Re: Will our hearts always ache?

[Guest guest]

I wanted to say I posted this and then as I read the rest of the

posts ...I do believe a part of our heart's will always ache.

I was sad from spending time with my parents. It just hurts being

with such negative people and feeling so unimportant to them. I was

so important when I wrapped my life around theirs, and constantly

served them. It is very weird and empty feeling knowing you are

valued for how well you serve your parents.

So why would our hearts not ache, many of us were robbed of our

childhoods and robbed of loving supportive parents who could not love

us uncondtionally.

Sometimes we do answer are own questions!

Malinda

>

> Do we blame it all on our childhoods? Here I sit so sad, with a

huge

> lump in my throat holding back the tears. It just hurts some times

so

> badly and I don't even know why?

>

> I did just spend time with nada and fada....and there were moments

I

> wanted to scream, because of the intensity and the negativity. So I

> made a boundary and left.

>

> I go to therapy regularly, take the prozac, read the healthy books,

> and yet this void is still there.

>

> They will truly never get the heartaches of my childhood,

adolscence

> and adulthood and how it has affected so many of my choices,

> decisions, outcomes and feelings.

>

> I want to say it is one particular thing, I can pinpoint this on,

it

> is just the wearing down on my soul, I know better, but sometimes

the

> hurt and the pain are two feelings I can always count on being

there

> for me. That at times just sucks.

>

> Thanks for letting me vent.

>

> Tomorrow brings a new day and new hope for all of us.

>

> Blessings,

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

I was sad from spending time with my parents. It just hurts being

> with such negative people and feeling so unimportant to them. I was

> so important when I wrapped my life around theirs, and constantly

> served them. It is very weird and empty feeling knowing you are

> valued for how well you serve your parents.

Malinda, what you wrote above is exactly, exactly what breaks my heart

the most with my screwed up family. " To serve " has been the only way

to feel important to them for me too. Reminds me of that old cliche

about how women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex.

Even now at 40, sometimes there's a moment when talking to my nada

where she'll reveal in horrible clarity that no, she really really

doesn't care about me at all. And it hurts like knowing it again for

the first time even though I've always known.

julie

[Guest guest]

And you know what? I think this is why I don't understand love. My

whole life I've been hearing " I love you " from someone who laughs at

my pain, someone who would actively find ways to keep me from enjoying

myself as a child. Accuse me of doing drugs because I was getting out

and socializing. Refuse to drive me anywhere over the summer, so I

would be stuck at home near her but not with her. Not let me go

tubing at 18, because I might die. Not care when I'm hurt. Yet my

whole life saying but not SHOWING " I love you. "

And don't even get me started on how it has messed with my head to

have to say it back for 36 years.

I think this is why, around 11, I started to listen to Air Supply and

my heart would ache so much for romantic love. It was like, some day,

someone might say I love you and I might actually FEEL it from them.

-Deanna

>

> I was sad from spending time with my parents. It just hurts being

> > with such negative people and feeling so unimportant to them. I was

> > so important when I wrapped my life around theirs, and constantly

> > served them. It is very weird and empty feeling knowing you are

> > valued for how well you serve your parents.

>

> Malinda, what you wrote above is exactly, exactly what breaks my heart

> the most with my screwed up family. " To serve " has been the only way

> to feel important to them for me too. Reminds me of that old cliche

> about how women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex.

> Even now at 40, sometimes there's a moment when talking to my nada

> where she'll reveal in horrible clarity that no, she really really

> doesn't care about me at all. And it hurts like knowing it again for

> the first time even though I've always known.

>

> julie

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my goodness, I just found this thread, and these posts are so

like what I feel.

You guys have described my situation perfectly -- it is so

comforting to have someone else to go through it with.

My parents only want me around to shine " loving " light on them -- to

validate THEM. However, that light doesn't seem to shine the other

way. They don't believe in expending effort toward a relationship

with me and my family. It's all one-way.

You guys on this thread have worded it perfectly.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> I was sad from spending time with my parents. It just hurts being

> > with such negative people and feeling so unimportant to them. I

was

> > so important when I wrapped my life around theirs, and

constantly

> > served them. It is very weird and empty feeling knowing you are

> > valued for how well you serve your parents.

>

> Malinda, what you wrote above is exactly, exactly what breaks my

heart

> the most with my screwed up family. " To serve " has been the only

way

> to feel important to them for me too. Reminds me of that old

cliche

> about how women give sex to get love and men give love to get

sex.

