Re: Letting go of resentments

[Guest guest]

Thanks, CJ, for the extract from Melodie Beattie's book.

Since I'm not much of a book reader myself these days, may I pick your

brains and book-reading knowledge and ask if you know whether this book

of Melodie Beattie's has any Aspie slant to it or not?

I ask this to try and ascertain whether or not she would have any

inkling of the Aspie stubbornness that I believe most of us here on this

list are well aware of.

The problem I have with this extract is that she makes it sound as if

turning resentments off is just as easy as flicking a light switch. She

talks about " why " they should be turned off, but very little about

" how " .

Also, from my point of view, she fails to take into consideration the

nature of resentments. Are they based purely on personal feelings,

or have real injustices been committed that need reparation by the

perpetrator? I'd say these greatly affect the options for dealing

with resentments. They could range from graciously accepting an " I'm

sorry and won't do it again " statement, to taking the perpetrator to

court or even hiring an assassin!

It's interesting to have Melodie Beattie's take on it, but I don't think

any of these answers can be written in stone, do you?

------

> From January 20 in Melodie Beattie's book " The Language of Letting Go " :

>

>

> " Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from LOVING OURSELVES and

> others. Resentments do not punish the other person; they punish us.

> They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. They prevent us

> from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks

> of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.

>

> Letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person to do

> anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened

> in the past, and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of

> resentments and still have boundaries!

>

> We try to see the good in the person, or the good ultimately evolved

> from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to see our part.

>

> Then we put the incident to rest.

>

> Praying for those we resent helps. Asking God (or a Higher Power) to

> take our resentments from us helps, too.

>

> What better way to begin a new year than by cleaning the slate of the

> past and entering this one free of resentments?

>

> My prayer for today: " Help me become ready to let go of any resentments

> that are hidden within me, and blocking me to the surface. Show me what

> I need to do to take care of myself by letting go of resentments, and

> then help me do that. "

>

>

> Enjoy,

> ~CJ

[Guest guest]

Beattie's audience isn't really relevant, IMO. This is generic advice

regarding letting go of resentments that can apply to all, Aspies included.

Your comment about Aspies and stubbornness may be true for you.

However, it's not true for all of us Aspies. Our temperaments are just

as varied as the NT population.

I have a lot of thoughts about why people often hold onto stubbornness

and resentment and how it serves them to do so. However, right now I

can't find a way to express these thoughts in a manner that are

appropriate for sharing here.

The mechanics of how you go about letting go of resentments is probably

not something that we can help you with here, as we don't know you well.

And no book can explain that to you, whether written for the Aspie

community or not. Although a qualified therapist or coach can provide

some ideas, should you get stuck along the way. I know what works for

me, yet I am not you.

Despite all of the ideas and conventional wisdom (of what has been known

to work) that has been shared with you here, I do get a sense that you

like to find exceptions as to why your situation is somehow different

and not applicable to the suggestions of both members and authorities in

the field. It's a resistance theme that reoccurs throughout your posts.

Maybe I'm reading your posts incorrectly though. All I can say is that

I have arrived at a point where I have nothing new to offer you in the

time I have available.

Wishing you luck....

~CJ

Eyre wrote:

> Thanks, CJ, for the extract from Melodie Beattie's book.

>

> Since I'm not much of a book reader myself these days, may I pick your

> brains and book-reading knowledge and ask if you know whether this book

> of Melodie Beattie's has any Aspie slant to it or not?

>

> I ask this to try and ascertain whether or not she would have any

> inkling of the Aspie stubbornness that I believe most of us here on this

> list are well aware of.

>

> The problem I have with this extract is that she makes it sound as if

> turning resentments off is just as easy as flicking a light switch. She

> talks about " why " they should be turned off, but very little about

> " how " .

>

> Also, from my point of view, she fails to take into consideration the

> nature of resentments. Are they based purely on personal feelings,

> or have real injustices been committed that need reparation by the

> perpetrator? I'd say these greatly affect the options for dealing

> with resentments. They could range from graciously accepting an " I'm

> sorry and won't do it again " statement, to taking the perpetrator to

> court or even hiring an assassin!

