Re: a Mother's Day observation

[Guest guest]

Lizzy and everyone,

Your therapy sounds soooo much like mine. Today for Mother's Day we

went downtown and grabbed some awesome pecan waffles w/country ham to

go (had to wait half an hour just for take out as it the best

breakfast in all of the city), ran by starbucks and waited for 20

minutes for coffee and then headed down to the park for brunch with

the boys. It was so awesome seeing the boys giggle as about 4 or 5

squirrels smelt our pecans and walnuts (from the boys banana walnut

loaves- they're not into waffles yet- too young I guess as they don't

like syrupy stuff, thankfully) and it was hysterical as neither dh

nor I thought about how all these different food items chocked full

of nuts would attract the squirrels in the park. After that we went

to ride the train and play on the playground and it was just

wonderful. Getting out w/the boys and dh doing mundane things that

kids absolutely adore is so refreshing and gives me so much energy to

keep going. They are very therapeutic and very invigorating (though

by the end of the week totally exhausting as they're 3 and 1). But

seeing life through their eyes gives me such sheer hope and joy and a

sense of the wind blowing in my hair- freedom. Watching my oldest as

he rides the train and seeing his curly little locks swish back

clinging to the nape of his neck from the breeze and just sitting

quietly for 10 minutes taking everything in like it was the best life

possible is so profound for me. He hasn't a care in the world and the

only thing that is real is what is happening right now and he can't

see the curves ahead or the tunnels where the deisel smell is too

strong or the bridge with the swampy water and algae growing a mile

up the road and quite frankly he's not bothered by those short blips

in the ride anyway. He has a profound faith that the ride is worthy

of all the scenery-even the parts that aren't as aescthetic and

appealing. To learn that faith, to get a sense of it again that is so

often lost in childhood regardless of being abused or not, that is so

the goal lost in the adult world where every moment is spent trying

to escape/transcend the past or plan for the future that may never

come with being anxious. Learning to walk in faith and in hope is

something I am learning from the simplicity of my children and that,

to me at least, is why spending time with them and trying to see life

through their eyes is so unbelievably therapeutic- a $9 train ride

teaches me more than I get out of a $125 therapy session any day of

the week and twice on Thursdays. I want to live in each moment and

each breath like they do and yet I know there are things in my past

that can hurt them and things in the road ahead that can more than

jar their ride and so I'm forced to be the adult and look behind and

look ahead, but I also am learning in adulthood that I am wise to

humble myself to their level- to know internally that the past is not

okay, but that I am and that the future is uncertain but I am

optomistic. I love being their mom. I see in their eyes also that

life truly is beautiful and that today is a gift unto itself and most

days I can't unwrap it b/c I'm conditioned to merely look at the

package from the outside and fear the opening process and that I have

to work on trusting that the gift of today is all that is important-

to let go and let God as they say in AA meetings I suppose. But yes,

they are so therapeutic and I wouldn't recommend having them for

therapy only, but it is such an added bonus I didn't see around that

corner when I became a mom.

And today I don't much care if nada is a normal mom or a normal

person or anything. Today is not about the past for me, but about

them and their future and my future and that is such a gift as well.

To not even think much about nada, to not feel inclined or guilted or

bullied into having her in my life...to have just a tiny fragment of

a charred out sinder in my heart that still remains only slightly

aglow, well that is nice to be honest....no forest fires. They have

helped to give me that freedom in defending and protecting their

purity and innocence and the blank slate of their souls that has yet

to be written upon that I can hardly grasp the profound nature

inwhich I have transformed myself over these past 3-4 years since

becoming pregnant and having children. And I know it is not simply I

who have chosen to transform myself but rather the little 'miracles'

that occur daily when I look into their eyes and see I have always

been a mother but did not know it- when I was little and helped to

raise my brother; or the stray dog I brought home and nursed back to

health; or the friend who didn't have anyone else to help her along

the way in overcoming her own deformed childhood; or how I have

helped to nurture myself along and mother myself in ways never

modeled by my own bio-mother. I see today so clearly that I do not

need my nada to be my mother. I am my own mother and I can also be

loved by others as well when I am not strong enough and need to lean

and be a daughter- a privelage not allowed in my warped childhood.

Why do I need nada to change? Why do I need nada to do anything for

me? Why would I care anymore? I see the price is too high in

pondering life w/nada and through nada's eyes...the price is the cost

of seeing life through the eyes of my children and the eyes of the

future...and seeing life through my own eyes for a change. I think

today was a great day and I think I don't miss my borderline mother

at all. It is the first year ever I have seen it so clearly that I

don't have a mother, well not an earthly mother, and that quite

frankly I don't really need one anymore and that I'll be okay...don't

know what's up ahead around the next corner, tunnel or bridge, but

I'll be okay. Yes, today was a great day. I know I will be okay- I am

learning to have faith and that's just about the best Mother's Day

gift I could've imagined before I ever woke up this morning. Wow.

