Re: married to an autistic man

[Guest guest]

Should a husband you suspect is autistic (and seems to be enjoying his life) be tested? Is there any treatment for someone in their 60's? It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, he drives me nuts, so any treatment for him would help me.

Thanks for any input!

Subject: Re: married to an autistic manTo: aspires-relationships Date: Sunday, December 5, 2010, 11:07 PM

Tooah2000,

I am sorry that you are angry and feel you didn't get what you wanted out of a 42 year marriage. I am sure that nobody gets everything they want out of any marriage. I suggest that you try to count the good things about your marriage. I am not sure that your husband only "needed someone to take care of him". My husband, although he will be the first to admit that he can't supply my emotional needs, is there for doing some of the household chores, we have friendships together with other couples, and we DO lots of things together. Yes, what we do is mostly his favorite things, but over our 21 years of marriage, I have learned to also develop a love of the things he likes to do-----hiking, skiing, biking, etc. This gives us things to talk about together, shared fun times, and time to exercise which we all knows helps our own mental state. Try to think about the GOOD characteristics your husband

has. It sounds like he is loyal, and probably very honest, a good rule follower, and probably other aspie characteristics, not all of which are bad. Hopefully, you can re-think and realize that your life hasn't all been sacrifice, but living together. I have been where you are, and not that long ago, just so frustrated now finally knowing that with an AS person, you are really NOT going to change them, no matter all your love and compassion for them. Keep sounding off, and blowing off the steam so to speak. I know that your family and friends do not really understand your frustration, but you know what? WE DO!! We have all been there. A lot of us are still going to love our aspies no matter what, and know that the union we have is unique and can be beautiful.. You'll read some from others that have called it quits with their aspies. I try to encourage you to work on what you can, and

accept what you can't change. Find some good girlfriends to get emotional support from. Also, know that we are here to give you affirmation and support also!

Pat

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Sat, December 4, 2010 8:25:40 AMSubject: married to an autistic man

I just recently realized, due to researching his symptoms, that my husband of 42 years is a high functioning autistic. I always knew there was something wrong, but could never put a name to it. I feel like I had to raise the kids myself, lived alone, had no one to share my feelings/memories with. My relatives would always say, he is so nice, be happy you have a loyal husband. No one understood.

Now I am angry that I have spent so much of my emotioninal energy, lived through depression, the kids asking me what is wrong with dad, craved emotional intimacy from anyone. I never would have married anyone who just needed someone to take care of him. I sacraficed my life for what? How do I deal with it? How have others dealt with it?

[Guest guest]

> Should a husband you suspect is autistic (and seems to be enjoying his life)

be tested? Is there any treatment for someone in their 60's? It goes without

saying, but I'll say it anyway, he drives me nuts, so any treatment for him

would help me.

I do a lot of peer counseling in the gifted education community, where the

subject of IQ testing comes up often. I'll give you the same advice I give

there.

First, why do you want the testing done? Is it just for knowledge, or are there

special programs/therapies that require specific test results? Are you

interested in having the testing done to prove something to yourself, or your

husband? Are you planning to use the results as a weapon: " See, I told you you

had a problem, I was right. "

What do you plan to do with the results? Are there special therapies available

in your area that require a specific test result? Are there similar therapies

available that need no prior testing, or alternate therapies? Having a test

result is like buying a book on exercise -- reading the book, like taking the

test,is useless unless you plan to take action.

One set of questions that rarely come up with kids, but is vitally important

when dealing with adults: do you have your husband's full willing cooperation?

You can't force him to get tested, and if he goes alone merely to humor you, he

may not give full honest responses, which will mess with the results. Similarly,

if he will refuse any therapies, regardless of the test result, is it worth

bothering with a test?

I know a lot of the above sounds like I'm against testing, but I'm not -- I'm

against useless testing that wastes money and annoys all concerned. When my

husband and I went for Aspie couples counseling, our therapist gave us survey

tests -- these were useful in that they let both of us see that a) DH was also

Aspie, and as affected as I am; 2) some of our areas of weakness clash, causing

relationship problems.

Another thing, and this is a bit nit-picky ... there is no " treatment " for

autism, in that you can't do something to the autie and make them non-autistic.

The best therapies are ones that let the Aspie/autie see that their actions

aren't effective and teach/train us to use different, more effective actions.