>

> It's interesting to have Melodie Beattie's take on it, but I don't think

> any of these answers can be written in stone, do you?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I would like, if I may, to clarify and make a few comments on CJ's

latest posting even though she has said she has nothing new to offer me

in the time available.

> Beattie's audience isn't really relevant, IMO. This is generic advice

> regarding letting go of resentments that can apply to all, Aspies included.

I had really meant to ask about Melodie Beatty herself and her own

knowledge and slant towards Aspies. I ask this because I'm not

convinced that generic advice, particularly on issues like this where

Aspies are known to have their differences, will necessarily be

applicable for all Aspies. Yes, it can work for some, but not all.

> Your comment about Aspies and stubbornness may be true for you.

> However, it's not true for all of us Aspies. Our temperaments are just

> as varied as the NT population.

But there are some common characteristics that are much more prevalent

in Aspies, and " Substantial hidden self-anger, anger towards others,

and resentment " is one that has been used to contribute towards a

diagnosis. I refer to " Asperger's Syndrome Characteristics "

by Meyer under his Cognitive Characteristics category.

http://www.rogernmeyer.com/adult_acts_and_consequences_as_characteristics.html

> I have a lot of thoughts about why people often hold onto stubbornness

> and resentment and how it serves them to do so. However, right now I

> can't find a way to express these thoughts in a manner that are

> appropriate for sharing here.

Yes, as this is an open forum, it may not be a suitable place for

getting too deeply into personal issues. I know I can't really explain

my issues in sufficent detail here to expect people to understand them.

We can only talk about generalities, so individual cases may not

always conform to them.

> The mechanics of how you go about letting go of resentments is probably

> not something that we can help you with here, as we don't know you well.

I don't think I've actually said on here that I *want* to let go, have

I? In my case it's resolution of the original problem that I seek,

not forgiving or letting go.

> And no book can explain that to you, whether written for the Aspie

> community or not. Although a qualified therapist or coach can provide

> some ideas, should you get stuck along the way. I know what works for

> me, yet I am not you.

Since I don't have a settled home, I move around and spend most of my

time in Thailand, I don't have the luxury of a professional therapist

or coach available. However, I've found talking to other Aspies

on-line does help, so that's what's tempted me to dabble with the issues

here in Aspires.

> Despite all of the ideas and conventional wisdom (of what has been known

> to work) that has been shared with you here, I do get a sense that you

> like to find exceptions as to why your situation is somehow different

> and not applicable to the suggestions of both members and authorities in

> the field. It's a resistance theme that reoccurs throughout your posts.

Well it's not a matter of " liking " to find exceptions. If I compare my

issues to some suggested generalities and find they don't fit, then

those generalities simply don't apply in my case. I can't see the

point in anyone trying to follow a misfitting general recommendation.

Much more sensible to move on and look for some other generality that

fits better, surely? But yes, without going into confidential

personal matters to explain issues in detail, which we can't really do

here, it's going to be trial and error, hit and miss some of the time.

My thanks to all those who have had the patience to follow this thread

so far. My next step is to try and answer the list of very pertinent

questions that Ron H has so kindly compiled, and we'll see where we go

from there.

+

[Guest guest]

Hi and all,

if I may pipe up here, it *is* my experience that more AS in general hold on to

resentments than do non spectrum folks. But we do have our reasons! Now, non

spectrum folks have their own foibles too. For example, to me, their amazing

ability to flip-flop on an issue, often within two days or less, is exasperating

to me .. but, vive la difference.

I have always understood intellectually that resentment is not helpful, and for

most of my life, I was free of resentment, until relatively recently.

I believe resentment is generally visited upon mature folks; I think it's rarer

in people under age 40. Before age 40, we are still in the territory of future

possibilities.

After age 40, something barely perceptible starts to happen. Life, and success,

starts to *feel* trickier as certain limitations, such as health and economic

factors, begin to creep in. As each year ticks by, this feeling becomes more

acute. August rolls by, you are now into September and ... there is a certain

kind of desperation and sadness if you feel you haven't really reached certain

milestones by then.

