RE: Animal Magnetism

[Guest guest]

I think BPs are absolutely drawn to KOs. I'm quite

convinced that it's equal parts overtolerance on our

part and that we appear so freakin' in control and

balanced. And while we don't enjoy their unpredictible

behavior, we at least know how to handle it and thus

maintain those friendships long enough to get attached

sometimes.

About a year ago I realized that my best friend has

strong BPD tendencies. Luckily, I've never been the

object of her ire. In fact, she only rages at men.

Nonetheless, we are nowhere near as close now that I

am not blind to her reckless (and clueless) behavior.

But honestly it kind of pisses me off that the one

person I've really connected with in a very long time

is entirely undependable.

On the flipside, I think KOs are also drawn to each

other. The problem is that, when both parties are so

cautious (or even hypervigilant), I think it's hard to

inject emotion into those relationships. Those

friendships end up being more like business

partnerships.

Does anyone else have a hard time finding people who

are " together " enough (as far as behavior and

self-control) to live up their standards? I'm only 25,

but all my life adults have said I was " so mature. " I

keep struggling to find other folks who value

stability and personal responsibility as much as I do

who aren't complete sticks in the mud...

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

wrote:

we appear so freakin' in control and balanced.

_________________

OMG, do we? Not me! Oh hang on, I guess it does take a bit to spin me out.

I suppose most of what went on when we were kids, mum's latest neurosis and

I didn't even know the one before had finished (it hadn't lol), we take

Crisis as Normal.

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[Guest guest]

Yup.

On the surface we might indeed know what to look for. But deep-down we have been

conditioned to ignore, justify or explain away BPs' atrocious behavior toward

us, which causes us to have little blinders on, I think. Therefore we are prey

(at least at first, till we slowly figure it out) to BPs and people with related

personality disorders (like narcissists). Ugh

Flea

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

, YES. And frankly, I attract lots of other kinds of crap too. I

was reading in a book Charlie recommended (Trauma and Recovery) how

people that have been through traumatic situations end up re-enacting

the situations (possibly subconsciously trying to confront the

situation and do better this time) and also that they loose some of

their ability to self-protect. When I first moved away from a

dangerous and physically abusive situation in my FOO when I was 18, I

ended up moving into a house full of people, one of whom was also

dangerous and unpredictable. I have always had this reoccuring dream

that someone is trying to sneak up on me and kill me in my sleep and,

at that time, I was actually sleeping in a house where someone was

capable of doing that. WHAT WAS I THINKING???? I am sad to say that

at the time, I literally didn't know any better. 10 years later, I

feel I have better judgement.

But if you think about it, my FOO kept telling me that that was normal

behavior as I grew up, that I shouldn't be so sensitive or that I

should " get over it, " or that it wasn't even happening. So of course,

my ability to deal with potentially abusive people was skewed.

>

> Has anyone been surprised at how, even though we know damned well

what to

> look for, and know damned well that we are about to get abused, all the

> warning signs and great big fat red flags are ignored?

>

> One of my friends, it turns out, is right royally BPD. I'm ever so

glad we

> aren't close friends ;-)

>

> Anyone else feel like a BP magnet?

>

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[Guest guest]

I think I use to attract them when I was in my 20s and lived at home

w/nada and was more of a doormat. I think in high school I always

fought against her and knew she was screwed up. Even when I was

little I knew she was screwed up (dh found this note I wrote to her

when I was 9 or 10 begging her to get professional help that he

dubbed at the time a manifesto, but now he thinks I had life and

relationships more straight at 9 or 10 than she ever has or will).

But then when my brother tried to kill himself and I moved back home,

she hit me in my weakspot- my brother. That was the only time she

really had her nails deep in me and I bought into her reality and

really got beaten down by her. I got crap in high school and tried to

kill myself, but I always protested against her and her ways. As a

young adult though, I caved b/c of fear for my brother's life and

that's when I started attracting some super freaks in my life- x-

fiance whose most definitely a borderline, another real freak whose

more like a stalker who slashed my tires b/c I got him fired from our

job for harrassment- had a boyfriend and wouldn't go out w/him,

another freak who was just way out there...and a few friends who were

that way too.

It all changed when I moved away to college and found my freedom. I

had one friend that was probably a borderline but overall, I didn't

pull them into my life anymore when I was away from the FOO.

Now days, I've got this instanta-bp-repel thing going on. I've had a

couple try to push their way into my life and I just push back. Most

of them I find do NOT like me. I have no sympathy for the bs and I

don't buy into their games and so they don't tend to like me or try

too much w/me besides walking away.

I think for me the breaking point was an awareness factor. I decided

after being 'victimized' a few times that I wouldn't give my power

away again w/o my own permission and so even though x-fiance was

probably a bp, I don't have near as many hang-ups w/that relationship

just b/c it ran its course, I grew up and moved on. I understand why

I was attracted to him and I understand how and why it ended- I had

good friends giving me reality checks. But its understandable how a

KO would be pulled in. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted and

the KO has been conditioned to only know one kind of love- hate in

disguise/abuse. To pull them in would be normal on certain levels

until awareness develops for the facts of the mental illness and an

integration w/intellectual awareness and emotional maturity- hard to

integrate honestly...especially since it was never modeled in the

formative years.

If you are attracted to bps and/or find them popping up in your life,

I think it is sometimes best to question why and what about them you

find so attractive. For me, the hook line and sinker was the

flattery, the adulation, the charm, etc. After a while I learned that

I didn't want to be up on a pedestal (I never did in high school

though I changed in my 20s probably from getting beaten down by life

and nada) and that anyone who tried to accessively flatter me,

accessively bond w/me, have too many coincidences, etc, was not

grounds for bonding. It was my red flag.

The borderlines I've known all believe in this ridiculous thing

called 'soulmates' and it pisses me off. Don't get me wrong. I

believe in soulmates to varying degrees but certainly not to the same

degrees a borderline does. The borderline uses the whole 'oh my gosh,

you sooo understand me' or 'me too.' or 'that just happened to me the

other day also!' Sometimes it is legit and honest things, but those

aren't things by which to say a relationship is 'destined' to be one

way or another. I don't believe in fate. Borderlines tend to in my

experience and work on that so that others put up w/their crap and so

they never have to take responsibility for their lives. They are just

passengers on a ship and never see that they are the captains as well

of their own destiny. It was destiny that brought us together and no

one but you understands me and if you leave me I'll be lost w/o you-

blah, blah, blah. Get a grip is how I feel about it now days

w/regards to nada. I know that's how she kept this last one- he was

the love of my life- the term she uses. Hmm, so you criticize the

$hit out of him until he decides one day to start the car and never

leave the garage? Wow! Makes me really, really, really glad I was the

black sheep/all bad/hated child in the family if that's how you treat

the love of your life- your soulmate. Ugh. Definitely never, ever,

ever want to be the soulmate of a borderline.

I do believe certain people come into my life coincidentally and

such, but I think it is like one of my friends wrote on a card when I

was younger and horrible about staying in touch: 'Fate determines who

comes into our lives. Our actions determine who stays.' I got the

message and wrote back and am still friends w/her today, but I agree

about judging people more by their actions than anything else now

days. Love is a choice. Hate is a choice. Relationships are a choice.

Kerrie

>

> Has anyone been surprised at how, even though we know damned well

what to

> look for, and know damned well that we are about to get abused, all

the

> warning signs and great big fat red flags are ignored?

>

> One of my friends, it turns out, is right royally BPD. I'm ever so

glad we

> aren't close friends ;-)

>

> Anyone else feel like a BP magnet?

>

>

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>

>