Re: Hi, I'm new and would like to join in the discussions- here's my story

[Guest guest]

>

> Hello,

> My name is and I am new. I have read " Walking on Eggshells "

> and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " recently. I am pretty sure my

> mother has BPD and I have been dealing with her all my life and

feel I

> have found what ails her, however, I'd really like to post my story

> and get some more insight, opinions.

>

> Thanks and nice to meet everyone.

>

Here's my story it's long but I did my best to abbreviate it. Thanks

for listening!

I introduced myself earlier but figured I'd post my story.

I am not 100% sure my mother has BPD, however in lieu of several

recent events, a social worker that worked with her on a recent

hospital stay mentioned BPD to me and so I looked it up and it really

fits. For years I have been suffering with my mother and

her " personality disorder " so it was nice to finally find something

that fit what I've been dealing with and hopefully I can get some

answers and some peace. Sadly, even thru all the books I still can't

seem to find an actual way to deal with her because her situation has

become so critical at this point and she doesn't seem to totally fit

even what other BPD people have - she's even beyond if that makes

sense and possibly something else is going on. Let me explain my

story a little and maybe some encouraging words or ideas some of you

have would help - thanks for listening! (I'll try to be as brief as I

can!!)

Let me start by saying I am 39, married with a 5 month old son. I am

not BP and neither is my husband. My mother is 63 and I am an only

child and raised by her as a single parent. She is divorced (since I

was three) and lives alone and has for a long time. We don't live in

the same state either so we are not close by. She has no friends

(she's written them all off in the last 20 years and has made no new

one's) and she has also written off her family, which is quite large.

(by written off I mean literally sending them nasty letters,

threatening to sue several of them, etc.). Her reasons are

that " everyone is horrible to her and has wronged her. " She feels

that even myself and my husband have waged a campaign against her to

everyone hates her. However, she is extremely nasty to them and they

want nothing to do with her anyway, but fails to see that it's her

actions that have driven them away. She only calls them when she

needs something, never any other time. Her parents are not alive and

her sister who was manic depressive/psychotic died 3 years ago. She

grew up in a very emotionally chaotic household and there is a lot of

manic depression on her side of the family. Anyway, I am the ONLY one

to deal with her and have my whole life pretty much. I've been more

of the mother and her the daughter. My father is not a part of my

life either so I feel I've had no support on dealing with my mother

either. For years I always did what she asked and gave in but after a

while, when I went off to college on my own, I realized I would go

crazy if I continued to always give into her. Anyway, here's the

story in a nutshell and where we are now at the end of the story.

My mother has always been extremely needy, both emotionally and

financially. When I was younger she didn't seem as bad as she is now.

She actually got worse when I went to college and even worse when I

was getting married three years ago. To the point where we really

have no relationship anymore, only occasional phone calls that end in

fights and she only calls when she wants something, usually money. I

remember her as very loving when I was growing up but also very

controlling. If I didn't do it her way, I'd have to pay for it. She

always labeled me a problem child because we didn't get along. Partly

because I always stuck up for myself and wouldn't cave into her

needs - or at least tried to not cave in. I think she wanted someone

to go along with her and agree. Really that's the only way to get

along with her is do as she asks but even then it's never good enough.

Her survival most of her life as been by always getting help

financially from family and friends. She will lie and manipulate to

get what she wants. If you say no, that's not the right answer and

she will " Draw blood " as I call it to get her way until you give in.

She used to work, even if not steady, and even has a masters degree

but whatever she has earned income wise has never been enough for the

way she lives which is beyond her means. She is extremely intelligent

too and so is very good at getting around any kind of " disorder " she

may have. She has to have the best of everything and eats every meal

out. She is also constantly in a " crisis " situation - she moves

probably every 6 mos at least and is very angry and bitter toward

almost everyone. She has Rhuemotiod Arthritis and has been on

disability for 20 years now (even though before she got really bad

she could have continued to work) and will explain more about her

disease in a bit.

Growing up we always moved. My mom was never satisfied with where we

were - house to house, city to city, school to school for me - we

never bought a house - always rented. She always changed jobs. Again

never happy with anything. We never had any money and looking back I

believe it's because she lived beyond her means. If she did have it

she spent it. She borrowed all the time from relatives, her parents

and she has an old boyfriend she borrowed from (and still does!) for

over 35 years. She has come into money before (a lot) and it's been

gone so fast - spent on shopping sprees, cars, getting her hair done,

etc. She never bought any furniture for her houses (our houses!)-

probably because it was easier to move without it. If she ever did,

we always sold it. It was a very weird way to grow up. I just thought

she was eccentric. She was also the " cool mom " all my gilfriends

could talk to her about boys, etc. She was very very pretty too. If I

ever " challenged " her on anything though I got yelled at. If I ever

suggested she buy a condo or save some money, I was told " it's not my

business. " Yet she'd call me for money all the time. Later in life

when I went out on my own to college she'd call me for money from my

student loan (I supported myself by loans and working). If I didn't

give, I'd have to pay for it with her threats. So for years I'd give

in - give her money, fly out to where she lived to help her move (I

haven't lived in the same city as her for 20 years), sit on the phone

with her for hours, night after night, several times a night going

over the latest " crisis " she had. She'd call me at work and not leave

me alone for money. She seemed to get a lot worse when I went to

college - more needy of things. I had to drop everything to give

into her or she'd threaten to disown me which being an only child

with no father figure always scared me so I always gave in. I spent

years in therapy discussing her with various therapists - not really

getting anywhere. I tried setting limits but they didn't seem to work

and I admit I have a hard time because she is also all I have family

wise (besides my husband, child and my cousins). I never could talk

with her correctly - I always got defensive and angry myself. I know

now in reading these books that's not the way. She made me doubt

myself all my life. To this day I still do. I have very low self

esteem and high anxiety because of the way I grew up with her.

Anyway besides what I just wrote my mother is EXTREMELY emotionally

abusive to me as well and that's the hardest part in all of this.

She's this way to her family, my husband, but mostly to me. Whenever

I try to discuss it or tell her how I feel all my life I've been

told " I don't want to hear it " , " you are giving me a headache " or she

will talk over me and hang up. If I write a letter, she tears it up.

I never had a voice. She calls me names, puts me down, says I am the

reason we don't get along, I am a bad daughter. She always has

some " third party endorsement " as to why I am bad too - she has all

these stories and so called " people " she runs into that she tells how

I treat her (ie don't give her what she wants is treating her bad)

and how horrible I am. She claims she didn't come to my wedding

because of " my bad behavior " . Wasn't there for me when I was pregnant

(actually had a huge crisis during the whole time which I will get to

in a minute cause it's effecting me now still), wasn't here when I

had my child and has threatened to sue me and my husband

(for " alientation of affection " and " grandparents rights " !). Joke is

I think I was a pretty good daughter. I got good grades, never lied,

had good friends, didn't drink, do drugs, etc. (btw, my mom doesn't

do drugs or drink either in case anyone asks cause people do based on

her behavior). She has told me I'd be a horrible mother (and I didn't

want to have children because of her) and many other horrible things.

She calls me names. She says my husband is a " cult leader " and I am

in a cult. (kind of funny huh?) She calls him " guard dog " and hangs

up on him when he answers the phone. We have limited her calls by

changing our phone number and she only has my cell and I am ready to

change that however I fear losing total contact with her. However all

I get is abuse. She's never met my husband and never seen her

grandchild. She again blames me and says I am married to a horrible

man (because he tries to talk rationally to her, she dislikes him and

also dislikes him cause he won't give her more money) and am keeping

her from her grandchild, however these are all her choices. I don't

prefer she's around my family but I have never told her to stay away.

That's been her choice. She just isn't the kind of mother that is

there for me.

My mother calls me several times a day and leaves me horrible msgs.

Threatens to disown me (which she now has done again- haven't talked

to her for a while), sue me or kill herself IF I don't do what she

wants - which is give her more money. It seems anytime she talks to

me she wants money and if I don't give it, I am the bad guy and a

horrible daughter. Everything with her now revolves around her money

and getting it.

Another HUGE issue is that she also has severe Rhuemotoid Arthritis

(she's had this disease about 20 years) but has refused any

medication or doctor's help. I think honestly she uses this to her

benefit to try to get what she wants. She blames me for her disease.

She uses it to try to get what she wants - she can't do... (fill in

the blank) because of her RA so therefore she needs money. Can't

cook, can't get out of her car to look for a place to live, can't get

operated on for various reasons, can't take medicine (it causes

cancer), I could go on and on. So we get nowhere. All conversations

go nowhere as there are no solutions. I am a very rational/logical

person too and it's very very frustrating for me.

That's what brings me to now and I am not sure I am doing the right

thing but I really don't know what else to do. I cannot continue to

let her emotionally drain me and my family so I've stopped talking to

her and when she is abusive I get off the phone. I am not helping her

financially because I cannot anymore. About a year ago she moved

again- then 6 mos later wanted to move back. She called me to help

her move. I said no. Of course I got yelled at, disowned, etc. So a

few months later after I am pregnant she calls me again - I tell her

I am pregnant and we have a few nice conversations until she

again " needs something. " Apparently she is now living in a hotel

cause she moved on her own and had no place to live and her ex-

boyfriend was to give her money and now didn't and she's in a hotel

and hasn't paid and is going to get kicked out. She owes them

thousands she says! I said I cannot help. So this goes on for months.

She decides to take the rest of her disability payments in ONE LUMP

SUM and get out of hotel. Ok so now she's out and has spent ALL HER

INCOME and has no where to live. She now only has a Social Security

check for the rest of her life and nothing else, period. Nice

situation. Plus she's disabled. But she has her nice car and her cell

phone. So now she's living in her car. Calls me day and night for

money. We give her some money to help her get an apt. Her relatives

give her some money (they want nothing more to do with her now as

that's the only reason she ever calls them and then is nasty to them-

same as me) also to get an apt. She gets enuf for an apt but she

doesn't use that money to get into a place to live but instead to pay

her car payments which are behind. I was livid. So this went on for

months. So I finally offer to pay a deposit to an apt but not to her

but to the place. My cousin also offered to pay her first month's

rent but again not to my mom, to the place (cause my mom would spend

it). My mom refused and had a ton of excuses why this won't work.

Anway, I get a call about 2 mos ago that she checked into a hospital

cause after living in her car she was very sick. I was HOPING someone

there would help her but the social worker I talked to said my mom

was impossible and complained all the time, refused treatment,

wouldn't eat the food, etc. That's the person that mentioned BPD to

me (don't think he mentioned it to my mom?) She is then moved into a

nursing home and calls me hysterical that she will kill herself if I

don't get her out. She has no money, we can't afford to put her in a

nice housing situation which is what she wants and she needs a nurse

to care her her now that her RA is really bad and she won't get

operated on either. She won't look into what Medicare will provide

for her. I talked to a nurse at the nursing home and my mom has a few

other housing options but my mom won't discuss with me - said it's

not my business. I have offered to help pay for housing if she got

into a situation where she was cared for but she won't. All she

wanted was for me to send her huge amounts of $$$ so she could order

food to be delivered cause the food was bad and she was wasting away

and needed her strength. Here she's in a place that provides her

meals and she won't eat them and again - my fault. But discussing her

housing situation when she has no where to live still when she gets

out of nursing home was off limits for me. Anyway now she said she

will never speak to me again - I have no idea what's going on with

her as she has no where to go when she gets out but she lies to all

these places she's at and tells them she does - I have called a few

times to talk to her doctors, etc. and she won't give me permission

now so it's a dead end. I feel so guilty as I don't want anything to

happen to her but I don't know how to help her anymore and she's

draining me so much emotionally and I feel so angry over it all.

It's all about her needs and her crisis situations and I don't know

how to help anymore. I feel guilty too cause I COULD have her come

live with us but I won't do that to me or my family and also my

husband refuses (she's told him " he's better off dead " ) and I don't

want her around me or my son as she's abusive. Plus we cannot take

care of her. I would probably go insane. I can't help her financially

cause I don't have the money for what she thinks she needs (to live

on her own in a nice townhome or house in the LA area). She won't

live within her means, get the opearations, get a job if she does or

even look into assisted living of any kind. I don't know how to help

her. No one does and no one else wants anything to do with her

anymore. No one can deal with her abuse or keep giving her money

because it doesn't help.

So that's where I am now. I still harbor extreme guilt. I don't have

normal conversations with her when she is talking to me. She only

calls to either yell at me, leave me nasty msgs or demand money. I

should also mention she also calls my friends and even my husband's

partner and tells them horrible things about me, him, etc. Everyone

tells me to just never talk to her again after the way she treats me

but that's hard as she's my mom and I want her to be ok but I don't

know how?

I know she is not my responsiblity and she needs to figure out how to

live on her own but I fear she never will.

I just need to know I am doing the right thing in getting her out of

my life and it's very hard. If you have another suggestion I would

love to hear it. I hope I have explained things well enuf. I know I

have left a lot out cause the extent of her cruelty and emotional

issues are huge. My therapist says she's never seen anyone like my

mother!

Anyway, thanks for listening and hope this wasn't too long of a

story. Am glad i found this site!

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the site. I can relate to much of what you talk about. I

am sorry you are going throught this. My mom to has taken me to

court for grandparents rights and that was probly the hardest thing

that has ever happened to me. You know I am glad you found this site

to and I hope you will find the comfort here that you are seeking.

Try not to feel guilty. Nobody can force your mom to eat or accept

the help that people try to give her. That is only up to her. You

are not her savior. It sounds like right now you should focus on

your baby and husband, because if it were up to your mom she could

more than likely spend all your money and all the incomes of all the

other family members as well. You do what you can and then there

comes that time where it is best to walk away and release yourself.

> >

> > Hello,

> > My name is and I am new. I have read " Walking on

Eggshells "

> > and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " recently. I am pretty sure

my

> > mother has BPD and I have been dealing with her all my life and

> feel I

> > have found what ails her, however, I'd really like to post my

story

> > and get some more insight, opinions.

> >

> > Thanks and nice to meet everyone.

> >

>

> Here's my story it's long but I did my best to abbreviate it.

Thanks

> for listening!

>

> I introduced myself earlier but figured I'd post my story.

>

> I am not 100% sure my mother has BPD, however in lieu of several

> recent events, a social worker that worked with her on a recent

> hospital stay mentioned BPD to me and so I looked it up and it

really

> fits. For years I have been suffering with my mother and

> her " personality disorder " so it was nice to finally find

something

> that fit what I've been dealing with and hopefully I can get some

> answers and some peace. Sadly, even thru all the books I still

can't

> seem to find an actual way to deal with her because her situation

has

> become so critical at this point and she doesn't seem to totally

fit

> even what other BPD people have - she's even beyond if that makes

> sense and possibly something else is going on. Let me explain my

> story a little and maybe some encouraging words or ideas some of

you

> have would help - thanks for listening! (I'll try to be as brief

as I

> can!!)

>

> Let me start by saying I am 39, married with a 5 month old son. I

am

> not BP and neither is my husband. My mother is 63 and I am an only

> child and raised by her as a single parent. She is divorced

(since I

> was three) and lives alone and has for a long time. We don't live

in

> the same state either so we are not close by. She has no friends

> (she's written them all off in the last 20 years and has made no

new

> one's) and she has also written off her family, which is quite

large.

> (by written off I mean literally sending them nasty letters,

> threatening to sue several of them, etc.). Her reasons are

> that " everyone is horrible to her and has wronged her. " She feels

> that even myself and my husband have waged a campaign against her

to

> everyone hates her. However, she is extremely nasty to them and

they

> want nothing to do with her anyway, but fails to see that it's her

> actions that have driven them away. She only calls them when she

> needs something, never any other time. Her parents are not alive

and

> her sister who was manic depressive/psychotic died 3 years ago.

She

> grew up in a very emotionally chaotic household and there is a lot

of

> manic depression on her side of the family. Anyway, I am the ONLY

one

> to deal with her and have my whole life pretty much. I've been

more

> of the mother and her the daughter. My father is not a part of my

> life either so I feel I've had no support on dealing with my

mother

> either. For years I always did what she asked and gave in but

after a

> while, when I went off to college on my own, I realized I would go

> crazy if I continued to always give into her. Anyway, here's the

> story in a nutshell and where we are now at the end of the story.

>

> My mother has always been extremely needy, both emotionally and

> financially. When I was younger she didn't seem as bad as she is

now.

> She actually got worse when I went to college and even worse when

I

> was getting married three years ago. To the point where we really

> have no relationship anymore, only occasional phone calls that end

in

> fights and she only calls when she wants something, usually money.

I

> remember her as very loving when I was growing up but also very

> controlling. If I didn't do it her way, I'd have to pay for it.

She

> always labeled me a problem child because we didn't get along.

Partly

> because I always stuck up for myself and wouldn't cave into her

> needs - or at least tried to not cave in. I think she wanted

someone

> to go along with her and agree. Really that's the only way to get

> along with her is do as she asks but even then it's never good

enough.

>

> Her survival most of her life as been by always getting help

> financially from family and friends. She will lie and manipulate

to

> get what she wants. If you say no, that's not the right answer and

> she will " Draw blood " as I call it to get her way until you give

in.

> She used to work, even if not steady, and even has a masters

degree

> but whatever she has earned income wise has never been enough for

the

> way she lives which is beyond her means. She is extremely

intelligent

> too and so is very good at getting around any kind of " disorder "

she

> may have. She has to have the best of everything and eats every

meal

> out. She is also constantly in a " crisis " situation - she moves

> probably every 6 mos at least and is very angry and bitter toward

> almost everyone. She has Rhuemotiod Arthritis and has been on

> disability for 20 years now (even though before she got really bad

> she could have continued to work) and will explain more about her

> disease in a bit.

>

> Growing up we always moved. My mom was never satisfied with where

we

> were - house to house, city to city, school to school for me - we

> never bought a house - always rented. She always changed jobs.

Again

> never happy with anything. We never had any money and looking back

I

> believe it's because she lived beyond her means. If she did have

it

> she spent it. She borrowed all the time from relatives, her

parents

> and she has an old boyfriend she borrowed from (and still does!)

for

> over 35 years. She has come into money before (a lot) and it's

been

> gone so fast - spent on shopping sprees, cars, getting her hair

done,

> etc. She never bought any furniture for her houses (our houses!)-

> probably because it was easier to move without it. If she ever

did,

> we always sold it. It was a very weird way to grow up. I just

thought

> she was eccentric. She was also the " cool mom " all my gilfriends

> could talk to her about boys, etc. She was very very pretty too.

If I

> ever " challenged " her on anything though I got yelled at. If I

ever

> suggested she buy a condo or save some money, I was told " it's not

my

> business. " Yet she'd call me for money all the time. Later in life

> when I went out on my own to college she'd call me for money from

my

> student loan (I supported myself by loans and working). If I

didn't

> give, I'd have to pay for it with her threats. So for years I'd

give

> in - give her money, fly out to where she lived to help her move

(I

> haven't lived in the same city as her for 20 years), sit on the

phone

> with her for hours, night after night, several times a night going

> over the latest " crisis " she had. She'd call me at work and not

leave

> me alone for money. She seemed to get a lot worse when I went to

> college - more needy of things. I had to drop everything to give

> into her or she'd threaten to disown me which being an only child

> with no father figure always scared me so I always gave in. I

spent

> years in therapy discussing her with various therapists - not

really

> getting anywhere. I tried setting limits but they didn't seem to

work

> and I admit I have a hard time because she is also all I have

family

> wise (besides my husband, child and my cousins). I never could

talk

> with her correctly - I always got defensive and angry myself. I

know

> now in reading these books that's not the way. She made me doubt

> myself all my life. To this day I still do. I have very low self

> esteem and high anxiety because of the way I grew up with her.

>

> Anyway besides what I just wrote my mother is EXTREMELY

emotionally

> abusive to me as well and that's the hardest part in all of this.

> She's this way to her family, my husband, but mostly to me.

Whenever

> I try to discuss it or tell her how I feel all my life I've been

> told " I don't want to hear it " , " you are giving me a headache " or

she

> will talk over me and hang up. If I write a letter, she tears it

up.

> I never had a voice. She calls me names, puts me down, says I am

the

> reason we don't get along, I am a bad daughter. She always has

> some " third party endorsement " as to why I am bad too - she has

all

> these stories and so called " people " she runs into that she tells

how

> I treat her (ie don't give her what she wants is treating her bad)

> and how horrible I am. She claims she didn't come to my wedding

> because of " my bad behavior " . Wasn't there for me when I was

pregnant

> (actually had a huge crisis during the whole time which I will get

to

> in a minute cause it's effecting me now still), wasn't here when I

> had my child and has threatened to sue me and my husband

> (for " alientation of affection " and " grandparents rights " !). Joke

is

> I think I was a pretty good daughter. I got good grades, never

lied,

> had good friends, didn't drink, do drugs, etc. (btw, my mom

doesn't

> do drugs or drink either in case anyone asks cause people do based

on

> her behavior). She has told me I'd be a horrible mother (and I

didn't

> want to have children because of her) and many other horrible

things.

> She calls me names. She says my husband is a " cult leader " and I

am

> in a cult. (kind of funny huh?) She calls him " guard dog " and

hangs

> up on him when he answers the phone. We have limited her calls by

> changing our phone number and she only has my cell and I am ready

to

> change that however I fear losing total contact with her. However

all

> I get is abuse. She's never met my husband and never seen her

> grandchild. She again blames me and says I am married to a

horrible

> man (because he tries to talk rationally to her, she dislikes him

and

> also dislikes him cause he won't give her more money) and am

keeping

> her from her grandchild, however these are all her choices. I

don't

> prefer she's around my family but I have never told her to stay

away.

> That's been her choice. She just isn't the kind of mother that is

> there for me.

>

> My mother calls me several times a day and leaves me horrible

msgs.

> Threatens to disown me (which she now has done again- haven't

talked

> to her for a while), sue me or kill herself IF I don't do what she

> wants - which is give her more money. It seems anytime she talks

to

> me she wants money and if I don't give it, I am the bad guy and a

> horrible daughter. Everything with her now revolves around her

money

> and getting it.

>

> Another HUGE issue is that she also has severe Rhuemotoid

Arthritis

> (she's had this disease about 20 years) but has refused any

> medication or doctor's help. I think honestly she uses this to her

> benefit to try to get what she wants. She blames me for her

disease.

