Re: Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??

June 15, 2010

Being a blood relative does not mean family. Perhaps it is time for you to divorce them and free yourself of guilt and pain. You owe them nothing; you did no ask to be born into an ongoingly abusive home. No person deserves that.

Maybe it's time for you to let your "parents" go and parent yourself. Only then may you truly find it possible to forgive.

I, too, had abusive (neglectful) parents but I was spared the pain of them raising me. At the time, it felt like (and was)abandonment but, looking back, I see that I was lucky to be removed from their home. I always idealized them, missed them, and never grew to resent them. What I had to learn to do was to get angry at them instead of blaming myself for the breakup of our family.

So each situation is differerent, and each situation calls for different ways to maintain one's sanity. I have come to a place of peace with my parents, who are now dead, but your situation may lead you down a different path in order to find peace. If that means removing the cancer from your life, then you have the right to do so. No matter what anyone tells you. Do what is right and good for YOU.

Just some food for thought...

Helena

Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??

>> I also think forgiveness is a very misunderstood concept and is sometimes put on the victim/survivor so then the focus is on them rather than on the person who caused the offence. > > Peace> GeorgiaExactly. I can tell you this Georgia, that my parents have not changed one bit since I left the family home. Its so evident on the telephone when they speak to me. The tone of their voice, their disgust, their condemnation. What am I supposed to do? Say yes to everything and do what they say at the expense of my happiness? They say I should go back to their side and look after them in their old age. Like I will. I couldn't even stand to be with them for 5 minutes. They said they don't want me to serve them, just give them money. I'm already struggling with finances, how am I able to give them money?? Okay then this qualifies me as a bad daughter. Okay tough. I told you they have never changed.I have to admit I can't help but feel that people who tell me to "just forgive my parents" have no idea what its like to be me, and to have gone through all I've gone through. Its just not as simple as Doing forgiveness. I don't really think forgiveness is something you do. I think its something that happens naturally, sometimes perhaps not consciously but you only realise when one day you think about the people you used to hate so much but you are surprised (pleasantly surprised) to find that hatred does not appear anymore even when you think of their face.I just think there's so much misunderstanding in the world.People who don't understand because they've never been through this and also because they don't seem to get that we are all very individualistic in our ways. There is no replica of each of us anywhere on this Earth, we are all unique in our thoughts, feelings, tendencies and life experiences. It may be easier for someone else to forgive someone, but that's because for that particular person, its easy. It doesn't mean that he/she can then transfer their own experiences onto other people's and make some comment like "Hey, all you have to do is forgive. Just forgive and all will be well." To me that just sounds like a lack of basic understanding of the uniqueness of each of us and really, quite flippant.Perhaps I'm unduly influenced by Dorothy Rowe in some way... She speaks of how its actually impossible for anyone to truly understand what someone else is going through, what someone else is feeling, or thinking, or why someone else thinks different. That is because in reality all of us are alone in the way we think and feel and experience life... That is just the way it is. None of us have exact DNAs do we?And I think the hardest part is dealing with the subtle rejection of friends and family when they don't approve of your feelings, especially if they are feelings that are so strong and influenced a huge part of your life.What is happiness? Is happiness also not inclusive of the sense of belonging one feels with the world around them? Or at least the sense of belonging one feels with one's friends and family - i.e. people who matter most in one's life? No man is an island, and human beings are unfortunately social creatures and it is very hard to go against what is expected of you. We need other people's acceptance to a certain degree, or we'll feel isolated, which itself can bring about depression.However, being true to oneself is also central to personal happiness. I think for myself at least, being true to oneself and being accepted by those who matter to me, share first priority as values that matter most to me.The problem arises when you want to be true to yourself, but that doesn't agree with those who matter to you, and then you are stuck.Which part of you should you abandon or repress? What if both parts, if they can be allowed to happen, is the formula that can make you happy and whole?I suspect that true happiness is very elusive.

