Re: Help, please. Need perspective on processing childhood trauma.(long post)

[Guest guest]

Dear Trish,

First, a validation that it was no less a trauma because your

brother did it. I'm so sorry to hear of you going through that.

And, by allowing it to happen, your parents did it too. Shame on

them.

For me, the remembering came in two stages. The first was just

having the memories up in my mind. Like you, I thought I was done

there. But then, just now, as soon as I got in touch with my inner

kids, and I began to truly establish safety, they started to

truly 'let out' the memories. That's what has begun happening to me

now that I have geographical and financial 'safety'. For the past

couple of months, memories have started to surface, but, this time,

they have feelings attached. And, once I feel those feelings, it's

like something has been resolved, released. And I don't feel them

again. It's extremely painful, but precious work to do, because I

feel like I am actually progressing.

It's not a step I was able to force. It happens naturally, whenever

I am feeling safe enough. Now I truly understand the writing about

how traumatic memories are stored differently, separate from the

feelings. In order to move on, you have to connect the memories to

the feelings. But it seems so far to be very effective. I am still

crippled at times, very often in fact, but now I am actually

healthier after it happens, and on my way to it happening less. I

am assuming there is a finite amount of stuff in there. (Don't tell

me otherwise ....)

I think you might not have safety completely squared away yet. Or

perhaps you don't have the right person/therapist to validate and

bear witness. That could be why you're stuck between steps.

(Remember though this is not a professional opinion!)

>

> Hi everyone, I could use some help on something that's keeping me

from

> sleeping and even sparking some of the old jumpiness and

> phobias(always a pleasure). I'm in pretty good spirits and am

taking

> it as 2 steps forward ONE step back, but it's a scary to be

> backsliding at all because I never want to go back to the way I

felt

> before. Also, I'm nervous about making this post--it's kind of

like

> admiting it means you can't go back.

>

> My situation is complicated by the fact that it's not a parent that

> abused me, but my younger brother and it makes me feel like I

couldn't

> have really been abused. I find myself thinking that I can't blame

> him because he was a child, that he couldn't possibly have had this

> much of an effect on me, that I'm exagerating, or that it's my

fault

> because I was older and could have done something.

>

> I think this attitude I have about how this " should " be affecting

me

> comes straight from my nada's response to the abuse as we were

growing

> up. The few times I ran to my nada for protection because I really

> thought my brother wanted to hurt me(ie chasing me with weapon)

she'd

> say, " well, if you stop running, he won't chase you anymore. "

Also,

> my parents saw him attack me and did NOTHING, as if they thought it

> was normal--and I'd get in trouble for fighting back. I'm not

talking

> about normal sibling fights(I've discussed it with my therapist who

> has assured me it is not normal).

>

> I just repressed most of the stuff and waited to deal with it

until I

> left the house. I spent my freshman year of

college " remembering. " So

> I think I've pretty much uncovered everything that's happened, but

I

> just don't think I ever really realized or came to terms with how

much

> it hurt me because I didn't think it should hurt me--if you know

what

> I mean. Also, what disturbs me now is that I can see that it's

> affected me (the hypervigilance, the phobias, the sleeplessness

etc)

> but I feel just numb about all of it. In fact, I feel almost like

I'm

> making it up or something--I mean, here I am calmly typing away. .

> .Weird.

>

> I think I have 2 options: dig up all this stuff and try to face it

> again or just keep pretending it didn't really hurt me. A year

ago,

> the sleeplessness, fear, jumpiness and physical pain was enought to

> get me to therapy. But now. . .I'm not sure the physical pain

> outweighs the pain of going back--if you know what I mean. And I

was

> kind of under the impression that I was done with all of

this. . .so

> I'm not excited about dealing with it again. How have you all

chosen

> to deal with this kind of thing?

>

> Trish

>

[Guest guest]

Charlie, thanks so much for your post. It has really put me at ease

about my ability to handle this part of my recovery. I was getting

afraid, I think. It feels like progress, but it feels like scary

progress if you know what I mean.

Your explanation seemed very sound, for a self-professed non-expert.

After all, you are an expert on your way of dealing this. . .and your

way sounds a little like what's going on with me. I went running

after I posted and got flooded with thoughts and feelings about this

whole thing. As I was running, I was realizing that some recent

events with my FOO over the holidays made me feel very unsafe indeed

and that the threat of violence is still real and so is the threat of

not being protected by my stupid, enabling parents who can't figure

out when it's an appropriate time to call the police or ask someone to

leave. They expect me to come home but home is not a safe place to

be--so they expect me to put myself in danger to be around them.