> She uses it to try to get what she wants - she can't do... (fill

in

> the blank) because of her RA so therefore she needs money. Can't

> cook, can't get out of her car to look for a place to live, can't

get

> operated on for various reasons, can't take medicine (it causes

> cancer), I could go on and on. So we get nowhere. All

conversations

> go nowhere as there are no solutions. I am a very rational/logical

> person too and it's very very frustrating for me.

>

> That's what brings me to now and I am not sure I am doing the

right

> thing but I really don't know what else to do. I cannot continue

to

> let her emotionally drain me and my family so I've stopped talking

to

> her and when she is abusive I get off the phone. I am not helping

her

> financially because I cannot anymore. About a year ago she moved

> again- then 6 mos later wanted to move back. She called me to help

> her move. I said no. Of course I got yelled at, disowned, etc. So

a

> few months later after I am pregnant she calls me again - I tell

her

> I am pregnant and we have a few nice conversations until she

> again " needs something. " Apparently she is now living in a hotel

> cause she moved on her own and had no place to live and her ex-

> boyfriend was to give her money and now didn't and she's in a

hotel

> and hasn't paid and is going to get kicked out. She owes them

> thousands she says! I said I cannot help. So this goes on for

months.

> She decides to take the rest of her disability payments in ONE

LUMP

> SUM and get out of hotel. Ok so now she's out and has spent ALL

HER

> INCOME and has no where to live. She now only has a Social

Security

> check for the rest of her life and nothing else, period. Nice

> situation. Plus she's disabled. But she has her nice car and her

cell

> phone. So now she's living in her car. Calls me day and night for

> money. We give her some money to help her get an apt. Her

relatives

> give her some money (they want nothing more to do with her now as

> that's the only reason she ever calls them and then is nasty to

them-

> same as me) also to get an apt. She gets enuf for an apt but she

> doesn't use that money to get into a place to live but instead to

pay

> her car payments which are behind. I was livid. So this went on

for

> months. So I finally offer to pay a deposit to an apt but not to

her

> but to the place. My cousin also offered to pay her first month's

> rent but again not to my mom, to the place (cause my mom would

spend

> it). My mom refused and had a ton of excuses why this won't work.

> Anway, I get a call about 2 mos ago that she checked into a

hospital

> cause after living in her car she was very sick. I was HOPING

someone

> there would help her but the social worker I talked to said my mom

> was impossible and complained all the time, refused treatment,

> wouldn't eat the food, etc. That's the person that mentioned BPD

to

> me (don't think he mentioned it to my mom?) She is then moved into

a

> nursing home and calls me hysterical that she will kill herself if

I

> don't get her out. She has no money, we can't afford to put her in

a

> nice housing situation which is what she wants and she needs a

nurse

> to care her her now that her RA is really bad and she won't get

> operated on either. She won't look into what Medicare will provide

> for her. I talked to a nurse at the nursing home and my mom has a

few

> other housing options but my mom won't discuss with me - said it's

> not my business. I have offered to help pay for housing if she

got

> into a situation where she was cared for but she won't. All she

> wanted was for me to send her huge amounts of $$$ so she could

order

> food to be delivered cause the food was bad and she was wasting

away

> and needed her strength. Here she's in a place that provides her

> meals and she won't eat them and again - my fault. But discussing

her

> housing situation when she has no where to live still when she

gets

> out of nursing home was off limits for me. Anyway now she said she

> will never speak to me again - I have no idea what's going on with

> her as she has no where to go when she gets out but she lies to

all

> these places she's at and tells them she does - I have called a

few

> times to talk to her doctors, etc. and she won't give me

permission

> now so it's a dead end. I feel so guilty as I don't want anything

to

> happen to her but I don't know how to help her anymore and she's

> draining me so much emotionally and I feel so angry over it all.

> It's all about her needs and her crisis situations and I don't

know

> how to help anymore. I feel guilty too cause I COULD have her come

> live with us but I won't do that to me or my family and also my

> husband refuses (she's told him " he's better off dead " ) and I

don't

> want her around me or my son as she's abusive. Plus we cannot take

> care of her. I would probably go insane. I can't help her

financially

> cause I don't have the money for what she thinks she needs (to

live

> on her own in a nice townhome or house in the LA area). She won't

> live within her means, get the opearations, get a job if she does

or

> even look into assisted living of any kind. I don't know how to

help

> her. No one does and no one else wants anything to do with her

> anymore. No one can deal with her abuse or keep giving her money

> because it doesn't help.

>

> So that's where I am now. I still harbor extreme guilt. I don't

have

> normal conversations with her when she is talking to me. She only

> calls to either yell at me, leave me nasty msgs or demand money. I

> should also mention she also calls my friends and even my

husband's

> partner and tells them horrible things about me, him, etc.

Everyone

> tells me to just never talk to her again after the way she treats

me

> but that's hard as she's my mom and I want her to be ok but I

don't

> know how?

>

> I know she is not my responsiblity and she needs to figure out how

to

> live on her own but I fear she never will.

>

> I just need to know I am doing the right thing in getting her out

of

> my life and it's very hard. If you have another suggestion I would

> love to hear it. I hope I have explained things well enuf. I know

I

> have left a lot out cause the extent of her cruelty and emotional

> issues are huge. My therapist says she's never seen anyone like my

> mother!

>

> Anyway, thanks for listening and hope this wasn't too long of a

> story. Am glad i found this site!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Mandy,

I will get the Borderline Mother book - thanks. I actually read a bit

about the types in one of the other books - my mom is definately

close to a Queen (she has a sense of entitlement). Does what I wrote

sound like she has BPD? I think so but maybe more extreme or mixed

with something? Her sister was manic depressive. Anyway, like you

I've gone for months without talking to my mom (however she's the one

that imposes that not me and maybe I should be the one) and then

she'll call again and just say " let's be friends " - never is sorry or

feels bad though. She will never, like your mom, tell me she's failed

me or has done anything wrong. She waits for me to get counseling to

work on my " bad behavior " as she calls it. She says until me, her and

now my poor husband get counseling there will be no relationship. She

doesn't live near me but if she did I'd welcome the couseling for

hope she'd get help. I should be the one to tell her I am taking a

break until she gets her life together and learns how to talk nicely

to me and my family. Anyway, I know I should let her make her own

choices and live with them and not feel responsible it's just hard

because I didn't talk to her for a few mos when I was pregnant last

year and she was living in her car and when I did finally talk to her

to tell her I had my baby she was STILL living in the car - I

couldn't believe it. If left alone, she still can't survive. I just

fear she will die and the guilt I will feel for not letting her live

with me or sending more $$$ - although in reality I know both choices

are not good, helpful one's. So it's just hard, ya know?

I hope your mom will read the books you mentioned. I feel like

sending my mom the books too but I am sure she won't read them.

Thanks again Mandy - am glad I found this group too. I often just

feel so alone in all this and no one really gets it.

> > >

> > > Hello,

> > > My name is and I am new. I have read " Walking on

> Eggshells "

> > > and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " recently. I am pretty sure

> my

> > > mother has BPD and I have been dealing with her all my life and

> > feel I

> > > have found what ails her, however, I'd really like to post my

> story

> > > and get some more insight, opinions.

> > >

> > > Thanks and nice to meet everyone.

> > >

> >

> > Here's my story it's long but I did my best to abbreviate it.

> Thanks

> > for listening!

> >

> > I introduced myself earlier but figured I'd post my story.

> >

> > I am not 100% sure my mother has BPD, however in lieu of several

> > recent events, a social worker that worked with her on a recent

> > hospital stay mentioned BPD to me and so I looked it up and it

> really

> > fits. For years I have been suffering with my mother and

> > her " personality disorder " so it was nice to finally find

> something

> > that fit what I've been dealing with and hopefully I can get some

> > answers and some peace. Sadly, even thru all the books I still

> can't

> > seem to find an actual way to deal with her because her situation

> has

> > become so critical at this point and she doesn't seem to totally

> fit

> > even what other BPD people have - she's even beyond if that makes

> > sense and possibly something else is going on. Let me explain my

> > story a little and maybe some encouraging words or ideas some of

> you

> > have would help - thanks for listening! (I'll try to be as brief

> as I

> > can!!)

> >

> > Let me start by saying I am 39, married with a 5 month old son. I

> am

> > not BP and neither is my husband. My mother is 63 and I am an

only

> > child and raised by her as a single parent. She is divorced

> (since I

> > was three) and lives alone and has for a long time. We don't live

> in

> > the same state either so we are not close by. She has no friends

> > (she's written them all off in the last 20 years and has made no

> new

> > one's) and she has also written off her family, which is quite

> large.

> > (by written off I mean literally sending them nasty letters,

> > threatening to sue several of them, etc.). Her reasons are

> > that " everyone is horrible to her and has wronged her. " She feels

> > that even myself and my husband have waged a campaign against her

> to

> > everyone hates her. However, she is extremely nasty to them and

> they

> > want nothing to do with her anyway, but fails to see that it's

her

> > actions that have driven them away. She only calls them when she

> > needs something, never any other time. Her parents are not alive

> and

> > her sister who was manic depressive/psychotic died 3 years ago.

> She

> > grew up in a very emotionally chaotic household and there is a

lot

> of

> > manic depression on her side of the family. Anyway, I am the ONLY

> one

> > to deal with her and have my whole life pretty much. I've been

> more

> > of the mother and her the daughter. My father is not a part of my

> > life either so I feel I've had no support on dealing with my

> mother

> > either. For years I always did what she asked and gave in but

> after a

> > while, when I went off to college on my own, I realized I would

go

> > crazy if I continued to always give into her. Anyway, here's the

> > story in a nutshell and where we are now at the end of the story.

> >

> > My mother has always been extremely needy, both emotionally and

> > financially. When I was younger she didn't seem as bad as she is

> now.

> > She actually got worse when I went to college and even worse when

> I

> > was getting married three years ago. To the point where we really

> > have no relationship anymore, only occasional phone calls that

end

> in

> > fights and she only calls when she wants something, usually

money.

> I

> > remember her as very loving when I was growing up but also very

> > controlling. If I didn't do it her way, I'd have to pay for it.

> She

> > always labeled me a problem child because we didn't get along.

> Partly

> > because I always stuck up for myself and wouldn't cave into her

> > needs - or at least tried to not cave in. I think she wanted

> someone

> > to go along with her and agree. Really that's the only way to get

> > along with her is do as she asks but even then it's never good

> enough.

> >

> > Her survival most of her life as been by always getting help

> > financially from family and friends. She will lie and manipulate

> to

> > get what she wants. If you say no, that's not the right answer

and

> > she will " Draw blood " as I call it to get her way until you give

> in.

> > She used to work, even if not steady, and even has a masters

> degree

> > but whatever she has earned income wise has never been enough for

> the

> > way she lives which is beyond her means. She is extremely

> intelligent

> > too and so is very good at getting around any kind of " disorder "

> she

> > may have. She has to have the best of everything and eats every

> meal

> > out. She is also constantly in a " crisis " situation - she moves

> > probably every 6 mos at least and is very angry and bitter toward

> > almost everyone. She has Rhuemotiod Arthritis and has been on

> > disability for 20 years now (even though before she got really

bad

> > she could have continued to work) and will explain more about her

> > disease in a bit.

> >

> > Growing up we always moved. My mom was never satisfied with where

> we

> > were - house to house, city to city, school to school for me - we

> > never bought a house - always rented. She always changed jobs.

> Again

> > never happy with anything. We never had any money and looking

back

> I

> > believe it's because she lived beyond her means. If she did have

> it

> > she spent it. She borrowed all the time from relatives, her

> parents

> > and she has an old boyfriend she borrowed from (and still does!)

> for

> > over 35 years. She has come into money before (a lot) and it's

> been

> > gone so fast - spent on shopping sprees, cars, getting her hair

> done,

> > etc. She never bought any furniture for her houses (our houses!)-

> > probably because it was easier to move without it. If she ever

> did,

> > we always sold it. It was a very weird way to grow up. I just

> thought

> > she was eccentric. She was also the " cool mom " all my gilfriends

> > could talk to her about boys, etc. She was very very pretty too.

> If I

> > ever " challenged " her on anything though I got yelled at. If I

> ever

> > suggested she buy a condo or save some money, I was told " it's

not

> my

> > business. " Yet she'd call me for money all the time. Later in

life

> > when I went out on my own to college she'd call me for money from

> my

> > student loan (I supported myself by loans and working). If I

> didn't

> > give, I'd have to pay for it with her threats. So for years I'd

> give

> > in - give her money, fly out to where she lived to help her move

> (I

> > haven't lived in the same city as her for 20 years), sit on the

> phone

> > with her for hours, night after night, several times a night

going

> > over the latest " crisis " she had. She'd call me at work and not

> leave

> > me alone for money. She seemed to get a lot worse when I went to

> > college - more needy of things. I had to drop everything to give

> > into her or she'd threaten to disown me which being an only child

> > with no father figure always scared me so I always gave in. I

> spent

> > years in therapy discussing her with various therapists - not

> really

> > getting anywhere. I tried setting limits but they didn't seem to

> work

> > and I admit I have a hard time because she is also all I have

> family

> > wise (besides my husband, child and my cousins). I never could

> talk

> > with her correctly - I always got defensive and angry myself. I

> know

> > now in reading these books that's not the way. She made me doubt

> > myself all my life. To this day I still do. I have very low self

> > esteem and high anxiety because of the way I grew up with her.

> >

> > Anyway besides what I just wrote my mother is EXTREMELY

> emotionally

> > abusive to me as well and that's the hardest part in all of this.

> > She's this way to her family, my husband, but mostly to me.

> Whenever

> > I try to discuss it or tell her how I feel all my life I've been

> > told " I don't want to hear it " , " you are giving me a headache " or

> she

> > will talk over me and hang up. If I write a letter, she tears it

> up.

> > I never had a voice. She calls me names, puts me down, says I am

> the

> > reason we don't get along, I am a bad daughter. She always has

> > some " third party endorsement " as to why I am bad too - she has

> all

> > these stories and so called " people " she runs into that she tells

> how

> > I treat her (ie don't give her what she wants is treating her

bad)

> > and how horrible I am. She claims she didn't come to my wedding

> > because of " my bad behavior " . Wasn't there for me when I was

> pregnant

> > (actually had a huge crisis during the whole time which I will

get

> to

> > in a minute cause it's effecting me now still), wasn't here when

I

> > had my child and has threatened to sue me and my husband

> > (for " alientation of affection " and " grandparents rights " !). Joke

> is

> > I think I was a pretty good daughter. I got good grades, never

> lied,

> > had good friends, didn't drink, do drugs, etc. (btw, my mom

> doesn't

> > do drugs or drink either in case anyone asks cause people do

based

> on

> > her behavior). She has told me I'd be a horrible mother (and I

> didn't

> > want to have children because of her) and many other horrible

> things.

> > She calls me names. She says my husband is a " cult leader " and I

> am

> > in a cult. (kind of funny huh?) She calls him " guard dog " and

> hangs

> > up on him when he answers the phone. We have limited her calls

by

> > changing our phone number and she only has my cell and I am ready

> to

> > change that however I fear losing total contact with her. However

> all

> > I get is abuse. She's never met my husband and never seen her

> > grandchild. She again blames me and says I am married to a

> horrible

> > man (because he tries to talk rationally to her, she dislikes him

> and

> > also dislikes him cause he won't give her more money) and am

> keeping

> > her from her grandchild, however these are all her choices. I

> don't

> > prefer she's around my family but I have never told her to stay

> away.

> > That's been her choice. She just isn't the kind of mother that is

> > there for me.

> >

> > My mother calls me several times a day and leaves me horrible

> msgs.

> > Threatens to disown me (which she now has done again- haven't

> talked

> > to her for a while), sue me or kill herself IF I don't do what

she

> > wants - which is give her more money. It seems anytime she talks

> to

> > me she wants money and if I don't give it, I am the bad guy and a

> > horrible daughter. Everything with her now revolves around her

> money

> > and getting it.

> >

> > Another HUGE issue is that she also has severe Rhuemotoid

> Arthritis

> > (she's had this disease about 20 years) but has refused any

> > medication or doctor's help. I think honestly she uses this to

her

> > benefit to try to get what she wants. She blames me for her

> disease.

> > She uses it to try to get what she wants - she can't do... (fill

> in

> > the blank) because of her RA so therefore she needs money. Can't

> > cook, can't get out of her car to look for a place to live, can't

> get

> > operated on for various reasons, can't take medicine (it causes

> > cancer), I could go on and on. So we get nowhere. All

> conversations

> > go nowhere as there are no solutions. I am a very

rational/logical

> > person too and it's very very frustrating for me.

> >

> > That's what brings me to now and I am not sure I am doing the

> right

> > thing but I really don't know what else to do. I cannot continue

> to

> > let her emotionally drain me and my family so I've stopped

talking

> to

> > her and when she is abusive I get off the phone. I am not helping

> her

> > financially because I cannot anymore. About a year ago she moved

> > again- then 6 mos later wanted to move back. She called me to

help

> > her move. I said no. Of course I got yelled at, disowned, etc. So

> a

> > few months later after I am pregnant she calls me again - I tell

> her

> > I am pregnant and we have a few nice conversations until she

> > again " needs something. " Apparently she is now living in a hotel

> > cause she moved on her own and had no place to live and her ex-

> > boyfriend was to give her money and now didn't and she's in a

> hotel

> > and hasn't paid and is going to get kicked out. She owes them

> > thousands she says! I said I cannot help. So this goes on for

> months.

> > She decides to take the rest of her disability payments in ONE

> LUMP

> > SUM and get out of hotel. Ok so now she's out and has spent ALL

> HER

> > INCOME and has no where to live. She now only has a Social

> Security

> > check for the rest of her life and nothing else, period. Nice

> > situation. Plus she's disabled. But she has her nice car and her

> cell

> > phone. So now she's living in her car. Calls me day and night for

> > money. We give her some money to help her get an apt. Her

> relatives

> > give her some money (they want nothing more to do with her now as

> > that's the only reason she ever calls them and then is nasty to

> them-

> > same as me) also to get an apt. She gets enuf for an apt but she

> > doesn't use that money to get into a place to live but instead to

> pay

> > her car payments which are behind. I was livid. So this went on

> for

> > months. So I finally offer to pay a deposit to an apt but not to

> her

> > but to the place. My cousin also offered to pay her first month's

> > rent but again not to my mom, to the place (cause my mom would

> spend

> > it). My mom refused and had a ton of excuses why this won't work.

> > Anway, I get a call about 2 mos ago that she checked into a

> hospital

> > cause after living in her car she was very sick. I was HOPING

> someone

> > there would help her but the social worker I talked to said my

mom

> > was impossible and complained all the time, refused treatment,

> > wouldn't eat the food, etc. That's the person that mentioned BPD

> to

> > me (don't think he mentioned it to my mom?) She is then moved

into

> a

> > nursing home and calls me hysterical that she will kill herself

if

> I

> > don't get her out. She has no money, we can't afford to put her

in

> a

> > nice housing situation which is what she wants and she needs a

> nurse

> > to care her her now that her RA is really bad and she won't get

> > operated on either. She won't look into what Medicare will

provide

> > for her. I talked to a nurse at the nursing home and my mom has a

> few

> > other housing options but my mom won't discuss with me - said

it's

> > not my business. I have offered to help pay for housing if she

> got

> > into a situation where she was cared for but she won't. All she

> > wanted was for me to send her huge amounts of $$$ so she could

> order

> > food to be delivered cause the food was bad and she was wasting

> away

> > and needed her strength. Here she's in a place that provides her

> > meals and she won't eat them and again - my fault. But discussing

> her

> > housing situation when she has no where to live still when she

> gets

> > out of nursing home was off limits for me. Anyway now she said

she

> > will never speak to me again - I have no idea what's going on

with

> > her as she has no where to go when she gets out but she lies to

> all

> > these places she's at and tells them she does - I have called a

> few

> > times to talk to her doctors, etc. and she won't give me

> permission

> > now so it's a dead end. I feel so guilty as I don't want anything

> to

> > happen to her but I don't know how to help her anymore and she's

> > draining me so much emotionally and I feel so angry over it all.

> > It's all about her needs and her crisis situations and I don't

> know

> > how to help anymore. I feel guilty too cause I COULD have her

come

> > live with us but I won't do that to me or my family and also my

> > husband refuses (she's told him " he's better off dead " ) and I

> don't

> > want her around me or my son as she's abusive. Plus we cannot

take

> > care of her. I would probably go insane. I can't help her

> financially

> > cause I don't have the money for what she thinks she needs (to

> live

> > on her own in a nice townhome or house in the LA area). She won't

> > live within her means, get the opearations, get a job if she does

> or

> > even look into assisted living of any kind. I don't know how to

> help

> > her. No one does and no one else wants anything to do with her

> > anymore. No one can deal with her abuse or keep giving her money

> > because it doesn't help.

> >

> > So that's where I am now. I still harbor extreme guilt. I don't

> have

> > normal conversations with her when she is talking to me. She only

> > calls to either yell at me, leave me nasty msgs or demand money.

I

> > should also mention she also calls my friends and even my

> husband's

> > partner and tells them horrible things about me, him, etc.

> Everyone

> > tells me to just never talk to her again after the way she treats

> me

> > but that's hard as she's my mom and I want her to be ok but I

> don't

> > know how?

> >

> > I know she is not my responsiblity and she needs to figure out

how

> to

> > live on her own but I fear she never will.

> >

> > I just need to know I am doing the right thing in getting her out

> of

> > my life and it's very hard. If you have another suggestion I

would

> > love to hear it. I hope I have explained things well enuf. I know

> I

> > have left a lot out cause the extent of her cruelty and emotional

> > issues are huge. My therapist says she's never seen anyone like

my

> > mother!

> >

> > Anyway, thanks for listening and hope this wasn't too long of a

> > story. Am glad i found this site!

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lizzy,

Thanks for the support. I didn't think there were grandparent rights?

When I looked it up it said that a grandparent only had rights if the

parent was unable to care for child (ie drugs, alcohol, a death,

etc.). I don't know though but I highly doubt any court would grant

my mother rights. We have saved a lot of her nasty msgs on tapes just

in case we need them though. Did your mom get rights?

I agree no one can force my mom to eat (she has three meals a day

provided to her and paid for but they are not good enuf for her) She

called me about 2 weeks ago saying she's 85lbs and it's " my fault " .

(I sure am blamed for all that's wrong in her life!) I honestly would

like to walk away because I don't feel there is any hope until she

gets some help but I just fear she will die or something will happen.

I also cannot continue to have the screaming matches on the phone,

the hanging up, the name calling, etc. I refuse to let my child be

around that either. I grew up in it, my mom grew up in it but it

stops there as far as I am concerned.

