

> thing and I immediately recognized some good in it, such as more time to

> do other things! I spent hours reading humorous things and doing other

> good things, such as reading (and replying to a few of) your great

posts,

> to distract myself from the strength of my feelings until I calmed down

> enough to go to sleep.

>

> Friends have encouraged me to share even more about this kind of thing.

> The part I'd like your feedback and validation about is that person.

> She's vivacious, pretty, intelligent, quick-talking and sociable, and I

> believe she has some NPD. At the least, she influenced others

against me

> (in other words, smeared me, like my BPD nada has done all my life). At

> the most, she engineered my removal. I know I can say about all of them

> to myself, " Good riddance! " My fear is the deep restimulation and

renewal

> of feelings of hopelessness and helplessness now and in the days ahead,

> like I've endured about my FOO. I know I have to, but I don't want to

> deal with it ( " I don' wanna! I don' wanna! Waaaaaaa! " ). What I'd like

> is a little pep talk. Remind me that this, too, shall pass, these

things

> happen all the time, even though I'm the odd one out (again) that

I'm not

> a bad odd, etc.

>

> Naturally, part of me wants to get in their, especially her, face

and tell

> them to go _____ themselves. Part of me wants to calmly,

confidently and

> firmly tell them, " You made a big mistake. Your loss. Bye. " I

could use

> some support in continuing to calm down from this latest brush with

> inappropriate behavior. Thanks. Have a great day!

>

> One Non-BP Recovering Man

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Hello. I am not ignoring you. I want to answer because I have trouble with this

too. I want to give you a considered reply, if I can, so will write later

tonight. Kathleen

Need help calming down

Dear Fellow KOs,

I was heavily restimulated yesterday. Someone who'd taken an immediate

disliking to me when we met not long ago (which has happened many times in

my life) played an important role in some people choosing not to work with

me anymore. I immediately knew that this resembled my FOO experience.

Within five hours, I had gone through the entire initial cycle of

(partial) denial and isolation (I quickly did some prayer and meditation,

and called friends), anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, the

same cycle of the stages of death. I understood that something (an

opportunity to do something I liked) had died. I know it may be a good

thing and I immediately recognized some good in it, such as more time to

do other things! I spent hours reading humorous things and doing other

good things, such as reading (and replying to a few of) your great posts,

to distract myself from the strength of my feelings until I calmed down

enough to go to sleep.

Friends have encouraged me to share even more about this kind of thing.

The part I'd like your feedback and validation about is that person.

She's vivacious, pretty, intelligent, quick-talking and sociable, and I

believe she has some NPD. At the least, she influenced others against me

(in other words, smeared me, like my BPD nada has done all my life). At

the most, she engineered my removal. I know I can say about all of them

to myself, " Good riddance! " My fear is the deep restimulation and renewal

of feelings of hopelessness and helplessness now and in the days ahead,

like I've endured about my FOO. I know I have to, but I don't want to

deal with it ( " I don' wanna! I don' wanna! Waaaaaaa! " ). What I'd like

is a little pep talk. Remind me that this, too, shall pass, these things

happen all the time, even though I'm the odd one out (again) that I'm not

a bad odd, etc.

Naturally, part of me wants to get in their, especially her, face and tell

them to go _____ themselves. Part of me wants to calmly, confidently and

firmly tell them, " You made a big mistake. Your loss. Bye. " I could use

some support in continuing to calm down from this latest brush with

inappropriate behavior. Thanks. Have a great day!

One Non-BP Recovering Man

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Non,

I'm not the 'I told you so' type of person, but as you can see in

Trish's post- 'I told you so.' You ARE one of the most supportive

people here always listening and giving feedback to everyone else's

problems and you do deserve to be heard as well and have issues in

your daily life also. I'm really glad you posted this though I think

it sucks you are going through this. Trish really summed up so well

of what I would write and she says it perfectly....well I hate the

word 'perfect' so I will say 'excellently' And I'm telling I told

you so in so far as meaning all these good attributes you give to the

group and how deserving you are of 'getting' in return.