No wonder I've been losing sleep! Ok, I'm feeling much more normal

now--I SHOULD be reacting negatively to this situation.

I'm releived to hear that, for you, this process has gone piece by

piece and not all at once. I think that's what was really scaring me.

I imagined that a flood was coming! I can deal with this if it's

just a little bit at a time.

As for my therapist, I think I was lucky and stumbled onto someone

really great. He validates my concerns for my safety and my desire

not to be abused in no uncertain terms; I just HATE therapy. I think

it's a flea I have. I don't like it when I can't figure things out on

my own and I don't like feeling vulnerable and asking for help. But

I've been thinking of making an appointment for a while. . .and I'm

feeling less freaked out about moving forward now.

Thanks again for your help! This is really something that you can't

quite figure out alone(as much as I would love to be able to do that:)

I appreciate your input.

Trish

> >

> > Hi everyone, I could use some help on something that's keeping me

> from

> > sleeping and even sparking some of the old jumpiness and

> > phobias(always a pleasure). I'm in pretty good spirits and am

> taking

> > it as 2 steps forward ONE step back, but it's a scary to be

> > backsliding at all because I never want to go back to the way I

> felt

> > before. Also, I'm nervous about making this post--it's kind of

> like

> > admiting it means you can't go back.

> >

> > My situation is complicated by the fact that it's not a parent that

> > abused me, but my younger brother and it makes me feel like I

> couldn't

> > have really been abused. I find myself thinking that I can't blame

> > him because he was a child, that he couldn't possibly have had this

> > much of an effect on me, that I'm exagerating, or that it's my

> fault

> > because I was older and could have done something.

> >

> > I think this attitude I have about how this " should " be affecting

> me

> > comes straight from my nada's response to the abuse as we were

> growing

> > up. The few times I ran to my nada for protection because I really

> > thought my brother wanted to hurt me(ie chasing me with weapon)

> she'd

> > say, " well, if you stop running, he won't chase you anymore. "

> Also,

> > my parents saw him attack me and did NOTHING, as if they thought it

> > was normal--and I'd get in trouble for fighting back. I'm not

> talking

> > about normal sibling fights(I've discussed it with my therapist who

> > has assured me it is not normal).

> >

> > I just repressed most of the stuff and waited to deal with it

> until I

> > left the house. I spent my freshman year of

> college " remembering. " So

> > I think I've pretty much uncovered everything that's happened, but

> I

> > just don't think I ever really realized or came to terms with how

> much

> > it hurt me because I didn't think it should hurt me--if you know

> what

> > I mean. Also, what disturbs me now is that I can see that it's

> > affected me (the hypervigilance, the phobias, the sleeplessness

> etc)

> > but I feel just numb about all of it. In fact, I feel almost like

> I'm

> > making it up or something--I mean, here I am calmly typing away. .

> > .Weird.

> >

> > I think I have 2 options: dig up all this stuff and try to face it

> > again or just keep pretending it didn't really hurt me. A year

> ago,

> > the sleeplessness, fear, jumpiness and physical pain was enought to

> > get me to therapy. But now. . .I'm not sure the physical pain

> > outweighs the pain of going back--if you know what I mean. And I

> was

> > kind of under the impression that I was done with all of

> this. . .so

> > I'm not excited about dealing with it again. How have you all

> chosen

> > to deal with this kind of thing?

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Trish,

Through the years, I’ve almost always chosen to look at, sort through and,

sometimes, blast away at the memories, thoughts and feelings. I didn’t

want to be like my dish/dudrag fada, let alone my nada, denying that

anything’s wrong. It’s been hard, with many sacrifices, but I don’t

regret it.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- tlblack2006 wrote:

> Charlie, thanks so much for your post. It has really put me at ease

> about my ability to handle this part of my recovery. I was getting

> afraid, I think. It feels like progress, but it feels like scary

> progress if you know what I mean.

>

> Your explanation seemed very sound, for a self-professed non-expert.

> After all, you are an expert on your way of dealing this. . .and your

> way sounds a little like what's going on with me. I went running

> after I posted and got flooded with thoughts and feelings about this

> whole thing. As I was running, I was realizing that some recent

> events with my FOO over the holidays made me feel very unsafe indeed

> and that the threat of violence is still real and so is the threat of

> not being protected by my stupid, enabling parents who can't figure

> out when it's an appropriate time to call the police or ask someone to

> leave. They expect me to come home but home is not a safe place to

> be--so they expect me to put myself in danger to be around them.

