Re: Depression...

August 17, 2009

blue, I don't remember your name, so I will use what I remember of your

screen name. It seems so fitting, if not minor compared to what you are

feeling. After reading your story, I sat here with my mouth open with

nothing coming out, just staring at my screen. Some of the things you wrote

sound like part of my life, but most of it I can't imagine going through. I

too spent a lot of my life looking for love as they say in all the wrong

places. It didn't bring me any happiness either. I found that anger, pain

and fear are actually a step up from depression. When I was at the depth of

my depression, I really felt nothing, just went through the motions. I hope

you can reach the level of acceptance I have reached, the ability to take

each problem as just another one of life's events for me. And I hope you

will find the love, the only true, pure love I have found. When it fills

the spot now filled with anger, pain and fear it enables me to live my life

and enjoy what I can and get through the parts that are certainly not

enjoyable. I hope I haven't said the wrong things. I want to come and just

give you a big hug. Love You Blue. Jan H

> I only thought I knew what depression was before this Hep C came along. My

> husband was murdered when I was 21. His body had lain out in the August sun

> for 5 days and I was forced to see the photos. To say my life spiraled down

> from that day forward is putting it mildly. I had a 16 mo. old son to live

> for and tried the best I could to continue living. For most of those years

> all I actually did was survive and suicide was never far from my heart and

> mind. I so desperatly wanted to find that love again that I ended up

> settling so many times for men and things I didn't deserve ( of course I

> didn't understand that at the time ) always thinking if I just found the

> right man the rest of my life would fall into place and yet I always felt I

> didn't deserve a good man. Then, 8 yrs.ago I went through a period of so

> many heartaches in 1 yrs. time. My last husband who I thought was finally

> THE ONE was anything but. Then my 2 1/2 mo. old grandson died, then 2 mos.

> later my mother died and a mo. after that I turned on the tv to see the

> horror that happened on 9-11. I was finally broken with no chance of repair

> in sight. I didn't think about suicide anymore because I was too depressed

> to move. Gradually I started fighting FOR my life instead of against it and

> while I was never happy again I knew that I could at least survive once

> again. BUT NOW...this life I have is not even surviving, it's just existing.

> It's as if some monster has came in and wiped my heart and soul and mind

> clean of anything but anger, pain and fear. I can't even put into words or

> get it straight in my head what is taking place. And I know, THIS is as good

> as it gets.....

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> Group Email: livercirrhosissupport

> web address:

> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/livercirrhosissupport/

>

August 17, 2009

I'm not even sure how to respond to such a sad set of circumstances, except to

suggest that you run, do not walk to the nearest therapist available.

Lots of us stupid women were always looking for love in all of the wrong places

and came out more jaded and disappointed than before. For me, I would spiral

into the depression and shortly thereafter, get mad and decide that the jackass

wasn't worth the crap I was putting myself through. After my son was born,

those " loves from the wrong places " weren't even allowed to meet him. I wasn't

looking for another asshole just to be Daddy. Then, I fell in with the worst of

the whole bunch !!!! When I ran, after over 4 years and my son was now 9, I

determined that I would do whatever it took to live alone and happy for the rest

of my life rather than attract another sicko.

Well, about 1-1/2 yrs later, I met and began dating what is now my current

husband. We have been together over 20 yrs now and almost 17 of that wedded.

Sure, it's not all a piece of cake with cherries on top; but, by far he

outshines any other man from my past and even the ones that are in my social

circle. I had learned that I had to look within myself to finally figure out

why I was picking such rotten men in my life.

By the way, my first husband is hopefully still locked up for the murder of his

" 4th " wife and I was #2 !!! I'm just so grateful that I didn't have any

children with him and we eventually broke absolutely clean.

Gloria

________________________________

I only thought I knew what depression was before this Hep C came along. My

husband was murdered when I was 21. His body had lain out in the August sun for

5 days and I was forced to see the photos. To say my life spiraled down from

that day forward is putting it mildly. I had a 16 mo. old son to live for and

tried the best I could to continue living. For most of those years all I

actually did was survive and suicide was never far from my heart and mind. I so

desperatly wanted to find that love again that I ended up settling so many times

for men and things I didn't deserve ( of course I didn't understand that at the

time ) always thinking if I just found the right man the rest of my life would

fall into place and yet I always felt I didn't deserve a good man. Then, 8

yrs.ago I went through a period of so many heartaches in 1 yrs. time. My last

husband who I thought was finally THE ONE was anything but. Then my 2 1/2 mo.

old grandson died, then 2 mos.

later my mother died and a mo. after that I turned on the tv to see the horror

that happened on 9-11. I was finally broken with no chance of repair in sight. I

didn't think about suicide anymore because I was too depressed to move.

Gradually I started fighting FOR my life instead of against it and while I was

never happy again I knew that I could at least survive once again. BUT

NOW...this life I have is not even surviving, it's just existing. It's as if

some monster has came in and wiped my heart and soul and mind clean of anything

but anger, pain and fear. I can't even put into words or get it straight in my

head what is taking place. And I know, THIS is as good as it gets.....

__________________________________________________________________

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August 17, 2009

Gloria, so happy you have had so many happy years. I have decided that my

happiness is not going to depend on a man, as I thought before, and I have

never been happier. If I were younger, I might feel differently, but at 66

and a limited income, if I were to get married, I would lose my insurance

and then I would die, so not a great choice for me. I made the mistake

about 11 years ago of moving in with a guy who seemed really great. Shortly

afterwards, I found out he was into hard core porn. He promised over and

over to quit, and I believed him over and over. Finally, when we were

talking about getting married in my church, he made his not having to quit a

condition of it. I of course couldn't live with that, and that has been the

end of our relationship. I still live in his house, but we pretty much live

separate lives except for meals. I would move if I could, but can't afford

to on $301.00 a month SS. I can't get disability as long as I live here as

they would count his income, and even with disability, I wouldn't have

enough to pay for a place by myself. But that is the circumstances around

me. It doesn't define my outlook on life. Jan H

> I'm not even sure how to respond to such a sad set of circumstances, except

> to suggest that you run, do not walk to the nearest therapist available.

>

> Lots of us stupid women were always looking for love in all of the wrong

> places and came out more jaded and disappointed than before. For me, I

> would spiral into the depression and shortly thereafter, get mad and decide

> that the jackass wasn't worth the crap I was putting myself through. After

> my son was born, those " loves from the wrong places " weren't even allowed to

> meet him. I wasn't looking for another asshole just to be Daddy. Then, I

> fell in with the worst of the whole bunch !!!! When I ran, after over 4

> years and my son was now 9, I determined that I would do whatever it took to

> live alone and happy for the rest of my life rather than attract another

> sicko.

>

> Well, about 1-1/2 yrs later, I met and began dating what is now my current

> husband. We have been together over 20 yrs now and almost 17 of that

> wedded. Sure, it's not all a piece of cake with cherries on top; but, by

> far he outshines any other man from my past and even the ones that are in my

> social circle. I had learned that I had to look within myself to finally

> figure out why I was picking such rotten men in my life.

>

> By the way, my first husband is hopefully still locked up for the murder of

> his " 4th " wife and I was #2 !!! I'm just so grateful that I didn't have any

> children with him and we eventually broke absolutely clean.

>

> Gloria

>

> ________________________________