Feeling weak about no contact. Nada's b-day this month...

[Guest guest]

I've been on no contact with my mom for almost a week now, which is

big for us, since she usually calls me multiple times a day (and has

at times threatened to call the police when I didn't answer the phone,

but whatever). At first, I felt really good about the no contact. I

was so angry by what she had done and angered by all the insults and

games. But now I'm starting to feel weakened, guilty, like I need to

call her. I find myself slipping back into the mindset of " Oh, I'll

call her when I get home, " even though we're on no contact.

I don't want to call her. I don't want to talk to her. She's

oppressive and overbearing and high maintenance. Nothing makes her

happy and everything seems to set her off. The rules are always

changed. One minute, she's proud of me for being in college, the next

she's angered at me for being in college. I get yelled at for what

other people do. She tries to make me feel guilty for everything. And

I'm sick of it. I'm 21 years old and I've never felt like a capable

adult, until just very recently, after I left the mental ward of the

hospital (I was admitted due to a reaction to my medicine that could

have been deadly, and my major depression due to my bipolar disorder).

When I left the hospital, I felt like I could do anything I wanted and

that I was truly free. For the first time, I felt capable. I did stuff

that I should have been doing long ago, like paid my own bills,

scheduled appointments, cleaned up my house. Simple stuff that I never

was allowed to do when I lived with my mom. I couldn't even clean my

own room because she wanted it done HER way. I had no control over

anything in my life. At age 14 or 15, I broke my nose in an accident

at school, and SHE wanted to sue the school. It wasn't there fault,

and I didn't want to sue them at all, but I was dragged along to

lawyers and had to give depositions all because it was what SHE wanted

and she refused to take no from me. It was embarassing and

humiliating. I remember in deposition, I was having a panic attack the

entire time. She controlled nearly everything in my life, and when at

17 I said I wanted to go back to school (I was on home school, which

gave her more of a chance to control everything) and she said that's

great, we want you to be normal and go to school, yet when I did, she

acted like she hated me and did nothing but complain about it. She

hated me having friends. She insulted them constantly. One minute,

she'd say stuff like, " Oh, why can't you be normal and go out and

drink like every other teenager? " and the next minute she's accuse me

of having sex and doing drugs at school, just because I was taking a

lot of naps.

Yet, I am beginning to weaken. Her birthday is this month, and I don't

know whether to send her a card or what. I feel like something is

knawing at my stomach constantly. I haven't been sleeping well and I

haven't been able to attend all my lectures because I'm so sick with

stress.

How do you all stay strong?