> > >

> > > Hello,

> > > My name is and I am new. I have read " Walking on

> Eggshells "

> > > and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " recently. I am pretty sure

> my

> > > mother has BPD and I have been dealing with her all my life and

> > feel I

> > > have found what ails her, however, I'd really like to post my

> story

> > > and get some more insight, opinions.

> > >

> > > Thanks and nice to meet everyone.

> > >

> >

> > Here's my story it's long but I did my best to abbreviate it.

> Thanks

> > for listening!

> >

> > I introduced myself earlier but figured I'd post my story.

> >

> > I am not 100% sure my mother has BPD, however in lieu of several

> > recent events, a social worker that worked with her on a recent

> > hospital stay mentioned BPD to me and so I looked it up and it

> really

> > fits. For years I have been suffering with my mother and

> > her " personality disorder " so it was nice to finally find

> something

> > that fit what I've been dealing with and hopefully I can get some

> > answers and some peace. Sadly, even thru all the books I still

> can't

> > seem to find an actual way to deal with her because her situation

> has

> > become so critical at this point and she doesn't seem to totally

> fit

> > even what other BPD people have - she's even beyond if that makes

> > sense and possibly something else is going on. Let me explain my

> > story a little and maybe some encouraging words or ideas some of

> you

> > have would help - thanks for listening! (I'll try to be as brief

> as I

> > can!!)

> >

> > Let me start by saying I am 39, married with a 5 month old son. I

> am

> > not BP and neither is my husband. My mother is 63 and I am an

only

> > child and raised by her as a single parent. She is divorced

> (since I

> > was three) and lives alone and has for a long time. We don't live

> in

> > the same state either so we are not close by. She has no friends

> > (she's written them all off in the last 20 years and has made no

> new

> > one's) and she has also written off her family, which is quite

> large.

> > (by written off I mean literally sending them nasty letters,

> > threatening to sue several of them, etc.). Her reasons are

> > that " everyone is horrible to her and has wronged her. " She feels

> > that even myself and my husband have waged a campaign against her

> to

> > everyone hates her. However, she is extremely nasty to them and

> they

> > want nothing to do with her anyway, but fails to see that it's

her

> > actions that have driven them away. She only calls them when she

> > needs something, never any other time. Her parents are not alive

> and

> > her sister who was manic depressive/psychotic died 3 years ago.

> She

> > grew up in a very emotionally chaotic household and there is a

lot

> of

> > manic depression on her side of the family. Anyway, I am the ONLY

> one

> > to deal with her and have my whole life pretty much. I've been

> more

> > of the mother and her the daughter. My father is not a part of my

> > life either so I feel I've had no support on dealing with my

> mother

> > either. For years I always did what she asked and gave in but

> after a

> > while, when I went off to college on my own, I realized I would

go

> > crazy if I continued to always give into her. Anyway, here's the

> > story in a nutshell and where we are now at the end of the story.

> >

> > My mother has always been extremely needy, both emotionally and

> > financially. When I was younger she didn't seem as bad as she is

> now.

> > She actually got worse when I went to college and even worse when

> I

> > was getting married three years ago. To the point where we really

> > have no relationship anymore, only occasional phone calls that

end

> in

> > fights and she only calls when she wants something, usually

money.

> I

> > remember her as very loving when I was growing up but also very

> > controlling. If I didn't do it her way, I'd have to pay for it.

> She

> > always labeled me a problem child because we didn't get along.

> Partly

> > because I always stuck up for myself and wouldn't cave into her

> > needs - or at least tried to not cave in. I think she wanted

> someone

> > to go along with her and agree. Really that's the only way to get

> > along with her is do as she asks but even then it's never good

> enough.

> >

> > Her survival most of her life as been by always getting help

> > financially from family and friends. She will lie and manipulate

> to

> > get what she wants. If you say no, that's not the right answer

and

> > she will " Draw blood " as I call it to get her way until you give

> in.

> > She used to work, even if not steady, and even has a masters

> degree

> > but whatever she has earned income wise has never been enough for

> the

> > way she lives which is beyond her means. She is extremely

> intelligent

> > too and so is very good at getting around any kind of " disorder "

> she

> > may have. She has to have the best of everything and eats every

> meal

> > out. She is also constantly in a " crisis " situation - she moves

> > probably every 6 mos at least and is very angry and bitter toward

> > almost everyone. She has Rhuemotiod Arthritis and has been on

> > disability for 20 years now (even though before she got really

bad

> > she could have continued to work) and will explain more about her

> > disease in a bit.

> >

> > Growing up we always moved. My mom was never satisfied with where

> we

> > were - house to house, city to city, school to school for me - we

> > never bought a house - always rented. She always changed jobs.

> Again

> > never happy with anything. We never had any money and looking

back

> I

> > believe it's because she lived beyond her means. If she did have

> it

> > she spent it. She borrowed all the time from relatives, her

> parents

> > and she has an old boyfriend she borrowed from (and still does!)

> for

> > over 35 years. She has come into money before (a lot) and it's

> been

> > gone so fast - spent on shopping sprees, cars, getting her hair

> done,

> > etc. She never bought any furniture for her houses (our houses!)-

> > probably because it was easier to move without it. If she ever

> did,

> > we always sold it. It was a very weird way to grow up. I just

> thought

> > she was eccentric. She was also the " cool mom " all my gilfriends

> > could talk to her about boys, etc. She was very very pretty too.

> If I

> > ever " challenged " her on anything though I got yelled at. If I

> ever

> > suggested she buy a condo or save some money, I was told " it's

not

> my

> > business. " Yet she'd call me for money all the time. Later in

life

> > when I went out on my own to college she'd call me for money from

> my

> > student loan (I supported myself by loans and working). If I

> didn't

> > give, I'd have to pay for it with her threats. So for years I'd

> give

> > in - give her money, fly out to where she lived to help her move

> (I

> > haven't lived in the same city as her for 20 years), sit on the

> phone

> > with her for hours, night after night, several times a night

going

> > over the latest " crisis " she had. She'd call me at work and not

> leave

> > me alone for money. She seemed to get a lot worse when I went to

> > college - more needy of things. I had to drop everything to give

> > into her or she'd threaten to disown me which being an only child

> > with no father figure always scared me so I always gave in. I

> spent

> > years in therapy discussing her with various therapists - not

> really

> > getting anywhere. I tried setting limits but they didn't seem to

> work

> > and I admit I have a hard time because she is also all I have

> family

> > wise (besides my husband, child and my cousins). I never could

> talk

> > with her correctly - I always got defensive and angry myself. I

> know

> > now in reading these books that's not the way. She made me doubt

> > myself all my life. To this day I still do. I have very low self

> > esteem and high anxiety because of the way I grew up with her.

> >

> > Anyway besides what I just wrote my mother is EXTREMELY

> emotionally

> > abusive to me as well and that's the hardest part in all of this.

> > She's this way to her family, my husband, but mostly to me.

> Whenever

> > I try to discuss it or tell her how I feel all my life I've been

> > told " I don't want to hear it " , " you are giving me a headache " or

> she

> > will talk over me and hang up. If I write a letter, she tears it

> up.

> > I never had a voice. She calls me names, puts me down, says I am

> the

> > reason we don't get along, I am a bad daughter. She always has

> > some " third party endorsement " as to why I am bad too - she has

> all

> > these stories and so called " people " she runs into that she tells

> how

> > I treat her (ie don't give her what she wants is treating her

bad)

> > and how horrible I am. She claims she didn't come to my wedding

> > because of " my bad behavior " . Wasn't there for me when I was

> pregnant

> > (actually had a huge crisis during the whole time which I will

get

> to

> > in a minute cause it's effecting me now still), wasn't here when

I

> > had my child and has threatened to sue me and my husband

> > (for " alientation of affection " and " grandparents rights " !). Joke

> is

> > I think I was a pretty good daughter. I got good grades, never

> lied,

> > had good friends, didn't drink, do drugs, etc. (btw, my mom

> doesn't

> > do drugs or drink either in case anyone asks cause people do

based

> on

> > her behavior). She has told me I'd be a horrible mother (and I

> didn't

> > want to have children because of her) and many other horrible

> things.

> > She calls me names. She says my husband is a " cult leader " and I

> am

> > in a cult. (kind of funny huh?) She calls him " guard dog " and

> hangs

> > up on him when he answers the phone. We have limited her calls

by

> > changing our phone number and she only has my cell and I am ready

> to

> > change that however I fear losing total contact with her. However

> all

> > I get is abuse. She's never met my husband and never seen her

> > grandchild. She again blames me and says I am married to a

> horrible

> > man (because he tries to talk rationally to her, she dislikes him

> and

> > also dislikes him cause he won't give her more money) and am

> keeping

> > her from her grandchild, however these are all her choices. I

> don't

> > prefer she's around my family but I have never told her to stay

> away.

> > That's been her choice. She just isn't the kind of mother that is

> > there for me.

> >

> > My mother calls me several times a day and leaves me horrible

> msgs.

> > Threatens to disown me (which she now has done again- haven't

> talked

> > to her for a while), sue me or kill herself IF I don't do what

she

> > wants - which is give her more money. It seems anytime she talks

> to

> > me she wants money and if I don't give it, I am the bad guy and a

> > horrible daughter. Everything with her now revolves around her

> money

> > and getting it.

> >

> > Another HUGE issue is that she also has severe Rhuemotoid

> Arthritis

> > (she's had this disease about 20 years) but has refused any

> > medication or doctor's help. I think honestly she uses this to

her

> > benefit to try to get what she wants. She blames me for her

> disease.

> > She uses it to try to get what she wants - she can't do... (fill

> in

> > the blank) because of her RA so therefore she needs money. Can't

> > cook, can't get out of her car to look for a place to live, can't

> get

> > operated on for various reasons, can't take medicine (it causes

> > cancer), I could go on and on. So we get nowhere. All

> conversations

> > go nowhere as there are no solutions. I am a very

rational/logical

> > person too and it's very very frustrating for me.

> >

> > That's what brings me to now and I am not sure I am doing the

> right

> > thing but I really don't know what else to do. I cannot continue

> to

> > let her emotionally drain me and my family so I've stopped

talking

> to

> > her and when she is abusive I get off the phone. I am not helping

> her

> > financially because I cannot anymore. About a year ago she moved

> > again- then 6 mos later wanted to move back. She called me to

help

> > her move. I said no. Of course I got yelled at, disowned, etc. So

> a

> > few months later after I am pregnant she calls me again - I tell

> her

> > I am pregnant and we have a few nice conversations until she

> > again " needs something. " Apparently she is now living in a hotel

> > cause she moved on her own and had no place to live and her ex-

> > boyfriend was to give her money and now didn't and she's in a

> hotel

> > and hasn't paid and is going to get kicked out. She owes them

> > thousands she says! I said I cannot help. So this goes on for

> months.

> > She decides to take the rest of her disability payments in ONE

> LUMP

> > SUM and get out of hotel. Ok so now she's out and has spent ALL

> HER

> > INCOME and has no where to live. She now only has a Social

> Security

> > check for the rest of her life and nothing else, period. Nice

> > situation. Plus she's disabled. But she has her nice car and her

> cell

> > phone. So now she's living in her car. Calls me day and night for

> > money. We give her some money to help her get an apt. Her

> relatives

> > give her some money (they want nothing more to do with her now as

> > that's the only reason she ever calls them and then is nasty to

> them-

> > same as me) also to get an apt. She gets enuf for an apt but she

> > doesn't use that money to get into a place to live but instead to

> pay

> > her car payments which are behind. I was livid. So this went on

> for

> > months. So I finally offer to pay a deposit to an apt but not to

> her

> > but to the place. My cousin also offered to pay her first month's

> > rent but again not to my mom, to the place (cause my mom would

> spend

> > it). My mom refused and had a ton of excuses why this won't work.

> > Anway, I get a call about 2 mos ago that she checked into a

> hospital

> > cause after living in her car she was very sick. I was HOPING

> someone

> > there would help her but the social worker I talked to said my

mom

> > was impossible and complained all the time, refused treatment,

> > wouldn't eat the food, etc. That's the person that mentioned BPD

> to

> > me (don't think he mentioned it to my mom?) She is then moved

into

> a

> > nursing home and calls me hysterical that she will kill herself

if

> I

> > don't get her out. She has no money, we can't afford to put her

in

> a

> > nice housing situation which is what she wants and she needs a

> nurse

> > to care her her now that her RA is really bad and she won't get

> > operated on either. She won't look into what Medicare will

provide

> > for her. I talked to a nurse at the nursing home and my mom has a

> few

> > other housing options but my mom won't discuss with me - said

it's

> > not my business. I have offered to help pay for housing if she

> got

> > into a situation where she was cared for but she won't. All she

> > wanted was for me to send her huge amounts of $$$ so she could

> order

> > food to be delivered cause the food was bad and she was wasting

> away

> > and needed her strength. Here she's in a place that provides her

> > meals and she won't eat them and again - my fault. But discussing

> her

> > housing situation when she has no where to live still when she

> gets

> > out of nursing home was off limits for me. Anyway now she said

she

> > will never speak to me again - I have no idea what's going on

with

> > her as she has no where to go when she gets out but she lies to

> all

> > these places she's at and tells them she does - I have called a

> few

> > times to talk to her doctors, etc. and she won't give me

> permission

> > now so it's a dead end. I feel so guilty as I don't want anything

> to

> > happen to her but I don't know how to help her anymore and she's

> > draining me so much emotionally and I feel so angry over it all.

> > It's all about her needs and her crisis situations and I don't

> know

> > how to help anymore. I feel guilty too cause I COULD have her

come

> > live with us but I won't do that to me or my family and also my

> > husband refuses (she's told him " he's better off dead " ) and I

> don't

> > want her around me or my son as she's abusive. Plus we cannot

take

> > care of her. I would probably go insane. I can't help her

> financially

> > cause I don't have the money for what she thinks she needs (to

> live

> > on her own in a nice townhome or house in the LA area). She won't

> > live within her means, get the opearations, get a job if she does

> or

> > even look into assisted living of any kind. I don't know how to

> help

> > her. No one does and no one else wants anything to do with her

> > anymore. No one can deal with her abuse or keep giving her money

> > because it doesn't help.

> >

> > So that's where I am now. I still harbor extreme guilt. I don't

> have

> > normal conversations with her when she is talking to me. She only

> > calls to either yell at me, leave me nasty msgs or demand money.

I

> > should also mention she also calls my friends and even my

> husband's

> > partner and tells them horrible things about me, him, etc.

> Everyone

> > tells me to just never talk to her again after the way she treats

> me

> > but that's hard as she's my mom and I want her to be ok but I

> don't

> > know how?

> >

> > I know she is not my responsiblity and she needs to figure out

how

> to

> > live on her own but I fear she never will.

> >

> > I just need to know I am doing the right thing in getting her out

> of

> > my life and it's very hard. If you have another suggestion I

would

> > love to hear it. I hope I have explained things well enuf. I know

> I

> > have left a lot out cause the extent of her cruelty and emotional

> > issues are huge. My therapist says she's never seen anyone like

my

> > mother!

> >

> > Anyway, thanks for listening and hope this wasn't too long of a

> > story. Am glad i found this site!

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> >Her survival most of her life as been by always getting help

>financially from family and friends. She will lie and manipulate to

>get what she wants. If you say no, that's not the right answer and

<she will " Draw blood " as I call it to get her way until you give in.

***********I understand the lies and manipulation. Their reality is

not what is real, but what they feel. They make the facts match their

feelings not visa versa. As to drawing blood, my sis and I have

always said we felt like our mom had sucked all our blood out and our

marrow too whenever we spent time with her. Couldn't figure out why

we were so emotionally exhausted all the time after being with her.

My mom is not as unstable as yours is in spending money and moving

around all the time, but she is not reasonable. This just gets worse

with her aging. I was 60 years old and had spent many more years

feeling responsible everytime my mom was hurt and angry. But I am here

to tell you that even after all those years, once I understood BPD I

began to free myself from the guilt. Once I realized that whether I

did anything or neglected to do something she wanted, it made no

difference to her level of misery. She is miserable anyway. Why

should two of us be miserable. I truly cannot change things for her.

I didn't cause her problems and she will have to live out her own life

.. The consequences of her choices and the disease she has will be

there for her, but not for me. I have to think of my own children and

grandchildren and free myself from the guilt and stress so I can be a

good mother/grandmother to them. If I am wigged out all the time with

stress I cannot do that. They deserve a better life and better

interaction with me. It took my gut time to absorb what my head knew

early on, but after telling myself these things many times I finally

don't suffer so much now.

If not having contact with her is the best way to save yourself and

your family, then so be it. Remember, it was her choice, albeit a

crazy one. Eventually, the state or someone will end up being

responsible for her. With BPD it is very hard to prove so you

probably don't have the power to get her committed or anything. But

you are not responsible financially for her, nor are you expected to

sacrifice all vestage of peace in your life by living in guilt. You

have the right to your own happiness and choices in life. Remember,

no matter what you do, you will never please her. So you might as

well do what pleases yourself.

Stick with your therapist and keep posting here. You will hear

testimony from many who have finally found peace in their own lives by

going No Contact with their mother or father. It will help you and

hopefully give you the support you need to do the sane, logically

right thing for you and your family. You are a good person. This

problem can't be solves by you enabling her. (Giving her money and

feeling responsible for her unhappiness) I am sure this is a very

hard time for you, but focus on getting healthy and loving yourself

now and make the best of yourself for your family. Dee

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Thank you for posting your story. Although you likely did not

imagine it this way, it helps me to have more sympathy for my own

dishrag Dad. He has not one but THREE borderlines in his life--my

nada, my sister and his own mother--and he is their money bags. He

is the one they go to with all their irrational demands, and he is

the one who has to handle it. He has some success with exerting

severe authority--he acts like the one IN CHARGE, his word goes,

when it comes to money at least, and when he pulls the authority

card, they cower away like the emotional three year olds that they

are. But they still try to keep pushing. I am wondering if you've

tried this technique? A lot of people are amazed at how responsive

borderlines can be if you put your foot down, forcefully, with all

the confidence in the world. Now, in order to keep that confidence,

you have to make sure you're away from them a good deal of the

time ...

Anyway. About your story. I don't know if you're aware from the

outside of how low functioning your nada sounds? I think you are

right that she might have something combined with bpd, though I'm

not a psychiartrist so I can't say what. But I just wanted you to

know that it does sound extreme. I'm so sorry you have to go

through this. It's very possible though that from what you

describe, you might be able to get her forcibly committed

somewhere. That's what it might come down to if everyone keeps

denying her the money she asks for.

It is frightening to me, because I picture this is what my own nada

would be like, were it not for my father. I have seen my sister act

this way with him, demanding more and more money, pushing him to

extremes. By age 21, she had already owned about 4 luxury cars,

thousands of dollars worth of diamonds, mink coats, and toy

collections in the double digits. And we are a middle class family

by any standard.

I'm sorry; I'm digressing away from your story. It also sounds to

me like your therapist might not be helping you to deal effectively

enough with your nada. I think that having a STRONG sense of self

and setting your own boundaries is extremely important to you now.

Especially as a new mom! I think you may not have reached the point

yet of realizing exactly how harmful to you your nada is. It sounds

like you are still treating her as a responsibility of yours, and

not as an abuser that you have the right to protect yourself (and

your child) from. As others have suggested, UBM is a great start,

and also, my bible, Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery.

I tend to get a little didactic so please forgive me; the 'advice' I

give is of course merely my opinion, and I do wish you the best.

Your nada sounds extremely difficult and I hope that your journey of

growth (away) from her ends up to be a positive thing for you and

your family. Welcome to the board, and please do keep posting, even

if we tend to get bossy from time to time!

Charlie

> > > >

> > > > Hello,

> > > > My name is and I am new. I have read " Walking on

> > Eggshells "

> > > > and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " recently. I am pretty

sure

> > my

> > > > mother has BPD and I have been dealing with her all my life

and

> > > feel I

> > > > have found what ails her, however, I'd really like to post

my

> > story

> > > > and get some more insight, opinions.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks and nice to meet everyone.

> > > >

> > >

> > > Here's my story it's long but I did my best to abbreviate it.

> > Thanks

> > > for listening!

> > >

> > > I introduced myself earlier but figured I'd post my story.

> > >

> > > I am not 100% sure my mother has BPD, however in lieu of

several

> > > recent events, a social worker that worked with her on a

recent

> > > hospital stay mentioned BPD to me and so I looked it up and it

> > really

> > > fits. For years I have been suffering with my mother and

> > > her " personality disorder " so it was nice to finally find

> > something

> > > that fit what I've been dealing with and hopefully I can get

some

> > > answers and some peace. Sadly, even thru all the books I still

> > can't

> > > seem to find an actual way to deal with her because her

situation

> > has

> > > become so critical at this point and she doesn't seem to

totally

> > fit

> > > even what other BPD people have - she's even beyond if that

makes

> > > sense and possibly something else is going on. Let me explain

my

> > > story a little and maybe some encouraging words or ideas some

of

> > you

> > > have would help - thanks for listening! (I'll try to be as

brief

> > as I

> > > can!!)

> > >

> > > Let me start by saying I am 39, married with a 5 month old

son. I

> > am

> > > not BP and neither is my husband. My mother is 63 and I am an

> only

> > > child and raised by her as a single parent. She is divorced

> > (since I

> > > was three) and lives alone and has for a long time. We don't

live

> > in

> > > the same state either so we are not close by. She has no

friends

> > > (she's written them all off in the last 20 years and has made

no

> > new

> > > one's) and she has also written off her family, which is quite

> > large.

> > > (by written off I mean literally sending them nasty letters,

> > > threatening to sue several of them, etc.). Her reasons are

> > > that " everyone is horrible to her and has wronged her. " She

feels

> > > that even myself and my husband have waged a campaign against

her

> > to

> > > everyone hates her. However, she is extremely nasty to them

and

> > they

> > > want nothing to do with her anyway, but fails to see that it's

> her

> > > actions that have driven them away. She only calls them when

she

> > > needs something, never any other time. Her parents are not

alive

> > and

> > > her sister who was manic depressive/psychotic died 3 years

ago.

> > She

> > > grew up in a very emotionally chaotic household and there is a

> lot

> > of

> > > manic depression on her side of the family. Anyway, I am the

ONLY

> > one

> > > to deal with her and have my whole life pretty much. I've been

> > more

> > > of the mother and her the daughter. My father is not a part of

my

> > > life either so I feel I've had no support on dealing with my

> > mother

> > > either. For years I always did what she asked and gave in but

> > after a

> > > while, when I went off to college on my own, I realized I

would

> go

> > > crazy if I continued to always give into her. Anyway, here's

the

> > > story in a nutshell and where we are now at the end of the

story.