>

> No wonder I've been losing sleep! Ok, I'm feeling much more normal

> now--I SHOULD be reacting negatively to this situation.

>

> I'm releived to hear that, for you, this process has gone piece by

> piece and not all at once. I think that's what was really scaring me.

> I imagined that a flood was coming! I can deal with this if it's

> just a little bit at a time.

>

> As for my therapist, I think I was lucky and stumbled onto someone

> really great. He validates my concerns for my safety and my desire

> not to be abused in no uncertain terms; I just HATE therapy. I think

> it's a flea I have. I don't like it when I can't figure things out on

> my own and I don't like feeling vulnerable and asking for help. But

> I've been thinking of making an appointment for a while. . .and I'm

> feeling less freaked out about moving forward now.

>

> Thanks again for your help! This is really something that you can't

> quite figure out alone(as much as I would love to be able to do that:)

> I appreciate your input.

>

> Trish

>

>

> > >

> > > Hi everyone, I could use some help on something that's keeping me

> > from

> > > sleeping and even sparking some of the old jumpiness and

> > > phobias(always a pleasure). I'm in pretty good spirits and am

> > taking

> > > it as 2 steps forward ONE step back, but it's a scary to be

> > > backsliding at all because I never want to go back to the way I

> > felt

> > > before. Also, I'm nervous about making this post--it's kind of

> > like

> > > admiting it means you can't go back.

> > >

> > > My situation is complicated by the fact that it's not a parent that

> > > abused me, but my younger brother and it makes me feel like I

> > couldn't

> > > have really been abused. I find myself thinking that I can't blame

> > > him because he was a child, that he couldn't possibly have had this

> > > much of an effect on me, that I'm exagerating, or that it's my

> > fault

> > > because I was older and could have done something.

> > >

> > > I think this attitude I have about how this " should " be affecting

> > me

> > > comes straight from my nada's response to the abuse as we were

> > growing

> > > up. The few times I ran to my nada for protection because I really

> > > thought my brother wanted to hurt me(ie chasing me with weapon)

> > she'd

> > > say, " well, if you stop running, he won't chase you anymore. "

> > Also,

> > > my parents saw him attack me and did NOTHING, as if they thought it

> > > was normal--and I'd get in trouble for fighting back. I'm not

> > talking

> > > about normal sibling fights(I've discussed it with my therapist who

> > > has assured me it is not normal).

> > >

> > > I just repressed most of the stuff and waited to deal with it

> > until I

> > > left the house. I spent my freshman year of

> > college " remembering. " So

> > > I think I've pretty much uncovered everything that's happened, but

> > I

> > > just don't think I ever really realized or came to terms with how

> > much

> > > it hurt me because I didn't think it should hurt me--if you know

> > what

> > > I mean. Also, what disturbs me now is that I can see that it's

> > > affected me (the hypervigilance, the phobias, the sleeplessness

> > etc)

> > > but I feel just numb about all of it. In fact, I feel almost like

> > I'm

> > > making it up or something--I mean, here I am calmly typing away. .

> > > .Weird.

> > >

> > > I think I have 2 options: dig up all this stuff and try to face it

> > > again or just keep pretending it didn't really hurt me. A year

> > ago,

> > > the sleeplessness, fear, jumpiness and physical pain was enought to

> > > get me to therapy. But now. . .I'm not sure the physical pain

> > > outweighs the pain of going back--if you know what I mean. And I

> > was

> > > kind of under the impression that I was done with all of

> > this. . .so

> > > I'm not excited about dealing with it again. How have you all

> > chosen

> > > to deal with this kind of thing?

> > >

> > > Trish

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Trish,

It feels awful to be awake and jumpy at all hours, when you would rather be

resting. I think you have a really good attitude about reminding yourself, " 2

steps forward ONE step back " !

Sometimes if I need more reassurance that that IS true, I try to look back,

say ten years. And I say, yeah, it's a whole lot better now, despite all the

intervening setbacks.

Wow, I had an experience with a much younger brother chasing me with a weapon

too!

I was home for a couple days over Xmas when I was a junior in high school. My

parents were out somewhere. I was watching a show in Discovery channel about

alligators and crocodiles--I'll never forget that LOL! It was interesting. So,

brother, who was about 7 at the time, says he wants to watch a show. It was

like 5 minutes of 8 and his show came on at 8. So I said--get this, KOs!--I

said, " Ok, this is over in a couple minutes, then you can watch yours. "

So he ran from the room, got a big knife from the kitchen and ran toward me

with it, yelling and crying hysterically! I, um, left the area. I just stayed

in my room and he watched whatever the h*** he wanted. When I tried to tell

nada about this the next morning, she had this attitude like (1) she didn't

believe it and (2) she thought I was a petty little tattletale. I told her I

thought he needed some kind of help, cuz trying to attack your sister with a

knife when she agrees to let you watch your tv show, is not normal.

