Re: Hello Again...A Proper Introduction... Liz

[Guest guest]

Liz,

Your post is very similar to what went on in my marriage. I know that it was not directed toward me -- I was the safe outlet -- but when I was helping DH do something for example like replace the fluorescent light bulbs in the kitchen, that required me to stand on a chair and hold the other end of the wood housing for the light while he screwed it in, and it started to get heavy and my arms started to get tired holding it over my head, he had no understanding or tolerance for me needing a break and I would be doing it while in agony just to get it done. He seemed to think I could lift 100 pounds items as easily as he could, so when we had to carry pieces of furniture up the stairs and I needed to rest or put it down because it was cutting into my fingers, he would get extremely upset. Timing was also an issue as he usually started such projects without consulting me or seeing whether I was available to help, and would expect me to drop whatever I was doing and come help him lift, carry, etc. After years of this I got smarter and would tell him I couldn't do it right then, he'd have to wait, if I wasn't available; and if he started to have a meltdown once I did help, I'd say, you can either accept the help that I am able to give, or do it yourself, or get someone else. I would also explain that I do not have the same strength/height/size/etc. as him, and appeal to him logically. But if he kept it up I would walk away. Then he would usually calm down and apologize and I would help him again.

I used to tell him quite often I could not deal with his lightswitch emotions. He would frequently blow up at the drop of a hat, and then three minutes later, with no apology, ask, "What's for dinner?" I worked very hard at remaining even tempered and not being driven by my emotions so it would be very frustrating that he would have so little self control especially when it came to yelling at our daughter for not picking something up, for example, while not seeing the need to compliment her or praise her for the things she did well. And he never learned how to say he was sorry, at least not in the last 15 years or so of marriage (I think in the first few, maybe he did.)

I wish that I had been able to know to suggest medication for my husband, because hindsight is 20-20. Unfortunately by the time I realized what was going on, that he experienced the world differently than I did, and that he was likely selfmedicating with alcohol for many years rather than taking medication that might have helped him, too much damage was already done. He has recently admitted to himself and to me that he is probably "a little OCD" as well as whatever else might be going on. I did get him to read some of the books on AS and I think he was interested but it isn't as though he really needs a label, he has a very successful career and business. The good part for me about this list is that even though the knowledge didn't come in time to save my marriage, it has been an enormous help in improving our relationship and we are actually going to be signing a separation agreement amicably this summer, something I never thought he would ever agree to do. So I am very happy for me, even though it isn't the result others would necessarily want for themselves, and I do hope that you can find the key to better understanding with your spouse.

Re: Hello Again...A Proper Introduction

> You mentioned a blow up. These are more frustrating because you cant show anger back, the meltdown is due to a lack of comprehension, or build up of concerns in the mind of the AS person. If you show anger they become even more concerned and its not the same as battling it out with an NT on equal, argumentative terms.> > In my experience, this is the hardest, bitterest pill to swallow. I find that by containing my anger and waiting till the meltdown abates, we can talk productively about what happened and why, and work at ways to prevent this in the future.I want to hear more about this, Judy, as blow ups are one of our big marriage problems.My husband is the one who blows, for several reasons:- he's working on a project, and the real world repeatedly fails to follow his logic of what it should do. The Windows operating system is a common source of these meltdowns- I asked him for assistance on something, he gives me advice, and I choose not to take it. [Hold the wood here, while you saw it ... no, don't go get safety glasses, ... no your fingers aren't too close ... don't you trust me? BLOW]- He asks me for assistance and I can't give it, or can't assist in the exact way he needs. [Liz, hold 60 lbs of range hood over your head while balancing on a too short stepstool. Don't hold it there, you'll smash your fingers. What do you mean, you can't? I could, if I wasn't working on this side. It's not too heavy, I was able to lift it into place, you just have to hold it there. Try harder. I need you to help, why are you failing me? BLOWOr worse, the one that almost led to divorce: DH was getting over adult chicken pox, and his mom was flying across the country to a city 50 miles form our house for cancer treatment. Our son, who was 10 months old and breastfeeding, had a cold (and was exposed to chicken pox, too young for a vaccine). DH wanted me to drive 50 miles to the airport, and escort his parents (seasoned world travelers) to the hospital, and stay with them while they got settled in their hotel. He couldn't do it because he was still infectious, but BLOW when I said I couldn't either. I never even got a chance to explain my reasoning (infant who had to come along, who was also infectious, my shyness and unfamiliarity with the city, plus my driving anxiety, which DH won't accept anyway).]I have yet to find a productive way of responding to these meltdowns, especially when I am the cause. If I say nothing or walk away, I'm unresponsive, or passive aggressive, or ignoring him. If I argue, it turns into a two way fight.I do walk away when I'm not the trigger for the meltdown, but when I am, I argue back. And I give myself permission to get mad ... at least that way he can see that I have been affected by his anger, and maybe reflect on what went wrong.After the range hood incident (all the above are real), I got mad, shouted "I'm not going to help you if all you're going to do is heap abuse on me", and walked away. About 15 minutes later (he was still working, screaming profanities) I took the kids, left my purse and the car at home, and told him we were going for a walk. We were gone about an hour ... came back to the job completed, and a much calmer DH, who was a bit worried that we would not be back. He apologized for his behavior to me, in a counseling session, but never apologized to the kids (as the therapist asked him to do).Does anyone have a better way of dealing with meltdowns like these? I hate getting angry, it's really not my style, but it seems to be the only thing that works even a little.Whew! To anyone who reads this far, thanks for putting up with my written catharsis.--Liz------------The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergersparent.wordpress.com/SF, science, and Gifted Ed butons, mugs, and other items at http://www.zazzle.com/CartesianBear*Higher Quality Adult & kid shirts at http://www.printfection.com/cartesianbear