That said, with regards to your problem at hand, I have had a few

uncomfortable times at various jobs before as well (though this one

is not nearly so political- being a SAHM- lol). One thing that always

got me out of the trigger zone was something I did when I was 21 and

working at my third job (worked fastfood in high school and then a

real job for two years and then was at this third real job- not that

fastfood wasn't a real job, but one I enjoyed I mean). Anyway, I

worked there for 9 months and ended up crying in the bathroom a lot

and in the end when I found out some rumors were going around about

me and that everyone had kind of turned on me, I just quit showing

up. No two weeks notice. Nothing. Granted I didn't exactly need the

job as it wasn't a high paying job- had no kids or mortgage or car

payments or anything the likes. They were pissed and I felt better.

I had another job where this lady was clearly in retrospect an

NPD/BP. She use to supposedly be a 'model' when she was younger, but

I doubt that seriously- maybe a handmodel or something, but I've done

that. Come on. She was meglomania to the nth degree and ended up

trying to turn me against my friend who got me the job there in the

first place. She knew I was the stronger character one of us and

would try to play favorites which just pissed me off. Now I know it

is common for a bp. In the end, my grandmother ended up dieing and I

needed time off and then after two days off, I decided after she kept

bugging my friend who worked there about when I was coming back in

that I wasn't going back that day. And so I started to call in sick

from Wed-Friday. I knew she was going on a two week vacation the

following week to Hawaii and that if I just quit it would create a

little bit more workload for my friend, but I didn't need the job as

my student loans just went through and my friend and I both agreed

that we'd rather piss her off w/me quitting the Monday she started

vacation than me coming in and helping my friend. And she was more

pissed at her lack of control over the situation and ability to

manipulate me than she needed the extra worker bee (I can still her

saying that stupid catch phrase- 'you're golden'. Makes me want to

vomit now days). But I am passive-aggressive like that and make no

apologies.

I put up w/a lot of crap that I never deserved in childhood. I won't

and don't do it for a job and I tell my dh all the time, honey if you

don't like your job, just find another one. We have our backsides

covered right now for 3 months worth of expenses and a little saved

for retirement and college, but we're going to continue to save and

save and save so that if he does decide to walk in one day and

say 'screw you', we will truly be financially free enough to pick and

chose what employer he works for. As it is, he really does love his

job. I think if I were in your shoes, I would say 'this is America.

jobs are a dime a dozen and while it may not always be the one you

want and it may take you a little while longer to fine one you are

specifically trained for, life is way too short for stress on the job

like this unless you are like a surgeon or something.' That is

another reason I'm big on all the people I love getting a copy of the

Total Money MakeOver by Dave Ramsey so that they don't ever feel like

they are 'trapped' in their jobs. But even if you don't want to

leave your current job situation, you can do like I've done a few

times in those situaitons and just know in your heart that you can

walk whenever you want. That freedom of knowing you have a choice of

what you will and will not put up with is HUGE for a childhood abuse

survivor. You didn't have a choice in childhood, but you have a

choice as an adult. Truly that ability to control my thoughts in

highest moments of stress was the only thing that kept me going

growing up w/nada. I knew someday I'd be able to leave. But for

outside triggers like you have right now, I say to myself 'that was

then, this is now.' and see what you come up with.

Truly it sounds to me like you've got a really good system working of

excellent coping mechanisms. Its hard even for the nonchildhood abuse

person to put up w/head games and office politics (hence we like that

show 'Office' and love the movie 'Office Space'- if you haven't seen

it, that's a good one to rent to let off steam as well) and so you're

maybe more normal than you think.

Anyways, I wish you the best and thanks again for sharing and letting

us try to help you as much as you do for us.

Kerrie

> >

> > Dear Fellow KOs,

> >

> > I was heavily restimulated yesterday. Someone who'd taken an

immediate

> > disliking to me when we met not long ago (which has happened many

> times in

> > my life) played an important role in some people choosing not to

> work with

> > me anymore. I immediately knew that this resembled my FOO

experience.

> > Within five hours, I had gone through the entire initial cycle of

> > (partial) denial and isolation (I quickly did some prayer and

> meditation,

> > and called friends), anger, bargaining, depression and

acceptance, the

> > same cycle of the stages of death. I understood that something

(an

> > opportunity to do something I liked) had died. I know it may be

a good

> > thing and I immediately recognized some good in it, such as more

time to

> > do other things! I spent hours reading humorous things and doing

other

> > good things, such as reading (and replying to a few of) your great

> posts,

> > to distract myself from the strength of my feelings until I

calmed down

> > enough to go to sleep.