Anyway, I DO know that it's quite stressful " When Younger Brothers

Attack " !!!!! No joke. And this happened only once, mainly cuz I didn't live in

the house at that point. And it was still very scary/stressful. So I imagine it

could have quite a negative effect on a person! I'm sorry that happened to you.

I hope you are feeling better soon!

Best,

Flea

---------------------------------

Brings words and photos together (easily) with

PhotoMail - it's free and works with Yahoo! Mail.

[Guest guest]

Flea, thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you also have experience

with the attack of the younger brother. (It does sound funny,

although it's not funny when you think someone is going to kill

you.) I think it's so weird that a kid would act that way and I

hope and pray that if I have kids they will not do that. I will not

know what to do. I think there's something about the randomness of

the attacks that is scary too. I don't remember why my brother was

chasing me with a rake(not a leaf one, but a STURDY metal one that

was bigger than either of us). It was random. Most of his attacks

were " random. " Was your brother split black by any chance? I almost

feel sometimes that my nada created this massive rivalry between us,

by accepting nothing less than success in me and then telling my

brother he was a looser for not being like me. . .our ages are close

and he has confided in some of my friends, which is how I learned of

this dynamic. Was wondering if it was the same for you.

Trish

>

> Trish,

> It feels awful to be awake and jumpy at all hours, when you

would rather be resting. I think you have a really good attitude

about reminding yourself, " 2 steps forward ONE step back " !

>

> Sometimes if I need more reassurance that that IS true, I try to

look back, say ten years. And I say, yeah, it's a whole lot better

now, despite all the intervening setbacks.

>

> Wow, I had an experience with a much younger brother chasing me

with a weapon too!

>

> I was home for a couple days over Xmas when I was a junior in

high school. My parents were out somewhere. I was watching a show

in Discovery channel about alligators and crocodiles--I'll never

forget that LOL! It was interesting. So, brother, who was about 7

at the time, says he wants to watch a show. It was like 5 minutes

of 8 and his show came on at 8. So I said--get this, KOs!--I

said, " Ok, this is over in a couple minutes, then you can watch

yours. "

>

> So he ran from the room, got a big knife from the kitchen and

ran toward me with it, yelling and crying hysterically! I, um, left

the area. I just stayed in my room and he watched whatever the h***

he wanted. When I tried to tell nada about this the next morning,

she had this attitude like (1) she didn't believe it and (2) she

thought I was a petty little tattletale. I told her I thought he

needed some kind of help, cuz trying to attack your sister with a

knife when she agrees to let you watch your tv show, is not normal.

>

> Anyway, I DO know that it's quite stressful " When Younger

Brothers Attack " !!!!! No joke. And this happened only once, mainly

cuz I didn't live in the house at that point. And it was still very

scary/stressful. So I imagine it could have quite a negative effect

on a person! I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you are feeling

better soon!

>

> Best,

> Flea

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Brings words and photos together (easily) with

> PhotoMail - it's free and works with Yahoo! Mail.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Non-bp, I think you're right. I do think it's worth it, I was just

afraid that it was going to trigger some of my old. . . symptoms and

I'm not willing to go back there. But I'm thinking now, I can take

this at my own pace, continue with real life and just deal with

things a little at a time. Thanks for your words of wisdom.

Trish

> > > >

> > > > Hi everyone, I could use some help on something that's

keeping me

> > > from

> > > > sleeping and even sparking some of the old jumpiness and

> > > > phobias(always a pleasure). I'm in pretty good spirits and

am

> > > taking

> > > > it as 2 steps forward ONE step back, but it's a scary to be

> > > > backsliding at all because I never want to go back to the

way I

> > > felt

> > > > before. Also, I'm nervous about making this post--it's kind

of

> > > like

> > > > admiting it means you can't go back.

> > > >

> > > > My situation is complicated by the fact that it's not a

parent that

> > > > abused me, but my younger brother and it makes me feel like

I

> > > couldn't

> > > > have really been abused. I find myself thinking that I

can't blame

> > > > him because he was a child, that he couldn't possibly have

had this

> > > > much of an effect on me, that I'm exagerating, or that it's

my

> > > fault

> > > > because I was older and could have done something.

