Guest guest Posted June 6, 2010 Report Share Posted June 6, 2010 Hello, newcomers! I'm pretty new here myself. I've known (informally) that I am AS for years, but only recently found out that my husband of 19 years is AS too. We're in counseling with a therapist who specializes in AS couples, and things are going fairly well. I am finding my life with DH is much different when I frame his annoying behaviors in terms of Aspergers. Below is a case in point, with a happy ending. We're in the process of finishing a massive remodel on our house. Thursday I was doing a lot of online research on kitchen faucets -- take two Aspies with definite ideas on the subject, and you need to do lots of research! We were in e-mail contact al day about my findings, and he was coming to the realization that the faucet manufacturers don't make what he wants. He also had a stressful day at work, being forced to play office politics to get access to a lab where he needs to work. So he came home late, stressed and grumpy -- and immediately began complaining about how the faucet companies were stupid. He went in to the refrigerator to get some leftovers for dinner -- which I had mistakenly tossed a couple hours earlier because the package was undated. [We rescued the package, it was still good.] Then he tosses a pay stub on the table and complains because I promised him I'd prepare a new tax withholding form a month ago. [True, and my error -- and I prepared the form immediately.] All evening, I got nothing more than a very cursory thanks. Nothing unusual about this evening. Friday morning, I woke up with a bad case of " the blues " . I was sad and upset that DH had taken his stress out on me, when I did lots of work for him/us, and got no acknowledgement. Viewing this through my " DH is Aspie " lens, his behavior made sense, but I was still sad. I mentioned this at breakfast, and he asked if I knew why I was sad. Usually, I don't tell him, but that morning, I thought carefully and did, making sure to let him know that I understood his behavior, and was not blaming him, but felt I needed some positive recognition for my work the day before, and was sad because I didn't get it. [i was quite specific, and worded things very carefully so he couldn't misinterpret me.] And, HE APOLOGIZED!!! With a big hug. My blues vanished. As I've said before, most Aspie spouses love their partners deeply (though our definition of love may be different than an NT one), and we do not want to hurt our partners. However, when we do hurt them, we often don't get useful feedback about exactly what we did that caused the hurt, and clear guidelines to help us avoid repeating the hurtful behavior. If I had done the more typically NT thing of sulking when DH asked why I was sad, or given him a more general answer, he would not have had the knowledge to see how he erred. But now he knows -- when he comes home stressed and grumpy, he needs to not snap at the family, because they will react to his grumpiness, and not in good ways. So, for all the NT wives who think their AS husbands are hopeless cases ... they love you and do want to learn, but need a vastly different communication style to understand you. It's up to you whether the work of learning to talk to your Aspie so he will *hear* you is worth the trouble -- it is hard, and only you can decide if the payoff is worth the effort. --Liz ------------ The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergersparent.wordpress.com/ SF, science, and Gifted Ed butons, mugs, and other items at http://www.zazzle.com/CartesianBear* Higher Quality Adult & kid shirts at http://www.printfection.com/cartesianbear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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