But we are, and will always be on the Spectrum, just well-adjusted.

Tooah2000, have you considered couples counseling as a place you can talk about

the things that " drive you nuts " ? And have you looked for a therapist who

understands autism and how it affects marriages? I think your money would be far

better spent with a good therapist than on testing. {my opinion, as a

non-professional}

--Lzi

------------

The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergersparent.wordpress.com/

SF, science, and Gifted Ed t-shirts, mugs, and other items at

http://www.zazzle.com/CartesianBear*

Follow my shop activity at http://twitter.com/cartesianbear

[Guest guest]

This is more or less what I was going to say only better so I won't bother.

:-) Testing is only useful if the person tested is motivated to use it and then only useful for whatever they are motivated to use it for... Jennie AS self motivated

Re: married to an autistic man

> Should a husband you suspect is autistic (and seems to be enjoying his life) be tested? Is there any treatment for someone in their 60's? It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, he drives me nuts, so any treatment for him would help me.I do a lot of peer counseling in the gifted education community, where the subject of IQ testing comes up often. I'll give you the same advice I give there.First, why do you want the testing done? Is it just for knowledge, or are there special programs/therapies that require specific test results? Are you interested in having the testing done to prove something to yourself, or your husband? Are you planning to use the results as a weapon: "See, I told you you had a problem, I was right."What do you plan to do with the results? Are there special therapies available in your area that require a specific test result? Are there similar therapies available that need no prior testing, or alternate therapies? Having a test result is like buying a book on exercise -- reading the book, like taking the test,is useless unless you plan to take action.One set of questions that rarely come up with kids, but is vitally important when dealing with adults: do you have your husband's full willing cooperation? You can't force him to get tested, and if he goes alone merely to humor you, he may not give full honest responses, which will mess with the results. Similarly, if he will refuse any therapies, regardless of the test result, is it worth bothering with a test?I know a lot of the above sounds like I'm against testing, but I'm not -- I'm against useless testing that wastes money and annoys all concerned. When my husband and I went for Aspie couples counseling, our therapist gave us survey tests -- these were useful in that they let both of us see that a) DH was also Aspie, and as affected as I am; 2) some of our areas of weakness clash, causing relationship problems.Another thing, and this is a bit nit-picky ... there is no "treatment" for autism, in that you can't do something to the autie and make them non-autistic. The best therapies are ones that let the Aspie/autie see that their actions aren't effective and teach/train us to use different, more effective actions. But we are, and will always be on the Spectrum, just well-adjusted.Tooah2000, have you considered couples counseling as a place you can talk about the things that "drive you nuts"? And have you looked for a therapist who understands autism and how it affects marriages? I think your money would be far better spent with a good therapist than on testing. {my opinion, as a non-professional}--Lzi------------The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergersparent.wordpress.com/SF, science, and Gifted Ed t-shirts, mugs, and other items at http://www.zazzle.com/CartesianBear*Follow my shop activity at http://twitter.com/cartesianbear

[Guest guest]

Thanks guys for the, as usual, great advice. Thank goodness I found this group!!! > Should a husband you suspect is autistic (and seems to be enjoying his life) be tested? Is there any treatment for someone in their 60's? It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, he drives me nuts, so any treatment for him would help me.I do a lot of peer counseling in the gifted education community, where the subject of IQ testing comes up often. I'll give you the same advice I give there.First, why do you want the testing done? Is it just for knowledge, or are there special programs/therapies that require specific test results? Are you interested in having the testing done to prove something to yourself, or your husband? Are you planning to use the results as a weapon: "See, I told you you had a problem, I was right."What do you plan to do with the results? Are there special therapies available in your area that require a specific test result? Are there

similar therapies available that need no prior testing, or alternate therapies? Having a test result is like buying a book on exercise -- reading the book, like taking the test,is useless unless you plan to take action.One set of questions that rarely come up with kids, but is vitally important when dealing with adults: do you have your husband's full willing cooperation? You can't force him to get tested, and if he goes alone merely to humor you, he may not give full honest responses, which will mess with the results. Similarly, if he will refuse any therapies, regardless of the test result, is it worth bothering with a test?I know a lot of the above sounds like I'm against testing, but I'm not -- I'm against useless testing that wastes money and annoys all concerned. When my husband and I went for Aspie couples counseling, our therapist gave us survey tests -- these were useful in that they let both of us see that a) DH was also Aspie,