June 15, 2010

Randy - I know I tend to over simplify ACT but it helps me to get to the part where I can stop thinking about how to do it and just do it. For instance, ACCEPTANCE. To me ACCEPTANCE is "simply" acknowledging an emotion, feeling, sensation or urge aside and then moving ahead with my valued life. I'm not trying to be flip or trite. I've spent hours trying to understand ACCEPTANCE, including leaning into the feelings ... That part is important because without that step it's avoidance. But after I "lean into stuff" I still have to get moving. It seems like the "lean into stuff" step is a necessary, but not sufficient step.I'm an engineer and process improvement fan. I try to reduce problems to their simplest form (yes, to a fault). But ACT is especially appealing to me because it is a process. Taking 's anger, here's how I would put it on an ACT process chart:1. Notice (SELF AS CONTEXT) a feeling, emotion, physical sensation, urge. Am I letting it interfere with living a valued life?If no, keep moving.If yes, stop and "lean into" it and then get busy on living a valued life. There is no step of "ponder it relentlessly."Having said that I must admit that ACT is not easily charted as a process because there are actually six processes concurrently available and ACT works best if I invoke all six. Russ calls this "dancing around the hexaflex" in his book ACT MADE SIMPLE.Yes, I would classify myself as "hyper philanthropic" (one who over uses committed action) rather than fatalistic (one who overuses awareness of the present). made this distinction in a previous thread on relative importance of "committed action towards a valued life.) I believe you recently referred to a comment in the 1999 book about this topic.ACT is all about living a valued life and not so much about pondering the things that get in the way.Regarding forgiveness. Perhaps the person to be forgiven is the person carrying the anger. , can you forgive yourself for carrying all this anger around? Bill> To: ACT_for_the_Public > Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2010 11:37:46 +0000> Subject: Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??> > > > Hi ,> > I'm familiar with feeling great anger towards one's parents - I had> a difficult relationship with my own father over many decades, and> often blamed him when I was younger for having neglected me, etc.> However every family is different, so I can't pretend to know what> you have gone through, nor attempt to give you advice based on the> choices I have made for myself.> > From what you say, it sounds like you are really suffering & that> your life is being affected in lots of ways - by your struggle with> these feelings; by having to defend your stance toward your parents> to others; by having had to cut your siblings out of your life now> as well; and by the sadness you feel. That seems like a lot of> hurt.> > Let me offer a couple of ideas.> > First, I would not use the word "acceptance" to describe your> attitude towards your feelings about your parents. You write that> you don't like the feelings you get when you speak with them,> because these feelings affect you "deeply and negatively." You also> say that such feelings have persisted in your life, despite your> efforts to get rid of them by "practicing acceptance."> > In ACT, acceptance means that we are able to feel our thoughts and> feelings without believing that they control our behavior. We may> not always like them, but we are willing to have them without> either trying to get rid of or justify them. So as I say, right> now, "acceptance" does not seem to be where you're at with with> these difficult feelings you're having. It seems more like you> struggle with them (wish they would go away) at some times and fuse> with them (defend them as 100 percent reality) at others.> > Second, I think it might be useful to look at what is meant in ACT> by "forgiving." I'm not an expert in any way, but I will try and> repeat what I have read & heard.> > In ACT, forgiving is not a feeling, nor does it mean that you are> excusing harmful behaviors by others. Forgiving is more like a> choice you make - choice meaning it is something you do freely, not> something forced upon you. If you choose to forgive, you do it not> for others, but for yourself, so you can get back your life and> your freedom.> > Another way to think of forgiving is as a chosen behavior. You say> that ACT has helped you with panic attacks, so maybe this analogy> will be helpful: Say you want to go out to some public event but> are afraid you will have a panic attack if you do. With ACT, you> can have those fearful thoughts & feelings and still choose your> behavior - that is, you can go to the public event even though> these thoughts and feelings say you can't. Forgiveness may be like> that.> > I hope this is a little helpful. Maybe other folks on the list will> step in & describe more about forgiving from an ACT perspective.> > --Randy> > P.S. I just read the reply by Bre (bahurwood) in this thread. There> is a lot there about forgiveness in action.> > > > > ------------------------------------> > For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.org> > If you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may > unsubscribe by sending an email to > ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links> > <*> To visit your group on the web, go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/> > <*> Your email settings:> Individual Email | Traditional> > <*> To change settings online go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join> (Yahoo! ID required)> > <*> To change settings via email:> ACT_for_the_Public-digest > ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured > > <*>

June 15, 2010

Bill, I appreciate your insight and the wise things you said in your post, except for one thing. Why would it be helpful to to forgive herself for carrying around her anger? It sounds like "blaming the victim" in a way. I am not saying she should continue to carry around this anger if it is getting in the way of her living a valued life, and I agree that the ACT processes could help her to accept and defuse her feelings. I just don't get why she would need to forgive herself when that makes it sound like she has done something wrong.

Appreciate any feedback you might have.

Helena

Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??> > > > Hi ,> > I'm familiar with feeling great anger towards one's parents - I had> a difficult relationship with my own father over many decades, and> often blamed him when I was younger for having neglected me, etc.> However every family is different, so I can't pretend to know what> you have gone through, nor attempt to give you advice based on the> choices I have made for myself.> > From what you say, it sounds like you are really suffering & that> your life is being affected in lots of ways - by your struggle with> these feelings; by having to defend your stance toward your parents> to others; by having had to cut your siblings out of your life now> as well; and by the sadness you feel. That seems like a lot of> hurt.> > Let me offer a couple of ideas.> > First, I would not use the word "acceptance" to describe your> attitude towards your feelings about your parents. You write that> you don't like the feelings you get when you speak with them,> because these feelings affect you "deeply and negatively." You also> say that such feelings have persisted in your life, despite your> efforts to get rid of them by "practicing acceptance."> > In ACT, acceptance means that we are able to feel our thoughts and> feelings without believing that they control our behavior. We may> not always like them, but we are willing to have them without> either trying to get rid of or justify them. So as I say, right> now, "acceptance" does not seem to be where you're at with with> these difficult feelings you're having. It seems more like you> struggle with them (wish they would go away) at some times and fuse> with them (defend them as 100 percent reality) at others.> > Second, I think it might be useful to look at what is meant in ACT> by "forgiving." I'm not an expert in any way, but I will try and> repeat what I have read & heard.> > In ACT, forgiving is not a feeling, nor does it mean that you are> excusing harmful behaviors by others. Forgiving is more like a> choice you make - choice meaning it is something you do freely, not> something forced upon you. If you choose to forgive, you do it not> for others, but for yourself, so you can get back your life and> your freedom.> > Another way to think of forgiving is as a chosen behavior. You say> that ACT has helped you with panic attacks, so maybe this analogy> will be helpful: Say you want to go out to some public event but> are afraid you will have a panic attack if you do. With ACT, you> can have those fearful thoughts & feelings and still choose your> behavior - that is, you can go to the public event even though> these thoughts and feelings say you can't. Forgiveness may be like> that.> > I hope this is a little helpful. Maybe other folks on the list will> step in & describe more about forgiving from an ACT perspective.> > --Randy> > P.S. I just read the reply by Bre (bahurwood) in this thread. There> is a lot there about forgiveness in action.> > > > > ------------------------------------> > For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.org> > If you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may > unsubscribe by sending an email to > ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links> > <*> To visit your group on the web, go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/> > <*> Your email settings:> Individual Email | Traditional> > <*> To change settings online go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join> (Yahoo! ID required)> > <*> To change settings via email:> ACT_for_the_Public-digest > ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured > > <*>

