New to the group

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I just joined the group a short while ago and I can so relate to what

you are saying. I just realised my mom has BPD and at the moment I

am trying to work out how to get boundaries respected as I am not

willing/ready to cut contact with her (have promised to call her

later today - joy!). Can I ask you - do you feel she is respecting

all your boundaries now? How often do you see her?

Part of me still feels so sad about the fact that she has never

been/can never be a " mother " to me. And I think I still have a lot

of anger about that.

My main challenge at the moment is similar to you - trying to " undo "

all the damage that has been done and which effects the ways in which

I interact with other people. I got so many unhealthy messages from

her too. The main problem is that I have such a hard time trusting

other people (according to her so many other people

were " bad " , " unreliable " , " mean " ). I find I have to consciously go

against my instincts every day - which tell me to keep a distance

from other people. It is a great effort but I am trying to trust the

goodness in other people. A bit of a leap of faith really.

But my other concern is whether or not I can truly ever have a

relationship with my mother in which I am not a " victim " again. I

wonder if every interaction with my mother takes me further away from

the " healthy " path. I hope this will not be the case, but I guess

I'll find out soon enough.

So I don't have any advice to give yet I'm afraid - I'm still trying

to figure it all out but it is so amazing to read postings from so

many people who have been through similar experiences. It is so

helpful.

>

> I am 35 years old and new to the group, but I have working on my

> recovery for many years now. I had a successful divorce from my

BPD

> mother almost 15 years ago. I didn't see her for two whole years.

> When I did re-initiate I sent her a written list of what I would

need

> from her in order to feel safe visiting. Mostly my list boiled

down

> to:

> 1. Don't enter the bedroom or bathroom without knocking first

> 2. If I say " no " I want that respected without a guilt trip or

tantrum.

> 3. I have the right to go for a walk alone every day and I want

that

> respected.

>

> It was very hard for her to do that but I could really tell that

she

> was trying.

>

> 15 years later we actually have a decent relationship. I don't

look

> at her like a mother anymore, and I have no motherly expectations

of

> her. I don't share anything deeply personal because she probably

> couldn't handle it. I am however always honest with her about what

I

> think, and feel, and the how the family dysfunction affects me.

She

> seems to almost feel more comfortable with me, than others because

my

> boundaries are very clear and she doesn't have to guess where they

> are. I am one of the only people she knows who " isn't " trying to

fix

> her. I don't feel mad at her anymore either. The only expectation

I

> have of her is that she doesn't hurt me emotionally, physically, or

> spiritually. As long as she can do that for me, I don't care what

> else she does in her life.

>

> I just got " Surviving a Borderline Parent " . Even though I found I

had

> done alot of the work already, this is what I am still struggling

with.

>

> I am living my adult life off of the unhealthy messages from my

> childhood. I am very lonely but I don't every realize it

sometimes.

> I have only 1 real friend. My mother was a very needy person and I

am

> terrified to become like her, because she hurt so many people. I

am

> afraid of engulfing others or being engulfed. One of the messages

I

> learned was that my needs are not ok, but as an adult I don't even

> know what I need. Relating to other people is a very scary thing

for

> me. I think secretely I have to observe their behavior patterns,

> because deep down inside I am afraid of rages, and

unpredictability.

>

> After reading the book, I wrote down all the messages from my

> childhood, and I was shocked to see how they were still negatively

> impacting me today. I feel very empty. I give alot to others but

> don't get much back. I don't feel like others will understand what

I

> have been through, so my relationships end up superficial.

>

> How do I get out of this??

>

> I am glad you are here.

>

> Let me know what you think.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm right here with the both of you.....also new, and dealing with the after

effects of my childhood. I'm trying to do the exercises in the books I'm

reading. I do find that I've contracted my mother's paranoia when it concerns

my hubby leaving to go do things without me, and it usually starts as he's

walking out the door. That's one of the major things in my marriage that I'm

not proud of. My biggest thing is not being okay with myself.....not feeling

deserving of my nice husband, wonderful kids, great household situation. I can

spend money on everyone else, take care of everyone else, but I can't seem to

value myself enough to do those things for me. AND, my mother still has the

ability to make me cry like a baby, even though we're a country apart!!