> > >

> > > My mother has always been extremely needy, both emotionally

and

> > > financially. When I was younger she didn't seem as bad as she

is

> > now.

> > > She actually got worse when I went to college and even worse

when

> > I

> > > was getting married three years ago. To the point where we

really

> > > have no relationship anymore, only occasional phone calls that

> end

> > in

> > > fights and she only calls when she wants something, usually

> money.

> > I

> > > remember her as very loving when I was growing up but also

very

> > > controlling. If I didn't do it her way, I'd have to pay for

it.

> > She

> > > always labeled me a problem child because we didn't get along.

> > Partly

> > > because I always stuck up for myself and wouldn't cave into

her

> > > needs - or at least tried to not cave in. I think she wanted

> > someone

> > > to go along with her and agree. Really that's the only way to

get

> > > along with her is do as she asks but even then it's never good

> > enough.

> > >

> > > Her survival most of her life as been by always getting help

> > > financially from family and friends. She will lie and

manipulate

> > to

> > > get what she wants. If you say no, that's not the right answer

> and

> > > she will " Draw blood " as I call it to get her way until you

give

> > in.

> > > She used to work, even if not steady, and even has a masters

> > degree

> > > but whatever she has earned income wise has never been enough

for

> > the

> > > way she lives which is beyond her means. She is extremely

> > intelligent

> > > too and so is very good at getting around any kind

of " disorder "

> > she

> > > may have. She has to have the best of everything and eats

every

> > meal

> > > out. She is also constantly in a " crisis " situation - she

moves

> > > probably every 6 mos at least and is very angry and bitter

toward

> > > almost everyone. She has Rhuemotiod Arthritis and has been on

> > > disability for 20 years now (even though before she got really

> bad

> > > she could have continued to work) and will explain more about

her

> > > disease in a bit.

> > >

> > > Growing up we always moved. My mom was never satisfied with

where

> > we

> > > were - house to house, city to city, school to school for me -

we

> > > never bought a house - always rented. She always changed jobs.

> > Again

> > > never happy with anything. We never had any money and looking

> back

> > I

> > > believe it's because she lived beyond her means. If she did

have

> > it

> > > she spent it. She borrowed all the time from relatives, her

> > parents

> > > and she has an old boyfriend she borrowed from (and still

does!)

> > for

> > > over 35 years. She has come into money before (a lot) and it's

> > been

> > > gone so fast - spent on shopping sprees, cars, getting her

hair

> > done,

> > > etc. She never bought any furniture for her houses (our

houses!)-

> > > probably because it was easier to move without it. If she ever

> > did,

> > > we always sold it. It was a very weird way to grow up. I just

> > thought

> > > she was eccentric. She was also the " cool mom " all my

gilfriends

> > > could talk to her about boys, etc. She was very very pretty

too.

> > If I

> > > ever " challenged " her on anything though I got yelled at. If I

> > ever

> > > suggested she buy a condo or save some money, I was told " it's

> not

> > my

> > > business. " Yet she'd call me for money all the time. Later in

> life

> > > when I went out on my own to college she'd call me for money

from

> > my

> > > student loan (I supported myself by loans and working). If I

> > didn't

> > > give, I'd have to pay for it with her threats. So for years

I'd

> > give

> > > in - give her money, fly out to where she lived to help her

move

> > (I

> > > haven't lived in the same city as her for 20 years), sit on

the

> > phone

> > > with her for hours, night after night, several times a night

> going

> > > over the latest " crisis " she had. She'd call me at work and

not

> > leave

> > > me alone for money. She seemed to get a lot worse when I went

to

> > > college - more needy of things. I had to drop everything to

give

> > > into her or she'd threaten to disown me which being an only

child

> > > with no father figure always scared me so I always gave in. I

> > spent

> > > years in therapy discussing her with various therapists - not

> > really

> > > getting anywhere. I tried setting limits but they didn't seem

to

> > work

> > > and I admit I have a hard time because she is also all I have

> > family

> > > wise (besides my husband, child and my cousins). I never could

> > talk

> > > with her correctly - I always got defensive and angry myself.

I

> > know

> > > now in reading these books that's not the way. She made me

doubt

> > > myself all my life. To this day I still do. I have very low

self

> > > esteem and high anxiety because of the way I grew up with her.

> > >

> > > Anyway besides what I just wrote my mother is EXTREMELY

> > emotionally

> > > abusive to me as well and that's the hardest part in all of

this.

> > > She's this way to her family, my husband, but mostly to me.

> > Whenever

> > > I try to discuss it or tell her how I feel all my life I've

been

> > > told " I don't want to hear it " , " you are giving me a headache "

or

> > she

> > > will talk over me and hang up. If I write a letter, she tears

it

> > up.

> > > I never had a voice. She calls me names, puts me down, says I

am

> > the

> > > reason we don't get along, I am a bad daughter. She always has

> > > some " third party endorsement " as to why I am bad too - she

has

> > all

> > > these stories and so called " people " she runs into that she

tells

> > how

> > > I treat her (ie don't give her what she wants is treating her

> bad)

> > > and how horrible I am. She claims she didn't come to my

wedding

> > > because of " my bad behavior " . Wasn't there for me when I was

> > pregnant

> > > (actually had a huge crisis during the whole time which I will

> get

> > to

> > > in a minute cause it's effecting me now still), wasn't here

when

> I

> > > had my child and has threatened to sue me and my husband

> > > (for " alientation of affection " and " grandparents rights " !).

Joke

> > is

> > > I think I was a pretty good daughter. I got good grades, never

> > lied,

> > > had good friends, didn't drink, do drugs, etc. (btw, my mom

> > doesn't

> > > do drugs or drink either in case anyone asks cause people do

> based

> > on

> > > her behavior). She has told me I'd be a horrible mother (and I

> > didn't

> > > want to have children because of her) and many other horrible

> > things.

> > > She calls me names. She says my husband is a " cult leader " and

I

> > am

> > > in a cult. (kind of funny huh?) She calls him " guard dog " and

> > hangs

> > > up on him when he answers the phone. We have limited her

calls

> by

> > > changing our phone number and she only has my cell and I am

ready

> > to

> > > change that however I fear losing total contact with her.

However

> > all

> > > I get is abuse. She's never met my husband and never seen her

> > > grandchild. She again blames me and says I am married to a

> > horrible

> > > man (because he tries to talk rationally to her, she dislikes

him

> > and

> > > also dislikes him cause he won't give her more money) and am

> > keeping

> > > her from her grandchild, however these are all her choices. I

> > don't

> > > prefer she's around my family but I have never told her to

stay

> > away.

> > > That's been her choice. She just isn't the kind of mother that

is

> > > there for me.

> > >

> > > My mother calls me several times a day and leaves me horrible

> > msgs.

> > > Threatens to disown me (which she now has done again- haven't

> > talked

> > > to her for a while), sue me or kill herself IF I don't do what

> she

> > > wants - which is give her more money. It seems anytime she

talks

> > to

> > > me she wants money and if I don't give it, I am the bad guy

and a

> > > horrible daughter. Everything with her now revolves around her

> > money

> > > and getting it.

> > >

> > > Another HUGE issue is that she also has severe Rhuemotoid

> > Arthritis

> > > (she's had this disease about 20 years) but has refused any

> > > medication or doctor's help. I think honestly she uses this to

> her

> > > benefit to try to get what she wants. She blames me for her

> > disease.

> > > She uses it to try to get what she wants - she can't do...

(fill

> > in

> > > the blank) because of her RA so therefore she needs money.

Can't

> > > cook, can't get out of her car to look for a place to live,

can't

> > get

> > > operated on for various reasons, can't take medicine (it

causes

> > > cancer), I could go on and on. So we get nowhere. All

> > conversations

> > > go nowhere as there are no solutions. I am a very

> rational/logical

> > > person too and it's very very frustrating for me.

> > >

> > > That's what brings me to now and I am not sure I am doing the

> > right

> > > thing but I really don't know what else to do. I cannot

continue

> > to

> > > let her emotionally drain me and my family so I've stopped

> talking

> > to

> > > her and when she is abusive I get off the phone. I am not

helping

> > her

> > > financially because I cannot anymore. About a year ago she

moved

> > > again- then 6 mos later wanted to move back. She called me to

> help

> > > her move. I said no. Of course I got yelled at, disowned, etc.

So

> > a

> > > few months later after I am pregnant she calls me again - I

tell

> > her

> > > I am pregnant and we have a few nice conversations until she

> > > again " needs something. " Apparently she is now living in a

hotel

> > > cause she moved on her own and had no place to live and her ex-

> > > boyfriend was to give her money and now didn't and she's in a

> > hotel

> > > and hasn't paid and is going to get kicked out. She owes them

> > > thousands she says! I said I cannot help. So this goes on for

> > months.

> > > She decides to take the rest of her disability payments in ONE

> > LUMP

> > > SUM and get out of hotel. Ok so now she's out and has spent

ALL

> > HER

> > > INCOME and has no where to live. She now only has a Social

> > Security

> > > check for the rest of her life and nothing else, period. Nice

> > > situation. Plus she's disabled. But she has her nice car and

her

> > cell

> > > phone. So now she's living in her car. Calls me day and night

for

> > > money. We give her some money to help her get an apt. Her

> > relatives

> > > give her some money (they want nothing more to do with her now

as

> > > that's the only reason she ever calls them and then is nasty

to

> > them-

> > > same as me) also to get an apt. She gets enuf for an apt but

she

> > > doesn't use that money to get into a place to live but instead

to

> > pay

> > > her car payments which are behind. I was livid. So this went

on

> > for

> > > months. So I finally offer to pay a deposit to an apt but not

to

> > her

> > > but to the place. My cousin also offered to pay her first

month's

> > > rent but again not to my mom, to the place (cause my mom would

> > spend

> > > it). My mom refused and had a ton of excuses why this won't

work.

> > > Anway, I get a call about 2 mos ago that she checked into a

> > hospital

> > > cause after living in her car she was very sick. I was HOPING

> > someone

> > > there would help her but the social worker I talked to said my

> mom

> > > was impossible and complained all the time, refused treatment,

> > > wouldn't eat the food, etc. That's the person that mentioned

BPD

> > to

> > > me (don't think he mentioned it to my mom?) She is then moved

> into

> > a

> > > nursing home and calls me hysterical that she will kill

herself

> if

> > I

> > > don't get her out. She has no money, we can't afford to put

her

> in

> > a

> > > nice housing situation which is what she wants and she needs a

> > nurse

> > > to care her her now that her RA is really bad and she won't

get

> > > operated on either. She won't look into what Medicare will

> provide

> > > for her. I talked to a nurse at the nursing home and my mom

has a

> > few

> > > other housing options but my mom won't discuss with me - said

> it's

> > > not my business. I have offered to help pay for housing if

she

> > got

> > > into a situation where she was cared for but she won't. All

she

> > > wanted was for me to send her huge amounts of $$$ so she could

> > order

> > > food to be delivered cause the food was bad and she was

wasting

> > away

> > > and needed her strength. Here she's in a place that provides

her

> > > meals and she won't eat them and again - my fault. But

discussing

> > her

> > > housing situation when she has no where to live still when she

> > gets

> > > out of nursing home was off limits for me. Anyway now she said

> she

> > > will never speak to me again - I have no idea what's going on

> with

> > > her as she has no where to go when she gets out but she lies

to

> > all

> > > these places she's at and tells them she does - I have called

a

> > few

> > > times to talk to her doctors, etc. and she won't give me

> > permission

> > > now so it's a dead end. I feel so guilty as I don't want

anything

> > to

> > > happen to her but I don't know how to help her anymore and

she's

> > > draining me so much emotionally and I feel so angry over it

all.

> > > It's all about her needs and her crisis situations and I don't

> > know

> > > how to help anymore. I feel guilty too cause I COULD have her

> come

> > > live with us but I won't do that to me or my family and also

my

> > > husband refuses (she's told him " he's better off dead " ) and I

> > don't

> > > want her around me or my son as she's abusive. Plus we cannot

> take

> > > care of her. I would probably go insane. I can't help her

> > financially

> > > cause I don't have the money for what she thinks she needs (to

> > live

> > > on her own in a nice townhome or house in the LA area). She

won't

> > > live within her means, get the opearations, get a job if she

does

> > or

> > > even look into assisted living of any kind. I don't know how

to

> > help

> > > her. No one does and no one else wants anything to do with her

> > > anymore. No one can deal with her abuse or keep giving her

money

> > > because it doesn't help.

> > >

> > > So that's where I am now. I still harbor extreme guilt. I

don't

> > have

> > > normal conversations with her when she is talking to me. She

only

> > > calls to either yell at me, leave me nasty msgs or demand

money.

> I

> > > should also mention she also calls my friends and even my

> > husband's

> > > partner and tells them horrible things about me, him, etc.

> > Everyone

> > > tells me to just never talk to her again after the way she

treats

> > me

> > > but that's hard as she's my mom and I want her to be ok but I

> > don't

> > > know how?

> > >

> > > I know she is not my responsiblity and she needs to figure out

> how

> > to

> > > live on her own but I fear she never will.

> > >

> > > I just need to know I am doing the right thing in getting her

out

> > of

> > > my life and it's very hard. If you have another suggestion I

> would

> > > love to hear it. I hope I have explained things well enuf. I

know

> > I

> > > have left a lot out cause the extent of her cruelty and

emotional

> > > issues are huge. My therapist says she's never seen anyone

like

> my

> > > mother!

> > >

> > > Anyway, thanks for listening and hope this wasn't too long of

a

> > > story. Am glad i found this site!

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

to " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

the

> WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

>Does what I wrote

>sound like she has BPD? I think so but maybe more extreme or mixed

>with something? Her sister was manic depressive.

Most times BPD does not stand alone but is accompanied by anxiety,

bi-polar, depression, and many other psychological disorders.

Actually the way your mom is doesn't sound much worse than many here

except for the living out of her car. The entitlement is common to

most BPDs. My mom is a waif/queen with a touch of witch, mixed in.

>I hope your mom will read the books you mentioned. I feel like

>sending my mom the books too but I am sure she won't read them.

You are right on this score. One of the prime traits of BPD is that

to them there is nothing wrong with them. It is the whole rest of the

world. This is necessary to them to not split themselves black.

Hence, they are never responsible for any wrongs. I would not

recommend anyone giving those books to a BPD mom. Just my own

opinion. Dee

[Guest guest]

HI Mandy,

I agree with what you said about me being in control - I guess I need

to know how to do that. I am not good at it as I always want to hear

what she has to say or feel if I put limits I will loose her but I

already have as she's decided she wants nothing to do with me (at

least for now). I have no want to visit her and haven't seen her in

almost 6 years. The last few times I have visited her I always stayed

with her which was a huge mistake because like you said she

controlled everything - including when I made phone calls and watched

TV. When you say BPs crave structure do you mean BPDs or non BPS? Was

confused. I crave structure but do not feel my mother does. She does

have the upper hand by controlling me with guilt. So any suggestions

on how to handle it on the phone? When she calls to say " I have a

huge problem " which is how most conversations start what should I

say? When she goes on about how bad her RA is and she can't walk and

has no money, what do I say? I think that would be helpful is if I

know how to handle it and can then be in control. She definately has

a problem with wanting to control things as you said - a few years

ago for her big 60th I was going to visit and bring my husband (then

fiance) and she had a fit because of the dates I could travel ( I had

a new job) and where I was flying into (she wanted us to pay more to

fly closer to her). So then she said to forget coming so we did. To

this day I hear about how I dropped the ball on her big 60th. But

this is like everything she does.

Anyway, thanks Mandy- I guess I need to know HOW to talk to her would

be a good start.

> > > >

> > > > Hello,

> > > > My name is and I am new. I have read " Walking on

> > Eggshells "

> > > > and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " recently. I am pretty

sure

> > my

> > > > mother has BPD and I have been dealing with her all my life

and

> > > feel I

> > > > have found what ails her, however, I'd really like to post my

> > story

> > > > and get some more insight, opinions.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks and nice to meet everyone.

> > > >

> > >

> > > Here's my story it's long but I did my best to abbreviate it.

> > Thanks

> > > for listening!

> > >

> > > I introduced myself earlier but figured I'd post my story.

> > >

> > > I am not 100% sure my mother has BPD, however in lieu of

several

> > > recent events, a social worker that worked with her on a recent

> > > hospital stay mentioned BPD to me and so I looked it up and it

> > really

> > > fits. For years I have been suffering with my mother and

> > > her " personality disorder " so it was nice to finally find

> > something

> > > that fit what I've been dealing with and hopefully I can get

some

> > > answers and some peace. Sadly, even thru all the books I still

> > can't

> > > seem to find an actual way to deal with her because her

situation

> > has

> > > become so critical at this point and she doesn't seem to

totally

> > fit

> > > even what other BPD people have - she's even beyond if that

makes

> > > sense and possibly something else is going on. Let me explain

my

> > > story a little and maybe some encouraging words or ideas some

of

> > you

> > > have would help - thanks for listening! (I'll try to be as

brief

> > as I

> > > can!!)

> > >

> > > Let me start by saying I am 39, married with a 5 month old son.

I

> > am

> > > not BP and neither is my husband. My mother is 63 and I am an

> only

> > > child and raised by her as a single parent. She is divorced

> > (since I

> > > was three) and lives alone and has for a long time. We don't

live

> > in

> > > the same state either so we are not close by. She has no

friends

> > > (she's written them all off in the last 20 years and has made

no

> > new

> > > one's) and she has also written off her family, which is quite

> > large.

> > > (by written off I mean literally sending them nasty letters,

> > > threatening to sue several of them, etc.). Her reasons are

> > > that " everyone is horrible to her and has wronged her. " She

feels

> > > that even myself and my husband have waged a campaign against

her

> > to

> > > everyone hates her. However, she is extremely nasty to them and

> > they

> > > want nothing to do with her anyway, but fails to see that it's

> her

> > > actions that have driven them away. She only calls them when

she

> > > needs something, never any other time. Her parents are not

alive

> > and

> > > her sister who was manic depressive/psychotic died 3 years ago.

> > She

> > > grew up in a very emotionally chaotic household and there is a

> lot

> > of

> > > manic depression on her side of the family. Anyway, I am the

ONLY

> > one

> > > to deal with her and have my whole life pretty much. I've been

> > more

> > > of the mother and her the daughter. My father is not a part of

my

> > > life either so I feel I've had no support on dealing with my

> > mother

> > > either. For years I always did what she asked and gave in but

> > after a

> > > while, when I went off to college on my own, I realized I would

> go

> > > crazy if I continued to always give into her. Anyway, here's

the

> > > story in a nutshell and where we are now at the end of the

story.

> > >

> > > My mother has always been extremely needy, both emotionally and

> > > financially. When I was younger she didn't seem as bad as she

is

> > now.

> > > She actually got worse when I went to college and even worse

when

> > I

> > > was getting married three years ago. To the point where we

really

> > > have no relationship anymore, only occasional phone calls that

> end

> > in

> > > fights and she only calls when she wants something, usually

> money.

> > I

> > > remember her as very loving when I was growing up but also very

> > > controlling. If I didn't do it her way, I'd have to pay for it.

> > She

> > > always labeled me a problem child because we didn't get along.

> > Partly

> > > because I always stuck up for myself and wouldn't cave into her

> > > needs - or at least tried to not cave in. I think she wanted

> > someone

> > > to go along with her and agree. Really that's the only way to

get

> > > along with her is do as she asks but even then it's never good

> > enough.

> > >

> > > Her survival most of her life as been by always getting help

> > > financially from family and friends. She will lie and

manipulate

> > to

> > > get what she wants. If you say no, that's not the right answer

> and

> > > she will " Draw blood " as I call it to get her way until you

give

> > in.

> > > She used to work, even if not steady, and even has a masters

> > degree

> > > but whatever she has earned income wise has never been enough

for

> > the

> > > way she lives which is beyond her means. She is extremely

> > intelligent

> > > too and so is very good at getting around any kind

of " disorder "

> > she

> > > may have. She has to have the best of everything and eats every

> > meal

> > > out. She is also constantly in a " crisis " situation - she moves

> > > probably every 6 mos at least and is very angry and bitter

toward

> > > almost everyone. She has Rhuemotiod Arthritis and has been on

> > > disability for 20 years now (even though before she got really

> bad

> > > she could have continued to work) and will explain more about

her

> > > disease in a bit.

> > >

> > > Growing up we always moved. My mom was never satisfied with

where

> > we

> > > were - house to house, city to city, school to school for me -

we

> > > never bought a house - always rented. She always changed jobs.

> > Again

> > > never happy with anything. We never had any money and looking

> back

> > I

> > > believe it's because she lived beyond her means. If she did

have

> > it

> > > she spent it. She borrowed all the time from relatives, her

> > parents

> > > and she has an old boyfriend she borrowed from (and still

does!)

> > for

> > > over 35 years. She has come into money before (a lot) and it's

> > been

> > > gone so fast - spent on shopping sprees, cars, getting her hair

> > done,

> > > etc. She never bought any furniture for her houses (our

houses!)-

> > > probably because it was easier to move without it. If she ever

> > did,

> > > we always sold it. It was a very weird way to grow up. I just

> > thought

> > > she was eccentric. She was also the " cool mom " all my

gilfriends

> > > could talk to her about boys, etc. She was very very pretty

too.

> > If I

> > > ever " challenged " her on anything though I got yelled at. If I

> > ever

> > > suggested she buy a condo or save some money, I was told " it's

> not

> > my

> > > business. " Yet she'd call me for money all the time. Later in

> life

> > > when I went out on my own to college she'd call me for money

from

> > my

> > > student loan (I supported myself by loans and working). If I

> > didn't

> > > give, I'd have to pay for it with her threats. So for years

I'd

> > give

> > > in - give her money, fly out to where she lived to help her

move

> > (I

> > > haven't lived in the same city as her for 20 years), sit on the

> > phone

> > > with her for hours, night after night, several times a night

> going

> > > over the latest " crisis " she had. She'd call me at work and not

> > leave

> > > me alone for money. She seemed to get a lot worse when I went

to

> > > college - more needy of things. I had to drop everything to

give

> > > into her or she'd threaten to disown me which being an only

child

> > > with no father figure always scared me so I always gave in. I

> > spent

> > > years in therapy discussing her with various therapists - not

> > really

> > > getting anywhere. I tried setting limits but they didn't seem

to

> > work

> > > and I admit I have a hard time because she is also all I have

> > family

> > > wise (besides my husband, child and my cousins). I never could

> > talk

> > > with her correctly - I always got defensive and angry myself. I

> > know

> > > now in reading these books that's not the way. She made me

doubt

> > > myself all my life. To this day I still do. I have very low

self

> > > esteem and high anxiety because of the way I grew up with her.

