Theory of Gifts

[Guest guest]

Since we are Jewish and exchange gifts on Hanukkah (which is almost over), this

is no longer relevant for me, but it may help some of the rest of you this year

-- and may help me with other gift-giving occasions.

As everyone here except the new folk know, both my husband and I are mildly

Aspie. This doesn't get us in synch with each other; we still have a lot of

Asperger's related problems to work out.

One such is gift giving. My parents removed all surprise from gifts -- they'd

ask me what I wanted, then took me to the proper store to buy it. I always got

something I wanted, but missed the element of pleasant surprise. Since I started

buying gifts for those close to me, I've researched what they wanted or would

find useful (and would not buy themselves), bought the items in secret and

wrapped them. It's fun to see people open gifts, and even more fun to get

thanked for choosing well.

DH's gift policy is almost completely opposite. His mom gave her kids wrapped

gifts, but DH rarely buys any gifts at all, for anyone. When he does, it's with

little research and no wrapping. [About 10 years ago, he bought a houseplant for

my birthday. I thanked him, and have gotten supermarket houseplants -- which die

quickly -- every year since. Except last year, when I said we didn't need any

more plants, so he didn't get one. Or anything else.] I buy all the gifts for

our kids, and for him.

I have told DH several times that I like getting gifts as a surprise, to which

he says I'm too picky to buy for. Partly true -- while I am picky, I do drop a

lot of fairly specific hints. This year, I even printed up a booklet of various

things he needs to remember about me: my communication patterns, how my tactile

sensitivities work, sexual tastes, and several pages of info on gifts I want and

when to get them. No inference needed: for example, I said " for Hanukkah, I'd

like at least one gift I don't have to choose for myself " and gave him lists of

items which included product numbers and store names.

So, what did he do? He decided to get me replacement sheepskin slippers (my old

ones wore out, and they were on my list). He went online, with me in the room,

asked for help in navigating a store's website, asked me for detailed size info

(which was in my booklet), double checked that the style was what I wanted, then

ordered with me by his side. [He also bought slippers for himself and our son,

and I helped with selecting our son's as well.]

He doesn't understand that I don't consider the slippers a gift. Thoughtful,

yes. During the holidays, yes. Wanted, definitely. But if I have to select it

myself, it just isn't a gift by my definition.

In years past, I've bought and wrapped my own gifts, which was profoundly

unsatisfying. THe only person who noticed was my PDD-NOS daughter, who felt bad

that she didn't get me anything, couldn't afford to, and decided I should not

get her gifts because she couldn't reciprocate. Three spectrumites, three

different Theories of Gift. Oy, vey!

Has anyone here dealt with this? Successfully?

--Liz

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