Sassy

Re: new to the group

Hi ,

I just joined the group a short while ago and I can so relate to what

you are saying. I just realised my mom has BPD and at the moment I

am trying to work out how to get boundaries respected as I am not

willing/ready to cut contact with her (have promised to call her

later today - joy!). Can I ask you - do you feel she is respecting

all your boundaries now? How often do you see her?

Part of me still feels so sad about the fact that she has never

been/can never be a " mother " to me. And I think I still have a lot

of anger about that.

My main challenge at the moment is similar to you - trying to " undo "

all the damage that has been done and which effects the ways in which

I interact with other people. I got so many unhealthy messages from

her too. The main problem is that I have such a hard time trusting

other people (according to her so many other people

were " bad " , " unreliable " , " mean " ). I find I have to consciously go

against my instincts every day - which tell me to keep a distance

from other people. It is a great effort but I am trying to trust the

goodness in other people. A bit of a leap of faith really.

But my other concern is whether or not I can truly ever have a

relationship with my mother in which I am not a " victim " again. I

wonder if every interaction with my mother takes me further away from

the " healthy " path. I hope this will not be the case, but I guess

I'll find out soon enough.

So I don't have any advice to give yet I'm afraid - I'm still trying

to figure it all out but it is so amazing to read postings from so

many people who have been through similar experiences. It is so

helpful.

>

> I am 35 years old and new to the group, but I have working on my

> recovery for many years now. I had a successful divorce from my

BPD

> mother almost 15 years ago. I didn't see her for two whole years.

> When I did re-initiate I sent her a written list of what I would

need

> from her in order to feel safe visiting. Mostly my list boiled

down

> to:

> 1. Don't enter the bedroom or bathroom without knocking first

> 2. If I say " no " I want that respected without a guilt trip or

tantrum.

> 3. I have the right to go for a walk alone every day and I want

that

> respected.

>

> It was very hard for her to do that but I could really tell that

she

> was trying.

>

> 15 years later we actually have a decent relationship. I don't

look

> at her like a mother anymore, and I have no motherly expectations

of

> her. I don't share anything deeply personal because she probably

> couldn't handle it. I am however always honest with her about what

I

> think, and feel, and the how the family dysfunction affects me.

She

> seems to almost feel more comfortable with me, than others because

my

> boundaries are very clear and she doesn't have to guess where they

> are. I am one of the only people she knows who " isn't " trying to

fix

> her. I don't feel mad at her anymore either. The only expectation

I

> have of her is that she doesn't hurt me emotionally, physically, or

> spiritually. As long as she can do that for me, I don't care what

> else she does in her life.

>

> I just got " Surviving a Borderline Parent " . Even though I found I

had

> done alot of the work already, this is what I am still struggling

with.

>

> I am living my adult life off of the unhealthy messages from my

> childhood. I am very lonely but I don't every realize it

sometimes.

> I have only 1 real friend. My mother was a very needy person and I

am

> terrified to become like her, because she hurt so many people. I

am

> afraid of engulfing others or being engulfed. One of the messages

I

> learned was that my needs are not ok, but as an adult I don't even

> know what I need. Relating to other people is a very scary thing

for

> me. I think secretely I have to observe their behavior patterns,

> because deep down inside I am afraid of rages, and

unpredictability.

>

> After reading the book, I wrote down all the messages from my

> childhood, and I was shocked to see how they were still negatively

> impacting me today. I feel very empty. I give alot to others but

> don't get much back. I don't feel like others will understand what

I

> have been through, so my relationships end up superficial.

>

> How do I get out of this??

>

> I am glad you are here.

>

> Let me know what you think.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Did you experience support as a kid from your nada, compliments that you now

realize were a exagerated, so smart so good looking, and now that you have

become an adult you do not recognize this nada or was she always just awful, for

me its been occuring when I become older especially once I married.