> > >

> > > Anyway besides what I just wrote my mother is EXTREMELY

> > emotionally

> > > abusive to me as well and that's the hardest part in all of

this.

> > > She's this way to her family, my husband, but mostly to me.

> > Whenever

> > > I try to discuss it or tell her how I feel all my life I've

been

> > > told " I don't want to hear it " , " you are giving me a headache "

or

> > she

> > > will talk over me and hang up. If I write a letter, she tears

it

> > up.

> > > I never had a voice. She calls me names, puts me down, says I

am

> > the

> > > reason we don't get along, I am a bad daughter. She always has

> > > some " third party endorsement " as to why I am bad too - she has

> > all

> > > these stories and so called " people " she runs into that she

tells

> > how

> > > I treat her (ie don't give her what she wants is treating her

> bad)

> > > and how horrible I am. She claims she didn't come to my wedding

> > > because of " my bad behavior " . Wasn't there for me when I was

> > pregnant

> > > (actually had a huge crisis during the whole time which I will

> get

> > to

> > > in a minute cause it's effecting me now still), wasn't here

when

> I

> > > had my child and has threatened to sue me and my husband

> > > (for " alientation of affection " and " grandparents rights " !).

Joke

> > is

> > > I think I was a pretty good daughter. I got good grades, never

> > lied,

> > > had good friends, didn't drink, do drugs, etc. (btw, my mom

> > doesn't

> > > do drugs or drink either in case anyone asks cause people do

> based

> > on

> > > her behavior). She has told me I'd be a horrible mother (and I

> > didn't

> > > want to have children because of her) and many other horrible

> > things.

> > > She calls me names. She says my husband is a " cult leader " and

I

> > am

> > > in a cult. (kind of funny huh?) She calls him " guard dog " and

> > hangs

> > > up on him when he answers the phone. We have limited her calls

> by

> > > changing our phone number and she only has my cell and I am

ready

> > to

> > > change that however I fear losing total contact with her.

However

> > all

> > > I get is abuse. She's never met my husband and never seen her

> > > grandchild. She again blames me and says I am married to a

> > horrible

> > > man (because he tries to talk rationally to her, she dislikes

him

> > and

> > > also dislikes him cause he won't give her more money) and am

> > keeping

> > > her from her grandchild, however these are all her choices. I

> > don't

> > > prefer she's around my family but I have never told her to stay

> > away.

> > > That's been her choice. She just isn't the kind of mother that

is

> > > there for me.

> > >

> > > My mother calls me several times a day and leaves me horrible

> > msgs.

> > > Threatens to disown me (which she now has done again- haven't

> > talked

> > > to her for a while), sue me or kill herself IF I don't do what

> she

> > > wants - which is give her more money. It seems anytime she

talks

> > to

> > > me she wants money and if I don't give it, I am the bad guy and

a

> > > horrible daughter. Everything with her now revolves around her

> > money

> > > and getting it.

> > >

> > > Another HUGE issue is that she also has severe Rhuemotoid

> > Arthritis

> > > (she's had this disease about 20 years) but has refused any

> > > medication or doctor's help. I think honestly she uses this to

> her

> > > benefit to try to get what she wants. She blames me for her

> > disease.

> > > She uses it to try to get what she wants - she can't do...

(fill

> > in

> > > the blank) because of her RA so therefore she needs money.

Can't

> > > cook, can't get out of her car to look for a place to live,

can't

> > get

> > > operated on for various reasons, can't take medicine (it causes

> > > cancer), I could go on and on. So we get nowhere. All

> > conversations

> > > go nowhere as there are no solutions. I am a very

> rational/logical

> > > person too and it's very very frustrating for me.

> > >

> > > That's what brings me to now and I am not sure I am doing the

> > right

> > > thing but I really don't know what else to do. I cannot

continue

> > to

> > > let her emotionally drain me and my family so I've stopped

> talking

> > to

> > > her and when she is abusive I get off the phone. I am not

helping

> > her

> > > financially because I cannot anymore. About a year ago she

moved

> > > again- then 6 mos later wanted to move back. She called me to

> help

> > > her move. I said no. Of course I got yelled at, disowned, etc.

So

> > a

> > > few months later after I am pregnant she calls me again - I

tell

> > her

> > > I am pregnant and we have a few nice conversations until she

> > > again " needs something. " Apparently she is now living in a

hotel

> > > cause she moved on her own and had no place to live and her ex-

> > > boyfriend was to give her money and now didn't and she's in a

> > hotel

> > > and hasn't paid and is going to get kicked out. She owes them

> > > thousands she says! I said I cannot help. So this goes on for

> > months.

> > > She decides to take the rest of her disability payments in ONE

> > LUMP

> > > SUM and get out of hotel. Ok so now she's out and has spent ALL

> > HER

> > > INCOME and has no where to live. She now only has a Social

> > Security

> > > check for the rest of her life and nothing else, period. Nice

> > > situation. Plus she's disabled. But she has her nice car and

her

> > cell

> > > phone. So now she's living in her car. Calls me day and night

for

> > > money. We give her some money to help her get an apt. Her

> > relatives

> > > give her some money (they want nothing more to do with her now

as

> > > that's the only reason she ever calls them and then is nasty to

> > them-

> > > same as me) also to get an apt. She gets enuf for an apt but

she

> > > doesn't use that money to get into a place to live but instead

to

> > pay

> > > her car payments which are behind. I was livid. So this went on

> > for

> > > months. So I finally offer to pay a deposit to an apt but not

to

> > her

> > > but to the place. My cousin also offered to pay her first

month's

> > > rent but again not to my mom, to the place (cause my mom would

> > spend

> > > it). My mom refused and had a ton of excuses why this won't

work.

> > > Anway, I get a call about 2 mos ago that she checked into a

> > hospital

> > > cause after living in her car she was very sick. I was HOPING

> > someone

> > > there would help her but the social worker I talked to said my

> mom

> > > was impossible and complained all the time, refused treatment,

> > > wouldn't eat the food, etc. That's the person that mentioned

BPD

> > to

> > > me (don't think he mentioned it to my mom?) She is then moved

> into

> > a

> > > nursing home and calls me hysterical that she will kill herself

> if

> > I

> > > don't get her out. She has no money, we can't afford to put her

> in

> > a

> > > nice housing situation which is what she wants and she needs a

> > nurse

> > > to care her her now that her RA is really bad and she won't get

> > > operated on either. She won't look into what Medicare will

> provide

> > > for her. I talked to a nurse at the nursing home and my mom has

a

> > few

> > > other housing options but my mom won't discuss with me - said

> it's

> > > not my business. I have offered to help pay for housing if she

> > got

> > > into a situation where she was cared for but she won't. All

she

> > > wanted was for me to send her huge amounts of $$$ so she could

> > order

> > > food to be delivered cause the food was bad and she was wasting

> > away

> > > and needed her strength. Here she's in a place that provides

her

> > > meals and she won't eat them and again - my fault. But

discussing

> > her

> > > housing situation when she has no where to live still when she

> > gets

> > > out of nursing home was off limits for me. Anyway now she said

> she

> > > will never speak to me again - I have no idea what's going on

> with

> > > her as she has no where to go when she gets out but she lies to

> > all

> > > these places she's at and tells them she does - I have called a

> > few

> > > times to talk to her doctors, etc. and she won't give me

> > permission

> > > now so it's a dead end. I feel so guilty as I don't want

anything

> > to

> > > happen to her but I don't know how to help her anymore and

she's

> > > draining me so much emotionally and I feel so angry over it

all.

> > > It's all about her needs and her crisis situations and I don't

> > know

> > > how to help anymore. I feel guilty too cause I COULD have her

> come

> > > live with us but I won't do that to me or my family and also my

> > > husband refuses (she's told him " he's better off dead " ) and I

> > don't

> > > want her around me or my son as she's abusive. Plus we cannot

> take

> > > care of her. I would probably go insane. I can't help her

> > financially

> > > cause I don't have the money for what she thinks she needs (to

> > live

> > > on her own in a nice townhome or house in the LA area). She

won't

> > > live within her means, get the opearations, get a job if she

does

> > or

> > > even look into assisted living of any kind. I don't know how to

> > help

> > > her. No one does and no one else wants anything to do with her

> > > anymore. No one can deal with her abuse or keep giving her

money

> > > because it doesn't help.

> > >

> > > So that's where I am now. I still harbor extreme guilt. I don't

> > have

> > > normal conversations with her when she is talking to me. She

only

> > > calls to either yell at me, leave me nasty msgs or demand

money.

> I

> > > should also mention she also calls my friends and even my

> > husband's

> > > partner and tells them horrible things about me, him, etc.

> > Everyone

> > > tells me to just never talk to her again after the way she

treats

> > me

> > > but that's hard as she's my mom and I want her to be ok but I

> > don't

> > > know how?

> > >

> > > I know she is not my responsiblity and she needs to figure out

> how

> > to

> > > live on her own but I fear she never will.

> > >

> > > I just need to know I am doing the right thing in getting her

out

> > of

> > > my life and it's very hard. If you have another suggestion I

> would

> > > love to hear it. I hope I have explained things well enuf. I

know

> > I

> > > have left a lot out cause the extent of her cruelty and

emotional

> > > issues are huge. My therapist says she's never seen anyone like

> my

> > > mother!

> > >

> > > Anyway, thanks for listening and hope this wasn't too long of a

> > > story. Am glad i found this site!

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

> WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

>

> You are right on this score. One of the prime traits of BPD is that

> to them there is nothing wrong with them. It is the whole rest of

the

> world. This is necessary to them to not split themselves black.

> Hence, they are never responsible for any wrongs. I would not

> recommend anyone giving those books to a BPD mom. Just my own

> opinion. Dee

Hi Dee,

Yes, you are right - she thinks everyone else is at fault. Well it's

good to know others here have similar mothers (save for the living in

the car part) I often feel so alone - even my therapist said she's

never met anyone whose mother was quite like mine! I won't send her

the books- she will have a fit.

I wonder what combo my mom is - I know she's part Queen - will get

that other book.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Charlie,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I am trying to reply to everyone

best I can.

I am wondering if you've

> tried this technique? A lot of people are amazed at how responsive

> borderlines can be if you put your foot down, forcefully, with all

> the confidence in the world. Now, in order to keep that

confidence,

> you have to make sure you're away from them a good deal of the

> time ...

I totally can empathize with you about your dad and the three

borderlines in his life. Very sad. I guess when you say tried the

technique of being in charge I feel I have - I say no? I mean I have

to say no, as we can't keep giving her money. She also wants it right

away, it must be federal expressed or sent Western Union - that

second. She used to do this to her poor mother and my grandma would

be in her 80s and freaking out trying to find a fed ex for my mom.

Anyway, back to what you said - I do say no. I have to say no. But my

mom hates that answer and so I get hung up on, called again several

times and she leaves horrible msgs. I have offered however to pay a

deposit to get her into an apt (this was months ago before she was in

nursing home) and she had a problem with that too saying she couldn't

get out of her car cause of her RA and couldn't find a place to live

for me to pay the deposit. Again, always a reason why something won't

work. So then she wanted to move here (yikes) and so I sent her a

list of apts here. She finally called one and called me the day she

wanted me to pay the deposit and I said I didn't have the $$$ that

day but would in three days when my husband got paid and she said it

wasn't good enuf, how was she going to last in her car that long (she

already was in it for months!) and that my husband and I were F**ers.

So that ended that. Anyway, is there better authority I need to be

doing? Oh btw, I am away from her - we don't live in the same city or

state.

> Anyway. About your story. I don't know if you're aware from the

> outside of how low functioning your nada sounds?

Yes, my NADA is very low functioning and it concerns me. She may have

MD like her sister, but maybe not as bad. She definately is very

smart and pulls things over on the doctors and even any therapists

she's claimed to have seen (cause she tells me all her therapists

think I am a horrible daughter). For the reason she's so smart, I

don't think I can get her committed as I talked to her social worker

about that. I don't really know though. She's definately smart and

knows right from wrong but can't function? Yes, no one else will give

her money. Part of the problem has also been her ex-boyfriend. He's

been helping her with $$$ since I was 5. Big mistake. She's lied to

him for things for years and gotten her way - he always gives in. And

so she knows she can always go to him, no matter what. I feel he

should have put his foot down years ago and then maybe she wouldn't

have had anyone to turn to. I have always said no when I was single

caues I didn't have any money and now that I am married and we do ok

she feels entitled to what we have. That's what bothers me. It's like

I am not allowed to live a nice, comfortable life, I owe it all to

her. She brings up how she raised me alone and had no help from my

dad (which is true). Joke is and my husband knows this too if she

were NICE and loving and came to our wedding, etc. and was a nice

mother and mother in law, we could help her and let her live with us.

Probably her family would too. But she's not and so therefore she

makes it impossible to help her.

>

> It is frightening to me, because I picture this is what my own nada

> would be like, were it not for my father. I have seen my sister

act

> this way with him, demanding more and more money, pushing him to

> extremes. By age 21, she had already owned about 4 luxury cars,

> thousands of dollars worth of diamonds, mink coats, and toy

> collections in the double digits. And we are a middle class family

> by any standard.

Wow, that's a lot of stuff. Does your sister hang onto it? My mom

would get stuff like that but always sell it when she needed money. I

bet it's hard for your dad to say no but he has to or your sister

will end up in a bad situation when she's older and can't take from

your dad (like my mom).

>

> I'm sorry; I'm digressing away from your story. It also sounds to

> me like your therapist might not be helping you to deal effectively

> enough with your nada. I think that having a STRONG sense of self

> and setting your own boundaries is extremely important to you now.

> Especially as a new mom! I think you may not have reached the

point

> yet of realizing exactly how harmful to you your nada is. It

sounds

> like you are still treating her as a responsibility of yours, and

> not as an abuser that you have the right to protect yourself (and

> your child) from. As others have suggested, UBM is a great start,

> and also, my bible, Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery.

I agree and actually have stopped seeing my therapist about 6 mos

ago. I kind of feel all talked out with her. I don't feel I am

getting anywhere anymore. She helped me realize it wasn't me but my

mom (finally!) but beyond that I really have not made progress in my

guilt or in as you said treating my mom like she's my responsiblity.

My mom tells me she is - she feels I should care for her as she did

me. And that's where I feel bad because I do feel I should help her

and do this and that for her on the one hand, but then the other part

of me doesn't, because honestly I have before and not only is it

completely draining, but I would spend my life helping her if that

was the case. And if I did help it wouldn't help her actual situation

as it would be something else later. My relatives won't help anymore

for same reason. They've given her a ton of money over the years for

whatever she needs and it never has actually either gone for that or

helped. If it went to a house, she'd leave the house a few months

later and need more. You get the picture. I look back to the $$$ I

sent her last year when she was in her car- it was gone in one day

and she called asking for more next day. No apt, nothing. She said I

didn't give her enuf. Maybe not for a townhome of her dreams but for

a studio or one bedroom I did. Nothing I do helps her situation.

That's what's soooo frustrating and you are right, she is not my

responsiblity. I guess I know she is harmful but I can't get over my

feelings that I still must be a bad daughter cause I didn't do this

or that. I know that's wrong but deep down I feel guilt cause I think

of what I could do for her. For exp now that she's in a nursing home

my best friend does not understand why I don't go visit her and try

to help. I told her I cannot. She's too abusive and I don't want to

leave my 5 mos old son or bring him near her. But my friend doesn't

get it and that's an exp. of why I doubt myself - maybe I am doing

wrong thing? I have been able to say no but I need to relieve

myself of that guilt and learn how to act towards her when she calls

and like you said, say no and mean it. I definatley will pick up some

more books. I also thought about seeing if there is a therapist in my

area that deals with this.

Thanks again Charlie -sorry I got so long winded (there's a lot to

say!)

[Guest guest]

> I honestly would

>like to walk away because I don't feel there is any hope until she

>gets some help but I just fear she will die or something will happen.

>I also cannot continue to have the screaming matches on the phone,

>the hanging up, the name calling, etc. I refuse to let my child be

>around that either. I grew up in it, my mom grew up in it but it

>stops there as far as I am concerned.

You are so right here. When you know better you can do better. There

is no justification for letting her keep you under stress or damage

your child. You can hope she will get help, but you being in her life

won't help her to get hope. Once you discover and know, really know,

that you have no power to help her, you will realize that the dangers

of keeping her in your life are too great. Even if you just look at

the havoc she creates inside your own head. Way too much energy goes

into trying to manage all that unwarranted guilt and conflict. You

need all your energy to be directed to loving and living well with

your husband and child. Even if she dies it will be her own choices

that got her there. You can't change her choices. Even if you could

it would still be her responsibility where she ends up. Dee

[Guest guest]

>

> When she goes on about how bad her RA is and she can't walk and

> has no money, what do I say? I think that would be helpful is if I

> know how to handle it and can then be in control.

Here's my 2 cents worth. With my mother, who complains about many

things that she is unwilling to do anything about, and I am unable to

do anything about, I do a lot of MMMMM, OH, Really, and try not to get

suckered into trying to fix anything for her. I used to try all the

time which usually ended up in an argument because anything I said was

the wrong thing for her. Now I often say something like: I'm sorry,

mom, there's just nothing I can do about that. Period. End of

Sentence. Silence on my end. I never try to get into justifying why

I can't solve her problem, but I just state simply and somewhat

forcefully that the is nothing I can do. Even making suggestions is

getting hooked into the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt.) Most times

they don't want to hear suggestions of how they can solve their

problems anyway. They just want something unreasonable from you, so

they can prove to themselves that they still have control and you

aren't abandoning them. It is sad, but their very behavior is what

drives KO's to finally having to cut contact with them. They make

their lives a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you can't handle talking to her, without it causing lots of guilt

or hooking you in, you may have to limit your calls or eliminate them

altogether. Only you can decide this. I do feel for you. Stay

strong and keep a level head as best you can. It is hard to do when

you have been conditioned all your life to be the parent to your

parent. Hugs, Dee

[Guest guest]

Hi , The thing about Grandparents Rights is that each state is

different. Some states are more in favor or the parents and some for

the grandparents. Unfortunatly the judge we had was awful. He was

very liberal for the grandparents and not for intact familys like

ours is. My husband and I have been married 6 years we have 2 kids.

Like most we don't have it perfect but we get along better than

average I would say. My husband and I have never even seen drugs in

real life. Neither one of us drink we don't even own a bottle of

beer or wine. We are active in church, community groups, and

volunteering. We are physically active people who spend much of our

time playing outside things with our children. Our children have

happy lives. They take swimming lessons, piano, play foot ball, have

Sunday school, and still have time for weekly playdates and family

time.

When we were in court the arguement was not that we were bad parents

or that the kids were unhappy. My mom just plain old wanted the

kids. In fact she even said I am a great mom. She on the other hand

is a child molester and a drunk/drugie with mental illness and

suicidal. On top of that her health is so bad she is unable to

hardly get out of bed or even hold a glass of water on a bad day.

But the judge did grant her the rights to see my kids. Never mind we

had restraining orders on her. And by the way I to had the emails

phone calls photos of abuse and paper work saved.

She DID GET partial custady of MY KIDS every other weekend, ALL

HOLIDAYS, INCLUDING ALL THE KIDS BIRTHDAYS AND CHRISTMAS, and the

summer. I would have got the kids for the week and some of the

weekends but not for the birthdays or any other fun/special time. We

were forced to see her once on christmas. She scared my children by

telling them she gave birth to me and many other crazy things. After

that my dad called the whole thing off and stopped paying the lawyer

and the judge couldn't do anything else because all papers were

withdrawn.

I will tell you this much if she ever does it again I will vanish

she will never find me again. I have family on 4 continents and I

will pick a place and keep moving. If she did find us I couldn't

live with myself knowing what she would do to my kids. That was much

more difficult than any birth(and I had a tramatic one) or any other

illness I have ever had. And I have had 5-6 surerys. I would take

physical pain any day than to deal with my mother. Lizzy

> > > >

> > > > Hello,

> > > > My name is and I am new. I have read " Walking on

> > Eggshells "

> > > > and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " recently. I am pretty

sure

> > my

> > > > mother has BPD and I have been dealing with her all my life

and

> > > feel I

> > > > have found what ails her, however, I'd really like to post

my

> > story

> > > > and get some more insight, opinions.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks and nice to meet everyone.

> > > >

> > >

> > > Here's my story it's long but I did my best to abbreviate it.

> > Thanks

> > > for listening!

> > >

> > > I introduced myself earlier but figured I'd post my story.

> > >

> > > I am not 100% sure my mother has BPD, however in lieu of

several

> > > recent events, a social worker that worked with her on a

recent

> > > hospital stay mentioned BPD to me and so I looked it up and it

> > really

> > > fits. For years I have been suffering with my mother and

> > > her " personality disorder " so it was nice to finally find

> > something

> > > that fit what I've been dealing with and hopefully I can get

some

> > > answers and some peace. Sadly, even thru all the books I still

> > can't

> > > seem to find an actual way to deal with her because her

situation

> > has

> > > become so critical at this point and she doesn't seem to

totally

> > fit

> > > even what other BPD people have - she's even beyond if that

makes

> > > sense and possibly something else is going on. Let me explain

my

> > > story a little and maybe some encouraging words or ideas some

of

> > you

> > > have would help - thanks for listening! (I'll try to be as

brief

> > as I

> > > can!!)

> > >

> > > Let me start by saying I am 39, married with a 5 month old

son. I

> > am

> > > not BP and neither is my husband. My mother is 63 and I am an

> only

> > > child and raised by her as a single parent. She is divorced

> > (since I

> > > was three) and lives alone and has for a long time. We don't

live

> > in

> > > the same state either so we are not close by. She has no

friends

> > > (she's written them all off in the last 20 years and has made

no

> > new

> > > one's) and she has also written off her family, which is quite

> > large.