June 15, 2010

You are in a tug of war with your anger and hatred. The harder you pull the harder it pulls. You will not "win" as long as you keep on tugging. Let go of the tug rope and the war is over. "Letting go" means noticing and accepting what is going on in your mind rather than being consumed by it. Many people have as much or more anger and hatred than you do. Some seem to be able to get on with their life; they have let go of the rope. Others are stuck; they keep on tugging. Sounds like you are trying to hard to defuse and accept. Both are light processes for me. If I make them too heavy they are no longer defusion and acceptance. While I was learning ACT my therapist characterized my effort as "brute-force ACT." I over-thought everything. Finally, she got me to understand that you can only spend so much time on the "awareness aspects of ACT." Then you have to get on with living a valued life. When your friends ask about your parents just answer with something like "oh, that was a long time ago." or "they did the nest they could." Come up with a light story about the experience (defusion) rather than the heaviest story you can think of (fusion).There is no cure for the flu. ACT is the aspirin. Unfortunately there is no ACT pill (please no comments about medications!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) ACT works when you practice, practice, practice. If you are new to the site - learning ACT is like learning to play the banjo. All the banjo books in the world will not help if I don't pick it up and start playing (doing the exercises and, most importantly, having a clear picture of your values and taking committed action towards them via measurable/attainable goals.Bill> To: ACT_for_the_Public > Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:01:45 +0000> Subject: Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??> > There are a lot of replies about focusing on ACT techniques and I'm already doing them. There is no doubt in my mind that ACT techniques can lessen the pain of hatred when it occurs, but it can't cure the hatred itself. Its kind of like taking an aspirin for a flu-induced fever, but it doesn't actually cure the flu.> > I was looking for answers how to actually "cure the flu" so to speak, i.e. make my hatred of my parents history, but trying to wish hatred away for good is perhaps an unrealistic wish. Like anxiety it will always have the potential to crop up again. But unlike anxiety, hatred feels ten times worse and although I can use the techniques to relieve it, I can feel that its not gone for good, at the back of my mind, it always threatens to return in future, no matter how many years since I last felt it. My mind is so ingrained with hating them on auto whenever I even just see their face (even if I just think of their face in my mind). I don't think there's been a lot of research done on hatred, yes? Hatred appears to be the opposite of love, and if you can't love you can't hate. If you can't feel emotional, you can't hate. But if I continue to be an emotional being, I will always have the propensity to hate.> > I think cutting ties with family is probably the most important step I've taken in eliminating as many unnecessary hate-inducing contact I can have with them. After all I'm already living thousands of miles away from them, so day-to-day contact doesn't exist unless they turn up on my doorstep one day after coming out of a long-haul plane - which is never gonna happen anyway because who's gonna spend so much money buying a long-haul flight to UK just to piss me off? I know they won't. I can take steps to try and cut out all their contact so that less of those hateful incidents can happen...> > But then everytime someone who doesn't know me well asks about my mum/dad its also a triggering event because then I'd be reminded of their faces and all the feelings of hatred get stirred up again. I can practise ACT yes... and then for a while look a bit like an idiot staring into space unable to speak for a while while I focus on noticing my feelings, which are so strong I can hardly do much else except whilst I'm doing all that mental gymnastics.> > Its a never-ending conundrum and an irony of life.> > > >> > Hi.> > > > > > > > I have a rough time with personal relationships with-in my extended family.> > I was ridiculed and made fun of, shunned because of my birth circumstances> > and my very existence within the family was resented by many. I was raised> > by my grandparents as their own child, but I actually was a granddaughter.> > My mother Kay had me when she was sisteen, this was back in the mid 50's in> > a very conservative back waters town. I was thirteen when the truth was told> > to me and of the many feelings I had, being ashamed was overwhelming and> > shaped my life. Growing up as a teenager I rebelled constantly, eventually> > quite school, ran away, etc:. I am a highly sensitive person I have> > suffered from comments and or actions from family members that have left me> > empty ,sad, destroyed and forever feeling guilty, even if I am not to blame.> > I in turn have further damaged relationships with members by being> > inflexible and angry, acting out on my hurt and rejection.> > > > > > > > My grandmother loved me, I didn't realize how much she protected me from> > other family members until she was gone. Since her death, I am estranged> > from most of my siblings. My grandmother made space for me in the family ,> > and would not tolerate out and out meanness directed at me from others in> > the family. And in turn would plead my case, some viewed this as I was> > spoiled. With her death that protection died. > > > > > > > > I believed that family would stand by you no matter what. I had this> > believe that you would always be forgiven because you are family. I had> > this believe that I would be accepted and liked and welcomed with open arms> > because I was family. I knew that my family was not perfect, but they were> > family who were after all always going to have a special place for me. Love> > me. No not true. Learning to accept the circumstance for what they are,> > was hard. It hurt tremendously, I was very confused as to how I fitted> > into all this, why I had so many conflicting emotions, why I acted so badly.> > > > > > > > > > > > I can, even after all these years - become very fussed with the thoughts and> > feelings I can have about how I think the family should be, how they should> > treat me (past experiences) and I them (judgments). I Believe my story as> > being the absolute truth and justified in being anger and hating. Feed my> > ego. All it has done is caused pain and bitterness for me and others. I> > cannot do anything to change what happened. I have offered apologies which> > are not accepted. This all hurts tremendously. I have learnt to accept the> > thoughts around "family" as just thoughts.(ACT therapy) I have learnt to> > accept the occasional interaction with a family member with a smile and a> > politeness that I would accord any person that I had met. When my buttons> > are being pushed wither by me or them, I have learnt to stay calm, allow and> > expand with the thoughts, and carry on in a way that reflects my value of> > being a kind person.(ACT ) When there is contact because of births,> > graduations, I send a card or an email wishing well. In the case of> > funerals I go and don't stay around after offering condolences. I can> > accept this situation, not liking it, allow the thought to wash over me in> > waves, eventually those thought become less intense and wain. In unexpected> > meetings with relatives I no longer try to avoid them, like at the grocery> > store. I carry on with my values as best I can. It was not easy in the> > beginning , it is not easy at times when I am overcome with sadness, guilt,> > betrayal. It is not easy when I visualize the way it should be, or could> > have been. If, buts' and maybes... wishing and worrying does not change> > the facts. It is what it is. We were born into our families without> > choice, we can choice our friends and we can choose the values that we want> > to reflect as a human being. > > > > > > > > I have found the exercise for the white room helpful - a thought comes in> > one door swings around the room and departs by the other door. I am only> > the observer. I also like to get physical active, as this forces me to> > concentrate on what I am doing, (mindfulness). I get charged with adrenaline> > and need to move(get physical) to displace this energy in a non-self> > destructive means. I will use different combination of> > acceptance/expansion/diffusion exercises. The Mindfulness Acceptance> > Workbook for Anxiety offers many exercises, or any good ACT therapy book> > will contain some exercises to help. This board Is also tremendously> > helpful as there are many people who understand applying ACT and are able to> > express themselves quite articulately with process. > > > > > > > > The Serenity Prayer- somehow seemed ACT appropriate today.