Re: Need to vent about my home life (Sorry its LONG)

[Guest guest]

michelle,

my prayers and heart go out to u and ur

kids. i know how it is when u r somewhere

u dont want to be. as a kid my step dad was

like ur hubby and i was the kid who was very unhappy,

my mom didnt see things the way i did, til it was to late.

i ran away when i was 14. it broke my moms heart, but she

grew stronger and gave my step dad a choice either stop drinking

or she was out, he stopped drinking and it has been 16 years with no alcohol.

this was what needed to be done in their situation, its not for everyone. i

mean my mom lost

me, but im glad HE was man enough to change for her.

Just be so proud of urself that u r making a choice that is good for u and

ur kids. if u ever

need to chat im here u can email me netime sweety

lotsa hugs and kisses for u and ur kids xoxoxox

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much !!!

[Guest guest]

,

First let me give you a big hug. Now sit down and take a breath I

have somethings to say to you *wink wink*...

First, you are making a brave choice to improve your life and the

lives of your children that in your gut you know is right. I know it

is scary but you also know it is what must be done for your

happiness and the happiness of your kids. IM SO PROUD OF YOU!!

Change is very hard to make for many people when the future is so

uncertain. I dont know if you are a religious person but I am. And

everytime Ive had to make that step, Ive had to make it on faith.

There is a saying, the Lord helps those that help themselves..and I

believe He will be there for you along the way to make the journey a

bit easier. I haev had to go through many upheavels in my lifetime

and tho the journeys were never easy, I never died through them

either..make sense? Im a stronger person because I traveled those

roads and you are already showing signs of strength! BE PROUD!

Do not sit and dwell on the past. You could not change what you did

not know about. Its sad that the kids felt that way but you felt

that you were making the right decision then. Now that you realize

what is going on, and how unhappy everyone is, you are making the

right decision to change. There is nothing you can do that will help

you going back and dwelling on the past. Focus on the future..a

future without the domineering person always making your lifes

choices for you. Celebrate your future with your kids. They will

begin to smile more and look forward to the journey ahead.

I had something similar happen in the past only it was with a

girlfriend..at least I thought she was my best friend. She needed a

place to stay with her 3 kids and I opened my door to what I thought

would be 2 months. 2.5 yrs LATER!! after moving into my daughters

bedroom because she had taken over mine, after she and her children

made everyone miserable, literally destroyed EVERYTHING I owned (I

threw out ALL my furniture after she left and had to buy new)..and I

feared for both myself and my kids...I finaly stepped up to the

plate. I made a plan to get rid of her. I had asked her twice before

to leave and she wouldn't and it was going to be long and complex to

get her " evicted " from my own house. Somehow legally she had some

right to stay there even tho she never paid a nickle..I SUPPORTED

HER AND HER 3 KIDS! Talk about doormat life!!

I sat down with my kids...then 8 and 10 yrs old and told them what I

had planned. Once I did that, they were forth coming with the abuse

that she had put them through. UNforatunately I couldn't execute my

plan sooner for the same reasons you stated..money and safety. So we

planned and the 3 of us began to giggle and have private

conversations about how pathetic she was and how she was going to

get the surprise of her life.

When the time came, the bags were packed and hiding in the extra

bathroom. AT one point she almost found them and exposed our plan

which would have ended up in a physical dispute. The girl was nuts.

But she missed seeing the suitcases by inches. None of us slept that

night and at 3am the 3 of us ran from OUR OWN HOME! We went to a

hotel in the city and made a fun weekend out of it. We went to a

theme park, jumped on the beds in the hotel (sorry Marriott) all the

while knowing when she woke she was going to be flipping out.

Ihad given her an eviction letter AND A COURT date for the monday

following for a restraining order. That restraining order allowed me

to get her out of my house in 3 days instead of the 30 that was

required after notication of eviction. For those 3 days my kids and

I celebrated. She sent me a nasty email which I got while on the

trip and called me every name in the book. But we just laughed..she

couldn't hurt us anymore in any way. She didn't show up in court

Monday because if she did she would have been arrested. She was

frauding the welfare dept and I was going to RAT HER OUT!!

So monday I returned home with my kids and with restraining order in

place, I have not had to deal with her again in over 3 yrs.

It was the best choice I had ever made and very scary. She was a

loon with a short fuse and had been arrested in the past for

breaking the nose of her 300# boyfriend (Learned this long after she

moved in). I will never open my doors like that again.

The point of all of this is, that even tho it was scary...I did it.

And YOU WILL TOO! Just give up the guilt..it serves NO purpose! Look

towards the future plans and focus on your upcoming freedom.

You will have friends again, so will your children, and in the

meantime..you have all of us as your friends too! You are not alone.

Keep taking those steps to finding a happy life for both you and

your kids.

Big hugs my friend,

Katharine

> Hi everyone....I hope no one minds but I need to get some things

out that I

> have bottled up. I have zero friends here because this is my

spouses' hometown

> and I'm the outsider. Just to give you an idea....I live in a

town that has

> less than 400 people. The school my kids attend has one class per

grade. My

> boys are sophmores in high school (nope not twins, one got held

back due to a

> learning disability) and as it stands now their graduating class

would only have

> 18 (now 16 since mine are leaving) and my daughters 4th grade

class has 8

> kids. Thats the whole 4th grade. Needless to say fitting in here

is very

> difficult especially when the kids and I moved in from a big city.