Sassystine75 wrote: I'm right here with the both of

you.....also new, and dealing with the after effects of my childhood. I'm

trying to do the exercises in the books I'm reading. I do find that I've

contracted my mother's paranoia when it concerns my hubby leaving to go do

things without me, and it usually starts as he's walking out the door. That's

one of the major things in my marriage that I'm not proud of. My biggest thing

is not being okay with myself.....not feeling deserving of my nice husband,

wonderful kids, great household situation. I can spend money on everyone else,

take care of everyone else, but I can't seem to value myself enough to do those

things for me. AND, my mother still has the ability to make me cry like a

baby, even though we're a country apart!!

Sassy

Re: new to the group

Hi ,

I just joined the group a short while ago and I can so relate to what

you are saying. I just realised my mom has BPD and at the moment I

am trying to work out how to get boundaries respected as I am not

willing/ready to cut contact with her (have promised to call her

later today - joy!). Can I ask you - do you feel she is respecting

all your boundaries now? How often do you see her?

Part of me still feels so sad about the fact that she has never

been/can never be a " mother " to me. And I think I still have a lot

of anger about that.

My main challenge at the moment is similar to you - trying to " undo "

all the damage that has been done and which effects the ways in which

I interact with other people. I got so many unhealthy messages from

her too. The main problem is that I have such a hard time trusting

other people (according to her so many other people

were " bad " , " unreliable " , " mean " ). I find I have to consciously go

against my instincts every day - which tell me to keep a distance

from other people. It is a great effort but I am trying to trust the

goodness in other people. A bit of a leap of faith really.

But my other concern is whether or not I can truly ever have a

relationship with my mother in which I am not a " victim " again. I

wonder if every interaction with my mother takes me further away from

the " healthy " path. I hope this will not be the case, but I guess

I'll find out soon enough.

So I don't have any advice to give yet I'm afraid - I'm still trying

to figure it all out but it is so amazing to read postings from so

many people who have been through similar experiences. It is so

helpful.

>

> I am 35 years old and new to the group, but I have working on my

> recovery for many years now. I had a successful divorce from my

BPD

> mother almost 15 years ago. I didn't see her for two whole years.

> When I did re-initiate I sent her a written list of what I would

need

> from her in order to feel safe visiting. Mostly my list boiled

down

> to:

> 1. Don't enter the bedroom or bathroom without knocking first

> 2. If I say " no " I want that respected without a guilt trip or

tantrum.

> 3. I have the right to go for a walk alone every day and I want

that

> respected.

>

> It was very hard for her to do that but I could really tell that

she

> was trying.

>

> 15 years later we actually have a decent relationship. I don't

look

> at her like a mother anymore, and I have no motherly expectations

of

> her. I don't share anything deeply personal because she probably

> couldn't handle it. I am however always honest with her about what

I

> think, and feel, and the how the family dysfunction affects me.

She

> seems to almost feel more comfortable with me, than others because

my

> boundaries are very clear and she doesn't have to guess where they

> are. I am one of the only people she knows who " isn't " trying to

fix

> her. I don't feel mad at her anymore either. The only expectation

I

> have of her is that she doesn't hurt me emotionally, physically, or

> spiritually. As long as she can do that for me, I don't care what

> else she does in her life.

>

> I just got " Surviving a Borderline Parent " . Even though I found I

had

> done alot of the work already, this is what I am still struggling

with.

>

> I am living my adult life off of the unhealthy messages from my

> childhood. I am very lonely but I don't every realize it

sometimes.

> I have only 1 real friend. My mother was a very needy person and I

am

> terrified to become like her, because she hurt so many people. I

am

> afraid of engulfing others or being engulfed. One of the messages

I

> learned was that my needs are not ok, but as an adult I don't even

> know what I need. Relating to other people is a very scary thing

for

> me. I think secretely I have to observe their behavior patterns,

> because deep down inside I am afraid of rages, and

unpredictability.

>

> After reading the book, I wrote down all the messages from my

> childhood, and I was shocked to see how they were still negatively

> impacting me today. I feel very empty. I give alot to others but

> don't get much back. I don't feel like others will understand what

I

> have been through, so my relationships end up superficial.

>

> How do I get out of this??

>

> I am glad you are here.