> > > > All the best Bre > > > > > > > > > > > > "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the> > courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > From: ACT_for_the_Public > > [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of Mrs Himani Samdhya> > Dumre> > Sent: Monday, June 14, 2010 10:46 PM> > To: ACT_for_the_Public > > Subject: Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of> > hatred towards your parents??> > > > > > > > > > > > Hi , I lurk on this group also.. I am new to ACT and have a therapist> > who is doing ACT with me... we have only just started.. I can relate to your> > troubles with your birth family. I don't exactly feel hatred but more like> > rage and anger at my mother and father.. but more so my mother as she was> > the "well" one and did nothing to change the situation of domestic violence> > I grew up in. I really would rather not see her anymore... My father passed> > away 7 years ago. I don't have contact with my birth sister.. that is a long> > story... Last time I saw my mother we ended up in a horrible argument.. She> > wants a close relationship with my baby daughter but I would rather not have> > her in my life very much at all.. My husband and I were thinking of having> > another child but then my mental health took a turn for the worse after> > seeing my mother and we started questioning the sense of having another> > child.. I have bipolar.> > > > > > > > I am also trying to learn how to unhook and defuse from these awful thoughts> > that bother me in relation to seeing my mother.. I can understand what you> > said about others not understanding why one has made a break from birth> > family.. I got that also from people...which just made me feel guilty.> > > > > > > > I hope I am not going off topic to much I just related so much to what you> > wrote... would be interested to work out how to use ACT on such heavy and> > dark thoughts.> > > > > > > > Peace> > > > Georgia> > > > How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred> > towards your parents??> > > > > > > > > > > > I have been lurking for some time and really find the advice here useful. I> > first encountered the book "Get out of your mind..." after I> > had ended up in A & E twice in March this year due to full-blown panic attacks> > that could not resolve themselves. So I read the book and did the exercises> > faithfully and was astounded at how much it had helped me in overcoming my> > panic attacks and anxiety. I still have some social anxiety lurking around> > and it flares up sometimes although not all the time when I'm out and about.> > At the same time that I was reading that book, I was put on Citalopram but> > couldn't tolerate the side effects so I stopped it myself against the wishes> > of my GP and did not get any more panic attacks which I credit to the help> > the book gave me. > > > > But now that the panic attacks are manageable and almost never flare up, I> > have another problem. Hatred, and specifically hatred towards parents for> > what they've done to me in the past.> > > > My parents were very cruel and unkind to me when I was growing up. They were> > abusive, controlling, authoritarian and cold (never hugged me or kissed me,> > never shared any moments of laughter or happiness with me). I left home as> > soon as I could and have not seen them for over a decade now. We used to> > speak on the phone very occasionally or email once a year. This is because> > we still don't agree on lots of issues concerning the way I live my life.> > Basically I still don't live the way they *wanted* me to and our> > conversations inadvertently end on a sour note and leave me sad and bitter> > for days afterwards.> > > > I don't think of them that much now. I have a family of 3 children whom I> > spend most of my days looking after and love dearly. But whenever I get some> > form of contact from them again, I feel a very deep sense of dread. Its> > almost like I really don't want to keep contact with them anymore because I> > feel like every time they talk to me, it really affects me deeply and> > negatively. I think I still have very strong feelings of hatred for them,> > there is almost no way I can really think of them in any positive light.> > When I think of them, the feeling I get is just a really strong feeling of> > hatred. If I had to draw a picture describing how I feel, it would be like a> > deep black dark hole that sucks all happiness out of me.> > > > But I also sadness as I realise my parents and I will never get along.> > Its sad for me too because I don't have such a relationship with my children> > and I often wonder why they could not even have treated me with half the> > decency I do to my children.> > > > Someone told me that hatred is not good for me (which I agree its true). It> > takes a lot of effort to hate somebody, and it drains a lot out of you. I> > agree with it wholeheartedly, but the feelings are so strong that even when> > I practice acceptance, it never gets rid of them completely. But why does it> > never leave me? I have already built a new life for myself in a land far> > away from my parents' more than a decade ago, married with children and live> > a busy life but I love my children dearly and they fill my life with> > sunshine. I have some problems with my spouse, but not to the point of> > divorce, just quibbling often about trivial things, and this is typical of> > our relationship from the start so nothing really worrying about it.> > > > Its just that I feel frustrated at times when I sense the feelings of hatred> > returning every time I get contact from my family. I really don't wish to> > revisit those horrible days living under my parents' wing again but every> > time the hatred flares up after speaking to them, I am reminded of all those> > terrible incidents in the past. I am so weary of thinking of them. I severed> > ties with my dad and mum last year, but now recently I found myself severing> > ties with my sister and brother as well because they keep echoing the same> > words that my parents would have (though to a lesser extent)... and> > everytime they talk to me in that way I start to hate them too because they> > remind me of my parents so much.> > > > I still don't know if I was right to sever ties with the entire family> > completely now. Certainly I find little acceptance and sympathy amongst> > people if I do choose to divulge to them what I've done. That makes me> > question whether it was the right thing to do. I'm often told by those who> > disagree with what I did, that you can never choose your parents in life,> > and no matter how much they've hurted you, at least they have raised you and> > you should appreciate them for that and that alone. Which makes me feel like> > such an ungrateful person and that I'm such a weakling for not being able to> > keep my feelings of hatred in control.> > > > But can ACT really help in this? And how can it help? I can certainly accept> > my feelings of hatred, I even express it quite frankly sometimes, but it> > seems so unacceptable to many people to hate and especially to hate one's> > parents.> > > > I'm really at a loss how to deal with my feelings of hatred.> > Am I doing the right thing? > > Anybody have any advice for me about this?> > > > TIA> > > >> > > > > ------------------------------------> > For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.org> > If you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may > unsubscribe by sending an email to > ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links> > <*> To visit your group on the web, go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/> > <*> Your email settings:> Individual Email | Traditional> > <*> To change settings online go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join> (Yahoo! ID required)> > <*> To change settings via email:> ACT_for_the_Public-digest > ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured > > <*>