> >

> > Friends have encouraged me to share even more about this kind of

thing.

> > The part I'd like your feedback and validation about is that

person.

> > She's vivacious, pretty, intelligent, quick-talking and sociable,

and I

> > believe she has some NPD. At the least, she influenced others

> against me

> > (in other words, smeared me, like my BPD nada has done all my

life). At

> > the most, she engineered my removal. I know I can say about all

of them

> > to myself, " Good riddance! " My fear is the deep restimulation and

> renewal

> > of feelings of hopelessness and helplessness now and in the days

ahead,

> > like I've endured about my FOO. I know I have to, but I don't

want to

> > deal with it ( " I don' wanna! I don' wanna! Waaaaaaa! " ). What

I'd like

> > is a little pep talk. Remind me that this, too, shall pass, these

> things

> > happen all the time, even though I'm the odd one out (again) that

> I'm not

> > a bad odd, etc.

> >

> > Naturally, part of me wants to get in their, especially her, face

> and tell

> > them to go _____ themselves. Part of me wants to calmly,

> confidently and

> > firmly tell them, " You made a big mistake. Your loss. Bye. " I

> could use

> > some support in continuing to calm down from this latest brush

with

> > inappropriate behavior. Thanks. Have a great day!

> >

> > One Non-BP Recovering Man

> >

> >

> > __________________________________________________

> >

[Guest guest]

Recov,

The post below is b.s., partially facitious and satirical. Take it with a grain

of salt because I'm answering you but I don't know what to do either. I've just

started therapy, remember!

Dear Recovering,

Okay, I've been there. Lots. We word it differently but it's the same. This

happens to people all the time. Some, the lucky ones, just do say FU and go on.

You and I gotta go down into the pit, feel the pain, feel the self-pity, and

then rock by rock crawl back up into daylight. We're think we're looking for

the quick fix so we can walk away with only one, maybe two, minutes of pain. Oh

no, we got to learn from it, or maybe we gotta get mad at nada again and have a

good excuse for failing, so we give it all we've got and then some more.

That's the first paragraph.

Okay, here's what I've learned. First, you are most likely the victim of

gossip. This is a clique or the beginning on one. These are people you'd like

to be friends with, you think, even though cliques are not nice people. You're

right, they are like nada, a little snide, a little cruel, a little superior,

they hold all the cards and you would have been very good at what they took

away. They remind me of high schoolers in cliquish small towns. For years

their roles have been set up, who will be cheerleader, who will be king at the

prom, and if someone appears who might challenge that set-up, they can be

merciless in what they will do to hold their status quo (unless they run into a

bp who wants it too and can be merciless in obtaining it. Send your nada to the

next meeting. That'll teach 'em.) We all want to be popular but we can't all

have it. These flibberty f.u.'s get in the way.

What I do at this point is go eat worms. I walk very dignifedly to the mailbox

and if I meet someone else I chat them up like I don't hurt and pretend I don't

hear the group groan in superiority and self-righteousness. Then I go outside

and let the air out of their tires.

Will this get by the censor? I'll write a serious one later.

I had an editor once who said everyone is motivated by one of three things,

Sex, power, money. In social groups it is probably power. Everybody has their

own agenda and it doesn't sound like you value theirs. When you say that the

reality is you recognized it as a good thing are these people you even like or

want to be around? Who cares if she is like nada, you don't like her, you just

think you do.

Need help calming down

Dear Fellow KOs,

I was heavily restimulated yesterday. Someone who'd taken an immediate

disliking to me when we met not long ago (which has happened many times in

my life) played an important role in some people choosing not to work with

me anymore. I immediately knew that this resembled my FOO experience.

Within five hours, I had gone through the entire initial cycle of

(partial) denial and isolation (I quickly did some prayer and meditation,

and called friends), anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, the

same cycle of the stages of death. I understood that something (an

opportunity to do something I liked) had died. I know it may be a good

thing and I immediately recognized some good in it, such as more time to

do other things! I spent hours reading humorous things and doing other

good things, such as reading (and replying to a few of) your great posts,

to distract myself from the strength of my feelings until I calmed down

enough to go to sleep.

