Re: was: Parting Ways, Laurie and anger

[Guest guest]

Hi Laurie,

Firstly, thank you for your brave email, and outlining the tribulations you have had to patiently endure.

May I explain that, during the time I have been with Ian (AS) his meltdowns have been quite severe when he is frustrated or scared; they sound much like the way you describe your sons behaviour, too. Meltdowns are acknowledged to be part of the spectrum, and Ian cant prevent his, but we manage them well now. Before diagnosis, when he didnt know 'who' he was, his meltdowns came bubbling out because he was confused, didnt understand the communication breakdowns, felt let out and thwarted at all turns.

If you add to this, the sensory stimulation of noise, light, smell and babble of the crowds, Ian felt like a small animal trapped in a big whirlpool. After diagnosis, especially with the knowledge that meltdowns occur, we both had a different approach to things. I knew it wasnt personal that he directed his rage (words and shoving) at me, but I also knew that because they were caused in part by his inability to stave off frustration, or just shrug his shoulders and say 'so what' to life, that we could work out a way to make things easier for both of us.

Relaxation, decompression time for Ian, not allowing the occasional (and much rarer) meltdowns to get to me, has helped us both to alleviate the damage that prior to meltdown, would have split us up.

Ian took a while to acknowledge that his behaviour, although inevitable (you may argue) because of the AS, it wasnt (entirely) acceptable. So we allow for the meltdown - its going to happen, its his safety valve - but I know what is the usual trigger, and work round the situations that may cause one.

Ian knows and acknowledges that he cant assimiliate information in the same flippant way as I can, and I know that his brain works differently to mine, so I dont apply the same set of standards as I do for my NT friends and relatives. I am learning what is upsetting for him, strange, and what is his bugbear/s. He now communicates a lot better - I know that if he paces, mutters, and starts heating up, he is stressing himself out. And he knows that because I am there, he is safe.

The meltdowns used to upset me because he seemed to be 'absent' through them and not even realise I was there. This, he agrees, was true. The obsessive thoughts took over and he wasnt even aiming his anger at me, but at a situation he felt he had no control over.

There are people with AS who dont meltdown, but I do feel its right to acknowledge that they happen for some with AS.

I hope this helps to at least put into context that your son may not have been angry at you, per se, but letting off steam after a day or two of confusion and not knowing how else to let it out. There is also that almost futile thing of them perhaps not seeing another side of an argument, trying to be logical at all times, which leads to the instances of them insisting being right (so they hope) and that is hard (for this NT at least!) to argue against. Ian is so bewildered when he is proved wrong, he cant believe it.

I also am glad that you seem to be very philosophical about the whole thing, and you sound quite grounded. Well done to you!

With deepest respect and best wishes

Judy B x

Subject: Re: Parting WaysTo: aspires-relationships Date: Thursday, 20 May, 2010, 23:47

I know what you mean about the near impossibility of accepting when someone is gone. First, I want to send a thanks to all on this list who write with such clarity and heartfelt care. I have learned a lot by your stories. I have a 17 yr old son who was diagnosed Aspergers in the fifth grade. My husband refused to tell him the diagnosis, and asked that I not tell anyone, feeling that our son would be upset if he thought something was "wrong". To me it was no big deal, and I thought that our son would be relieved to know that just wasn't his "personality". He has had great trouble making friends, though now he has finally found the robotics team at school and lots of guys who like what he likes (computers). He's a creative kid with lots of talent and is very hardworking. Great sense of humor too. Unfortunately, he has been given to tantrums, of which I am generally the target. I have had years of problems with him hitting me, shoving

me, and husband responding in a fairly lukewarm fashion, or accusing me of provoking it. I am wondering what people's take on that is. Normally, blaming the victim is egregious, but I am feeling pretty guilty that there may have been more I could have done, though when the black moods started downhill, it seemed like a train that I couldn't stop. Not having good support or understanding, I would sometimes say things like "Stop!" which I know now are futile. I would leave & go in another room, and he would follow me, critical and nasty, once kicking a locked door open. After this, my husband would be angry at me. He can't stand to be criticized at all, and its almost like the inability to be criticized extends to our son. He is exquisitely sensitive to our son, and once said that he feels he is part of him, some boundary issues.My husband packed up and left over this last year. My son is living with him. My husband and I see a good

counselor (who understands Aspergers's) about our son who has insisted that if my son crosses a line, verbally or physically with me, he must leave my place. I have had to ask him to leave over and over, and then it's a month or more before he comes round. He is less physically abusive, but very very pointedly critical and and hurtful. My husband is supposed to facilitate, but his words are so gentle with our son that it seems the message never gets across. At the same time, after 27 years together, my husband told me he was leaving, and didn't want to discuss it. Pretty brutal. In public, at work etc., people think he is an amazingly good guy. I suspect that my husband has shadings of Aspiness himself (all sorts of tactile, sensory sensitivities, somewhat limited interests, music and computers). I believe that his mother is truly a narcissist, and see shadings of that as well, a real selfishness and inability to truly understand another

person's feelings though the words seem to be there (through all of this mess I had various illnesses which tried my patience even more, which he keeps forgetting about).I have been in despair over this situation, missing my husband and son both, but unable to let myself be in such a bad position.Thanks for letting me put this down here. It can be so complicated and confusing, a hall of mirrors for me – what behavior is Asperger's? What is just out of control? Whoever wrote the "You are standing on my foot" scenario deserves a great thanks. It was so familiar to me, revealing my husbands odd logic. "Can you please do more here to keep our son from being abusive" becomes, in his mind "She is making me feel like a failure", which leads to anger against me, diverted from our son, who generally goes about doing his thing unscathed.I tried to point this out, to hint that maybe there was Asperger's involved generationally,

but there is complete denial. My husband just ignores it. Amazingly, we used to have a great relationship – fairly non–verbal, but wonderful.Thanks all. It's been a pretty awful year for me, and I thank you all for your views and your perspective.Laurie