June 15, 2010

Hi Barbara, I read what you wrote... thanks for sharing about these deep issues. It helps me to read about other people's issues.. though I wish everyones home like had been different. I hope some of the ACT ideas people are sharing are helpful to you.. though it sounds like you have reached a better place after 20 years when it comes to the issues of your father.. good you can write without getting teary or full of anger.

Peace

Georgia

Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??

My father was a very mean and nasty person. I was in grad school when he had divorce papers filed on my mom the day she came home from major surgery. She begged and begged him not to leave her (yeah, her self esteem is really that low). My father's idea of divorice was to give my mom all the bills (including the credit cards that he maxed out on his girlfriend) and he would get the house and car and all the stuff. They still lived together for a year after the filing, awaiting a court date. My mom did not have the money to move out. During that year his abuse turned from verbal to physical and sexual. In the end she moved into the local women's shelter. My father made her life a living hell - even after the divorce. He'd call and yell at her. She got 1/2 his Army retirement by federal law and he'd dump it in pennies at the door to her apartment. (It took her over a decade to pay off the lawyer bills since she'd have to fight for things like direct payment instead of pennies.)When I finished grad school and didn't yet have a job I lived with her. I was awaiting an interview call and picked up the phone. It was my father. He came over to my mom's apartment, busted down the door and started choaking me because I'd "sided with" my mom. By chance my brother stopped by - he never just stopped by like that - and pulled my father off me before he killed me. I was 24. So yeah - I can relate. I hated my father for many years. The only time I felt guilty for hating him was when well-meaning therapists, friends and aqaintances told me I needed to "forgive him." When I got married I changed my name and my co-workers were very angry I did that. They shut up when I said, "I'd rather have the name of a man who loves me, than the name of the ()^*$$(* who tried to kill me!"Over the years my hate faded into pity and sorrow. My dad was the way he was because of the childhood he had. While I could understand the source of his disfunction/undiagnoised mental illness, I could never forgive him for trying to kill me or for the living hell he made of my mother's life. I never tried to contact my father. After 20 + years he called me out of the blue. To reconcile? No - he yelled at me and told me he was dying and that I should tell my mother she wasn't going to be able to live off his retirement anymore. As if she lived off $350 a month! My father died a few months later. I did not go to the funeral. I wasn't happy he died. I wasn't sad he died. I'm 47 now and I no longer tear up or make fists while talking or writing about my father. It's taken over 20 years to reach that point.Barbara > But no, for these past 10 or so years since leaving their home, I have always just felt pure hatred and anger at them whenever the hatred is aroused from them making contact with me. > But guilt? No. > I was only wishing the hatred would go away really.

June 16, 2010

Georgia,I think this is a point well taken. I think that you can get fused with the idea that ACT is supposed to allow you to keep encountering pain. I think that one point I have learned is that the pain doesn't make the decisions. I made a conscious choice to cease contact with my father, and he hadn't tried to kill me. However, we had talked, and I had asked him to consider some changes in how we related. He said he was too old to change, and I just had to put up with his behavior.I don't see anything in ACT that tells me I "must" stay in contact with him. There are some potential benefits, but in my opinion they just too many costs and not enough benefits. Honestly, part of accepting my feelings for my father meant that I broke off contact. I stopped trying to pretend they weren't there. I stopped trying to pretend that they were not justified. The

guy is most likely a narcissist by the clinical definition. I can't fix him. I can't make him behave. I don't have to let his bad behavior make me suffer. He has interpreted my actions as an attempt to make him suffer, but I just don't want to suffer. And I don't have to. I go for days, weeks, and occasionally months without thinking of him now. When I do, I do feel some pity for him. I know that there is a biological, physical, psychological, social, or spiritual reason that he is the way he is. He won't seek help. He won't admit he has a problem. I can't help him, but I can help me and my family. So, that was my choice. Now, mostly the problem is defending that choice to others without bashing him (since no one on this list knows him or is likely to meet him, that isn't such an issue. I can be a little more free in what I choose to say.)Subject: Re: Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Wednesday, June 16, 2010, 12:08 AM

Hi Barbara, I read what you wrote... thanks for sharing about these deep issues. It helps me to read about other people's issues.. though I wish everyones home like had been different. I hope some of the ACT ideas people are sharing are helpful to you.. though it sounds like you have reached a better place after 20 years when it comes to the issues of your father.. good you can write without getting teary or full of anger.

Peace

Georgia

[ACT_for_the_ Public] Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??