Friends have encouraged me to share even more about this kind of thing.

The part I'd like your feedback and validation about is that person.

She's vivacious, pretty, intelligent, quick-talking and sociable, and I

believe she has some NPD. At the least, she influenced others against me

(in other words, smeared me, like my BPD nada has done all my life). At

the most, she engineered my removal. I know I can say about all of them

to myself, " Good riddance! " My fear is the deep restimulation and renewal

of feelings of hopelessness and helplessness now and in the days ahead,

like I've endured about my FOO. I know I have to, but I don't want to

deal with it ( " I don' wanna! I don' wanna! Waaaaaaa! " ). What I'd like

is a little pep talk. Remind me that this, too, shall pass, these things

happen all the time, even though I'm the odd one out (again) that I'm not

a bad odd, etc.

Naturally, part of me wants to get in their, especially her, face and tell

them to go _____ themselves. Part of me wants to calmly, confidently and

firmly tell them, " You made a big mistake. Your loss. Bye. " I could use

some support in continuing to calm down from this latest brush with

inappropriate behavior. Thanks. Have a great day!

One Non-BP Recovering Man

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

This is Kathleen again. If the first one went through, I wrote it because I am

avoiding your question. You've handled the first part of your dilemma fine, you

know how to get through that part. This is the one you want help with--- " My

fear is the deep restimulation and renewal

of feelings of hopelessness and helplessness now and in the days ahead,

like I've endured about my FOO. "

This is a tough one. I will be getting help for it too I hope. I've changed

jobs and moved a lot because I haven't learned to handle it. I am very

uncomfortable with people who seem judgemental and unfriendly. People know what

will bother you, what will hurt. What I don't understand is why they have to

use it. Sometimes it seems like people have not matured or advanced much since

we were barbarians in Saxony or where ever. The bullying that goes on in

schools---these kids learn it from their parents who work in offices. When

someone insults my son he gives back as good as he gets. I've done that and

regretted it. That poor innocent old lady. I have also known him to set out to

charm the person who didn't like him until they were friends, but this isn't

real good either. He ended up playing golf every Saturday with someone he

didn't like.

Okay, okay. Hopelessness and helplessness. I don't know what to do except to

endure it and then to avoid what has caused me pain. Do the things you've done.

Friends are the best. The internet is a friend. If you can afford it or live

in the right place, get a pet--dog, cat, pirhanna.

I don't like those feelings either. The good part is that they usually don't

hang around any longer than those false friends do. I have to say though that

sometimes you have more friends than you know who are sympathetic to your cause.

The problem is that the ones like the girl are more visible and verbal and you

think she represents everyone. You may find she doesn't represent anyone at all

and everyone else is waiting for her to leave the premises so they can get to

know you better. Wait it out a bit and see what happens and tell nada to scram.

Need help calming down

Dear Fellow KOs,

I was heavily restimulated yesterday. Someone who'd taken an immediate

disliking to me when we met not long ago (which has happened many times in

my life) played an important role in some people choosing not to work with

me anymore. I immediately knew that this resembled my FOO experience.

Within five hours, I had gone through the entire initial cycle of

(partial) denial and isolation (I quickly did some prayer and meditation,

and called friends), anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, the

same cycle of the stages of death. I understood that something (an

opportunity to do something I liked) had died. I know it may be a good

thing and I immediately recognized some good in it, such as more time to

do other things! I spent hours reading humorous things and doing other

good things, such as reading (and replying to a few of) your great posts,

to distract myself from the strength of my feelings until I calmed down

enough to go to sleep.

Friends have encouraged me to share even more about this kind of thing.

The part I'd like your feedback and validation about is that person.

She's vivacious, pretty, intelligent, quick-talking and sociable, and I

believe she has some NPD. At the least, she influenced others against me

(in other words, smeared me, like my BPD nada has done all my life). At

the most, she engineered my removal. I know I can say about all of them

to myself, " Good riddance! " My fear is the deep restimulation and renewal

of feelings of hopelessness and helplessness now and in the days ahead,

like I've endured about my FOO. I know I have to, but I don't want to

deal with it ( " I don' wanna! I don' wanna! Waaaaaaa! " ). What I'd like

is a little pep talk. Remind me that this, too, shall pass, these things

happen all the time, even though I'm the odd one out (again) that I'm not

a bad odd, etc.

