Re: manipulative mother

[Guest guest]

I also struggle with deciding where I'm responsible to my parents, so

I am not exactly an expert in dealing with this well, but I can

understand what you're going through!

One question though: Would you have flown down to visit your mom in

the hospital if you hadn't already planned the trip? I mean, yes,

this is surgery, but it is also elective and scheduled surgery. It

sounds to me like you made plans to visit friends and, in your place,

I would make sure that I still got to do that. I personally don't

think you are under obligation to go to the hospital. If you do want

to go for a visit, you can always keep it short.

Anyway, good luck! This is something that would have me questioning

myself too--BUT I usually just push through and pretend I don't care

and it at least keeps the guilt card from getting played so often.

Trish

>

> Hi All!

> I made the mistake of mentioning to my nada a few weeks ago that I

> would be in my home town in mid April to see friends that were flying

> back for a visit. I knew she was in the process of scheduling hip

> surgery but it never occored to me she would schedule it for when I

> was there. Her relentless manipulations to get me to see her are

> infurating. She knows I will be in town because I told her and of

> course I feel guilty and feel like I have to go see her at the

> hospital. But I don't want to. I want to see my friends that I only

> see once a year when they fly back. People that actually like me for

> me, unlike the nada. So now that I am getting more and more mad at

> her for trying to manipulate a visit I am feeling more and more

> guilty because why can't I just go see her for an hour after she

> comes out of surgery. I am mad at myself that I even told her I

> would be in town, I know how she is. I am trying to figure out where

> guilt and responsibility collide. Surgery is a major event and I

> feel a responsibility to be there at least a little but that she

> would schedule it for when she did is obviously to guilt me into

> being there. Of course she would say she didn't schedule it to try

> to get me to come see her but I never believe a word out of her mouth

> so who cares what she says. Only what I feel really matters. And

> that is the problem, I can't figure out the difference when it

> concearns her what is guilt and what is basic responsibility. But I

> guess I have no real responsibility to her, she spoiled that when she

> treated me so irresponsibly and abusively as a child. So I come back

> to guilt and how strong I can be to stand up to her. I don't feel

> very strong today but that could change in the next few weeks. I will

> probably wait until I go to decide if I will see her or not, I will

> see how I feel that day. At least I have my husband to go with me,

> that always makes it easier to deal with her. And on the bright

> side, she will be all drugged from surgery, this could be more fun

> than I thought. Her defences will be down, I could probably get a few

> good verbal jabs in before she can respond and then leave. That

> could be lots of fun. Thanks for listening.

> Tree

>

[Guest guest]

I would not have gone to my home town to see her if that was the only

reason to go. And the guilt is definitly my own struggle. Fortunatly

I am in therapy and that is one of my goals so I am working on it.

I'm just not there yet. Thanks for your thoughts.

Tree

> >

> > Hi All!

> > I made the mistake of mentioning to my nada a few weeks ago

that I

> > would be in my home town in mid April to see friends that were

flying

> > back for a visit. I knew she was in the process of scheduling

hip

> > surgery but it never occored to me she would schedule it for when

I

> > was there. Her relentless manipulations to get me to see her are

> > infurating. She knows I will be in town because I told her and

of

> > course I feel guilty and feel like I have to go see her at the

> > hospital. But I don't want to. I want to see my friends that I

only

> > see once a year when they fly back. People that actually like me

for

> > me, unlike the nada. So now that I am getting more and more mad

at

> > her for trying to manipulate a visit I am feeling more and more

> > guilty because why can't I just go see her for an hour after she

> > comes out of surgery. I am mad at myself that I even told her I

> > would be in town, I know how she is. I am trying to figure out

where

> > guilt and responsibility collide. Surgery is a major event and I

> > feel a responsibility to be there at least a little but that she

> > would schedule it for when she did is obviously to guilt me into

> > being there. Of course she would say she didn't schedule it to

try

> > to get me to come see her but I never believe a word out of her

mouth

> > so who cares what she says. Only what I feel really matters. And

> > that is the problem, I can't figure out the difference when it

> > concearns her what is guilt and what is basic responsibility. But

I

> > guess I have no real responsibility to her, she spoiled that when

she

> > treated me so irresponsibly and abusively as a child. So I come

back

> > to guilt and how strong I can be to stand up to her. I don't feel

> > very strong today but that could change in the next few weeks. I

will

> > probably wait until I go to decide if I will see her or not, I

will

> > see how I feel that day. At least I have my husband to go with

me,

> > that always makes it easier to deal with her. And on the bright

> > side, she will be all drugged from surgery, this could be more

fun

> > than I thought. Her defences will be down, I could probably get a

few

> > good verbal jabs in before she can respond and then leave. That

> > could be lots of fun. Thanks for listening.