My father was a very mean and nasty person. I was in grad school when he had divorce papers filed on my mom the day she came home from major surgery. She begged and begged him not to leave her (yeah, her self esteem is really that low). My father's idea of divorice was to give my mom all the bills (including the credit cards that he maxed out on his girlfriend) and he would get the house and car and all the stuff. They still lived together for a year after the filing, awaiting a court date. My mom did not have the money to move out. During that year his abuse turned from verbal to physical and sexual. In the end she moved into the local women's shelter. My father made her life a living hell - even after the divorce. He'd call and yell at her. She got 1/2 his Army retirement by federal law and he'd dump it in pennies at the door to her apartment. (It took her over a decade to pay off the lawyer bills since she'd have to fight for things like direct payment instead of pennies.)When I finished grad school and didn't yet have a job I lived with her. I was awaiting an interview call and picked up the phone. It was my father. He came over to my mom's apartment, busted down the door and started choaking me because I'd "sided with" my mom. By chance my brother stopped by - he never just stopped by like that - and pulled my father off me before he killed me. I was 24. So yeah - I can relate. I hated my father for many years. The only time I felt guilty for hating him was when well-meaning therapists, friends and aqaintances told me I needed to "forgive him." When I got married I changed my name and my co-workers were very angry I did that. They shut up when I said, "I'd rather have the name of a man who loves me, than the name of the ()^*$$(* who tried to kill me!"Over the years my hate faded into pity and sorrow. My dad was the way he was because of the childhood he had. While I could understand the source of his disfunction/ undiagnoised mental illness, I could never forgive him for trying to kill me or for the living hell he made of my mother's life. I never tried to contact my father. After 20 + years he called me out of the blue. To reconcile? No - he yelled at me and told me he was dying and that I should tell my mother she wasn't going to be able to live off his retirement anymore. As if she lived off $350 a month! My father died a few months later. I did not go to the funeral. I wasn't happy he died. I wasn't sad he died. I'm 47 now and I no longer tear up or make fists while talking or writing about my father. It's taken over 20 years to reach that point.Barbara > But no, for these past 10 or so years since leaving their home, I have always just felt pure hatred and anger at them whenever the hatred is aroused from them making contact with me. > But guilt? No. > I was only wishing the hatred would go away really.

June 16, 2010

Excellent VC. So the thoughts/stories about the parents are candidates for defusion. Are the thoughts helpful now towards living a valued life. If yes, buy them. If no, defuse from them using proven ACT techniques. And, of course, accepting (making room for) the feelings and emotions associated with the thoughts rather than struggling with them. It will take a while for the defusion to work as your thinking self is on a roll. Defuse from the unuseful thoughts EVERY TIME the appear.Just trying to close the loop on the ACT processes that might be helpful here.Bill> To: ACT_for_the_Public > Date: Wed, 16 Jun 2010 13:05:34 +0000> Subject: Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??> > Much useful stuff has already been said, but I think the one thing to be remembered is that your parents are no longer the problem, it is the stories you keep telling yourself about them that is the problem...I am sure you feel justified in holding this hatred for them, but unless you are physically in front of them, and they are acting cruel, your hatred is stemming from thought, memory, from a story that you are repeating in your mind...> > Hate is thought based...you truly cannot hate a person, only the story you tell of them...> > So when you are telling yourself, my parents are "cruel, unkind, abusive, controlling, authoritarian", that may have been true while you were under there care, but is it true now, in this moment, or is it a story you are telling of the past that you are reacting to in the present? > > Unfortunately there are no "shouldn'ts" in this world, and no amount of mental resistance is going to change what happened to you as a child...it sounds callous, but it SHOULD have happened because IT DID happen (reality)...thats not to say you agree or condone it, or you would ever treat anyone that way yourself, but not accepting it's reality is obviously futile and is consuming you...> > As Buddha said:> > "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"> > Best,> VC> > > > > >> > I have been lurking for some time and really find the advice here useful. I first encountered the book "Get out of your mind..." after I had ended up in A & E twice in March this year due to full-blown panic attacks that could not resolve themselves. So I read the book and did the exercises faithfully and was astounded at how much it had helped me in overcoming my panic attacks and anxiety. I still have some social anxiety lurking around and it flares up sometimes although not all the time when I'm out and about. At the same time that I was reading that book, I was put on Citalopram but couldn't tolerate the side effects so I stopped it myself against the wishes of my GP and did not get any more panic attacks which I credit to the help the book gave me. > > > > But now that the panic attacks are manageable and almost never flare up, I have another problem. Hatred, and specifically hatred towards parents for what they've done to me in the past.> > > > My parents were very cruel and unkind to me when I was growing up. They were abusive, controlling, authoritarian and cold (never hugged me or kissed me, never shared any moments of laughter or happiness with me). I left home as soon as I could and have not seen them for over a decade now. We used to speak on the phone very occasionally or email once a year. This is because we still don't agree on lots of issues concerning the way I live my life. Basically I still don't live the way they *wanted* me to and our conversations inadvertently end on a sour note and leave me sad and bitter for days afterwards.> > > > I don't think of them that much now. I have a family of 3 children whom I spend most of my days looking after and love dearly. But whenever I get some form of contact from them again, I feel a very deep sense of dread. Its almost like I really don't want to keep contact with them anymore because I feel like every time they talk to me, it really affects me deeply and negatively. I think I still have very strong feelings of hatred for them, there is almost no way I can really think of them in any positive light. When I think of them, the feeling I get is just a really strong feeling of hatred. If I had to draw a picture describing how I feel, it would be like a deep black dark hole that sucks all happiness out of me.> > > > But I also sadness as I realise my parents and I will never get along.> > Its sad for me too because I don't have such a relationship with my children and I often wonder why they could not even have treated me with half the decency I do to my children.> > > > Someone told me that hatred is not good for me (which I agree its true). It takes a lot of effort to hate somebody, and it drains a lot out of you. I agree with it wholeheartedly, but the feelings are so strong that even when I practice acceptance, it never gets rid of them completely. But why does it never leave me? I have already built a new life for myself in a land far away from my parents' more than a decade ago, married with children and live a busy life but I love my children dearly and they fill my life with sunshine. I have some problems with my spouse, but not to the point of divorce, just quibbling often about trivial things, and this is typical of our relationship from the start so nothing really worrying about it.> > > > Its just that I feel frustrated at times when I sense the feelings of hatred returning every time I get contact from my family. I really don't wish to revisit those horrible days living under my parents' wing again but every time the hatred flares up after speaking to them, I am reminded of all those terrible incidents in the past. I am so weary of thinking of them. I severed ties with my dad and mum last year, but now recently I found myself severing ties with my sister and brother as well because they keep echoing the same words that my parents would have (though to a lesser extent)... and everytime they talk to me in that way I start to hate them too because they remind me of my parents so much.> > > > I still don't know if I was right to sever ties with the entire family completely now. Certainly I find little acceptance and sympathy amongst people if I do choose to divulge to them what I've done. That makes me question whether it was the right thing to do. I'm often told by those who disagree with what I did, that you can never choose your parents in life, and no matter how much they've hurted you, at least they have raised you and you should appreciate them for that and that alone. Which makes me feel like such an ungrateful person and that I'm such a weakling for not being able to keep my feelings of hatred in control.> > > > But can ACT really help in this? And how can it help? I can certainly accept my feelings of hatred, I even express it quite frankly sometimes, but it seems so unacceptable to many people to hate and especially to hate one's parents.> > > > I'm really at a loss how to deal with my feelings of hatred.> > Am I doing the right thing? > > Anybody have any advice for me about this?> > > > > > TIA> > > >> > > > > ------------------------------------> > For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.org> > If you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may > unsubscribe by sending an email to > ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links> > <*> To visit your group on the web, go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/> > <*> Your email settings:> Individual Email | Traditional> > <*> To change settings online go to:> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join> (Yahoo! ID required)> > <*> To change settings via email:> ACT_for_the_Public-digest > ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured > > <*>