> > > >

> > > > I think this attitude I have about how this " should " be

affecting

> > > me

> > > > comes straight from my nada's response to the abuse as we

were

> > > growing

> > > > up. The few times I ran to my nada for protection because I

really

> > > > thought my brother wanted to hurt me(ie chasing me with

weapon)

> > > she'd

> > > > say, " well, if you stop running, he won't chase you

anymore. "

> > > Also,

> > > > my parents saw him attack me and did NOTHING, as if they

thought it

> > > > was normal--and I'd get in trouble for fighting back. I'm

not

> > > talking

> > > > about normal sibling fights(I've discussed it with my

therapist who

> > > > has assured me it is not normal).

> > > >

> > > > I just repressed most of the stuff and waited to deal with

it

> > > until I

> > > > left the house. I spent my freshman year of

> > > college " remembering. " So

> > > > I think I've pretty much uncovered everything that's

happened, but

> > > I

> > > > just don't think I ever really realized or came to terms

with how

> > > much

> > > > it hurt me because I didn't think it should hurt me--if you

know

> > > what

> > > > I mean. Also, what disturbs me now is that I can see that

it's

> > > > affected me (the hypervigilance, the phobias, the

sleeplessness

> > > etc)

> > > > but I feel just numb about all of it. In fact, I feel

almost like

> > > I'm

> > > > making it up or something--I mean, here I am calmly typing

away. .

> > > > .Weird.

> > > >

> > > > I think I have 2 options: dig up all this stuff and try to

face it

> > > > again or just keep pretending it didn't really hurt me. A

year

> > > ago,

> > > > the sleeplessness, fear, jumpiness and physical pain was

enought to

> > > > get me to therapy. But now. . .I'm not sure the physical

pain

> > > > outweighs the pain of going back--if you know what I mean.

And I

> > > was

> > > > kind of under the impression that I was done with all of

> > > this. . .so

> > > > I'm not excited about dealing with it again. How have you

all

> > > chosen

> > > > to deal with this kind of thing?

> > > >

> > > > Trish

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Trish,

I deal with it incrementally. When all of it was coming out in 2000,

my sister in law who is a psychiatrist told me not to think of it all

the time and obsess about it, that denial is a coping mechanism there

to protect us from ourselves most times. I was getting totally

overwhelmed in my depression as it is honestly too much to handle all

at once. Logically I had faced the truth and knew the cards like you

said, but emotionally it was all hitting me at once and I wanted to

fix it all at once and make it just go away all at once and was

drowning in my incapacity to do so. And so again, I say its best

w/some things like these repressed memories and/or information that

is simply too much to process all at one time w/o having a breakdown,

to just take it in waves. I still have some waves come crashing in

and the stronger I get, the easier it is for me to ride them and

uncover some of the truthes of my history. I will say that b/c I take

these step forwards like you say, it is easier for me to look back

and say to myself 'Its okay. I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. I can

handle this.' But where I use to be, I simply could not handle it all

at once. I had not built up the confidence in my self to

deal 'emotionally' w/this level of trauma and I had not

differentiated enough between now and then nor did I know enough

about this mental illness and have boundaries in place to protect me

TODAY from more trauma. And so that's why I think my SIL said don't

try to take it all in at once as its very possible to just quit

functioning- getting psychologically sick, bodily sick, etc. She sees

a lot of people who just check out so I trusted her in dealing w/this

kind of trauma and still do think she knows more than a lot of

therapists I've been too. She's extremely nurturing and fortifying if

that makes sense.

Best wishes to you. I do know what you mean. It is NOT easy by a

long shot. But it does get easier when you can tell yourself that you

don't have to be perfect and fix this problem overnight. Giving

yourself permission to simply be human and realize all humans process

trauma in slow and difficult ways.

Kerrie

>

> Hi everyone, I could use some help on something that's keeping me

from

> sleeping and even sparking some of the old jumpiness and

> phobias(always a pleasure). I'm in pretty good spirits and am

taking

> it as 2 steps forward ONE step back, but it's a scary to be

> backsliding at all because I never want to go back to the way I felt

> before. Also, I'm nervous about making this post--it's kind of like

> admiting it means you can't go back.

>

> My situation is complicated by the fact that it's not a parent that

> abused me, but my younger brother and it makes me feel like I

couldn't

> have really been abused. I find myself thinking that I can't blame

> him because he was a child, that he couldn't possibly have had this

> much of an effect on me, that I'm exagerating, or that it's my fault

> because I was older and could have done something.

