Re: New to Aspire

[Guest guest]

Hi Jane,

Is your partner willing to see a Psychologist or counselor that is an expert on

the Autism spectrum? While it's true, we (NT's) have to adjust to a lot of

things and accept that our Aspie's are a certain way, they can also learn some

social skills that will help in a relationship. I understand your loneliness,

although my husband is a talker. He very much wants to discuss things and know

me, so conversation isn't really a problem. And, although the emotional empathy

is a common trait, this doesn't mean they aren't emotional people. That have

very intense emotions and if he would be willing to learn to express those, I

would assume that would benefit both of you.

I would also suggest finding a local support group or at least another person

that understands. I mostly feel alone because no one truly understands unless

you are living it 24/7. My husbands doctor has been extremely helpful helping

me understand a lot of things. I don't know what we ever did without him.

>

> I'm new to this site having been with my partner who has aspergers for 6

years. I'm in a very lonely place and not sure how I can improve the situation.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make it bearable living with a man

who has very little emotional empathy and who on occassion could live life

without any conversation.

>

[Guest guest]

> I'm new to this site having been with my partner who has aspergers for 6

years. I'm in a very lonely place and not sure how I can improve the situation.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make it bearable living with a man

who has very little emotional empathy and who on occassion could live life

without any conversation.

Welcome!

First, this list has male and female Aspies, and men and women who love us. I'm

an Aspie, as is my husband. We have two kids, one of whom is PDD-NOS (sorta,

kinda like Aspergers, but not quite), and one who does not, but is driving me up

the wall as I try to pack clothing for our trip to California. [We fly across

the country tonight.]

You may get a question about your first sentence ... one doesn't " have Aspergers

for 6 years " , any more than one has blue eyes for 6 years. AS is a brain

condition, we're wired differently, and that can cause not only learning

problems, but strengths as well.

Strengths -- we tend to be honest, sometimes brutally so. We don't play social

games -- I doubt you'd ever hear an Aspie say " If you loved me, you'd know what

I want for a birthday gift. " If we promise to do something, it will get done.

Weaknesses: we don't instinctively know how to do social communication -- we

have to learn, as you may learn to play piano. If we don't realize we need to

learn, and nobody helps us, we look like awkward geeks, cold and unfeeling, and

completely clueless about others. We *can* learn though.

We often have very deep feelings, but have trouble knowing how to express them.

I tend to just not share anything. My husband tends to have all negative

emotions come out as anger. Again, we can learn to deal with this.

We have different logic patterns than NT folk. We can often leap to conclusions

in odd ways -- or we need to go over every step in great detail (like I'm doing

here? Better stop.)

Jane, it might help you to find out all you can bout AS, understanding that we

are all different, nobody is a textbook case. Then talk with your husband, and

see if he would welcome therapy to learn the social skills he appears to not

have.

--Liz

[Guest guest]

Welcome.  I only figured out my husband has AS a few months ago.  (He is open to the idea, but it wouldn't change anything for him to know, he says.)  Already I feel so much better from reading books, joining groups like this, getting into therapy for myself with someone who counsels mixed couples, and then practicing what I learn with my husband.

We have been together many years and have felt very close as companions and life-partners.  But -- and you are learning the " but " 's -- the emotional differences get out of proportion when there are stresses to either or both of us.  I am working slowly on building emotional and spiritual support outside of our marriage, which relieves the stress on both of us.

Where do you live?I would love to help build/participate with a group of families on the inland side of LA so newcomers can have a support team, and so can I.  There are good groups in the west side of LA, but not close enough for those " immediate " needs that come up out of the blue.

You are not alone -- is what I really meant to say.Kathy

 

I'm new to this site having been with my partner who has aspergers for 6 years. I'm in a very lonely place and not sure how I can improve the situation. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make it bearable living with a man who has very little emotional empathy and who on occassion could live life without any conversation.