June 16, 2010

So ........ it is OK to have anger but not to hold onto it. Anger is a normal human emotion that may be appropriate at times. Holding on to it can only hurt you. I can see that clearly.

In 's case (excuse me, , for talking about you in the third person!), I believe she stated that the abuse was ongoing -- not just in the past, but it continues in the present. So that really presents a different twist on the anger; it keeps getting refueled and activated by current events. I can see how that would be exceedingly more difficult to defuse than something that occurred only in the past.

I guess I would try to figure out, if it were me, what the hatred and anger were doing for me in the present. It may be serving a useful, but subtle and counterproductive purpose. For me, I think it would be to mask the pain that is too horrible to face. It may be easier to hate one's parents than to face the fact that they do not care for you or even like you! So that would be the starting point, I think ... to lean into the underlying emotion ... the pain.

Rationally, one could come to accept and defuse the pain and subsequent hatred, since it has absolutely nothing to do with you and your worth as a human being. A child cannot know that her parents' abuse has nothing to do with her, so it is all too easy to carry the belief into adulthood that she is somehow "not good" because her parents didn't care for her or even like her (if your mama don't like you, ain't noboby gonna like you!). But adults can reason through that false belief and come to say: "Tough shit, so I had lousy parents. I'm not going to waste my energy hating them or holding on to the anger." The ACT processes are right there for the practicing. Not easy, but doable.

And, I reiterate from a previous post: You do not have to have a "talking, seeing" relationship with your abusers, blood relatives or not. That is up to you entirely; protecting your sanity is a priority.

Helena

Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??

As Buddha said: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"[unquote]Nice......... ThanksRaja

June 16, 2010

Yes, I think we all wish for unconditional acceptance from our parents. The trick is to not need it, even though we want it!

It doesn't occur to some people that they have the option of not having a relationship with their relatives. However, if that is done without resolving (accepting) the painful, underlying feelings, it simply becomes avoidance; other things will then serve to evoke the pain as the script continues to be played out.

Helena

Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents?? > > Ã‚ > > > > >

As Buddha said: > > "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"[unquote] > > Nice......... > > Thanks > Raja>

June 16, 2010

That is wonderful. But I was just wondering - in my relationship, I value companionship, warmth, intimacy, but my husband is a workaholic. He basically comes in from work each night and zones out in front of the tv and then falls alsleep. I go to bed alone with hardly a word passed between us. I have told him how I feel. He is a good man in many respects, but he frustrates the hell out of me. Now when I do as you say and let go and focus on something else I'm ok - I turn my attention to another value, or try to be warm and responsive to him, even though I get precious little in return - but then the resentment bubbles up again and I think, 'why should it always be me that works on our relationship'. So I am blowing hot and cold with him as my ACT skills fluctuate! So now what? Turn my

attention to another value? Keep banging my head against the brick wall of this relationship? Or leave - which is not really an option - because I could not do that to my daughter - and besides- somewhere deeply buried under heaps of resentment I think there is still some love. I have a birds nest in my head, and I don't know where to invest. Any ideas anyone?

Simone

To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Wed, 16 June, 2010 19:39:34Subject: Re: Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??

Here is a little snippet from a book I am working on (tentatively entitled - the Wisdom to Know the Difference). Lots in there in on anger and resentment. For now, it is also posted in my facebook notes.

http://www.facebook .com/note. php?created & & suggest & note_id=10150195876 400790