> > > (by written off I mean literally sending them nasty letters,

> > > threatening to sue several of them, etc.). Her reasons are

> > > that " everyone is horrible to her and has wronged her. " She

feels

> > > that even myself and my husband have waged a campaign against

her

> > to

> > > everyone hates her. However, she is extremely nasty to them

and

> > they

> > > want nothing to do with her anyway, but fails to see that it's

> her

> > > actions that have driven them away. She only calls them when

she

> > > needs something, never any other time. Her parents are not

alive

> > and

> > > her sister who was manic depressive/psychotic died 3 years

ago.

> > She

> > > grew up in a very emotionally chaotic household and there is a

> lot

> > of

> > > manic depression on her side of the family. Anyway, I am the

ONLY

> > one

> > > to deal with her and have my whole life pretty much. I've been

> > more

> > > of the mother and her the daughter. My father is not a part of

my

> > > life either so I feel I've had no support on dealing with my

> > mother

> > > either. For years I always did what she asked and gave in but

> > after a

> > > while, when I went off to college on my own, I realized I

would

> go

> > > crazy if I continued to always give into her. Anyway, here's

the

> > > story in a nutshell and where we are now at the end of the

story.

> > >

> > > My mother has always been extremely needy, both emotionally

and

> > > financially. When I was younger she didn't seem as bad as she

is

> > now.

> > > She actually got worse when I went to college and even worse

when

> > I

> > > was getting married three years ago. To the point where we

really

> > > have no relationship anymore, only occasional phone calls that

> end

> > in

> > > fights and she only calls when she wants something, usually

> money.

> > I

> > > remember her as very loving when I was growing up but also

very

> > > controlling. If I didn't do it her way, I'd have to pay for

it.

> > She

> > > always labeled me a problem child because we didn't get along.

> > Partly

> > > because I always stuck up for myself and wouldn't cave into

her

> > > needs - or at least tried to not cave in. I think she wanted

> > someone

> > > to go along with her and agree. Really that's the only way to

get

> > > along with her is do as she asks but even then it's never good

> > enough.

> > >

> > > Her survival most of her life as been by always getting help

> > > financially from family and friends. She will lie and

manipulate

> > to

> > > get what she wants. If you say no, that's not the right answer

> and

> > > she will " Draw blood " as I call it to get her way until you

give

> > in.

> > > She used to work, even if not steady, and even has a masters

> > degree

> > > but whatever she has earned income wise has never been enough

for

> > the

> > > way she lives which is beyond her means. She is extremely

> > intelligent

> > > too and so is very good at getting around any kind

of " disorder "

> > she

> > > may have. She has to have the best of everything and eats

every

> > meal

> > > out. She is also constantly in a " crisis " situation - she

moves

> > > probably every 6 mos at least and is very angry and bitter

toward

> > > almost everyone. She has Rhuemotiod Arthritis and has been on

> > > disability for 20 years now (even though before she got really

> bad

> > > she could have continued to work) and will explain more about

her

> > > disease in a bit.

> > >

> > > Growing up we always moved. My mom was never satisfied with

where

> > we

> > > were - house to house, city to city, school to school for me -

we

> > > never bought a house - always rented. She always changed jobs.

> > Again

> > > never happy with anything. We never had any money and looking

> back

> > I

> > > believe it's because she lived beyond her means. If she did

have

> > it

> > > she spent it. She borrowed all the time from relatives, her

> > parents

> > > and she has an old boyfriend she borrowed from (and still

does!)

> > for

> > > over 35 years. She has come into money before (a lot) and it's

> > been

> > > gone so fast - spent on shopping sprees, cars, getting her

hair

> > done,

> > > etc. She never bought any furniture for her houses (our

houses!)-

> > > probably because it was easier to move without it. If she ever

> > did,

> > > we always sold it. It was a very weird way to grow up. I just

> > thought

> > > she was eccentric. She was also the " cool mom " all my

gilfriends

> > > could talk to her about boys, etc. She was very very pretty

too.

> > If I

> > > ever " challenged " her on anything though I got yelled at. If I

> > ever

> > > suggested she buy a condo or save some money, I was told " it's

> not

> > my

> > > business. " Yet she'd call me for money all the time. Later in

> life

> > > when I went out on my own to college she'd call me for money

from

> > my

> > > student loan (I supported myself by loans and working). If I

> > didn't

> > > give, I'd have to pay for it with her threats. So for years

I'd

> > give

> > > in - give her money, fly out to where she lived to help her

move

> > (I

> > > haven't lived in the same city as her for 20 years), sit on

the

> > phone

> > > with her for hours, night after night, several times a night

> going

> > > over the latest " crisis " she had. She'd call me at work and

not

> > leave

> > > me alone for money. She seemed to get a lot worse when I went

to

> > > college - more needy of things. I had to drop everything to

give

> > > into her or she'd threaten to disown me which being an only

child

> > > with no father figure always scared me so I always gave in. I

> > spent

> > > years in therapy discussing her with various therapists - not

> > really

> > > getting anywhere. I tried setting limits but they didn't seem

to

> > work

> > > and I admit I have a hard time because she is also all I have

> > family

> > > wise (besides my husband, child and my cousins). I never could

> > talk

> > > with her correctly - I always got defensive and angry myself.

I

> > know

> > > now in reading these books that's not the way. She made me

doubt

> > > myself all my life. To this day I still do. I have very low

self

> > > esteem and high anxiety because of the way I grew up with her.

> > >

> > > Anyway besides what I just wrote my mother is EXTREMELY

> > emotionally

> > > abusive to me as well and that's the hardest part in all of

this.

> > > She's this way to her family, my husband, but mostly to me.

> > Whenever

> > > I try to discuss it or tell her how I feel all my life I've

been

> > > told " I don't want to hear it " , " you are giving me a headache "

or

> > she

> > > will talk over me and hang up. If I write a letter, she tears

it

> > up.

> > > I never had a voice. She calls me names, puts me down, says I

am

> > the

> > > reason we don't get along, I am a bad daughter. She always has

> > > some " third party endorsement " as to why I am bad too - she

has

> > all

> > > these stories and so called " people " she runs into that she

tells

> > how

> > > I treat her (ie don't give her what she wants is treating her

> bad)

> > > and how horrible I am. She claims she didn't come to my

wedding

> > > because of " my bad behavior " . Wasn't there for me when I was

> > pregnant

> > > (actually had a huge crisis during the whole time which I will

> get

> > to

> > > in a minute cause it's effecting me now still), wasn't here

when

> I

> > > had my child and has threatened to sue me and my husband

> > > (for " alientation of affection " and " grandparents rights " !).

Joke

> > is

> > > I think I was a pretty good daughter. I got good grades, never

> > lied,

> > > had good friends, didn't drink, do drugs, etc. (btw, my mom

> > doesn't

> > > do drugs or drink either in case anyone asks cause people do

> based

> > on

> > > her behavior). She has told me I'd be a horrible mother (and I

> > didn't

> > > want to have children because of her) and many other horrible

> > things.

> > > She calls me names. She says my husband is a " cult leader " and

I

> > am

> > > in a cult. (kind of funny huh?) She calls him " guard dog " and

> > hangs

> > > up on him when he answers the phone. We have limited her

calls

> by

> > > changing our phone number and she only has my cell and I am

ready

> > to

> > > change that however I fear losing total contact with her.

However

> > all

> > > I get is abuse. She's never met my husband and never seen her

> > > grandchild. She again blames me and says I am married to a

> > horrible

> > > man (because he tries to talk rationally to her, she dislikes

him

> > and

> > > also dislikes him cause he won't give her more money) and am

> > keeping

> > > her from her grandchild, however these are all her choices. I

> > don't

> > > prefer she's around my family but I have never told her to

stay

> > away.

> > > That's been her choice. She just isn't the kind of mother that

is

> > > there for me.

> > >

> > > My mother calls me several times a day and leaves me horrible

> > msgs.

> > > Threatens to disown me (which she now has done again- haven't

> > talked

> > > to her for a while), sue me or kill herself IF I don't do what

> she

> > > wants - which is give her more money. It seems anytime she

talks

> > to

> > > me she wants money and if I don't give it, I am the bad guy

and a

> > > horrible daughter. Everything with her now revolves around her

> > money

> > > and getting it.

> > >

> > > Another HUGE issue is that she also has severe Rhuemotoid

> > Arthritis

> > > (she's had this disease about 20 years) but has refused any

> > > medication or doctor's help. I think honestly she uses this to

> her

> > > benefit to try to get what she wants. She blames me for her

> > disease.

> > > She uses it to try to get what she wants - she can't do...

(fill

> > in

> > > the blank) because of her RA so therefore she needs money.

Can't

> > > cook, can't get out of her car to look for a place to live,

can't

> > get

> > > operated on for various reasons, can't take medicine (it

causes

> > > cancer), I could go on and on. So we get nowhere. All

> > conversations

> > > go nowhere as there are no solutions. I am a very

> rational/logical

> > > person too and it's very very frustrating for me.

> > >

> > > That's what brings me to now and I am not sure I am doing the

> > right

> > > thing but I really don't know what else to do. I cannot

continue

> > to

> > > let her emotionally drain me and my family so I've stopped

> talking

> > to

> > > her and when she is abusive I get off the phone. I am not

helping

> > her

> > > financially because I cannot anymore. About a year ago she

moved

> > > again- then 6 mos later wanted to move back. She called me to

> help

> > > her move. I said no. Of course I got yelled at, disowned, etc.

So

> > a

> > > few months later after I am pregnant she calls me again - I

tell

> > her

> > > I am pregnant and we have a few nice conversations until she

> > > again " needs something. " Apparently she is now living in a

hotel

> > > cause she moved on her own and had no place to live and her ex-

> > > boyfriend was to give her money and now didn't and she's in a

> > hotel

> > > and hasn't paid and is going to get kicked out. She owes them

> > > thousands she says! I said I cannot help. So this goes on for

> > months.

> > > She decides to take the rest of her disability payments in ONE

> > LUMP

> > > SUM and get out of hotel. Ok so now she's out and has spent

ALL

> > HER

> > > INCOME and has no where to live. She now only has a Social

> > Security

> > > check for the rest of her life and nothing else, period. Nice

> > > situation. Plus she's disabled. But she has her nice car and

her

> > cell

> > > phone. So now she's living in her car. Calls me day and night

for

> > > money. We give her some money to help her get an apt. Her

> > relatives

> > > give her some money (they want nothing more to do with her now

as

> > > that's the only reason she ever calls them and then is nasty

to

> > them-

> > > same as me) also to get an apt. She gets enuf for an apt but

she

> > > doesn't use that money to get into a place to live but instead

to

> > pay

> > > her car payments which are behind. I was livid. So this went

on

> > for

> > > months. So I finally offer to pay a deposit to an apt but not

to

> > her

> > > but to the place. My cousin also offered to pay her first

month's

> > > rent but again not to my mom, to the place (cause my mom would

> > spend

> > > it). My mom refused and had a ton of excuses why this won't

work.

> > > Anway, I get a call about 2 mos ago that she checked into a

> > hospital

> > > cause after living in her car she was very sick. I was HOPING

> > someone

> > > there would help her but the social worker I talked to said my

> mom

> > > was impossible and complained all the time, refused treatment,

> > > wouldn't eat the food, etc. That's the person that mentioned

BPD

> > to

> > > me (don't think he mentioned it to my mom?) She is then moved

> into

> > a

> > > nursing home and calls me hysterical that she will kill

herself

> if

> > I

> > > don't get her out. She has no money, we can't afford to put

her

> in

> > a

> > > nice housing situation which is what she wants and she needs a

> > nurse

> > > to care her her now that her RA is really bad and she won't

get

> > > operated on either. She won't look into what Medicare will

> provide

> > > for her. I talked to a nurse at the nursing home and my mom

has a

> > few

> > > other housing options but my mom won't discuss with me - said

> it's

> > > not my business. I have offered to help pay for housing if

she

> > got

> > > into a situation where she was cared for but she won't. All

she

> > > wanted was for me to send her huge amounts of $$$ so she could

> > order

> > > food to be delivered cause the food was bad and she was

wasting

> > away

> > > and needed her strength. Here she's in a place that provides

her

> > > meals and she won't eat them and again - my fault. But

discussing

> > her

> > > housing situation when she has no where to live still when she

> > gets

> > > out of nursing home was off limits for me. Anyway now she said

> she

> > > will never speak to me again - I have no idea what's going on

> with

> > > her as she has no where to go when she gets out but she lies

to

> > all

> > > these places she's at and tells them she does - I have called

a

> > few

> > > times to talk to her doctors, etc. and she won't give me

> > permission

> > > now so it's a dead end. I feel so guilty as I don't want

anything

> > to

> > > happen to her but I don't know how to help her anymore and

she's

> > > draining me so much emotionally and I feel so angry over it

all.

> > > It's all about her needs and her crisis situations and I don't

> > know

> > > how to help anymore. I feel guilty too cause I COULD have her

> come

> > > live with us but I won't do that to me or my family and also

my

> > > husband refuses (she's told him " he's better off dead " ) and I

> > don't

> > > want her around me or my son as she's abusive. Plus we cannot

> take

> > > care of her. I would probably go insane. I can't help her

> > financially

> > > cause I don't have the money for what she thinks she needs (to

> > live

> > > on her own in a nice townhome or house in the LA area). She

won't

> > > live within her means, get the opearations, get a job if she

does

> > or

> > > even look into assisted living of any kind. I don't know how

to

> > help

> > > her. No one does and no one else wants anything to do with her

> > > anymore. No one can deal with her abuse or keep giving her

money

> > > because it doesn't help.

> > >

> > > So that's where I am now. I still harbor extreme guilt. I

don't

> > have

> > > normal conversations with her when she is talking to me. She

only

> > > calls to either yell at me, leave me nasty msgs or demand

money.

> I

> > > should also mention she also calls my friends and even my

> > husband's

> > > partner and tells them horrible things about me, him, etc.

> > Everyone

> > > tells me to just never talk to her again after the way she

treats

> > me

> > > but that's hard as she's my mom and I want her to be ok but I

> > don't

> > > know how?

> > >

> > > I know she is not my responsiblity and she needs to figure out

> how

> > to

> > > live on her own but I fear she never will.

> > >

> > > I just need to know I am doing the right thing in getting her

out

> > of

> > > my life and it's very hard. If you have another suggestion I

> would

> > > love to hear it. I hope I have explained things well enuf. I

know

> > I

> > > have left a lot out cause the extent of her cruelty and

emotional

> > > issues are huge. My therapist says she's never seen anyone

like

> my

> > > mother!

> > >

> > > Anyway, thanks for listening and hope this wasn't too long of

a

> > > story. Am glad i found this site!

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

HI again Mandy,

Wow, what you wrote about your BP mom is very similar to mine and YES

they are like a 3 year old! With temper tantrums and all. One thing

you said about going NC - I guess I should have done that but my mom

is the one to always do that (basically says she's never speaking to

me ever again or taking a break) and she does this and then will call

me on her terms. So right now she's not talking to me and I have no

clue what's going on with her. So what do I do when she does call

(and she will) when she needs something? My husband made a good point

last night when I was telling him about this site and we talked about

my mom and limits and he said she only calls me when she wants

something or is in a crisis and not any other time (never just to say

hi, chat, how is baby, etc.) and when I won't give her what she

needs, she deosn't speak to me again for days, weeks, months and then

it starts all over. THIS is my relationship with her now and it needs

to stop I just do not know how. I am thinking when she calls needing

something again after saying she wants nothing to do with me I tell

her I decided to take a 6 mos break from her and will not be speaking

with her until that time? However then what? I guess not sure what to

do with NC (maybe that's in one of the books and I need to refresh

myself).

I am just so tired of the conversations with her that go nowhere. I

try to offer help (suggestions) but unless I can give her money,

she's not interested.

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello,

> > > > > My name is and I am new. I have read " Walking on

> > > Eggshells "

> > > > > and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " recently. I am pretty

> sure

> > > my

> > > > > mother has BPD and I have been dealing with her all my life

> and

> > > > feel I

> > > > > have found what ails her, however, I'd really like to post

my

> > > story

> > > > > and get some more insight, opinions.

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks and nice to meet everyone.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > > Here's my story it's long but I did my best to abbreviate it.

> > > Thanks

> > > > for listening!

> > > >

> > > > I introduced myself earlier but figured I'd post my story.

> > > >

> > > > I am not 100% sure my mother has BPD, however in lieu of

> several

> > > > recent events, a social worker that worked with her on a

recent

> > > > hospital stay mentioned BPD to me and so I looked it up and

it

> > > really

> > > > fits. For years I have been suffering with my mother and

> > > > her " personality disorder " so it was nice to finally find

> > > something

> > > > that fit what I've been dealing with and hopefully I can get

> some

> > > > answers and some peace. Sadly, even thru all the books I

still

> > > can't

> > > > seem to find an actual way to deal with her because her

> situation

> > > has

> > > > become so critical at this point and she doesn't seem to

> totally

> > > fit

> > > > even what other BPD people have - she's even beyond if that

> makes

> > > > sense and possibly something else is going on. Let me explain

> my

> > > > story a little and maybe some encouraging words or ideas some

> of

> > > you

> > > > have would help - thanks for listening! (I'll try to be as

> brief

> > > as I

> > > > can!!)

> > > >

> > > > Let me start by saying I am 39, married with a 5 month old

son.

> I

> > > am

> > > > not BP and neither is my husband. My mother is 63 and I am an

> > only

> > > > child and raised by her as a single parent. She is divorced

> > > (since I

> > > > was three) and lives alone and has for a long time. We don't

> live

> > > in

> > > > the same state either so we are not close by. She has no

> friends

> > > > (she's written them all off in the last 20 years and has made

> no

> > > new

> > > > one's) and she has also written off her family, which is

quite

> > > large.

> > > > (by written off I mean literally sending them nasty letters,

> > > > threatening to sue several of them, etc.). Her reasons are

> > > > that " everyone is horrible to her and has wronged her. " She

> feels

> > > > that even myself and my husband have waged a campaign against

> her

> > > to

> > > > everyone hates her. However, she is extremely nasty to them

and

> > > they

> > > > want nothing to do with her anyway, but fails to see that

it's

> > her

> > > > actions that have driven them away. She only calls them when

> she

> > > > needs something, never any other time. Her parents are not

> alive

> > > and

> > > > her sister who was manic depressive/psychotic died 3 years

ago.

> > > She

> > > > grew up in a very emotionally chaotic household and there is

a

> > lot

> > > of

> > > > manic depression on her side of the family. Anyway, I am the

> ONLY

> > > one

> > > > to deal with her and have my whole life pretty much. I've

been

> > > more

> > > > of the mother and her the daughter. My father is not a part

of

> my

> > > > life either so I feel I've had no support on dealing with my

> > > mother

> > > > either. For years I always did what she asked and gave in but

> > > after a

> > > > while, when I went off to college on my own, I realized I

would

> > go

> > > > crazy if I continued to always give into her. Anyway, here's

> the

> > > > story in a nutshell and where we are now at the end of the

> story.

> > > >

> > > > My mother has always been extremely needy, both emotionally

and

> > > > financially. When I was younger she didn't seem as bad as she

> is

> > > now.

> > > > She actually got worse when I went to college and even worse

> when

> > > I

> > > > was getting married three years ago. To the point where we

> really

> > > > have no relationship anymore, only occasional phone calls

that

> > end

> > > in

> > > > fights and she only calls when she wants something, usually

> > money.

> > > I

> > > > remember her as very loving when I was growing up but also

very

> > > > controlling. If I didn't do it her way, I'd have to pay for

it.

> > > She

> > > > always labeled me a problem child because we didn't get

along.

> > > Partly

> > > > because I always stuck up for myself and wouldn't cave into

her

> > > > needs - or at least tried to not cave in. I think she wanted

> > > someone

> > > > to go along with her and agree. Really that's the only way to

> get

> > > > along with her is do as she asks but even then it's never

good

> > > enough.

> > > >

> > > > Her survival most of her life as been by always getting help

> > > > financially from family and friends. She will lie and

> manipulate

> > > to

> > > > get what she wants. If you say no, that's not the right

answer

> > and

> > > > she will " Draw blood " as I call it to get her way until you

> give

> > > in.

> > > > She used to work, even if not steady, and even has a masters

> > > degree

> > > > but whatever she has earned income wise has never been enough

> for

> > > the

> > > > way she lives which is beyond her means. She is extremely

> > > intelligent

> > > > too and so is very good at getting around any kind

> of " disorder "

> > > she

> > > > may have. She has to have the best of everything and eats

every

> > > meal

> > > > out. She is also constantly in a " crisis " situation - she

moves

> > > > probably every 6 mos at least and is very angry and bitter

> toward

> > > > almost everyone. She has Rhuemotiod Arthritis and has been on

> > > > disability for 20 years now (even though before she got

really

> > bad

> > > > she could have continued to work) and will explain more about

> her

> > > > disease in a bit.

> > > >

> > > > Growing up we always moved. My mom was never satisfied with

> where

> > > we

> > > > were - house to house, city to city, school to school for me -

> we

> > > > never bought a house - always rented. She always changed

jobs.

> > > Again

> > > > never happy with anything. We never had any money and looking

> > back

> > > I

> > > > believe it's because she lived beyond her means. If she did

> have

> > > it

> > > > she spent it. She borrowed all the time from relatives, her

> > > parents

> > > > and she has an old boyfriend she borrowed from (and still

> does!)

> > > for

> > > > over 35 years. She has come into money before (a lot) and

it's

> > > been

> > > > gone so fast - spent on shopping sprees, cars, getting her

hair

> > > done,

> > > > etc. She never bought any furniture for her houses (our

> houses!)-

> > > > probably because it was easier to move without it. If she

ever

> > > did,

> > > > we always sold it. It was a very weird way to grow up. I just

> > > thought

> > > > she was eccentric. She was also the " cool mom " all my

> gilfriends

> > > > could talk to her about boys, etc. She was very very pretty

> too.

> > > If I

> > > > ever " challenged " her on anything though I got yelled at. If

I

> > > ever

> > > > suggested she buy a condo or save some money, I was

told " it's

> > not

> > > my

> > > > business. " Yet she'd call me for money all the time. Later in

> > life

> > > > when I went out on my own to college she'd call me for money

> from

> > > my

> > > > student loan (I supported myself by loans and working). If I

> > > didn't

> > > > give, I'd have to pay for it with her threats. So for years

> I'd

> > > give

> > > > in - give her money, fly out to where she lived to help her

> move

> > > (I

> > > > haven't lived in the same city as her for 20 years), sit on

the

> > > phone

> > > > with her for hours, night after night, several times a night

> > going

> > > > over the latest " crisis " she had. She'd call me at work and

not

> > > leave

> > > > me alone for money. She seemed to get a lot worse when I went

> to

> > > > college - more needy of things. I had to drop everything to

> give

> > > > into her or she'd threaten to disown me which being an only

> child

> > > > with no father figure always scared me so I always gave in. I

> > > spent

> > > > years in therapy discussing her with various therapists - not

> > > really

> > > > getting anywhere. I tried setting limits but they didn't seem

> to

> > > work

> > > > and I admit I have a hard time because she is also all I have

> > > family

> > > > wise (besides my husband, child and my cousins). I never

could

> > > talk

> > > > with her correctly - I always got defensive and angry myself.