I am a high energy person, and there are things I wanted to do in life. In many

ways, I was thwarted right from the get go, as a child. It was the programming I

received. I was taught that others needs superseded my own. That wasn't just an

AS thing. It affected my NT siblings the same way.

But we on the spectrum are especially vulnerable, as, due to partial lack of

theory of mind, we assume others would act with the same intentions as we do. We

truly " do unto others as you would have them do unto you. " We trust and rely on

the judgement of others, and with our more concrete and literal thinking, we

take at face value what is presented to us. It does not occur to us - often

until later in life - that perhaps some others that we have trusted and

respected are acting and advising based entirely on their own self interest, and

not in our best interests at all.

It's not nice to " wake up " in mid life and realize this. Now, time is slipping

away. There are definitely doors that are closed now. These are the seeds of

resentment.

One has to be able to let go of what is already " water under the bridge " and

those things that can no longer happen, and focus on what *is* still possible.

But both AS and NT get stuck on this, especially if in the past, circumstance

thwarted us, and now, making a different choice means an uncertain future in

scary times. Easier to fall back on blame and regrets and all those " coulda,

woulda, shoulda's. "

I'm almost past the anger and grieving. I have been stuck in a kind of

paralysis, but am slowly moving away from that as well now - thank God - I was

stuck there long enough. I have commenced counseling again to help me move

forward.

- Helen, 55, self dx'd AS, dx'd ADD

[Guest guest]

> if I may pipe up here, it *is* my experience that more AS in general hold on

to resentments than do non spectrum folks.

Yes, I believe that's correct. I did a survey on another Aspie forum

last year, and the majority there admitted to harbouring some kind of

resentment or other.

> But we do have our reasons!

Haha! But of course! We are a very logical crew, and we *always*

have our reasons!

> I have always understood intellectually that resentment is not helpful,

I would argue that is often true, but not always. I think it depends on

the type of resentment, and what chances there still are for the

perpetrator to take note and rectify the situation. I don't think it

should be said that we should always forgive everything that's done

against us. It depends on whether it was done deliberately, and whether

it's capable of being undone.

> I believe resentment is generally visited upon mature folks; I think it's

rarer in people under age 40. Before age 40, we are still in the territory of

future possibilities.

It's true that under 40, we can more easily change our ideas, so if we

suffer something that we perceive as wrong, as an under-40 we can change

our view and call it right or call it OK more easily than an over-40

can. But just because we're under 40 doesn't mean we should try to

turn every wrong into a right, surely? We have our standards, and

some wrongs have to remain wrong forever.

> After age 40, something barely perceptible starts to happen. Life, and

success, starts to *feel* trickier as certain limitations, such as health and

economic factors, begin to creep in. As each year ticks by, this feeling becomes

more acute. August rolls by, you are now into September and ... there is a

certain kind of desperation and sadness if you feel you haven't really reached

certain milestones by then.

This is perfectly true, but up to this point, I don't quite see where

resentment comes into it.

> I am a high energy person, and there are things I wanted to do in life. In

many ways, I was thwarted right from the get go, as a child. It was the

programming I received. I was taught that others needs superseded my own. That

wasn't just an AS thing. It affected my NT siblings the same way.

True again, and certainly learning to be considerate of others is

fundamental to good living in any society, but giving others' needs a

higher priority than your own would normally be taking it too far. Only

perhaps in a very exceptional case where an " other " was obviously so

much more talented and showed so much more potential than you did,

might it be justified to afford their needs a higher priority than

yours, and even then it would be arguable. No, on the whole, I'd

say that programming was flawed.

> But we on the spectrum are especially vulnerable, as, due to partial lack of

theory of mind, we assume others would act with the same intentions as we do. We

truly " do unto others as you would have them do unto you. " We trust and rely on

the judgement of others, and with our more concrete and literal thinking, we

take at face value what is presented to us. It does not occur to us - often

until later in life - that perhaps some others that we have trusted and

respected are acting and advising based entirely on their own self interest, and

not in our best interests at all.

Yes, you are describing Aspie naïvety here which is very common. Its

converse is NT selfishness which is also very common.

> It's not nice to " wake up " in mid life and realize this. Now, time is slipping

away. There are definitely doors that are closed now. These are the seeds of

resentment.