Naturally, part of me wants to get in their, especially her, face and tell

them to go _____ themselves. Part of me wants to calmly, confidently and

firmly tell them, " You made a big mistake. Your loss. Bye. " I could use

some support in continuing to calm down from this latest brush with

inappropriate behavior. Thanks. Have a great day!

One Non-BP Recovering Man

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Ick, what a crappy situation. Sounds like you handled it quite well actually!

Without knowing more details I can pretty safely say that the world is full of

people climbing over the backs of others for their own gain and profit. I would

try not to take it personally. She obviously saw you as a threat in some way,

which could be taken as a compliment! Just make sure you arent walking away

from something that should be rectified by standing up for yourself! You deserve

it!

BUtifulGrace

Recovering Non-BP wrote: Dear Fellow KOs,

I was heavily restimulated yesterday. Someone who’d taken an immediate

disliking to me when we met not long ago (which has happened many times in

my life) played an important role in some people choosing not to work with

me anymore. I immediately knew that this resembled my FOO experience.

Within five hours, I had gone through the entire initial cycle of

(partial) denial and isolation (I quickly did some prayer and meditation,

and called friends), anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, the

same cycle of the stages of death. I understood that something (an

opportunity to do something I liked) had died. I know it may be a good

thing and I immediately recognized some good in it, such as more time to

do other things! I spent hours reading humorous things and doing other

good things, such as reading (and replying to a few of) your great posts,

to distract myself from the strength of my feelings until I calmed down

enough to go to sleep.

Friends have encouraged me to share even more about this kind of thing.

The part I’d like your feedback and validation about is that person.

She’s vivacious, pretty, intelligent, quick-talking and sociable, and I

believe she has some NPD. At the least, she influenced others against me

(in other words, smeared me, like my BPD nada has done all my life). At

the most, she engineered my removal. I know I can say about all of them

to myself, “Good riddance!” My fear is the deep restimulation and renewal

of feelings of hopelessness and helplessness now and in the days ahead,

like I’ve endured about my FOO. I know I have to, but I don’t want to

deal with it (“I don’ wanna! I don’ wanna! Waaaaaaa!”). What I’d like

is a little pep talk. Remind me that this, too, shall pass, these things

happen all the time, even though I’m the odd one out (again) that I’m not

a bad odd, etc.

Naturally, part of me wants to get in their, especially her, face and tell

them to go _____ themselves. Part of me wants to calmly, confidently and

firmly tell them, “You made a big mistake. Your loss. Bye.” I could use

some support in continuing to calm down from this latest brush with

inappropriate behavior. Thanks. Have a great day!

One Non-BP Recovering Man

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Aw, Non-BP,

I've had some similar situations, mostly with interpersonal stuff (ie, not

work-related), but similar. It's a crappy way to feel, and I'm sorry it happened

to you.

You are right of course, this WILL pass. You've been such a help to me (and

other people) on this board, and you are such a kind, positive presence here,

that I KNOW for a fact it has to be " their loss. " The whole trick, as you know,

is being able to feeeeel like it's " their loss " instead of experiencing some

similar feelings that we felt in our FOOs, when we were rejected or

disrespected. Ugh.

In our FOOs, for many of us, to be rejected on ANY level was the same as being

UTTERLY rejected. What a crappy way to be treated, and it's human nature to feel

bad in these situations...but especially so, when we have been ***trained*** to

experience rejection so deeply.

Meanwhile, though, while we're WAITING for these things to pass, I know what you

mean about wanting to find ways to calm down. I end up feeling very agitated.

When these type of things happen to me, one of my coping strategies is to step

back (temporarily) from my emotions, and look at the thing as...rationally,

unemotionally as I can, as if it had happened to a character in a book, you

know?

I think to myself, how would I view the situation, if I weren't deeply a part of

it? Usually my reactions are much different as an " outsider " than an

" insider " ...Once I have reassessed and reframed it in this way, THEN I try to go

back and deal with my emotions. Once I have that second, more dispassionate view

of things in my mind, usually my emotions will settle down some.

