Re: Introduction of

[Guest guest]

Hi , welcome to the group!

I'm sorry about your parents' situation. My parents are now

splitting up after 35 years. I hope that if you do have to cut your

nada off that your Dad will eventually understand and be able to

return to you.

I have nightmares too.

I cannot reccommend enough trying to get some therapy, or even just

a support group. Even this group might help.

I had never realized until recently how much I pushed other people

away because I had internalized my mother's messages that I wasn't

good enough. I am married, but I married someone who came from a

very different but also very dysfunctional family. Early in our

marriage things were very rough and we had to get counseling and we

both came to understand that we picked up some bad coping mechanisms

in our childhoods. We're still working on it.

Here's to healing!

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Welcome to the board! I was very, very glad to read your post,

because I am also single and in my 30s. I'm glad to hear there's

another one of us out there. I too want nothing more than my own

immediate family. I will share with you some of what I've learned

about this.

The first thing we usually say to new posters is please

read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " . Looks like you already

know about that one. Even more important to me though has been

Judith Herman's " Trauma and Recovery " , which has become my recovery

bible, and given me great insight into many of the things you

mention. In that book there is a particular description of 're-

enactment'. I think that I have been re-enacting the trauma by

making sure my relationships don't work. It's an attempt to actually

FEEL the rejection nada issued to me--therefore master the traumatic

memory; and at the same time, it's an attempt to re-live the exact

same kindof abuse nada issued, but make it right--THIS time have the

power, be a good and desirable enough person, to make the man

actually decide to stop rejecting me and be nice to me.

There are also some terrible issues involved that have to do with

nadas forcing us to believe we are somehow inappropriately connected

to our fathers.

Your post sounds very sad, and I'm so sorry. I think I know almost

exactly how you feel. The idea is banishment--being effectively

banished from your 'tribe', and never getting the love from them

that you needed as a 12 year old. At times I feel like the most

alone person in the entire universe. What I am working on now, is

to try and get over the bansihment and the sense that I truly

don't 'deserve' to be connected to anybody. And the shame issues

regarding my father (see above). I am making some progress. It's

very hard, because I'm in my mid-30s and I feel often like I've

missed my chance to have love. But statistically speaking, that's

just not true--people are meant to hook up, and they do, at every

stage of their existence. I believe it is going to happen, and I

will DIE believing it is going to happen. I will NEVER GIVE UP. I

won't give up on you either! Please keep me posted, and let me know

if you want to hear more about anything I've written above.

Charlie

Even though most people who post here seem to be in relationships, I

think you will find their posts to be very useful. Even people with

kids tend to post things that are helpful to me.

>

> Hello all,

>

> I'm in my early 30s and still have nightmares about my nada nearly

> every night. Infact, she still consumes far too much of my mind,

> though I don't like to admit it. I'm in the process of cutting of

all

> ties with her. My folks remain married after 30+ years. My dad

(is a

> Fisherman, BorderlineMothers Book) is totally in denile and is

> completely submissive of my nada. So, if I end my relationship

with

> my nada, I will also be ending my relationship with my dad. This

is

> the part that rips my heart out. I love him so much. But he holds

> none of my secrets, offers me no protection, an enables the person

who

> hurts me deeply and repetitively.

>

> I'm deeply lonely, and want nothing more than to be in a

> relationship... and to have children... yet I haven't dated for

years

> and years. I've been working on my issues and feel the most

healthy

> and confident I've ever felt; butI don't know how to go about not

> being alone anymore.

>

> ~ (bleukatie@...)

>