>

> I think this attitude I have about how this " should " be affecting me

> comes straight from my nada's response to the abuse as we were

growing

> up. The few times I ran to my nada for protection because I really

> thought my brother wanted to hurt me(ie chasing me with weapon)

she'd

> say, " well, if you stop running, he won't chase you anymore. " Also,

> my parents saw him attack me and did NOTHING, as if they thought it

> was normal--and I'd get in trouble for fighting back. I'm not

talking

> about normal sibling fights(I've discussed it with my therapist who

> has assured me it is not normal).

>

> I just repressed most of the stuff and waited to deal with it until

I

> left the house. I spent my freshman year of college " remembering. "

So

> I think I've pretty much uncovered everything that's happened, but I

> just don't think I ever really realized or came to terms with how

much

> it hurt me because I didn't think it should hurt me--if you know

what

> I mean. Also, what disturbs me now is that I can see that it's

> affected me (the hypervigilance, the phobias, the sleeplessness etc)

> but I feel just numb about all of it. In fact, I feel almost like

I'm

> making it up or something--I mean, here I am calmly typing away. .

> .Weird.

>

> I think I have 2 options: dig up all this stuff and try to face it

> again or just keep pretending it didn't really hurt me. A year ago,

> the sleeplessness, fear, jumpiness and physical pain was enought to

> get me to therapy. But now. . .I'm not sure the physical pain

> outweighs the pain of going back--if you know what I mean. And I was

> kind of under the impression that I was done with all of this. . .so

> I'm not excited about dealing with it again. How have you all

chosen

> to deal with this kind of thing?

>

> Trish

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Trish,

Well, before I left the house (at age 13) I was more split black and he was

more the " loved " one. After I left, they needed someone to pick on, and he got

more split black then.

My nada did set up this huge ongoing conflict rivalry between us. I remember

sensing she was doing it and wondering why. Then she would complain to everyone

about how long-suffering she was--poor waif--cuz her kids " hated each other " ...

I used to tell her, " I don't hate HIM, I hate what you let him do. "

Even when he was a toddler, nada would encourage him (with her laughing, etc)

to go into my room and destroy things--like rip up my posters, scribble in my

books, eat my stash of Halloween candy, etc. And when I was upset--about him

being allowed in my room, and destroying my things, and nada letting him and

laughing about it-- she would get furious with ME, like I was the biggest b****

in the world, and HURRUMPH out of the room, with a comment like, " Come on, A.

Your sister doesn't WANT YOU IN HERE!!! SHE HATES YOU. " And we went back and

forth SO many times, with me saying " I don't hate HIM, just keep him out of my

stuff ok? "

But you know how nadas are. Can't win.

Anyway, she programmed him to believe I hated him, and it's no surprise that

he ended up hating me---especially when I left home and suddenly he was the

" bad " kid, the scapegoat. I left and he suffered--I didn't plan it that way,

obviously, but I feel bad about it.

And another thing I feel guilty about, is I left home in order to save

myself, not realizing that he would be their next victim, AND I was no longer

there to be a buffer for him, when they would fight etc. They would have some

pretty scary violent fights, and he was just a little kid and when I was still

home, I would comfort him and try to distract him. And I left him in their

clutches--not really considering what it might be for him. :-(.

Anyway, all things considered--his temperament, his environment, his

programming, and the particular circumstances, it's not surprising that he

hates me. He's got some kind of serious mental health problems now. He's mean

to everyone, including his wife. He'll rage at anyone. At one point he wanted

me dead, for real (I think). I didn't want him to have my address/phone

(although nada provided--nice!).

This is long and rambling? Where did I start? Oh yeah, the split good/bad

thing.

The randomness is scary--esp when I told him yeah, you can watch your show.

Ai.

Flea

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Thank you Kerrie, I think I was really under the impression that I

could either deal with it all at once or not at all. When I dealt

with some of this before in college, it felt like it was present in

every waking moment. . .so that's why I was wary to go back and take

another look. The important thing is to preserve the safety of my

daily life and to enjoy the life that I've created for myelf and keep

it whole. I am not willing to sacrifice that for the past, even if it

means having a few fleas. But it's good to see that I'll still be

able to continue to heal a little at a time.

I really appreciate the response and the insight.

Trish

> >

> > Hi everyone, I could use some help on something that's keeping me

> from

> > sleeping and even sparking some of the old jumpiness and

> > phobias(always a pleasure). I'm in pretty good spirits and am

> taking

> > it as 2 steps forward ONE step back, but it's a scary to be

> > backsliding at all because I never want to go back to the way I felt

> > before. Also, I'm nervous about making this post--it's kind of like

> > admiting it means you can't go back.