>

> One has to be able to let go of what is already " water under the bridge " and

those things that can no longer happen, and focus on what *is* still possible.

But both AS and NT get stuck on this, especially if in the past, circumstance

thwarted us, and now, making a different choice means an uncertain future in

scary times. Easier to fall back on blame and regrets and all those " coulda,

woulda, shoulda's. "

Ah yes, I see what you're getting at. Resenting stuff from the past

that it's too late to change now, however flawed and wrong it was, is

just a waste of energy. It won't get us anywhere and it won't achieve

anything useful at all.

> I'm almost past the anger and grieving. I have been stuck in a kind of

paralysis, but am slowly moving away from that as well now - thank God - I was

stuck there long enough. I have commenced counseling again to help me move

forward.

Good, it sounds as if you've pretty much cracked that side of it

already.

But don't forget there are other kinds of resentments where the " wrong "

is still active and things can still be changed. I argue that these

resentments are perfectly healthy, and can work as real instruments to

drive improvements and change.

+

(dx 18 months ago at age 67)

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

I usually edit posts when I reply, but I like what you said, so I'm going to

keep it in in case others haven't seen it. I've been here for awhile, and I'm no

dummy, haha, but every now and then someone says something that I pause and

think, " gee, I hadn't thought of that.. " That's what I love about this board ..

so many smart people in one place

I especially liked what you said in your last paragraph. I think what you said

could be summed up as constructive resentment as an agent of change.

Due to my background, coupled with the kind of religious indoctrination I

received while growing up, guilt is a huge feature in my life. So I have felt

guilty that I feel resentful.

I like the justice component that you talked about midway through the post, and

as you point out, some folks do things that really *do* need to be redressed. We

Aspies are strong on justice Yep, we have our standards, some things will

always be wrong .. probably the same things that are wrong for non-spectrum

folks, too.

Of course, and I'm sure you know this, in some cases, there will be no justice.

The folks who " did the work " aren't going fix it. They are seriously flawed

people. I call some of them sociopaths. Sometimes the matter can be addressed in

civil law, but most of the time, not even worth that. Better to spend time,

money and energy on fixing yourself.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I like the idea of constructive resentment.

This is helpful.

best regards,

Helen, 55, self-dx'd AS, dx'd ADD

>

> > if I may pipe up here, it *is* my experience that more AS in general hold on

to resentments than do non spectrum folks.

>

> Yes, I believe that's correct. I did a survey on another Aspie forum

> last year, and the majority there admitted to harbouring some kind of

> resentment or other.

>

> > But we do have our reasons!

>

> Haha! But of course! We are a very logical crew, and we *always*

> have our reasons!

>

> > I have always understood intellectually that resentment is not helpful,

>

> I would argue that is often true, but not always. I think it depends on

> the type of resentment, and what chances there still are for the

> perpetrator to take note and rectify the situation. I don't think it

> should be said that we should always forgive everything that's done

> against us. It depends on whether it was done deliberately, and whether

> it's capable of being undone.

>

> > I believe resentment is generally visited upon mature folks; I think it's

rarer in people under age 40. Before age 40, we are still in the territory of

future possibilities.

>

> It's true that under 40, we can more easily change our ideas, so if we

> suffer something that we perceive as wrong, as an under-40 we can change

> our view and call it right or call it OK more easily than an over-40

> can. But just because we're under 40 doesn't mean we should try to

> turn every wrong into a right, surely? We have our standards, and

> some wrongs have to remain wrong forever.

>

> > After age 40, something barely perceptible starts to happen. Life, and

success, starts to *feel* trickier as certain limitations, such as health and

economic factors, begin to creep in. As each year ticks by, this feeling becomes

more acute. August rolls by, you are now into September and ... there is a

certain kind of desperation and sadness if you feel you haven't really reached

certain milestones by then.

>

> This is perfectly true, but up to this point, I don't quite see where

> resentment comes into it.

>

> > I am a high energy person, and there are things I wanted to do in life. In

many ways, I was thwarted right from the get go, as a child. It was the

programming I received. I was taught that others needs superseded my own. That

wasn't just an AS thing. It affected my NT siblings the same way.

