I'm telling

[Guest guest]

No, we really never did this as kids, threaten to tell on one another.

My sisters and I were raised as competitors, one held up to the other

for comparison, and each was found lacking. Not in direct words, we

weren't subject to rages, in fact any anger was a bad thing and to be

avoided. Anyhow, my oldest sister was the black sheep, all her life.

Our mother rejected her when she felt it was apparent my sister would

reject her due to a new religion. 20 years have gone by with nothing

good, mother getting in the mix with my niece as she has had trouble

with my sis. A mess. My sister has broken my faith before by telling

secrets to family members, big ones, personal things I didn't want

shared. I love her but don't trust her much.

Anyway, my sister had a stroke. My mother called me in tears (my poor

baby) and immediately left her Florida winter home to go care for my

sister. My sister is not all there at times, but is also likely

enjoying this attention, believe me she deserves some, if it were

healthy lol. Anyway, she knows I'm working on BPD stuff, knows I'm

trying to set boundaries etc, knows I'm processing the past in big

ways. Last we spoke she said " but you're so angry with mom " and I said

um, no I'm not actually. I'm just working things through. I don't wake

up mad, I don't yell, grit my teeth, any of that. I tried to explain

it, but who knows.

I've been pretty LC with my mother, in large part because she's like

that anyway, with the occasional rambling e-mail all about her, but

also because my marriage is falling apart from all these same issues

and I'm trying to stay under the radar in the mess with my sister. My

other sister has been direct, telling mother to stop giving her info,

as she is in direct contact with our sick sister. Mother was sending

us updates on how very ill sister is and what we should do about it...

after 20 years of almost NC between those two, it's a bit much to

take. Anyway, my mother was acting hurt that I've not called, and the

call on mothers day was treated like " oh hearing from you is all the

gift I need " and then there's been nothing. She just sent me some

pictures she did for me (I asked) with no note etc, so I sent a thank

you e-mail and got nothing back. Now I know my sister's told her

something about me being angry etc, and I can't get into it without,

well, getting into it. But I can hear all the crap being said about me

behind my back, cause I've always heard it about the others anyway, we

all know. I guess I need to just stay under the radar, but I'm going

up there to FOO-land this summer and I'm already a wreck about how to

handle it all. I can't help but feel rejected and upset, even though I

know I want the NC/LC in the first place. Guess I need more help

letting go and really meaning it?

Thanks for reading the rambling,

Liesl