> > Tree

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tree,

Not sure about getting the verbal jabs in. Revenge is understandable

w/a bp, but actually caring it out just adds on to the shame and ever

permeating guilt. I'm not sure I'd recommend that course of action

b/c after a while you may feel more guilt about kicking a sick dog. I

know I use to get a lot of verbal jabs in to my nada all the time

growing up and she's use to it- verbal sparing w/me as I've always

been her number one target. Now days she just simply does not know

how to handle it that I won't give in to her hystrionics nor will I

fight back w/her methods of anger and revenge and rage. I just stand

firm in my convictions and say what needs to be said and keep ever

mindful of the fact she's mentally ill. It really makes her even more

enraged that I am staying healthy and not playing the games, but it

wouldn't matter one way or another. Its not about me. She had rage

issues long before I entered the planet and I don't personalize it

anymore. I just let her have her rage and when I'm in close

proximity, I leave and stay out of the way (like I did last weekend.

I left when she got her mad/rage face and that was that. I wasn't

scared of her to the point where I would cave to her reality, but I

also wasn't stupid enough to engage in a fight w/her anymore- never

worked in the past and never will b/c that's all she's ever known-

anger, rage, fighting, drama, blah, blah).

I think were I in your shoes and when I have been in the past, if I'm

feeling like I don't want to go around her and feeling anxiety and

guilt and all these bad emotions that I don't know how to handle and

I don't fully trust myself to take care of me or to be able to handle

another thing on my plate from her, I simply lie to her. I don't feel

guilty lieing to her b/c I realize now that's all she's ever done to

me and most of the things I lie about are not grave matters of life

and death, but more about me keeping me safe- emotionally, physically

and psycholigically. I think I would tell nada, " Oh I'm so sorry.

I've had to cancel my trip as so and so won't be in town afterall and

I've got a gazillion things to do around the house. " Her manipulative

game of the hospital will then be something she has to deal w/alone-

either she still goes in for the surgery and deals w/it or she

postpones it b/c she was using that date to screw w/you or whatever.

Either way, its an out and a legitamite out. I wouldn't feel badly

either b/c they don't live in the same reality we do. Lieing to a

crazy person may very well help them sometimes as I've learned

through my psychiatrist sister-in-law. Its not always good to tell

people who aren't plugged into reality the truth. Say you do go, then

you don't visit, that just adds to her whole abandonment issues

and/or if you do go, you don't help her either w/showing her that her

games still work and helping her foster a bp existence while you

leave w/shame and guilt and feeling like crap. What good is that for

anyone?

Your desire to tell your nada these things is understandable and you

telling her makes sense. Sometimes we get tricked into thinking they

are normal b/c when they aren't acting out, they do indeed seem

fairly normal. I don't suggest beating yourself up for sharing this

with her. You should be able to share these things w/a mother and not

worry that she'll have to upstage you w/planning surgery that day and

make it all about her. You are thinking and talking like a normal

person and to beat yourself up for doing what normal people do is a

waste of your time and energy. You didn't cause this mental illness

and you're obviously not mentally ill either as you react like a

normal person. Just next time you will know better how to bite your

tongue b/c you'll look back on this situation and say 'oh yes, better

not open my mouth on this one.' Its learning process and a lifetime

of getting over being brainwashed to view life and relationships on

their terms. Why would you and how could you possibly have all the

answers to every scenario a bp could come up with?

This is what I've learned to do through practice and these are the

things other people have told me when I've been in your situation and

so this is not MY sage advice but stuff that's been passed along that

has helped me out and it has helped me. Hope you do what's best for

you.

Kerrie

>

> Hi All!

> I made the mistake of mentioning to my nada a few weeks ago that

I

> would be in my home town in mid April to see friends that were

flying

> back for a visit. I knew she was in the process of scheduling hip

> surgery but it never occored to me she would schedule it for when I

> was there. Her relentless manipulations to get me to see her are

> infurating. She knows I will be in town because I told her and of

> course I feel guilty and feel like I have to go see her at the

> hospital. But I don't want to. I want to see my friends that I only

> see once a year when they fly back. People that actually like me

for

> me, unlike the nada. So now that I am getting more and more mad at

> her for trying to manipulate a visit I am feeling more and more

> guilty because why can't I just go see her for an hour after she

> comes out of surgery. I am mad at myself that I even told her I

> would be in town, I know how she is. I am trying to figure out

where

> guilt and responsibility collide. Surgery is a major event and I

> feel a responsibility to be there at least a little but that she

> would schedule it for when she did is obviously to guilt me into

> being there. Of course she would say she didn't schedule it to try

> to get me to come see her but I never believe a word out of her

mouth

> so who cares what she says. Only what I feel really matters. And

> that is the problem, I can't figure out the difference when it

> concearns her what is guilt and what is basic responsibility. But I

> guess I have no real responsibility to her, she spoiled that when

she

> treated me so irresponsibly and abusively as a child. So I come

back

> to guilt and how strong I can be to stand up to her. I don't feel

> very strong today but that could change in the next few weeks. I

will

> probably wait until I go to decide if I will see her or not, I will

> see how I feel that day. At least I have my husband to go with me,

> that always makes it easier to deal with her. And on the bright

> side, she will be all drugged from surgery, this could be more fun

> than I thought. Her defences will be down, I could probably get a

few

> good verbal jabs in before she can respond and then leave. That

> could be lots of fun. Thanks for listening.

> Tree

>