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[Guest guest]

Hi Anne Welcome to the group! You will find a lot of valuable insight and understanding here!

I think the first thing I would like to share is how difficult it is to navigate an online relationship (of any sort) because of the lack of body cues. My Aspie and I struggled with this for quite some time because we spent a good bit of time chatting throughout the day and night as we were working, etc. So much of our "drama" was misunderstanding. He struggles to read context correctly when he has verbal, facial, body cues - text is often impossible. So, what we have learned is that online chatting is for keeping it light and if there is something "real" to discuss, it should be at the very least, a phone conversation so we can hear each others voices. Second, I had to learn to communicate in a very different way to be successful with my Aspie. And he has had to learn to communicate differently as well. I have learned to make a very concise and clear request when I want or dont want

something. I have learned that rapid-firing a bunch of requests and issues at him is a recipe for disaster. I have learned that anything with emotional content (positive or negative) creates HUGE anxiety within him, and he becomes overwhelmed and needs to retreat to regroup. Intense emotion short-curcuits his wiring. I have learned to honor this as a need, and not see it as a punishment or an abandonment. Third, Im guessing if you examine your friendship there is a clear rhythm to it. Im guessing he has written a rule (conscious or unconscious) about where you fit in his universe. When you ask for this rule to change - when you ask for any change - this is going to create anxiety and resistance and fear within him. You may perceive coming for a visit to finally meet an exciting thing. Im guessing for him this is a HUGE source of anxiety - for my Aspie just having me within his personal space is

really, really difficult sometimes. For my Aspie, change of his routines creates an anxiety so big that he sometimes just becomes frozen. Tiny steps work, sometimes. Once a rule has been written, even if it isnt a great rule it is the way it is and anything different is difficult. I have learned not to take this personal, its not about me. Its not about his feelings for or lack of feelings for me. I have learned that the more I want or need from my Aspie, the more he feels pushed and this creates resistance and he doesnt enjoy interacting with me. It has helped us to ask a lot of questions. For example what you mentioned about saying hello every day when you see him online and he says he feels smothered...Im guessing that your intention may be just to say hello, because you see him there online and that is as far as the gesture goes. In his mind perhaps he is feeling that if he says hello then you are

going to want to engage him in an extended way and he will ot be able to disengage, or you will become upset...and the anxiety begins. To create a clear expectation helps. "I like to say hello when I see you online but I dont expect to have a conversation." Or even in the moment to say, "just a quick hello, hope your day is going well." My Aspie used to say, "Hi, I can only talk to you for 5 minutes" and then start rattling off his To-Do list. I always felt insulted by that - like he felt he had to manage me - until I understood that this was his way of navigating my expectatations so I wouldnt become disappointed or upset with him. He learned that the way he was navigating my expectations WAS upseting me so he stopped doing that. I learned to phrase my expectation in my hello so he knew where I was coming from. I always ask what things mean now, because what he does always makes sense when he

has explained himself. I absolutely cannot assume that I know what ANYTHING means based upon my experience in the NT universe. It is not the same, it will never be the same. There is a huge learning curve to learn to speak each others language, to find understanding to respect each others differences and even embrace each others differences. My Aspie and I bounced off of each other for a long time, it has gotten easier as we come to understand each other and ourselves better. It is not an easy journey, but it is a good one.