> >

> > My situation is complicated by the fact that it's not a parent that

> > abused me, but my younger brother and it makes me feel like I

> couldn't

> > have really been abused. I find myself thinking that I can't blame

> > him because he was a child, that he couldn't possibly have had this

> > much of an effect on me, that I'm exagerating, or that it's my fault

> > because I was older and could have done something.

> >

> > I think this attitude I have about how this " should " be affecting me

> > comes straight from my nada's response to the abuse as we were

> growing

> > up. The few times I ran to my nada for protection because I really

> > thought my brother wanted to hurt me(ie chasing me with weapon)

> she'd

> > say, " well, if you stop running, he won't chase you anymore. " Also,

> > my parents saw him attack me and did NOTHING, as if they thought it

> > was normal--and I'd get in trouble for fighting back. I'm not

> talking

> > about normal sibling fights(I've discussed it with my therapist who

> > has assured me it is not normal).

> >

> > I just repressed most of the stuff and waited to deal with it until

> I

> > left the house. I spent my freshman year of college " remembering. "

> So

> > I think I've pretty much uncovered everything that's happened, but I

> > just don't think I ever really realized or came to terms with how

> much

> > it hurt me because I didn't think it should hurt me--if you know

> what

> > I mean. Also, what disturbs me now is that I can see that it's

> > affected me (the hypervigilance, the phobias, the sleeplessness etc)

> > but I feel just numb about all of it. In fact, I feel almost like

> I'm

> > making it up or something--I mean, here I am calmly typing away. .

> > .Weird.

> >

> > I think I have 2 options: dig up all this stuff and try to face it

> > again or just keep pretending it didn't really hurt me. A year ago,

> > the sleeplessness, fear, jumpiness and physical pain was enought to

> > get me to therapy. But now. . .I'm not sure the physical pain

> > outweighs the pain of going back--if you know what I mean. And I was

> > kind of under the impression that I was done with all of this. . .so

> > I'm not excited about dealing with it again. How have you all

> chosen

> > to deal with this kind of thing?

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Flea, it's sad that no one could help your younger brother, but it

wasn't your job to do that. I think that's part of what sucks so

much; we are powerless to help the people that are still in their

clutches. When you were 13 getting yourself out was the best you

could do. It is sad for your brother, but not your fault. I have

felt similar guilt about my brother too, although I didn't leave the

house. I just suddenly started to get good grades and be as perfect

as possible. Because he had a learning disability that was worse than

mine, he was unable to do that and things pretty much went downhill

from there for him, but uphill for me because my nada was off my back.

The real problem is that even adults in society are limited in the

help they can provide for children living like that. For instance, I

have a colleague that is a teacher who I, as an adult, am

uncomfortable being around and who has done some inappropriate things

with his students(giving expensive presents to some of the girls,

YUCK). I reported him, and I keep the door to my classroom locked at

all times because he creeps me out, but that is the extent of what I

can legally do. I HATE that he's around kids at all. The school is

getting rid of him at the end of the year, to me it doesn't seem soon

enough. Repeatedly our social systems have put him in a position to

be around kids. I don't understand and I'm disgusted at how little

you can do about it.

I don't think we can blame ourselves for being unable to do as

children what an entire society full of adults cannot do.

Trish

>

> Hi, Trish,

>

> Well, before I left the house (at age 13) I was more split black

and he was more the " loved " one. After I left, they needed someone to

pick on, and he got more split black then.

>

> My nada did set up this huge ongoing conflict rivalry between us.

I remember sensing she was doing it and wondering why. Then she would

complain to everyone about how long-suffering she was--poor waif--cuz

her kids " hated each other " ... I used to tell her, " I don't hate HIM,

I hate what you let him do. "

>

> Even when he was a toddler, nada would encourage him (with her

laughing, etc) to go into my room and destroy things--like rip up my

posters, scribble in my books, eat my stash of Halloween candy, etc.

And when I was upset--about him being allowed in my room, and

destroying my things, and nada letting him and laughing about it-- she

would get furious with ME, like I was the biggest b**** in the world,

and HURRUMPH out of the room, with a comment like, " Come on, A. Your

sister doesn't WANT YOU IN HERE!!! SHE HATES YOU. " And we went back

and forth SO many times, with me saying " I don't hate HIM, just keep

him out of my stuff ok? "

>

> But you know how nadas are. Can't win.