Kerrie

PS I hope you other moms had a good Mother's Day too and that all you

other KOs did not have so difficult hang ups as this holiday can

often bring. It is hard to learn to look within to find the mother or

father we missed in childhood when the bp's world is so aligned to

looking at externalities for the solution to their own personal

problems. They will go to any lengths not to be ignored, to be

overlooked, to be forgotten, to not be abandoned and yet no person on

the planet is as capable of leaving them behind as much as they chose

to leave themselves behind daily. I'm not doing that and I'm not

pretending anymore that their world is the real world. Its not. Not

even close. I remember the hope and faith I had in childhood that

someday and someway things would be different in my life. I didn't

know how, but I am seeing and becoming the change I want to see in

the world as Ghandi put it....'Become the change you wish to see in

the world.' I guess I can almost hear nada saying as I write and feel

this - 'I'm melting, I'm melting.' like in the Wizard of Oz.

>

> Hello All,

> I feel like I have not been on here forever but so much has been

> happening that I have not had much time. We went on 2 out of state

> trips had house guests and it was my birthday and my sons birthday.

> Beside that I think I had mentioned that my grandma has breast

> cancer so I have going to her surgerys and mettings. We also have a

> new home that needs landscaping! And I started to teach myself

> piano! I am doing good at it I can already play about 10 songs.

(not

> to bad since I can't read music) Today my father-in-law comes for a

> visit from over seas and then in a week and a half we leave on

> another trip with him. I need a breather break!

>

> So anyway I just wanted to read up a little on some of the postings.

> Congrads to the new babys that are on the way! I am confident that

> they will be joy to your lives. I have 2 boys and I do like one

> poster said live backwards. When we go to the waterpark or zoo or

> even the sandbox and walking I enjoy every second of it. It is like

> therepy to me. They really are my sunshines. My oldest son comes

> home from school with finger paintings and I frame them and hang

> them in my room or his room. He feels special. I spend time reading

> with them and build their brains. Things my parents never did for

> me. We make a fuss over birthdays and blow ballons and make a cake.

> I think having kids is a great. It is not for everybody but it can

> be alot of fun!

>

> For my birthday I got 2 books I got the eggshells book and I hate

> you dont leave me book. I started to read the eggshells book out

> loud too my husband and we both really enjoy it so far. I really

> think my dad would benifit from this book. I tried to tell him of

it

> but he won't listen. I even feel bad for him because he has it 2

> times over, his boss also has a personality disorder but is seeking

> treatment unlike my mother. so weather he is at home or work he

> deals with bull.

>

> Today they are having a mothers day tea at my church. Last year I

> went but it was hard on me so this year I decided to not go. I

> almost got guilted into going but I stuck my guns and am staying at

> home. I will go to church tomorow not because I want to but because

> we have missed 3 weeks now from all trips and guest so I feel

> guilty. I still don't care for mothers day. It was exactly 4 years

> ago on May 9 that my n/c with my mom started. The only thing I like

> to do on mothers day is hang out at home with the boys and bbq some

> burgers.

>

> I was glad to hear to that I was not the only one who has feeling

of

> rage at times. Dealing with moms like that can be so stressful and

> sometimes when I would say something outloud in the heat of the

> moment to my husband or grandma they would scold me like the

> thoughts I had were wrong. But I read the ubm book and for the

first

> time felt kind of normal and to hear real people posting these same

> feeling really puts things into prespective. No we are not rageful

> just because we had a thought of rage. Very good to hear that thank

> you! There are times I wish she would have a stroke or go into a

> coma just anything to slow her down. I just don't know how much

more

> of her I can take. If only she would be a normal mother.

>

> I hope you all (*men and women, we all had a mohter*) can suround

> yourself with positive people on mohters day weather it be a small

> child to hold your hand, a woman who touched your life in a

positive

> way, the stong backbone that you can always rely on, And the soft

> arms that can hold you when you cry. I hope you all have a happy

> mothers day and do something kind for the woman in your life who

> does matter! Lizzy

>

[Guest guest]

very profound.. and very true.

thank you for your thoughts.

twin.less

Kerrie wrote:

Lizzy and everyone,

.... to know internally that the past is not

okay, but that I am

and that the future is uncertain but I am

optomistic.

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