This is all kinda abstract, I hope I'm describing it ok. Say, in this current

situation, I would think things like, " Every person in the world has had the

experience of meeting someone who didn't like them, and who sabotaged them with

no reason. What a crappy, unfair thing that is! That person (the " imaginary book

character " ) probably feels bad, and rejected, and disappointed, and wondering

if there's something wrong with him, and wondering why this had to happen to

him, and wondering why this crappy person chose to sabotage him. Especially cuz

he had that difficult FOO that messed with his mind growing up. But there's

nothing wrong with him. Everyone experiences that sometimes. He has these good

qualities: A, B, C, D, E... It's too bad he lost that work, but here's the plus

side: X, Y, Z. It IS their loss. "

It's like, once I have that alernative narrative firmly in my head, I can

usually revisit my emotions and settle myself somewhat. Hope this helps, and if

it doesn't, well... I do care, anyways, and I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

Best,

Flea

---------------------------------

Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. PC-to-Phone calls for ridiculously low rates.

[Guest guest]

((((Non-BP Recovering Man)))

You are not the odd man out. You have simply encountered once again someone in

your

life who creates chaos and has targeted you. (I got the " creating chaos " from

people of the

lie and think it fits this type person.) It is understandable that this would

bring up old

feeling about your FOO. I really see recovery/healing as a journey with ups

and downs,

hills and valleys, beautiful views, and lots off rocks and mud puddles. But the

other image

that helps me is off a funnel. When you start, you go around through all the

emotions -

rage, grief, " why me " etc. one by one and it seems like it will never end. But

as you move

up the funnel, the times when you are dealing with the hard stuff become further

apart,

separated by the good stuff of the new life you are building. And this

continues on and

on. I don't know if you ever launch yourself completely out of the funnel, it

hasn't

happened to me yet anyway, but the bad stuff dissapates as you move on and the

good

stuff fills in. Some kind of weird centrifical force I guess. Unfortunately

life events can

shove you around into a feeling you weren't expecting, but if you use the tools

you have

learned, you can get through it and continue the journey. You have the tools

you need.

You can get through this. And I can tell you realize this. I am also a big

proponent of a

few choice curse words and an acknowledgement of how much it sucks as you once

again

pull out your tool box and start your repairs. The good part - each time the

repair is

quicker and less painful, though as in plumbing repairs, it still stinks.

I hope you are feeling better today - I wanted to get to this last night, but

was dead on my

feet. Three kids, a new plastic sprinkler, tons of sun screen, rain boots and

rain coats (not

sure why we needed those), and all the clean up and laundry we generated wore me

out. I

hope the weather is nice where you are, and you have a chance to get out and

enjoy it.

There is just something about the warm sun and a nice cool breeze that soothes

the soul.

fresabird

>

> Dear Fellow KOs,

>

> I was heavily restimulated yesterday. Someone who'd taken an immediate

> disliking to me when we met not long ago (which has happened many times in

> my life) played an important role in some people choosing not to work with

> me anymore. I immediately knew that this resembled my FOO experience.

> Within five hours, I had gone through the entire initial cycle of

> (partial) denial and isolation (I quickly did some prayer and meditation,

> and called friends), anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, the

> same cycle of the stages of death. I understood that something (an

> opportunity to do something I liked) had died. I know it may be a good

> thing and I immediately recognized some good in it, such as more time to

> do other things! I spent hours reading humorous things and doing other

> good things, such as reading (and replying to a few of) your great posts,

> to distract myself from the strength of my feelings until I calmed down

> enough to go to sleep.

>

> Friends have encouraged me to share even more about this kind of thing.

> The part I'd like your feedback and validation about is that person.

> She's vivacious, pretty, intelligent, quick-talking and sociable, and I

> believe she has some NPD. At the least, she influenced others against me

> (in other words, smeared me, like my BPD nada has done all my life). At

> the most, she engineered my removal. I know I can say about all of them

> to myself, " Good riddance! " My fear is the deep restimulation and renewal

> of feelings of hopelessness and helplessness now and in the days ahead,

> like I've endured about my FOO. I know I have to, but I don't want to

> deal with it ( " I don' wanna! I don' wanna! Waaaaaaa! " ). What I'd like

> is a little pep talk. Remind me that this, too, shall pass, these things

> happen all the time, even though I'm the odd one out (again) that I'm not

> a bad odd, etc.