I

> > > know

> > > > now in reading these books that's not the way. She made me

> doubt

> > > > myself all my life. To this day I still do. I have very low

> self

> > > > esteem and high anxiety because of the way I grew up with

her.

> > > >

> > > > Anyway besides what I just wrote my mother is EXTREMELY

> > > emotionally

> > > > abusive to me as well and that's the hardest part in all of

> this.

> > > > She's this way to her family, my husband, but mostly to me.

> > > Whenever

> > > > I try to discuss it or tell her how I feel all my life I've

> been

> > > > told " I don't want to hear it " , " you are giving me a

headache "

> or

> > > she

> > > > will talk over me and hang up. If I write a letter, she tears

> it

> > > up.

> > > > I never had a voice. She calls me names, puts me down, says I

> am

> > > the

> > > > reason we don't get along, I am a bad daughter. She always

has

> > > > some " third party endorsement " as to why I am bad too - she

has

> > > all

> > > > these stories and so called " people " she runs into that she

> tells

> > > how

> > > > I treat her (ie don't give her what she wants is treating her

> > bad)

> > > > and how horrible I am. She claims she didn't come to my

wedding

> > > > because of " my bad behavior " . Wasn't there for me when I was

> > > pregnant

> > > > (actually had a huge crisis during the whole time which I

will

> > get

> > > to

> > > > in a minute cause it's effecting me now still), wasn't here

> when

> > I

> > > > had my child and has threatened to sue me and my husband

> > > > (for " alientation of affection " and " grandparents rights " !).

> Joke

> > > is

> > > > I think I was a pretty good daughter. I got good grades,

never

> > > lied,

> > > > had good friends, didn't drink, do drugs, etc. (btw, my mom

> > > doesn't

> > > > do drugs or drink either in case anyone asks cause people do

> > based

> > > on

> > > > her behavior). She has told me I'd be a horrible mother (and

I

> > > didn't

> > > > want to have children because of her) and many other horrible

> > > things.

> > > > She calls me names. She says my husband is a " cult leader "

and

> I

> > > am

> > > > in a cult. (kind of funny huh?) She calls him " guard dog " and

> > > hangs

> > > > up on him when he answers the phone. We have limited her

calls

> > by

> > > > changing our phone number and she only has my cell and I am

> ready

> > > to

> > > > change that however I fear losing total contact with her.

> However

> > > all

> > > > I get is abuse. She's never met my husband and never seen her

> > > > grandchild. She again blames me and says I am married to a

> > > horrible

> > > > man (because he tries to talk rationally to her, she dislikes

> him

> > > and

> > > > also dislikes him cause he won't give her more money) and am

> > > keeping

> > > > her from her grandchild, however these are all her choices. I

> > > don't

> > > > prefer she's around my family but I have never told her to

stay

> > > away.

> > > > That's been her choice. She just isn't the kind of mother

that

> is

> > > > there for me.

> > > >

> > > > My mother calls me several times a day and leaves me horrible

> > > msgs.

> > > > Threatens to disown me (which she now has done again- haven't

> > > talked

> > > > to her for a while), sue me or kill herself IF I don't do

what

> > she

> > > > wants - which is give her more money. It seems anytime she

> talks

> > > to

> > > > me she wants money and if I don't give it, I am the bad guy

and

> a

> > > > horrible daughter. Everything with her now revolves around

her

> > > money

> > > > and getting it.

> > > >

> > > > Another HUGE issue is that she also has severe Rhuemotoid

> > > Arthritis

> > > > (she's had this disease about 20 years) but has refused any

> > > > medication or doctor's help. I think honestly she uses this

to

> > her

> > > > benefit to try to get what she wants. She blames me for her

> > > disease.

> > > > She uses it to try to get what she wants - she can't do...

> (fill

> > > in

> > > > the blank) because of her RA so therefore she needs money.

> Can't

> > > > cook, can't get out of her car to look for a place to live,

> can't

> > > get

> > > > operated on for various reasons, can't take medicine (it

causes

> > > > cancer), I could go on and on. So we get nowhere. All

> > > conversations

> > > > go nowhere as there are no solutions. I am a very

> > rational/logical

> > > > person too and it's very very frustrating for me.

> > > >

> > > > That's what brings me to now and I am not sure I am doing the

> > > right

> > > > thing but I really don't know what else to do. I cannot

> continue

> > > to

> > > > let her emotionally drain me and my family so I've stopped

> > talking

> > > to

> > > > her and when she is abusive I get off the phone. I am not

> helping

> > > her

> > > > financially because I cannot anymore. About a year ago she

> moved

> > > > again- then 6 mos later wanted to move back. She called me to

> > help

> > > > her move. I said no. Of course I got yelled at, disowned,

etc.

> So

> > > a

> > > > few months later after I am pregnant she calls me again - I

> tell

> > > her

> > > > I am pregnant and we have a few nice conversations until she

> > > > again " needs something. " Apparently she is now living in a

> hotel

> > > > cause she moved on her own and had no place to live and her

ex-

> > > > boyfriend was to give her money and now didn't and she's in a

> > > hotel

> > > > and hasn't paid and is going to get kicked out. She owes them

> > > > thousands she says! I said I cannot help. So this goes on for

> > > months.

> > > > She decides to take the rest of her disability payments in

ONE

> > > LUMP

> > > > SUM and get out of hotel. Ok so now she's out and has spent

ALL

> > > HER

> > > > INCOME and has no where to live. She now only has a Social

> > > Security

> > > > check for the rest of her life and nothing else, period. Nice

> > > > situation. Plus she's disabled. But she has her nice car and

> her

> > > cell

> > > > phone. So now she's living in her car. Calls me day and night

> for

> > > > money. We give her some money to help her get an apt. Her

> > > relatives

> > > > give her some money (they want nothing more to do with her

now

> as

> > > > that's the only reason she ever calls them and then is nasty

to

> > > them-

> > > > same as me) also to get an apt. She gets enuf for an apt but

> she

> > > > doesn't use that money to get into a place to live but

instead

> to

> > > pay

> > > > her car payments which are behind. I was livid. So this went

on

> > > for

> > > > months. So I finally offer to pay a deposit to an apt but

not

> to

> > > her

> > > > but to the place. My cousin also offered to pay her first

> month's

> > > > rent but again not to my mom, to the place (cause my mom

would

> > > spend

> > > > it). My mom refused and had a ton of excuses why this won't

> work.

> > > > Anway, I get a call about 2 mos ago that she checked into a

> > > hospital

> > > > cause after living in her car she was very sick. I was HOPING

> > > someone

> > > > there would help her but the social worker I talked to said

my

> > mom

> > > > was impossible and complained all the time, refused

treatment,

> > > > wouldn't eat the food, etc. That's the person that mentioned

> BPD

> > > to

> > > > me (don't think he mentioned it to my mom?) She is then moved

> > into

> > > a

> > > > nursing home and calls me hysterical that she will kill

herself

> > if

> > > I

> > > > don't get her out. She has no money, we can't afford to put

her

> > in

> > > a

> > > > nice housing situation which is what she wants and she needs

a

> > > nurse

> > > > to care her her now that her RA is really bad and she won't

get

> > > > operated on either. She won't look into what Medicare will

> > provide

> > > > for her. I talked to a nurse at the nursing home and my mom

has

> a

> > > few

> > > > other housing options but my mom won't discuss with me - said

> > it's

> > > > not my business. I have offered to help pay for housing if

she

> > > got

> > > > into a situation where she was cared for but she won't. All

> she

> > > > wanted was for me to send her huge amounts of $$$ so she

could

> > > order

> > > > food to be delivered cause the food was bad and she was

wasting

> > > away

> > > > and needed her strength. Here she's in a place that provides

> her

> > > > meals and she won't eat them and again - my fault. But

> discussing

> > > her

> > > > housing situation when she has no where to live still when

she

> > > gets

> > > > out of nursing home was off limits for me. Anyway now she

said

> > she

> > > > will never speak to me again - I have no idea what's going on

> > with

> > > > her as she has no where to go when she gets out but she lies

to

> > > all

> > > > these places she's at and tells them she does - I have called

a

> > > few

> > > > times to talk to her doctors, etc. and she won't give me

> > > permission

> > > > now so it's a dead end. I feel so guilty as I don't want

> anything

> > > to

> > > > happen to her but I don't know how to help her anymore and

> she's

> > > > draining me so much emotionally and I feel so angry over it

> all.

> > > > It's all about her needs and her crisis situations and I

don't

> > > know

> > > > how to help anymore. I feel guilty too cause I COULD have her

> > come

> > > > live with us but I won't do that to me or my family and also

my

> > > > husband refuses (she's told him " he's better off dead " ) and I

> > > don't

> > > > want her around me or my son as she's abusive. Plus we cannot

> > take

> > > > care of her. I would probably go insane. I can't help her

> > > financially

> > > > cause I don't have the money for what she thinks she needs

(to

> > > live

> > > > on her own in a nice townhome or house in the LA area). She

> won't

> > > > live within her means, get the opearations, get a job if she

> does

> > > or

> > > > even look into assisted living of any kind. I don't know how

to

> > > help

> > > > her. No one does and no one else wants anything to do with

her

> > > > anymore. No one can deal with her abuse or keep giving her

> money

> > > > because it doesn't help.

> > > >

> > > > So that's where I am now. I still harbor extreme guilt. I

don't

> > > have

> > > > normal conversations with her when she is talking to me. She

> only

> > > > calls to either yell at me, leave me nasty msgs or demand

> money.

> > I

> > > > should also mention she also calls my friends and even my

> > > husband's

> > > > partner and tells them horrible things about me, him, etc.

> > > Everyone

> > > > tells me to just never talk to her again after the way she

> treats

> > > me

> > > > but that's hard as she's my mom and I want her to be ok but I

> > > don't

> > > > know how?

> > > >

> > > > I know she is not my responsiblity and she needs to figure

out

> > how

> > > to

> > > > live on her own but I fear she never will.

> > > >

> > > > I just need to know I am doing the right thing in getting her

> out

> > > of

> > > > my life and it's very hard. If you have another suggestion I

> > would

> > > > love to hear it. I hope I have explained things well enuf. I

> know

> > > I

> > > > have left a lot out cause the extent of her cruelty and

> emotional

> > > > issues are huge. My therapist says she's never seen anyone

like

> > my

> > > > mother!

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, thanks for listening and hope this wasn't too long of

a

> > > > story. Am glad i found this site!

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> > >

> > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> > SHELL () for your copy. We also refer

to " Understanding

> > the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

> > Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to

the

> > WTO community!

> > >

> > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I definitely know where you're coming from. First, give yourself a

hug and remind yourself that at this point its not about being a

good daughter its about you being a good you. I know it sounds

cheesey but its true. The good daughter label really can only come

from your parents, and if you're parents are incapable of giving you

that label because of mental illness, you have to let go of it and

know you are the best person you can be under the circumstances.

Here are a few things I share in common with you with my mom. And

yes I still call her mom, labeling her anything else really doesnt

make sense in my situation - this is who she has always been.

I was also an only child. And thats what maked the situation for me

so nerve raking. No one was there to say, 'thats not true' or 'thats

not fair' to her. Just me. Like you I tried to hold my ground. I

tried to insist that the control and manipulation just wasnt fair or

right. I was also the 'good daughter', I made good grades, and since

she never really allowed me to go out and visit other people

(including friends and family) without here present, I certainly

never got into sex, drug, rock n roll, etc. My mom also has written

all her friends off (or basically annoyed them to the point they

avoid her). Same with family. I have to admit that she doesnt suck

them dry for money but she does only contact them when she needs

something. And like your mom, she says that they have all wronged

her. And yes, some have, but not all. She definitely has the

everybody hates her mentality. Like you, i spent my life giving in

and keeping the peace. There have been numerous times she had me on

my knees begging her forgivness for things that I hadnt even done.

And when i went to college and she continued on to try to control

and manipulate me (oh and I too had to give mom my student loan

money cause she 'needed' it - even though i was working and paying

for school by myself), I finally pulled away which just made her

snap. In the last maybe 4 years she's taken numerous occasions to

threaten and attempt to kill herself to force me to visit her. She

has crohns disease (its a bad colon condition) and other health

problems that since i was young she blamed me for making her sick by

being such a 'bad' daughter. But like your mother mine was also very

loving. There were 'up' periods that would last for months at a time

where she never got mad at me and i was her perfect child. Then I'd

ask to go to a school dance, or spend the nite at a friend's and i

was back on her 'bad apple' list. She tried to convince me in high

school (almost sucessfully) that I was insane and needed mental

help. She even threatened to have me committed if i didnt change my

attitude. Like you, we moved (i count about 14 times) over the

course of my childhood. Everywhere we went the neighbors

were 'after' her, or harassing her. This landed us in homeless

shelters and battered womens shelters (and you can guess she was

never battered)on at least three or four occasions because she would

move without having any resources to get a new place. Oh yeah and my

pet peeve was that she was the 'cool' mom to my friends. They were

like queens when they came over. She cooked for them, talked to

them, they loved her. They never saw her pull me aside and yell at

me in the next room for looking at her funny, or 'talking back' to

her in front of them. She even slapped me while I had a friend over

then made me clean my face up so my friend wouldnt know. I'm dealing

with her moving again right now with no finances. I wanted to help

her and pay for everything and get her deposit and pay for movers -

but she basically said I hate her and she will die there because she

wanted to move in with me. Sheesh. But I still keep the offer on the

table for help moving, but thats just me. Like you I always got

angry and defensive when dealing with that kind of behavior. I took

offense when she told me I hated her, I just couldnt understand the

logic. But the conversation today with her (where she yelled and

said she would die and said she didnt want me and hung up) I

actually kept completely calm and I didnt get upset and I am so

happy for that. So thats just to say maybe someday that will happen

for you. I got there through prayer though. Oh, and I also had a

boyfriend in college my mom accused of being in a cult and having me

in the cult also...being drugged, being whored out, etc. Anyway, I

just wanted to let you know that the unnatural stuff you dealt with

you arent alone. We all know that BPs are manipulative but not all

of us have a single parent that was actually a 'loving' mom. Hang in

there. Im only 24 and I'm learning all of this stuff thats

validating so much in my life. Its good to see you got married and

have a child. I'm waiting to get there someday. Take care.

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

WOW! Your story almost mimics mine - I can't believe there is another

mother out there like mine - honestly. I feel so horrible for you too

because I know what you are going thru. The only thing that I think

is good is that you are 24 and have her figured out. I didn't figure

my mom out until recently and I am 40 (today, btw!). I think it's

good you know your mom has BPD at such a young age and you have your

whole life ahead of you to make sure you live the life you want and

not let her suck you dry. If my mom had her way I wouldn't be

married. She wanted me all to herself and when I met my husband is

when she actually totally pulled away from me- not coming to my

engagement party, wedding, etc. She wants nothing to do with us

unless she needs something. That's our relationship now. Do what you

can to not let your mom come between you and any of your

relationships because she will try. Thankfully my husband is very

easy going and even though he can't stand my mom he doesn't fault me

for it and even married me knowing what she was like. His mother's

parents were somewhat similar though so he's a bit informatative

about my mom's behavior.

I feel for you growing up the way you did, a single daughter (it's

tough isn't it?) with no one else that gets it and also no one else

that helps with the burden. It's all on you. The homeless shelters

sound horrible -I am so sorry.

My mom wasn't quite bad with my friends growing up. She actually

didn't mind when I went out with them, spent time with them, etc. She

even encouraged me to go away for college and get a good education.

So some of her traits are not totally BPD in that way. She also had

tons of friends when I was little - great friends. It wasn't until I

went to college and she moved from the East coast to NM to be closer

to me that she started really getting bad. She moved to a small city

that was eccentric and she started being more of a loner. Never

really dated anymore, made friends, etc. Started writing all her old

friends off. Started getting worse with money and me. Then she came

into a lot of $$$ and that's when her spending habits were off the

wall - flying to CA for shopping sprees and hair styles. She went

thru it fast and then she wanted more and I think that's when all of

this started to get worse. She then lived this high, extravegent

lifestyle and loved that everyone in town thought she was rich and

she kept playing the part. Borrowing all the time from ex-boyfriend

(he STILL gives to her - he's a moran and I told him to stop

already), me, anyone she could. Lying to get what she wanted. She

even told ex-boyfriend she had lukemia and needed money each month

for treatments - can you believe that??? It's just unreal to me.

But anyway, like you, I was the good daughter. My therapist told me I

was " good enough " - no one is perfect. And you have to remember that

too. You are and were good enough. But it's hard. You want to help,

you want to see them ok but I've come to the point where I just don't

think I can without losing my own sanity. I wish I knew how to talk

to my mom though when she does call and I ask " How are you " and I get

the same " not good, things are worse " and then if I don't say

anything, she says I am cold. If I do, it's wrong answer unless I

give money. Then she hangs up on me and it starts all over with the

nasty msgs. I just do not know HOW to talk to her so I don't. Either

she disowns me or I just don't take her calls for a while but it gets

no where and I need to learn how to communicate with someone with BPD.

Interesting that you mom thinks everyone wronged her too - like mine.

Like you said, some did but not all. I find it hard to believe that

everyone in my mom's life is horrible but she's not. All her friends,

family, everyone she comes into contact with. Everywhere she lives

she says the landlords are doing something horrible to her . She's

now threatening to sue the nursing home (for lack of good food!)

hospital, etc. She's threatened to sue me, her family, etc. She

claims her aunt stole money from my grandmother. It's just ridiculous

to me.

I can't believe your mom said your boyfriend was in a cult! I can't

believe another mother said that same things! Yeah, my mom says my

husband is a cult leader. She also calls him " guard dog " to his face.

He won't talk to her (very rarely).

I should write a book - I've thought of it. I've kept a diary since

age 6. I just need to find the time.

Anyway, you do know it's not your fault your mom is sick (like my mom

with her RA) or anything else. You are so young and really have a

chance to not let her BPD work against you and let it suck you dry. I

know it's hard though, esp if she's all you have (like me) but I wish

I knew at your age what I know now and even now it's hard. You will

have a family someday (if you want) and a good life. Setting limits

is hard but it sounds like you are trying to do that and by offering

her what you have but not to live with you is fine. If she takes it,

she does. How I feel about deposit I've offered my mom. It still

stands but she can't live with us. My cousin's offer also still

stands for my mom's housing. It's really up to them.

I am so glad you posted - it really was interesting to read that

someone else has a mother like mine. Cause honestly I always feel so

alone in all this. Thanks so much and I hope we chat again!

>

> I definitely know where you're coming from. First, give yourself a

> hug and remind yourself that at this point its not about being a

> good daughter its about you being a good you. I know it sounds

> cheesey but its true. The good daughter label really can only come

> from your parents, and if you're parents are incapable of giving

you

> that label because of mental illness, you have to let go of it and

> know you are the best person you can be under the circumstances.

> Here are a few things I share in common with you with my mom. And

> yes I still call her mom, labeling her anything else really doesnt

> make sense in my situation - this is who she has always been.

>

> I was also an only child. And thats what maked the situation for me

> so nerve raking. No one was there to say, 'thats not true'

or 'thats

> not fair' to her. Just me. Like you I tried to hold my ground. I

> tried to insist that the control and manipulation just wasnt fair

or

> right. I was also the 'good daughter', I made good grades, and

since

> she never really allowed me to go out and visit other people

> (including friends and family) without here present, I certainly

> never got into sex, drug, rock n roll, etc. My mom also has written

> all her friends off (or basically annoyed them to the point they

> avoid her). Same with family. I have to admit that she doesnt suck

> them dry for money but she does only contact them when she needs

> something. And like your mom, she says that they have all wronged

> her. And yes, some have, but not all. She definitely has the

> everybody hates her mentality. Like you, i spent my life giving in

> and keeping the peace. There have been numerous times she had me on

> my knees begging her forgivness for things that I hadnt even done.

> And when i went to college and she continued on to try to control

> and manipulate me (oh and I too had to give mom my student loan

> money cause she 'needed' it - even though i was working and paying

> for school by myself), I finally pulled away which just made her

> snap. In the last maybe 4 years she's taken numerous occasions to

> threaten and attempt to kill herself to force me to visit her. She

> has crohns disease (its a bad colon condition) and other health

> problems that since i was young she blamed me for making her sick

by

> being such a 'bad' daughter. But like your mother mine was also

very

> loving. There were 'up' periods that would last for months at a

time

> where she never got mad at me and i was her perfect child. Then I'd

> ask to go to a school dance, or spend the nite at a friend's and i

> was back on her 'bad apple' list. She tried to convince me in high

> school (almost sucessfully) that I was insane and needed mental

> help. She even threatened to have me committed if i didnt change my

> attitude. Like you, we moved (i count about 14 times) over the

> course of my childhood. Everywhere we went the neighbors

> were 'after' her, or harassing her. This landed us in homeless

> shelters and battered womens shelters (and you can guess she was

> never battered)on at least three or four occasions because she

would

> move without having any resources to get a new place. Oh yeah and

my

> pet peeve was that she was the 'cool' mom to my friends. They were

> like queens when they came over. She cooked for them, talked to

> them, they loved her. They never saw her pull me aside and yell at

> me in the next room for looking at her funny, or 'talking back' to

> her in front of them. She even slapped me while I had a friend over

> then made me clean my face up so my friend wouldnt know. I'm

dealing

> with her moving again right now with no finances. I wanted to help

> her and pay for everything and get her deposit and pay for movers -

> but she basically said I hate her and she will die there because

she

> wanted to move in with me. Sheesh. But I still keep the offer on

the

> table for help moving, but thats just me. Like you I always got

> angry and defensive when dealing with that kind of behavior. I took

> offense when she told me I hated her, I just couldnt understand the

> logic. But the conversation today with her (where she yelled and

> said she would die and said she didnt want me and hung up) I

> actually kept completely calm and I didnt get upset and I am so

> happy for that. So thats just to say maybe someday that will happen

> for you. I got there through prayer though. Oh, and I also had a

> boyfriend in college my mom accused of being in a cult and having

me

> in the cult also...being drugged, being whored out, etc. Anyway, I

> just wanted to let you know that the unnatural stuff you dealt with

> you arent alone. We all know that BPs are manipulative but not all

> of us have a single parent that was actually a 'loving' mom. Hang

in

> there. Im only 24 and I'm learning all of this stuff thats

> validating so much in my life. Its good to see you got married and

> have a child. I'm waiting to get there someday. Take care.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I just had to say one last thing since evidently out moms are twins

separated at birth or something *smile*.