>

> As I mentioned in a previous post, I spent most of yesterday with

my younger

> son. We talked a lot about our upcoming move. What really

saddened me though

> was I asked him how long he has been unhappy in the situation we

are in. He

> said since about 6 months after you got married. I got married

almost two

> years ago. (My current spouse is not the father of my children,

they are from a

> previous marriage). My heart just sank. I asked him why he never

said

> anything, and he said I thought you'd get mad. Yikes what a wake

up call. Its at that

> point I realized no matter how scary moving is, its what we need

to do. I'm

> so mad at myself right now. Isn't it amazing how you realize now

after I have

> begun to lose weight, how much the decisions I made as a super

morbidly obese

> person not only affected myself, but my children. What I mean by

that

> is......when it comes to the marriage I am in now I simply

settled. I convinced myself

> that I picked a good one and deep down I think I thought,

your a fat

> woman, this is the best you are going to do. The things I

compromised and told

> myself were okay because he is a good man and we deserve that. I

was so

> blind and miserable in my body and of course not realizing that

then. I was not in

> love with my spouse, but I convinced myself I was. My very best

friend told

> me I was making a mistake.......but noooo did I listen? I told her

we couldn't

> be friends if she couldn't support me. Before WLS I was the

quiet person

> who didn't let anything bother me. I let myself be a door mat.

Making everyone

> else happy was my job. When I got married I had to get rid of most

of my home

> decor items because he didn't like them. He wouldnt even allow me

to put any

> magnets (which I collect from the places I visit) or pictures that

my daughter

> drew or anything on the fridge. He told me how to dress...would

come up to me

> and pull to stretch my shirt out so that it appeared longer to

cover up my

> gut. Told me I was too old to wear sandals.....persuaded me to

cut my hair

> because he didn't like it long. I didnt even realize I did this

until a month or

> two ago, but when he walks into the family room, I just hand him

the remote,

> because I know he doesn't like to watch what I do. The kids don't

do anything

> right, they chew too loud, they aren't motivated enough and blah

blah blah.

> And talk about being anal for a clean house, this house has to be

immaculate or

> he freaks. My children's rooms are so clean they don't look like

anyone lives

> in them. Because they know if they don't clean them he will throw

their stuff

> out. He is very strict with them too, too strict. But I just sat

by and let

> this all happen. It wasn't until my WLS and started to finally

feel good about

> myself and decided I'm better than this, I don't need to give up

me to please

> him and I'm not going to be a door mat anymore.......then I sat

back and

> watched him interact with my kids and watching their body

language, the cloud

> finally started to lift and I started realizing how awful things

were here. And

> realized I was not happy and the kids weren't happy. He

threatened to kick the

> boys out of the house because they left soda cans in their rooms!

Then the

> boys finally told me how rough he gets with them when I'm not

around...such as

> grabbing them by the neck and arms to prove a point. Yikes, where

was I when

> all this happened??? Needless to say, I put a stop to that. I

threatened to

> call the police if he ever touched them again. And the boys say he

hasn't. But

> I don't give him the opportunity either, the kids aren't left here

with him

> anymore. There is so much more I could tell you all, but I wont or

this email

> would be a book. Its just makes me so sad and angry that I let

myself be

> treated like this and worse not seeing my children's' unhappiness

and not realizing

> that he was mistreating them. When people come in this house and

this has been

> told to me twice in the past two months....it is so quiet, you

would not know

> kids lived here. Because they all hibernate to stay out of dodge.

How sad is

> that? So that's when our " secret " planning to get out of here

started. Yep I

> said secret....he knows we are unhappy to be truthful I think he

likes it that

> way.......and I'm sure he knows at some point we will leave....but

right now

> he doesn't know when. And the reason is if I tell him, he'll kick

us out and

> then I wont have any money saved for our move. Makes me sound

horrible doesn't

> it? And the boys asked me not to leave until schools out because

they don't

> want to be in a new school mid year. So right now we are saving

every penny we

> can get our hands on. How ironic.......I moved my kids from

Alaska to

> Missouri for a better life....that did not happen. Now we are

going back to where we

> really want to be. And least I have family there in CA. I have

nothing here.

> Whew I needed to get all that out. Thanks for letting me vent!

I cant even

> talk to my Mom about this because right now she is battling cancer

and I just

> don't want to burden her with worry about us when she is so far

away. My Dad

> lives in CA and I haven't told him yet either because I'm just not

ready to

> face the disappointment he's going to have. And he'll start to

worry because he

> cant put us up because his house is SMALL. The other day I had a

panic attack

> about moving. So afraid I'm going to move and fall on my face. My

credit

> isn't the best and that worries me when it comes to finding a

place to live. I

> don't worry so much about finding a job because I have good

skills. I think

> I'm just afraid of the unknown. I just don't want to disappoint my

kids again.

> They tell me mom we know its not going to be easy. But it will be

fun, because

> we'll be happy again. Made me cry.

>

> Okay enough venting for one day. LOL Don't I sound pathetic?

I'm sitting

> here crying now just reading it. But I know the future is bright

and looking

> forward to it. Thanks for letting me get it all out.

>

>

> ~**~

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi michelle!

THanks so much for sharing with us. This is a great bunch of people

and we are here to listen.

Change is scary but it opens the door to so many new

opportunities.You are making changes to improve your life. That

isn't an easy decision to make. But just as you made teh choice to

have WLS this too will be a positive step in your and your

children's lives.

You already have new friends here so you won't be arriving as a

stranger!

Robyn

[Guest guest]

.....You and your children are wrapped in my love and held close to

my heart and thoughts.

in Portland, OR

Open proximal RNY.....Gallbladder

03-18-03....Dr. Simonowitz

313/158(now)/185(Dr's goal)..5'8 "

155 lbs lost.....152 " gone

That's 12.66 feet

BMI 48......now 24......age 57

Resentment doesn't go away. It just turns

to back fat. Bizzy...Baby blues