writing for the first time

[Guest guest]

I saw a therapist about 3 years ago who first told me

my mother had BPD. It's been only the past few weeks

though that I've actually started researching this. I

was prompted by some of my " nadas " latest rages at me.

(this last one she got a hold of my place of

employment and called about 20 people letting them all

know she's suing me for defamation of character. She

tells me things like she has cancer and parkinson's

and now when I call her doctors and find out she's

lying, I confront her on it but she says I'm spreading

lies about her.)

I just finished reading SWOE. When I got to the last

page,I put the book down and cried. I never knew there

was a whole world of other people like me out in the

world. Section after section described my mother -

sadly, the more extreme case of BPD i fear.

I've also just signed up for this list serve a few

days ago. I've read countless of your emails

explaining problems with you weddings, obligation of

weekly phone calls, rages, problems with siblings

becays if this, absent fathers, the list goes on. My

heart goes out to all of you because it's all things

i've been through.

I'm now 30 years old and just learning (the hard way)

about boundaries and putting down guilt for not being

the daughter my nada wants me to be- for not coming to

take care of her when she wants me to. The book helped

me give so much closure on abuse my brothers and I

suffered as children. I always thought we were just

bad kids.

this has been a very emotional few weeks for me-

grieving for the childhood I never had, the mother i

never had and now realizing I'll never have. Grieving

for the childhood my mother had that caused her to be

what she has become.

it's helping me try to forgive her though she neither

asks for it nor tries to change who she is.

it's helping me understand it's ok not to answer the

phone when she calls to scream at me, and it's mainly

helping me understand i can't change her, fix her, or

rescue her.

My husband and I would like to start a family in the

near future, and for years i've been terrified of

becoming a mother- terrified that i'll beat my

children out of anger and try to control their every

move. Reading this book has helped me so much realize

that it's not me, it's her and her disorder and that I

have hope of not becoming like her. It's so vital for

me that I stop the cycle of madness and abuse. I want

desperately to change my family tree. With a loving

husband and God's guidance, I finally think I may be

able to do this.

Thank you all for sharing your deepest pains and

thoughts. I never knew there was a world of people out

there who have gone through, and are going through

what I've felt so alone in enduring.

I still have a lot to learn and a lot of questions and

more frustrations to get through but reading your

comments and how you're handling situations has helped

me.

God bless you all!

-angela

__________________________________________________