> Even now at 40, sometimes there's a moment when talking to my nada

> where she'll reveal in horrible clarity that no, she really really

> doesn't care about me at all. And it hurts like knowing it again

for

> the first time even though I've always known.

>

> julie

>

[Guest guest]

These words have really opened my eyes to something which I thought I

got on an intellectual level, but had never understood emotionally -

the extent to which I was really a " parentified " child. I was

supposed to always serve too - to never blame, to never get angry, to

constantly forgive, to console, to tell them that no matter what they

had done it was fixable. I was supposed to tell my mother that of

course her job was still safe and it didn't matter that she had

arguments with the boss, or that it didn't matter that her bills

weren't paid, or that even if her house wasn't as big as her sister's

her life was still better...Of course this was only one-way, I was

frequently told " I will never forgive you if ___ " (fill in the blank

with dating the wrong person, not dating anyone, pursuing a career not

of my mother's choosing, etc.)

So this has of course done me a lot of damage over the years. I've

repaired a lot of it when it comes to feeling responsible for most

people and even my siblings, but it's still pretty strong when it

comes to my parents. Because when I want to tell my mother that I am

angry, this is what comes up...these feelings of total sadness that I

would have to tell someone that they can't go back, that it can't be

fixed, that their actions have consequences. And now as she gets

older she uses this as well to try to not be held responsible.

I realized tonight, holding my baby, that the only person that I owe

this kind of love too is my own child. I will teach him that he is

loved no matter what he does, that it is possible to put mistakes

right, and that there is always hope ahead. Because as a child this is

what he deserves to learn.

I have always read but never really understood that KOs will need to

grieve a lost childhood. But now I see how sad it is that I spent

close to 30 years being parent to my own parents, and never had

someone to truly parent me.

Yes, I think our hearts may always ache a little.

Sara

>

> I was sad from spending time with my parents. It just hurts being

> > with such negative people and feeling so unimportant to them. I

was

> > so important when I wrapped my life around theirs, and constantly

> > served them. It is very weird and empty feeling knowing you are

> > valued for how well you serve your parents.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sara, what a beautiful way to put what so many of us feel. You have a

way with words! It's one thing to read " parentified child " and another

to realize, deep in your guts, what an inversion of proper upbringing

you were truly subjected to. Your post almost made me cry, it touched

sucha deep, sad nerve. But I have to believe, and my heart tells me,

that we are all connected to something greater, that we can call on to

parent us each day. Call it God, or a belief in the world, or human

connectedness, but we are all equally a part of it no matter how badly

our childhoods failed us.

It was given when we were born, and cannot be taken away by our

parents' (or anyone's) actions.

Love always,

Vi

> >

> > I was sad from spending time with my parents. It just hurts being

> > > with such negative people and feeling so unimportant to them. I

> was

> > > so important when I wrapped my life around theirs, and constantly

> > > served them. It is very weird and empty feeling knowing you are

> > > valued for how well you serve your parents.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hugs for your heart, Sara. You know how much you mean to me. -Leslye

vshek_2007 wrote: Sara, what a beautiful way to

put what so many of us feel. You have a

way with words! It's one thing to read " parentified child " and another

to realize, deep in your guts, what an inversion of proper upbringing

you were truly subjected to. Your post almost made me cry, it touched

sucha deep, sad nerve. But I have to believe, and my heart tells me,

that we are all connected to something greater, that we can call on to

parent us each day. Call it God, or a belief in the world, or human

connectedness, but we are all equally a part of it no matter how badly

our childhoods failed us.

It was given when we were born, and cannot be taken away by our

parents' (or anyone's) actions.

Love always,

Vi

> >

> > I was sad from spending time with my parents. It just hurts being

> > > with such negative people and feeling so unimportant to them. I

> was

> > > so important when I wrapped my life around theirs, and constantly

> > > served them. It is very weird and empty feeling knowing you are

> > > valued for how well you serve your parents.

> >

> >

>

---------------------------------

No need to miss a message. Get email on-the-go

with Yahoo! Mail for Mobile. Get started.

[Guest guest]

Sara Sage,indeed you speak to me too. This idea that we as the

children were to always forgive and never even show we've been hurt,

while they the parents can hold a grudge forever and hold their pain

over us like a condemnation really hits the point. Thank you for

sharing that because I hadn't thought about how much, always, KO's

have been expected to forgive without even an apology. Your son is

very lucky.

julie