>

> Naturally, part of me wants to get in their, especially her, face and tell

> them to go _____ themselves. Part of me wants to calmly, confidently and

> firmly tell them, " You made a big mistake. Your loss. Bye. " I could use

> some support in continuing to calm down from this latest brush with

> inappropriate behavior. Thanks. Have a great day!

>

> One Non-BP Recovering Man

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Non-

I just came across your post (pretty late I know) and

am so sorry that you’re having to deal with this BS;

equally sorry that it prevented you from doing

something you would have enjoyed. It’s the grown up

version of that famous childhood scene where you end

up picked last for the team because the other kids

think you’re weird and some sort of liability. I

remember the “vivacious, pretty, intelligent,

quick-talking and sociable” ones inciting others

against me and how much it hurt to be shut out...how

in combination with the way FOO reacted to me, it

could leave me feeling as though I had no redeeming

quality. When things like that happen to me now, it

can leave me replaying it a thousand times in my head

and questioning if there is something inherently wrong

with me...scarlet letter on my forehead, booger

hanging out of my nose, what??? Then I remind myself

that maybe these aren’t people that I want to be

around if they are so easily led/quick to think badly

of me. There are other places I can go and plenty of

people out there who will be able to appreciate the

talents and qualities I bring with me. Miss Thing and

her posse have lost out to be sure, and it’s better

that you should know what kind of people you would be

working with up front than to find knives in your back

later. Keep breathing deeply and focus on your good

qualities. Can’t think of any right now? I’ll give

you a few of my observations then...you have a great

capacity for thinking things through and analyzing

what they mean; you have used your pain as an

opportunity to learn and improve yourself (others

would not have the courage to do this and they live in

denial); you have a generous and gentle spirit.

I’m sure that someone has already said something

similar and I’ve not caught up to that post yet...once

I do, I’ll find that I didn’t say it as well as

someone else has. But it comes ‘straight from the

heart, yo’

Sakura

[Guest guest]

Sakura, et al,

Thank you for your post. What you said about feeling shut out like

you have a boogar hanging out of your nose - or worse, because you

are some kind of undesirable weirdo - - I know that feeling all too

well. It's a hundrend times worse when it comes from your own FOO.

And I thank GOD that it isn't all of the time. I have my confident,

stable moments. But all it takes is even the THOUGHT of talking to

nada or one of my siblings to make me need an emotional motion

sickness blocker.

So often, when I am being belittled or if there is out-and-out rage

against me or my ideas, I begin second-guessing everything I thought

was reasonable and feel that I must be the one that is unstable.

But I thank God, again, everyday for my wonderful husband (who had

been my best friend for 10 years before I realized that the reason

no other relationship ever worked out was because I was in love with

him...) - - but he keeps me stable and informed that it is not me,

but is them.

My most recent struggle has been my brother who isn't speaking to me

because I supposedly disrespected his wife. She sent a massive e-

mail to everyone in her address book about how you'll blow up if you

pump gas and your cell phone rings. It, of course, cited several

occasions that this had happened. While it is true that

theoretically it could happen (and therefore Motorola warns against

it) - the supposed instances can not be verified as ever happening

and even in that same claim by Motorola it admits that it hasn't

happened, but only that on paper it could.

So, I replied with an article that articulated these points

exactly. Now I'm the biggest naughty-b-word that ever lived and I

have been removed from " neice updates " and have had nothing but

silence from him and his wife about it even though I apologized to

both he and his wife and offered to publicly apologize since I

had " publicly " humiliated her - - inadvertantly.

All of you seem to be level-headed, reasonable people. Everyone who

knows me that I am the biggest skeptic and always get the deeper

story on everything - particularly e-mail forwards. Tell me where I

was right and where I was wrong. My intention to appear " know-it-

all-ish " or have any sort of malicious intent couldn't be farther

from the truth. Of course there was a reply from nada (for whom my

SIL walks on water and my bro isn't far behind her...) - but I

didn't really care because it was just one more thing from her.

