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[Guest guest]

Hi everyone...was reading your posts this a.m...about dealing with this disease

alone...I was married twice and for one reason or another they didn't last.  I

then went to work in the wilderness guiding, and found one of the greatest loves

of my life, the wilderness...it really sustained me and my yearning for a

soul-mate, and I just assumed one day she'd come along, I'd know it, and off I'd

go again with my new soul-mate till the end..some came and went, but I was to

damaged or hardened to sustain a relationship, and again for one reason or

another I would retreat to my greatest love at the time the wilderness, becoming

a lone wolf, so to speak.  Didn't really get overly concerned, because I knew

the wilderness would always be there, unchanging, beautiful, and serene.  I

could walk into it, often with tourists, often alone, and feel such a comfort in

the arms of the splendor of it all.  I knew no fear there.  I often went there

like a

wounded animal does, to be alone, to heal.  I never dreamed I'd lose my

greatest love in this way.. Me being taken away from her by this disease; by my

own thoughtless, selfish, and stupid actions through my life.  When I became

sick I knew instantly that life was over for me.  My frequent, long hikes were

gone.  I try to go there mentally and can, but it hurts more than helping.  I

guess I have a little understanding now what it was like for the Native

American.  Being forced from there homelands, but cannot truly empathize,

because I took myself away from that serenity.  My actions.  And my alone.  No

longer to escape into the wilds.  No more soul-mates.  Dave