>

> True again, and certainly learning to be considerate of others is

> fundamental to good living in any society, but giving others' needs a

> higher priority than your own would normally be taking it too far. Only

> perhaps in a very exceptional case where an " other " was obviously so

> much more talented and showed so much more potential than you did,

> might it be justified to afford their needs a higher priority than

> yours, and even then it would be arguable. No, on the whole, I'd

> say that programming was flawed.

>

> > But we on the spectrum are especially vulnerable, as, due to partial lack of

theory of mind, we assume others would act with the same intentions as we do. We

truly " do unto others as you would have them do unto you. " We trust and rely on

the judgement of others, and with our more concrete and literal thinking, we

take at face value what is presented to us. It does not occur to us - often

until later in life - that perhaps some others that we have trusted and

respected are acting and advising based entirely on their own self interest, and

not in our best interests at all.

>

> Yes, you are describing Aspie naïvety here which is very common. Its

> converse is NT selfishness which is also very common.

>

> > It's not nice to " wake up " in mid life and realize this. Now, time is

slipping away. There are definitely doors that are closed now. These are the

seeds of resentment.

> >

> > One has to be able to let go of what is already " water under the bridge " and

those things that can no longer happen, and focus on what *is* still possible.

But both AS and NT get stuck on this, especially if in the past, circumstance

thwarted us, and now, making a different choice means an uncertain future in

scary times. Easier to fall back on blame and regrets and all those " coulda,

woulda, shoulda's. "

>

> Ah yes, I see what you're getting at. Resenting stuff from the past

> that it's too late to change now, however flawed and wrong it was, is

> just a waste of energy. It won't get us anywhere and it won't achieve

> anything useful at all.

>

> > I'm almost past the anger and grieving. I have been stuck in a kind of

paralysis, but am slowly moving away from that as well now - thank God - I was

stuck there long enough. I have commenced counseling again to help me move

forward.

>

> Good, it sounds as if you've pretty much cracked that side of it

> already.

>

> But don't forget there are other kinds of resentments where the " wrong "

> is still active and things can still be changed. I argue that these

> resentments are perfectly healthy, and can work as real instruments to

> drive improvements and change.

>

> +

>

> (dx 18 months ago at age 67)

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your vote of confidence, Helen. I thought it was especially

heartening that you explained exactly what you liked and why.

A few further comments below:

-----

> Due to my background, coupled with the kind of religious indoctrination I

received while growing up, guilt is a huge feature in my life. So I have felt

guilty that I feel resentful.

Yes, well I'd tend to treat guilt and resentment much the same way as

each other. The first step should be to analyse whether they are valid

and rational, and the second to decide whether it's within the bounds

of possibility for you or anyone else to do anything about them.

If correction is realistic, possible and just, then work on yourself

or work on others to make correction happen.

If not, the only way forward is to forgive. Forgive yourself or forgive

the perpetrators. In these cases, neither harbouring guilt within

oneself nor harbouring resentment towards others is going to get

anywhere. It's not only going to be a waste of time, it's quite likely

to damage you.

> I like the justice component that you talked about midway through the post,

and as you point out, some folks do things that really *do* need to be

redressed. We Aspies are strong on justice Yep, we have our standards, some

things will always be wrong .. probably the same things that are wrong for

non-spectrum folks, too.

Absolutely! Forgiving, and it doesn't matter whether we're talking

about forgiving onself or forgiving others, is *not* the universal

answer to all disputes and problems. Some issues need to be worked on

and redressed.

OTOH, don't let's become too prickly and intolerant. Forgiveness is a

powerful healer in the right circumstances.

> Of course, and I'm sure you know this, in some cases, there will be no

justice. The folks who " did the work " aren't going fix it. They are seriously

flawed people. I call some of them sociopaths. Sometimes the matter can be

addressed in civil law, but most of the time, not even worth that. Better to

spend time, money and energy on fixing yourself.

Indeed, those are the most difficult cases when you *know* you're right

and you *know* they are wrong, but you still can't get them to change

their attitude. For a 100% true Aspie, only pistols at dawn are

going to fix it!