and as affected as I am; 2) some of our areas of weakness clash, causing relationship problems.Another thing, and this is a bit nit-picky ... there is no "treatment" for autism, in that you can't do something to the autie and make them non-autistic. The best therapies are ones that let the Aspie/autie see that their actions aren't effective and teach/train us to use different, more effective actions. But we are, and will always be on the Spectrum, just well-adjusted.Tooah2000, have you considered couples counseling as a place you can talk about the things that "drive you nuts"? And have you looked for a therapist who understands autism and how it affects marriages? I think your money would be far better spent with a good therapist than on testing. {my opinion, as a non-professional}--Lzi------------The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergersparent.wordpress.com/SF, science, and Gifted Ed t-shirts, mugs, and other items at http://www.zazzle.com/CartesianBear*Follow my shop activity at http://twitter.com/cartesianbear

[Guest guest]

Wow Liz, you are a wise and articuate woman!!!! I have done my own diagnosis of my AS husband (OK, I am a doctor, but not a psychiatrist) and FOR ME it has been wonderful, in a way. I can now understand that some of the things he has said (smells that he hates, clothing that bothers him, etc) is NOT just him being super picky, but something that he really does feel more than the non-spectrum person. I have read multiple books in the last few weeks in attempt to understand him more. I also have been able to look a little more objectively at myself, and realize that I do "mother" him some. (ouch, that hurts just to type that !). I give him "clues" all the time, and hadn't really realized it. (To keep his voice down, to move on with a conversation

topic, what to expect at a party and who he can go and stand in the corner and talk to, etc) He has read one of the books,and does agree he fits "on the spectrum" and has even pointed out some things about his mother that maybe she is also. He doesn't like the "title" and I don't think I would either, but if it helps with our relationship, that is important to us. I have changed a little more since doing some reading.

Pat

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tue, December 14, 2010 10:45:48 AMSubject: Re: married to an autistic man

> Should a husband you suspect is autistic (and seems to be enjoying his life) be tested? Is there any treatment for someone in their 60's? It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, he drives me nuts, so any treatment for him would help me.I do a lot of peer counseling in the gifted education community, where the subject of IQ testing comes up often. I'll give you the same advice I give there.First, why do you want the testing done? Is it just for knowledge, or are there special programs/therapies that require specific test results? Are you interested in having the testing done to prove something to yourself, or your husband? Are you planning to use the results as a weapon: "See, I told you you had a problem, I was right."What do you plan to do with the results? Are there special therapies available in your area that require a specific test result? Are there

similar therapies available that need no prior testing, or alternate therapies? Having a test result is like buying a book on exercise -- reading the book, like taking the test,is useless unless you plan to take action.One set of questions that rarely come up with kids, but is vitally important when dealing with adults: do you have your husband's full willing cooperation? You can't force him to get tested, and if he goes alone merely to humor you, he may not give full honest responses, which will mess with the results. Similarly, if he will refuse any therapies, regardless of the test result, is it worth bothering with a test?I know a lot of the above sounds like I'm against testing, but I'm not -- I'm against useless testing that wastes money and annoys all concerned. When my husband and I went for Aspie couples counseling, our therapist gave us survey tests -- these were useful in that they let both of us see that a) DH was also Aspie,

and as affected as I am; 2) some of our areas of weakness clash, causing relationship problems.Another thing, and this is a bit nit-picky ... there is no "treatment" for autism, in that you can't do something to the autie and make them non-autistic. The best therapies are ones that let the Aspie/autie see that their actions aren't effective and teach/train us to use different, more effective actions. But we are, and will always be on the Spectrum, just well-adjusted.Tooah2000, have you considered couples counseling as a place you can talk about the things that "drive you nuts"? And have you looked for a therapist who understands autism and how it affects marriages? I think your money would be far better spent with a good therapist than on testing. {my opinion, as a non-professional}--Lzi------------The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergersparent.wordpress.com/SF, science, and Gifted Ed t-shirts, mugs, and other

items at http://www.zazzle.com/CartesianBear*Follow my shop activity at http://twitter.com/cartesianbear