>

> Let me know what you think.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Bea, if Dave has already had that much fluid removed, he is most definitely in

Stage 4, or End Stage Liver Disease.  Grade has more to do with how much of the

liver is actually affected.  Again, with Dave having already had acites and a

paracentesis, this is sort of a mute point for you.  I am at Grade 2, Stage 4,

meaning basically over 1/2 half of my liver already has fibrosis and bridging

cirrhosis.  Once the fibrosis actually starts bridging, you move into active

cirrhosis, or Stage 4 liver disease.  At least that is the way I understood what

I was told.

Dave now has what is know as 'decompensated cirrhosis', which simply means that

he has developed a complication that needs medical intervention in and of

itself.  Decompensating events would include the development of varices

(varicose veins of the esophegus, abdomen or other areas), acites (retention of

fluid in the abdominal cavity), encephalopathy (mental confusion and/or

disorientation caused by the retention of too much ammonia due to the diseased

liver's inability to remove it from your blood), or a myriad of other things. 

The possible complications are numerous.

Has his doctor discussed referral to a transplant team for evaluation?  If not,

I most definitely would bring that up, IF that is something Dave wants to

consider.  Not everyone will want to consider a transplant, my husband did not. 

It is defintely something the two of you need to discuss and, if he is

interested, should be discussed with his doctor ASAP.

Hang in there Bea, I know the road you are walking and I know the pain you are

suffering.  I will answer any question I can and I'm know there are others here

who can answer what I cannot.  We are here for you and Dave and will be here for

as long as you need us.  Please know I am praying for you and for Dave and for

all the decisions you must make.  It is not an easy thing to do but I know you

can do it.  My prayers are with you.

 

Warm Hugs...........

 

Di

http://auntdisexperimentallife.blogspot.com/

________________________________

To: livercirrhosissupport

Sent: Monday, September 14, 2009 6:26:59 PM

Subject: Re: New to the group

 

Diane:

My Husband Dave was diagnosed recently at Emory. At the time a biopsy couldn't

be done. My Question is, without a biopsy can you determine what stage cirrhosis

your in and how and what is Grade.. The First time i heard about Grade.. Dave

did have a sonogram and 5 1/2 liters of fluid off his abdomen.

Please Help me understand, still new at this..

God Bless,

Bea

____________ _________ _________ __

From: diane chandler <dianechandler@ att.net>

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Sent: Monday, September 14, 2009 6:08:08 PM

Subject: Re: New to the group

Hi Becky, I am Diane from TN. I am 51 and have recently been diagnosed with

Grade 2, Stage 4 cirrhosis. My doctor tells me that, if I take care of myself, I

can reasonably expect about another 2 years before decompenstaing complications

occur. I do already have protal hypertension with an enlarged spleen and liver.

Also, my husband of 33+ years died on Jan. 26 of this year of cirrhosis. He was

54. Both of us got cirrchosis due to NASH and metabolic syndrome. My husband

also had a genetic pre-disposition to liver disease that we never knew about

until he already had decompensated cirrhosis.

What your father is experiencing right now is all too familiar to me. Terry, my

late husband, started to urinate and soil himself without seemingly being aware

of it about 3-4 months before he passed away. Actually, it was so much better

when he was not aware of it because when he was, he was so totally humiliated

that it broke my heart!

Welcome to our group. We are a very close knit group who seem more like a big

extended family. Ask any question you may have and I'm pretty sure someone will

be able to answer you! I am praying for your Dad and for you.

Warm Hugs........ ...

Di

http://auntdisexper imentallife. blogspot. com/

____________ _________ _________ __

From: Becky <becky1974a@ lazernet wireless. net>

To: livercirrhosissuppo rtyahoogroups (DOT) com

Sent: Monday, September 14, 2009 2:12:34 PM

Subject: New to the group

Hello everyone. My name is Becky. My 63 y.o. Father has cirrhosis of the

liver (NASH). Nearly 5 years ago, my dad went in to have his gall bladder

removed. When the surgeon came out to let us know how the surgery went, he

said all went well, BUT....that was when he told us that while inside, they

got a gander at the liver and noticed that he had cirrhosis. Fast forward 2

years later....I call my dad one day because he normally had called me by

then. When he answered I noticed that he didn't sound right. At first asked

if he was sick (like a cold or something). He said no, however after talking

a bit he told me he fell several times the night before and didn't know why

and that the last time he could not get up and laid in the floor the rest of

the night until he was finally able to crawl to the chair. I noticed while

talking that he seemed a little off in the head...in other words it was like

he didn't comprehend things very well. In a week and a half we took him to

the VA ER 3 times because he just got released with NO TESTS the first time.