One, I wont even go into the number of relationships (friends,

family, boyfriends) that she has tried to ruin. I'm still trying to

rectify with the BF that she last tortured. Its really good to hear

that you were able to get married and your husband is able to ignore

her. That was something that was heavy on my mind for a while when I

was with the BF. I finally wanted to get married but thought I

couldnt because of the never ending cycle, that and all the things

she told me about myseld kept rattling around my head.

Wow the Leukemia thing is really...special. My mom had also been

known to 'justifiably' lie on numerous occasions, but i thought it

was ok cause at the time she wasnt doing it to me. Shame on me for

not knowing it was wrong, no matter who she does it to.

Oh, yeah the nasty voicemails. I got those all the time. It was

especially bad in college and it got to the point that i would save

them (for evidence just in case) they would fill up my inbox and

purge the old mean messages. Now I've learned to identify a nasty

message in like the first few seconds and i just immediately erase

it. I dont even expose myself to it. Usually, by the time i actually

talk to her later shes in the 'im not upset, what are you talking

about?' mode, so i dont even have to hear whatever nasty things she

had to say. Growing up i found that deflecting her attention to

other people who have 'wronged' her helped to keep the conversation

non confrontational. For instance, she starts in on me then I

mention when was the last time she saw a cousin of ours that I know

she was mad at. And she bites every time...'oh that so and so, you

know she did such and such to me...' hehe, I know its bad but it was

a survival technique. I think if you want to continue to talk to

your mom for the sake of making sure she's ok and all, you're gonna

have to learn her patterns and try to difflect the BPD to other

people she can focus on for the duration of the conversation. (at

least it works for me) I have spent conversations completely zoned

out while she ranted on about her landlords (which is another weird

thing we have in common, she's tryin to sue someone now for like the

5th time, i cant count how many times shes threatened discrimination

suits and the like) anyway, i just sit through it long enough to

find out if shes eating, needs anything important, etc.

But with all of that...I'm gonna have a family. I'm gonna have

beautiful, wonderfully normal kids, and a real life with my husband

(i'm prayin its gonna be that BF..hehe) : ) I have hope and so do

you.

Take Care!

[Guest guest]

Hi again,

Yeah I think they were separated at birth!!!

I know what you mean about your mom trying to ruin your

relationships. My mom has called a lot of my friends (and ex-

boyfriends) and talked bad about me. She's even called my husband's

partner and left him msgs. Nice huh? And then she claims I talk bad

about her to the relatives and have poisoned them against her. She

did that all by herself. She said they all made a comment to her

about her not coming to my wedding when it's MY FAULT according to

her she didn't come and how dare they judge her. Well hello- you

don't go to your own daughter's wedding what else are they to think?

And they know me and like me and they know her and know her deal too.

I like how you have deflected your mom by brining up other relatives.

I could do that but unfortunately she is on the assumption that

because I am friendly with the relatives and she's not that I am

against her and she refuses to discuss them with me. She thinks I

should hate them like she does. She used to threaten me that if I

talked to my aunt (her sister that's now passed- she has Manic

depression) she would never speak to me again and I used to listen.

My mom also didn't talk to her own mother for 5 years. She does this

to everyone. I really can't talk to her now as I've been disowned

again - she told me end of March she wanted nothing to do with me and

my no-good husband - that she is starving in the nursing home and I

should send her 100's of dollars worth of food to a deli to have it

delievered to her cause she's not getting any protein and the doctor

can't believe how skinny she is (her third party endorsement). Here's

me- I KNOW the nursing home is feeding her. I also know my mom is

spoiled - a Queen - and probably doesn't like the food- so now she

wants BETTER food, what she's accusumed to and wants me to provide it

so she's using the " really skinny " and " doctor can't believe it "

manipulation tactics to try to get me to pay up. I didn't bite so now

I've been disowned again. There is sadly no talking to my mom. And

unlike other BPD traits she NEVER forgets - like you said your mom

will forget a few hours later. Not mine.

Yeah mine used to call me in college, at work, harass me. I should

have done what you do and erase. I am not good at that. A part of me,

and this is bad, wants to know what she has to say. I need to let

that go. It's often not anything new.

As for your BF- you just have to be honest and tell him you have a

mother who has problems. Mine knew it but not the extent until we got

married and he saw the calls and heard them for himself and even

tried to talk to her. Then she started leaving him nasty msgs on his

voicemail and he just deletes them. Oh and I forgot - also called my

in laws several times to say I needed mental help. Nice mother huh?

They ignored her thankfull and won't return her calls either. But my

husband is very easy going and he just ignores my mom and says I

should. It's easier for him. If your BF is pretty easy going and you

explain you will be fine. Remember he's not marrying your family.

Am sorry your mom ruined things with last BF. I also learned to not

give my mom anyone's names - last names- so she can get a hold of

them. Just an idea. Not sure if you live in same area as your mom (I

don't so that's easier too) but also I wouldn't encourage her to meet

your BF's either. And if so, keep it on your terms and go to a

restaurant or something - not her house. Then you can leave if it's

bad and she has no control.

Keep me updated and good luck with BF - I hope it works out :-)

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " speighteen "

wrote:

>

> Hi ,

>

> I just had to say one last thing since evidently out moms are twins

> separated at birth or something *smile*.

>

> One, I wont even go into the number of relationships (friends,

> family, boyfriends) that she has tried to ruin. I'm still trying to

> rectify with the BF that she last tortured. Its really good to hear

> that you were able to get married and your husband is able to

ignore

> her. That was something that was heavy on my mind for a while when

I

> was with the BF. I finally wanted to get married but thought I

> couldnt because of the never ending cycle, that and all the things

> she told me about myseld kept rattling around my head.

>

> Wow the Leukemia thing is really...special. My mom had also been

> known to 'justifiably' lie on numerous occasions, but i thought it

> was ok cause at the time she wasnt doing it to me. Shame on me for

> not knowing it was wrong, no matter who she does it to.

>

> Oh, yeah the nasty voicemails. I got those all the time. It was

> especially bad in college and it got to the point that i would save

> them (for evidence just in case) they would fill up my inbox and

> purge the old mean messages. Now I've learned to identify a nasty

> message in like the first few seconds and i just immediately erase

> it. I dont even expose myself to it. Usually, by the time i

actually

> talk to her later shes in the 'im not upset, what are you talking

> about?' mode, so i dont even have to hear whatever nasty things she

> had to say. Growing up i found that deflecting her attention to

> other people who have 'wronged' her helped to keep the conversation

> non confrontational. For instance, she starts in on me then I

> mention when was the last time she saw a cousin of ours that I know

> she was mad at. And she bites every time...'oh that so and so, you

> know she did such and such to me...' hehe, I know its bad but it

was

> a survival technique. I think if you want to continue to talk to

> your mom for the sake of making sure she's ok and all, you're gonna

> have to learn her patterns and try to difflect the BPD to other

> people she can focus on for the duration of the conversation. (at

> least it works for me) I have spent conversations completely zoned

> out while she ranted on about her landlords (which is another weird

> thing we have in common, she's tryin to sue someone now for like

the

> 5th time, i cant count how many times shes threatened

discrimination

> suits and the like) anyway, i just sit through it long enough to

> find out if shes eating, needs anything important, etc.

>

> But with all of that...I'm gonna have a family. I'm gonna have

> beautiful, wonderfully normal kids, and a real life with my husband

> (i'm prayin its gonna be that BF..hehe) : ) I have hope and so do

> you.

>

> Take Care!

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Katrina for the welcome. I know what you say is true and it's

what I've been trying to do. The hardest part is how my NADA is so

non-functioning, literally homeless and it seems to get worse. I

do'nt talk to her for months at a time now (her choice, not mine) and

each time she calls she's in a worse situation if that's possible. Am

just scared she will end up dead but I don't know how to help

anymore - almost a Catch 22? If I help in the way SHE wants, I will

loose myself (and my family) as she asks for the impossible. If I

don't help, she will continue in a downward spiral. It's interesting,

btw, she got much, much worse when I got married (so what you say

makes sense, the fear of abondonment).

Am still reading thru the posts here- thanks again!

> >

> > Hello,

> > My name is and I am new. I have read " Walking on

Eggshells "

> > and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " recently. I am pretty sure my

> > mother has BPD and I have been dealing with her all my life and

> feel I

> > have found what ails her, however, I'd really like to post my

story

> > and get some more insight, opinions.

> >

> > Thanks and nice to meet everyone.

> >

>

> Here's my story it's long but I did my best to abbreviate it.

Thanks

> for listening!

>

> I introduced myself earlier but figured I'd post my story.

>

> I am not 100% sure my mother has BPD, however in lieu of several

> recent events, a social worker that worked with her on a recent

> hospital stay mentioned BPD to me and so I looked it up and it

really

> fits. For years I have been suffering with my mother and

> her " personality disorder " so it was nice to finally find something

> that fit what I've been dealing with and hopefully I can get some

> answers and some peace. Sadly, even thru all the books I still

can't

> seem to find an actual way to deal with her because her situation

has

> become so critical at this point and she doesn't seem to totally

fit

> even what other BPD people have - she's even beyond if that makes

> sense and possibly something else is going on. Let me explain my

> story a little and maybe some encouraging words or ideas some of

you

> have would help - thanks for listening! (I'll try to be as brief as

I

> can!!)

>

> Let me start by saying I am 39, married with a 5 month old son. I

am

> not BP and neither is my husband. My mother is 63 and I am an only

> child and raised by her as a single parent. She is divorced (since

I

> was three) and lives alone and has for a long time. We don't live

in

> the same state either so we are not close by. She has no friends

> (she's written them all off in the last 20 years and has made no

new

> one's) and she has also written off her family, which is quite

large.

> (by written off I mean literally sending them nasty letters,

> threatening to sue several of them, etc.). Her reasons are

> that " everyone is horrible to her and has wronged her. " She feels

> that even myself and my husband have waged a campaign against her

to

> everyone hates her. However, she is extremely nasty to them and

they

> want nothing to do with her anyway, but fails to see that it's her

> actions that have driven them away. She only calls them when she

> needs something, never any other time. Her parents are not alive

and

> her sister who was manic depressive/psychotic died 3 years ago. She

> grew up in a very emotionally chaotic household and there is a lot

of

> manic depression on her side of the family. Anyway, I am the ONLY

one

> to deal with her and have my whole life pretty much. I've been more

> of the mother and her the daughter. My father is not a part of my

> life either so I feel I've had no support on dealing with my mother

> either. For years I always did what she asked and gave in but after

a

> while, when I went off to college on my own, I realized I would go

> crazy if I continued to always give into her. Anyway, here's the

> story in a nutshell and where we are now at the end of the story.

>

> My mother has always been extremely needy, both emotionally and

> financially. When I was younger she didn't seem as bad as she is

now.

> She actually got worse when I went to college and even worse when I

> was getting married three years ago. To the point where we really

> have no relationship anymore, only occasional phone calls that end

in

> fights and she only calls when she wants something, usually money.

I

> remember her as very loving when I was growing up but also very

> controlling. If I didn't do it her way, I'd have to pay for it. She

> always labeled me a problem child because we didn't get along.

Partly

> because I always stuck up for myself and wouldn't cave into her

> needs - or at least tried to not cave in. I think she wanted

someone

> to go along with her and agree. Really that's the only way to get

> along with her is do as she asks but even then it's never good

enough.

>

> Her survival most of her life as been by always getting help

> financially from family and friends. She will lie and manipulate to

> get what she wants. If you say no, that's not the right answer and

> she will " Draw blood " as I call it to get her way until you give

in.

> She used to work, even if not steady, and even has a masters degree

> but whatever she has earned income wise has never been enough for

the

> way she lives which is beyond her means. She is extremely

intelligent

> too and so is very good at getting around any kind of " disorder "

she

> may have. She has to have the best of everything and eats every

meal

> out. She is also constantly in a " crisis " situation - she moves

> probably every 6 mos at least and is very angry and bitter toward

> almost everyone. She has Rhuemotiod Arthritis and has been on

> disability for 20 years now (even though before she got really bad

> she could have continued to work) and will explain more about her

> disease in a bit.

>

> Growing up we always moved. My mom was never satisfied with where

we

> were - house to house, city to city, school to school for me - we

> never bought a house - always rented. She always changed jobs.

Again

> never happy with anything. We never had any money and looking back

I

> believe it's because she lived beyond her means. If she did have it

> she spent it. She borrowed all the time from relatives, her parents

> and she has an old boyfriend she borrowed from (and still does!)

for

> over 35 years. She has come into money before (a lot) and it's been

> gone so fast - spent on shopping sprees, cars, getting her hair

done,

> etc. She never bought any furniture for her houses (our houses!)-

> probably because it was easier to move without it. If she ever did,

> we always sold it. It was a very weird way to grow up. I just

thought

> she was eccentric. She was also the " cool mom " all my gilfriends

> could talk to her about boys, etc. She was very very pretty too. If

I

> ever " challenged " her on anything though I got yelled at. If I ever

> suggested she buy a condo or save some money, I was told " it's not

my

> business. " Yet she'd call me for money all the time. Later in life

> when I went out on my own to college she'd call me for money from

my

> student loan (I supported myself by loans and working). If I didn't

> give, I'd have to pay for it with her threats. So for years I'd

give

> in - give her money, fly out to where she lived to help her move (I

> haven't lived in the same city as her for 20 years), sit on the

phone

> with her for hours, night after night, several times a night going

> over the latest " crisis " she had. She'd call me at work and not

leave

> me alone for money. She seemed to get a lot worse when I went to

> college - more needy of things. I had to drop everything to give

> into her or she'd threaten to disown me which being an only child

> with no father figure always scared me so I always gave in. I spent

> years in therapy discussing her with various therapists - not

really

> getting anywhere. I tried setting limits but they didn't seem to

work

> and I admit I have a hard time because she is also all I have

family

> wise (besides my husband, child and my cousins). I never could talk

> with her correctly - I always got defensive and angry myself. I

know

> now in reading these books that's not the way. She made me doubt

> myself all my life. To this day I still do. I have very low self

> esteem and high anxiety because of the way I grew up with her.

>

> Anyway besides what I just wrote my mother is EXTREMELY emotionally

> abusive to me as well and that's the hardest part in all of this.

> She's this way to her family, my husband, but mostly to me.

Whenever

> I try to discuss it or tell her how I feel all my life I've been

> told " I don't want to hear it " , " you are giving me a headache " or

she

> will talk over me and hang up. If I write a letter, she tears it

up.

> I never had a voice. She calls me names, puts me down, says I am

the

> reason we don't get along, I am a bad daughter. She always has

> some " third party endorsement " as to why I am bad too - she has all

> these stories and so called " people " she runs into that she tells

how

> I treat her (ie don't give her what she wants is treating her bad)

> and how horrible I am. She claims she didn't come to my wedding

> because of " my bad behavior " . Wasn't there for me when I was

pregnant

> (actually had a huge crisis during the whole time which I will get

to

> in a minute cause it's effecting me now still), wasn't here when I

> had my child and has threatened to sue me and my husband

> (for " alientation of affection " and " grandparents rights " !). Joke

is

> I think I was a pretty good daughter. I got good grades, never

lied,

> had good friends, didn't drink, do drugs, etc. (btw, my mom doesn't

> do drugs or drink either in case anyone asks cause people do based

on

> her behavior). She has told me I'd be a horrible mother (and I

didn't

> want to have children because of her) and many other horrible

things.

> She calls me names. She says my husband is a " cult leader " and I am

> in a cult. (kind of funny huh?) She calls him " guard dog " and hangs

> up on him when he answers the phone. We have limited her calls by

> changing our phone number and she only has my cell and I am ready

to

> change that however I fear losing total contact with her. However

all

> I get is abuse. She's never met my husband and never seen her

> grandchild. She again blames me and says I am married to a horrible

> man (because he tries to talk rationally to her, she dislikes him

and

> also dislikes him cause he won't give her more money) and am

keeping

> her from her grandchild, however these are all her choices. I don't

> prefer she's around my family but I have never told her to stay

away.

> That's been her choice. She just isn't the kind of mother that is

> there for me.

>

> My mother calls me several times a day and leaves me horrible msgs.

> Threatens to disown me (which she now has done again- haven't

talked

> to her for a while), sue me or kill herself IF I don't do what she

> wants - which is give her more money. It seems anytime she talks to

> me she wants money and if I don't give it, I am the bad guy and a

> horrible daughter. Everything with her now revolves around her

money

> and getting it.

>

> Another HUGE issue is that she also has severe Rhuemotoid Arthritis

> (she's had this disease about 20 years) but has refused any

> medication or doctor's help. I think honestly she uses this to her

> benefit to try to get what she wants. She blames me for her

disease.

> She uses it to try to get what she wants - she can't do... (fill in

> the blank) because of her RA so therefore she needs money. Can't

> cook, can't get out of her car to look for a place to live, can't

get

> operated on for various reasons, can't take medicine (it causes

> cancer), I could go on and on. So we get nowhere. All conversations

> go nowhere as there are no solutions. I am a very rational/logical

> person too and it's very very frustrating for me.

>

> That's what brings me to now and I am not sure I am doing the right

> thing but I really don't know what else to do. I cannot continue to

> let her emotionally drain me and my family so I've stopped talking

to

> her and when she is abusive I get off the phone. I am not helping

her

> financially because I cannot anymore. About a year ago she moved

> again- then 6 mos later wanted to move back. She called me to help

> her move. I said no. Of course I got yelled at, disowned, etc. So a

> few months later after I am pregnant she calls me again - I tell

her

> I am pregnant and we have a few nice conversations until she

> again " needs something. " Apparently she is now living in a hotel

> cause she moved on her own and had no place to live and her ex-

> boyfriend was to give her money and now didn't and she's in a hotel

> and hasn't paid and is going to get kicked out. She owes them

> thousands she says! I said I cannot help. So this goes on for

months.

> She decides to take the rest of her disability payments in ONE LUMP

> SUM and get out of hotel. Ok so now she's out and has spent ALL HER

> INCOME and has no where to live. She now only has a Social Security

> check for the rest of her life and nothing else, period. Nice

> situation. Plus she's disabled. But she has her nice car and her

cell

> phone. So now she's living in her car. Calls me day and night for

> money. We give her some money to help her get an apt. Her relatives

> give her some money (they want nothing more to do with her now as

> that's the only reason she ever calls them and then is nasty to

them-

> same as me) also to get an apt. She gets enuf for an apt but she

> doesn't use that money to get into a place to live but instead to

pay

> her car payments which are behind. I was livid. So this went on for

> months. So I finally offer to pay a deposit to an apt but not to

her

> but to the place. My cousin also offered to pay her first month's

> rent but again not to my mom, to the place (cause my mom would

spend

> it). My mom refused and had a ton of excuses why this won't work.

> Anway, I get a call about 2 mos ago that she checked into a

hospital

> cause after living in her car she was very sick. I was HOPING

someone

> there would help her but the social worker I talked to said my mom

> was impossible and complained all the time, refused treatment,

> wouldn't eat the food, etc. That's the person that mentioned BPD to

> me (don't think he mentioned it to my mom?) She is then moved into

a

> nursing home and calls me hysterical that she will kill herself if

I

> don't get her out. She has no money, we can't afford to put her in

a

> nice housing situation which is what she wants and she needs a

nurse

> to care her her now that her RA is really bad and she won't get

> operated on either. She won't look into what Medicare will provide

> for her. I talked to a nurse at the nursing home and my mom has a

few

> other housing options but my mom won't discuss with me - said it's

> not my business. I have offered to help pay for housing if she got

> into a situation where she was cared for but she won't. All she

> wanted was for me to send her huge amounts of $$$ so she could

order

> food to be delivered cause the food was bad and she was wasting

away

> and needed her strength. Here she's in a place that provides her

> meals and she won't eat them and again - my fault. But discussing

her

> housing situation when she has no where to live still when she gets

> out of nursing home was off limits for me. Anyway now she said she

> will never speak to me again - I have no idea what's going on with

> her as she has no where to go when she gets out but she lies to all

> these places she's at and tells them she does - I have called a few

> times to talk to her doctors, etc. and she won't give me permission

> now so it's a dead end. I feel so guilty as I don't want anything

to

> happen to her but I don't know how to help her anymore and she's

> draining me so much emotionally and I feel so angry over it all.

> It's all about her needs and her crisis situations and I don't know

> how to help anymore. I feel guilty too cause I COULD have her come

> live with us but I won't do that to me or my family and also my

> husband refuses (she's told him " he's better off dead " ) and I don't

> want her around me or my son as she's abusive. Plus we cannot take

> care of her. I would probably go insane. I can't help her

financially

> cause I don't have the money for what she thinks she needs (to live

> on her own in a nice townhome or house in the LA area). She won't

> live within her means, get the opearations, get a job if she does

or

> even look into assisted living of any kind. I don't know how to

help

> her. No one does and no one else wants anything to do with her

> anymore. No one can deal with her abuse or keep giving her money

> because it doesn't help.

>

> So that's where I am now. I still harbor extreme guilt. I don't

have

> normal conversations with her when she is talking to me. She only

> calls to either yell at me, leave me nasty msgs or demand money. I

> should also mention she also calls my friends and even my husband's

> partner and tells them horrible things about me, him, etc. Everyone

> tells me to just never talk to her again after the way she treats

me

> but that's hard as she's my mom and I want her to be ok but I don't

> know how?

>

> I know she is not my responsiblity and she needs to figure out how

to

> live on her own but I fear she never will.

>

> I just need to know I am doing the right thing in getting her out

of

> my life and it's very hard. If you have another suggestion I would

> love to hear it. I hope I have explained things well enuf. I know I

> have left a lot out cause the extent of her cruelty and emotional

> issues are huge. My therapist says she's never seen anyone like my

> mother!

>

> Anyway, thanks for listening and hope this wasn't too long of a

> story. Am glad i found this site!

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the

WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

>

>

>