>

> Non-

>

> I just came across your post (pretty late I know) and

> am so sorry that you're having to deal with this BS;

> equally sorry that it prevented you from doing

> something you would have enjoyed. It's the grown up

> version of that famous childhood scene where you end

> up picked last for the team because the other kids

> think you're weird and some sort of liability. I

> remember the " vivacious, pretty, intelligent,

> quick-talking and sociable " ones inciting others

> against me and how much it hurt to be shut out...how

> in combination with the way FOO reacted to me, it

> could leave me feeling as though I had no redeeming

> quality. When things like that happen to me now, it

> can leave me replaying it a thousand times in my head

> and questioning if there is something inherently wrong

> with me...scarlet letter on my forehead, booger

> hanging out of my nose, what??? Then I remind myself

> that maybe these aren't people that I want to be

> around if they are so easily led/quick to think badly

> of me. There are other places I can go and plenty of

> people out there who will be able to appreciate the

> talents and qualities I bring with me. Miss Thing and

> her posse have lost out to be sure, and it's better

> that you should know what kind of people you would be

> working with up front than to find knives in your back

> later. Keep breathing deeply and focus on your good

> qualities. Can't think of any right now? I'll give

> you a few of my observations then...you have a great

> capacity for thinking things through and analyzing

> what they mean; you have used your pain as an

> opportunity to learn and improve yourself (others

> would not have the courage to do this and they live in

> denial); you have a generous and gentle spirit.

>

> I'm sure that someone has already said something

> similar and I've not caught up to that post yet...once

> I do, I'll find that I didn't say it as well as

> someone else has. But it comes `straight from the

> heart, yo'

>

> Sakura

>

[Guest guest]

Sakura,

Oh boy do I identify with your experience. I was told I was ugly

and stupid and unlovable by my mother and then I got picked on

horribly at school by the other kids. Some were nice to me, but

then the queen bees really organized some nasty campaigns against

me...

I do feel like I have a huge " No self confidence " sign on my

forehead. Just looking at how my husband and I are treated by sales

people in stores. He gets good service and I get terrible service--

I guess I give up vibes that I won't complain or stand up for myself.

When it comes to dealing with the childhood pain and trying to

understand that I can have friends as an adult, I really had to

divorce myself from stereotypes. One of my closest friends now was

a pretty, athletic decently popular student--but I didn't know her

then. Probably had we met as teens we wouldn't have been friends,

but then again, all my friends when I was a teen had dysfunctional

homes. They were all kids of alcoholics or parents with mental

health issues, etc. Many of those old friends I had to let go,

because I'm committed to getting better, and unfortunately a lot of

them continued on very self destructive paths, like addiction. I

bailed them out many times and then finally had to let it go and

understand I couldn't save them.

Another thing I came to realize is that while I don't have to

forgive the kids who were mean to me back in school if I don't want

to, I do understand that we were all dealing with our own issues and

processing them through immature brains.

I was playing out a role I understood of being rejected and picked

on, because that's what I had at home. So I never demanded respect

for myself. Not that maybe it would have made a difference.

One girl who was just relentless in her torment of me--well I had a

chance to see her mother and I saw where she picked up the bullying

from. Her mother was just evil to everyone, the teachers, other

students, likely a Queen/Witch BPD and little miss bully was her

painted-white princess. I don't know if that girl ever changed her

ways or is still a bully today, that's not the important thing. The

thing was that I realized her own dysfunctional home turned her into

a monster and that it was never really about me.

The other kids were immature and went along with things out of fear

that they might become the target or because their compassion wasn't

developed yet, or whatever... It's not really my job to figure out

what was wrong with them.

But my job is to keep telling myself that it isn't about me and that

I'm doing fine. And also I'm trying to work on my very passive and

meek presentation a little, so I won't always seem like a push

over. Sometimes just appearing as someone who won't stand up for

herself might be attracting bullies to me.

But you have such a good point--if someone shows their true colors

by being nasty to us, then it's a gift to know they aren't worth our

time. We KOs have a tendency to take other people's issues onto

ourselves, so we need to force ourselves to put it back where they

belong. If someone mistreats you, it reflects badly on them, not on

you.