Working through KO feelings (was On Jail and ...)

[Guest guest]

Georgia, Trish, Kerrie, and All,

Working through vengeful, vindictive, rageful, angry feelings was and has

been the biggest job of my life. This is a very powerful subject for me

and brings up strong feelings.

For many years, starting in my childhood, I fantasized about how much

better my life would be without my nada. This was the best I could do and

shows that my instincts and psyche were properly working. Originally,

there was nothing wrong with me. The rage that built up in me nearly tore

me apart and drove my crazy. THAT was my biggest challenge. I got

virtually no help, no understanding, and no support for what I was

enduring, including from the hundreds of professionals who crossed paths

with me all those years as teachers, counselors, etc. Yet, I managed to

get through that time without killing myself or anyone else. Only someone

like another KO would understand that I’m proud of that.

Through the years, I learned that the thousands of unpleasant thoughts and

feelings I had about my nada and FOO were natural, normal and healthy.

They showed and show that my brain, heart and spirit are properly working,

too. I’ve also learned that having vengeful, vindictive, rageful, angry

thoughts does NOT make me a vengeful, vindictive, rageful, angry person.

It seems that my biggest leftover challenge about this is that, compared

to most people, so MANY things register on my radar. I still refer to and

talk about things, such as some driver who endangered me, that most people

don’t talk about. They often, therefore, think of me as an angry person.

If only they knew. That’s my way of blowing off a little steam, trying to

keep the pressure cooker and tinder of my soul from getting restimulated

to a boiling or igniting point again. It keeps me sane and keeps me being

perceived by some as an angry person.

As I continue to heal (I think I’ll be done in about 50 years), I feel the

pressure cooker and tinder inside of me continuing to calm down, the heat

of the old rage slowly draining away from my body and psyche. I

sometimes, like a little bit as I wrote this, feel sad about having to do

this process, this healing. However, there’s something else about it in

more recent years that keeps me from acting on those old fantasies.

I could’ve had to go through this process without having had a nada or

FOO. I could’ve been badly injured by a mugger(s), a driver, a disaster,

or a war. Remembering this helps me separate nada from the unpleasant

feelings. If not her, I could’ve been injured and raged about living

where a government made war on its own people, or why God or something

caused some disaster to wipe out all my possessions and nearly kill me.

The possibilities are endless. I need to and work on remembering that my

feelings are my feelings and that they’re not, in reality, connected with

any other person, place or thing. They’re mine and they’re changeable.

Time and experience have proven that. This helps me hold my nada

accountable without (usually) blaming her.

Having said that, and partly in reference to my post a day or two ago, I

wish all of you ladies here a very happy, loving and heartfelt Mother’s

Day.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- georgialady_bug wrote:

> Hi All,

>

> Trish you mentioned that admitting our darker thoughts was

> theraputic. I feel I need much therapy as I am in the very

> beginning stages of my healing. With that being said I have

> something to offer to this discussion. While I have never had

> thoughts of killing my Nada...I have invisioned her dieing and what

> a relief that would bring to me. Like I would somehow be suddenly

> and truly free for the first time ever in my life. Will I be sad

> when she passes? Yes, but I will be mourning for the Mother I never

> had and not the passing of the one who gave birth to me. How sad is

> that?!

> Oh the guilt I feel when I think and furthermore admit such

> things. Where is the therapy in that? That has been THE biggest

> stumbling block in dealing/healing from a BP Nada....the incredible

> guilt. Any suggestions on how to stop that inner turmoil and put

> that voice inside me to rest? How can I move on when for every step

> I take forward...guilt takes me two steps back.

>

> Thanks for your insight.

>

> Georgia

>

> >

> > Kerry, I think you're right about not playing being the best way.

> For

> > my part, I know the anger will always be there and that there are

> > still things I haven't even had the chance to be angry for yet that

> > I'll need to sort out--but that doesn't mean giving into it and

> being

> > angry all the time.

> >

> > I've never fantasized about killing my nada, but I was split

> good. My

> > brother, who was split bad actually used to attack her sometimes

> and

> > can become violent in reaction to her to this day--he's talked

> about

> > killing her. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really dispondant about

> the

> > whole situation, I think, " well, maybe he'll just kill

> her. . .then I

> > won't have to worry about him snapping and, well, nada will no

> longer

> > be in action. " I actually think to myself at those times that it

> would

> > be for the best--of course if that ever happened I would just be

> sick.

> > It's upsetting to find myself thinking this way about my family,

> but

> > I think the first step for me has been just accepting that I do

> have

> > these thoughts and that other people in my situation do too. I

> > think that if we spent all of our time indulging these thoughts

> that

> > we'd probably go over to the " dark side, " but getting them out and

> > really looking at them is kind of reassuring because you can see

> how

> > you wouldn't ever really act on it--I'm pretty sure that you aren't

> > really going to scratch out your nada's eyes and pee into any part

> of

> > her. . .I mean, as sure as anyone can be! lol

> >

> > I was reading in a book Charlie recommended, " Trauma and Recovery "

> > about a group of trauma survivors that had a discussion about their

> > revenge fantasies that turned out to be really theraputic and part

> of

> > the healing process. I believe the author explained that just

> getting

> > these ideas into the open, knowing you're not alone and realizing

> that

> > you do not, in fact, need revenge to heal yourself are parts of the

> > recovery process. So, it looks like you're on your way. Good for

> you.

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Non-BP, thanks for the great post. I really appreciated what you said

about having feelings of rage or vengence not making you an angry or

vengeful person. This is very important. Thoughts and feelings are

really just something we experience and even create for ourselves

sometimes. They are not us. I'm glad to hear you've come so far in

your work with anger.

Trish