>

> Anyway, she programmed him to believe I hated him, and it's no

surprise that he ended up hating me---especially when I left home and

suddenly he was the " bad " kid, the scapegoat. I left and he

suffered--I didn't plan it that way, obviously, but I feel bad about it.

>

> And another thing I feel guilty about, is I left home in order to

save myself, not realizing that he would be their next victim, AND I

was no longer there to be a buffer for him, when they would fight

etc. They would have some pretty scary violent fights, and he was

just a little kid and when I was still home, I would comfort him and

try to distract him. And I left him in their clutches--not really

considering what it might be for him. :-(.

>

> Anyway, all things considered--his temperament, his environment,

his programming, and the particular circumstances, it's not

surprising that he hates me. He's got some kind of serious mental

health problems now. He's mean to everyone, including his wife. He'll

rage at anyone. At one point he wanted me dead, for real (I think). I

didn't want him to have my address/phone (although nada provided--nice!).

>

> This is long and rambling? Where did I start? Oh yeah, the split

good/bad thing.

>

> The randomness is scary--esp when I told him yeah, you can watch

your show. Ai.

>

> Flea

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Yahoo! Mail

> Bring photos to life! New PhotoMail makes sharing a breeze.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Trish,

I know what you mean about dealing w/it all at once or not at all.

After I was working my way through my depression from supressed

memories and working on bp issues, my SIL told me that my response

was typical of KOs in that it has to be one extreme or another and

yet there are no hard and fast rules for getting healthy- better to

do it at a reasonable pace and have healthy expectations of one's

self. When she told me it was okay to not have to have it all done in

one day and w/her expertise in this field, I really have been able to

trust me to deal w/my problems a lot more than I ever have in my

life. I don't find myself seeking perfection and efficiency as much

as proper mental health and being patient w/myself and others that I

love like dh and the kids.

K

> > >

> > > Hi everyone, I could use some help on something that's keeping

me

> > from

> > > sleeping and even sparking some of the old jumpiness and

> > > phobias(always a pleasure). I'm in pretty good spirits and am

> > taking

> > > it as 2 steps forward ONE step back, but it's a scary to be

> > > backsliding at all because I never want to go back to the way I

felt

> > > before. Also, I'm nervous about making this post--it's kind of

like

> > > admiting it means you can't go back.

> > >

> > > My situation is complicated by the fact that it's not a parent

that

> > > abused me, but my younger brother and it makes me feel like I

> > couldn't

> > > have really been abused. I find myself thinking that I can't

blame

> > > him because he was a child, that he couldn't possibly have had

this

> > > much of an effect on me, that I'm exagerating, or that it's my

fault

> > > because I was older and could have done something.

> > >

> > > I think this attitude I have about how this " should " be

affecting me

> > > comes straight from my nada's response to the abuse as we were

> > growing

> > > up. The few times I ran to my nada for protection because I

really

> > > thought my brother wanted to hurt me(ie chasing me with weapon)

> > she'd

> > > say, " well, if you stop running, he won't chase you anymore. "

Also,

> > > my parents saw him attack me and did NOTHING, as if they

thought it

> > > was normal--and I'd get in trouble for fighting back. I'm not

> > talking

> > > about normal sibling fights(I've discussed it with my therapist

who

> > > has assured me it is not normal).

> > >

> > > I just repressed most of the stuff and waited to deal with it

until

> > I

> > > left the house. I spent my freshman year of

college " remembering. "

> > So

> > > I think I've pretty much uncovered everything that's happened,

but I

> > > just don't think I ever really realized or came to terms with

how

> > much

> > > it hurt me because I didn't think it should hurt me--if you

know

> > what

> > > I mean. Also, what disturbs me now is that I can see that it's

> > > affected me (the hypervigilance, the phobias, the sleeplessness

etc)

> > > but I feel just numb about all of it. In fact, I feel almost

like

> > I'm

> > > making it up or something--I mean, here I am calmly typing

away. .

> > > .Weird.

> > >

> > > I think I have 2 options: dig up all this stuff and try to face

it

> > > again or just keep pretending it didn't really hurt me. A year

ago,

> > > the sleeplessness, fear, jumpiness and physical pain was

enought to

> > > get me to therapy. But now. . .I'm not sure the physical pain

> > > outweighs the pain of going back--if you know what I mean. And

I was

> > > kind of under the impression that I was done with all of

this. . .so

> > > I'm not excited about dealing with it again. How have you all

> > chosen

> > > to deal with this kind of thing?

> > >

> > > Trish

> > >

> >

>