...I mean, he's diabetic and they didn't even check his blood sugar. The

second time he went because he was the point that the pain in his back was

so bad that he was having to use a walker and even still had difficulty

walking AND the confusion was even worse. Again, they just let him go. After

the first visit I brought him home to our house to help me. Ok...the third

visit was because he had got really bad mentally and physically and I also

noticed that his urine was REAL dark orange...so much so you could barely

see through it. I told them that I thought he may have an UTI but they said

they didn't think so....didn't do any test to even see. They put him in the

hospital ONLY because I told them that I refused to take him back home until

they find out what was going on. Well, they kept him...one night and didn't

do anything. By that point he was so bad and because he is a big guy, I

couldn't physically help him (I have a disabled daughter and that's

physically difficult all by itself), anyway, so we got him into an area

nursing home.

During the next couple of weeks he began to see things that weren't really

there. He went to the ER at a regular hospital. He was there for nearly a

month and they ran all sorts of tests. It was then that we learned of

elevated ammonia levels and encephalopathy (sp?). ALSO, he indeed had an UTI

and because it went so long without treatment it had turned septic (sp?). We

really thought we were going to lose him during that time. While at the

nursing home, my dad was in and out of the hospital almost every week for

one thing or another and after nearly 6 months and having a really bad run

in with the nurse on duty that day refusing to send him to the ER (he was in

BAD shape), I finally called the ambulance myself and while he was in the

hospital I got him in another nursing home. That's where he's been for 2

years now. They got him lined out really good and except for an occasional

flare up with his ammonia levels, he has been pretty with it! His back

however would prove to be a big problem and be what has kept him in the

nursing home all this time. Because he still had bills that needed to be

paid, he needed some help with paying for the nursing home and his medicare

and state insurance would not pay after so long. SO, as much as we hated to

go back to the VA we did in order for him to be able to get the nursing home

paid for through them. Although they have gotten better in a few ways they

still drag feet (in regards to his back problem).

Anyway, things seem to be taking a turn for the worse. For the last several

months dad's either been very confused or his attitude has been off. As a

matter of fact he's in the hospital right now because he's got so confused

and is wetting and soiling on himself and seems to not even realize it. He's

also had problems with his protein level getting low also. I'd like to hear

about other peoples experience with it either personally or through a loved

one. Actually, I don't love the fact that anyone has to actually be living

this experience but given the reality of things...I'm sure you understand.

Becky

Illinois

[Guest guest]

I was asked if a biospy had been done on my dad when they noticed he had

cirrhosis during a gall bladder surgery...the answer is no.

Becky

[Guest guest]

Hello my name is ~

My sister was recently diagnosed with Stills. We don't understand this

disease and how it came out of the blue. She was recently in the

hospital, and that is how we found out she had this. We would like to

find out more about this. She has almost all of the symptoms that go

with this disease. She is 28 yr old. She has fever, enlarged spleen and

liver, rash, her whole body aches, I think her wrists hurt the most. She

can barely do her day to day activities. Like laundry, dishes, walk,

move...ect... Her current medications are Vicodin, methotrexate (sp) and

a new drug that is in clinical trials (not sure what the name is). Her

doctor told her to try this for 5-6 wks to see if she goes into

remission. She is supposed to go back into her doctor in month, unless

she feels worse. The doctor also took her off work for the time being.

Does anyone out there get social security for this disease, because like

I said she is so bad right now she can't do hardly anything. I know her

boyfriend is helping her even bath. If there is any information that you

all could give me that would be great. Thank you!~

~~