Letting go of anger can be approached as a practice. Think of it this way....thoughts and feelings come along. I don't know any way to stop them over the long haul. Like the birds that fly over the place I live. The question is: do I want to put up nesting boxes, feeders, suet blocks, etc? Well, for birds, sure. I like birds and I am an avid backyard bird watcher. It makes sense to invest some time and energy in that. But feelings of anger, jealously, self contempt? I am not going to invest a lot in making them a place to live and feeding them. So the question I have for myself is--how much am I investing in these thoughts and feelings, and, is that what I want to do with my time? If the answer is "too much time" and "no I have other things I

want to use my time and energy on" then I can make a gentle turn back towards what I value. This is not avoidance of anger. It is simply setting it aside in the service of what I value. Think of it like a meditation. As I sit and notice my breath, I may find myself thinking about the tasks of the day. Are the tasks real? Sure. Am I justified in thinking about them? Sure. Is that what I am doing right now? No. I am meditating. Thanks mind, but I am going to visit my breath now I have carved out a little time for breath and I to sit together. You can come along if you like, but that is where I am going.Except in the anger example, I return not to my breath, but instead to my value. My life becomes a meditation. Returning again and again to that which I value. Letting go again and again of that which grabs my attention but is not what I want to invest in this particular day.Will the thoughts and feelings fly over

again (and again, and again, and again, etc)? Sure. And I know that trying to prevent them from flying over just doesn't work. So, I return to what I wish to invest myself in. My value.Now, you might value being right about how wrong someone is. OK. I believe you. Now what?The issue as I am casting it here is less about whether the feeling is good, bad, justified, unjustified, true, not true, etc. Those conversations never get me far and I don't invest much in them. The question is where will I invest myself? What do I want on my tombstone?He justified his anger?He was right about how wrong they were?These things may well be true, but there are other things that I would prefer to be remembered for, other places I want to invest my time. Life is short and precious. Today's chance to do the next right thing may be my last. How will I spend it in this very moment? And, this moment? And, this

moment?

with my warm regards, from the road,

G. 205 Peabody BuildingPsychology DepartmentUniversity of MississippiOxford, MS 38677ph: fax:

academic homepage:www.olemiss. edu/working/ kwilson/kwilson. htm

also check outwww.onelifellc. comwww.mindfulnessfort wo.comwww.facebook. com/kellygwilsonwww.tastybehavioris m.comwww.abnormalwootwoo t.com

Oooooh! I LOVE it! I WANT it! My soul is scorched!Now I just have to figure out how to release the anger and not get burned.Barbara--- In ACT_for_the_ Public@yahoogrou ps.com, "vcferrara" <> "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"> > Best,> VC>

June 16, 2010

I wonder, as I read what you wrote, if there is a difference between what you and your parents mean when they say, "Buddhist." That word really encompasses so much to anyone with history, just as "Christian" will mean a great many things to someone reared in a Western church. I don't really have a "point" to that observation, other than it was a turning point in my life to realize that what I mean by "Christian" and what other people, including my family or origin, mean by that word are actually pretty different. I am still trying to work out some of the details, since living my beliefs is one of my values. Sometimes, it is almost easier to talk to people of different faith traditions because they do not start with as many preconceived notions about what the vocabulary of my belief mean. I think the hard thing for me is that if I stay away from people

who use those words significantly differently than I do, I can live according to my own conscience pretty well. I just don't always know how to interact with "christians," which is something I'm still working on.Subject: Re: How do you resolve strong feelings of hatred towards your parents??To: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Wednesday, June 16, 2010, 7:17 PM

You know VC, all my East Asian family members are Buddhists, including my dad and mum. But you'd be surprised (or perhaps not) that they believe in Buddha, pray to him for personal gains, etc. but do not really practise everything that Buddha preaches, in fact they don't even read Buddhist scriptural works.

The family home I grew up in was practically covered in Thai Buddhist Buddha statues... It was weird. My dad was such a fanatic. He'd go on "pilgrimages" to Thai temples once a year and donate money to temples and receive blessings from the senior monks. Then he'd go spend his salary on gambling and lottery - he was absolutely money mad. But there is no way he is considered a kind, helpful, generous man in real life. He is cold, calculating, and mean to everyone else, including my mum, but you know my mum is a horrible person too. They remind me of The Twits in Roald Dahl. Ugly, evil, and always trying to trip each other one up. They used to have fist fights amongst themselves. At first it was shocking to me, but as I grew into an older child, I got used to all that and don't even feel sorry for them anymore. I could say the same for all my siblings. This was the environment we grew up in.

Buddhists in the East who pray to Buddha aren't any more enlightened about Buddha's teachings as many of the Christians I encounter in the West who don't really read the Bible much and don't really practise what the Bible preaches.

That same quote you mentioned has often been used more or less by parental authorities on their children, as a way of subduing their children's natural resentment of their parents if their parents didn't treat them well. Funny enough, even my sister had used it on me when I told her I was cutting ties with my parents. But who is she to say? She was always the cowardly one, never daring to venture forth on her own. She says she loves her parents, but at other times, reveals how much she despises them, but at the ripe old age of 22 she still hasn't had a proper job ever and is still making excuses not to support herself.

Once again I fail to understand how to go about "releasing" all this anger and hatred from my life completely.

You could rightly say that in my mind, I still have not fully accepted what has happened to me graciously... I still view it very much as an injustice of life... But then again, I'm not sure if its because I'm atheist or not, but I also think that life is chancey and there's no real meaning behind everything and that things just happen. Also, growing up, I really got into angsty, metal music and still do like the odd tune to this day. I feel alive when I'm angry. I feel energised. It gets things done. I used to score straight A's in school despite my family problems because I actually get so angry at my parents that I channel all that extra energy into studying well.

I'm having quite a difficult time now because I'm having some problems getting my children taken out from school to home-educate them because the school wasn't dealing with their bullying adequately, but the head is trying to give me problems. I have to be prepared to go through with all the legalities they try to throw at me, if they do decide to throw it at me. If I didn't get angry about this, then I wouldn't have had the drive to research all the legal info surrounding this issue, wouldn't have the mental and emotional strength to challenge the authorities about this, etc. etc. Many others would just break down and give in and not fight for what they believe in.

Yes its tricky this.

> >

> > I have been lurking for some time and really find the advice here useful. I first encountered the book "Get out of your mind..." after I had ended up in A & E twice in March this year due to full-blown panic attacks that could not resolve themselves. So I read the book and did the exercises faithfully and was astounded at how much it had helped me in overcoming my panic attacks and anxiety. I still have some social anxiety lurking around and it flares up sometimes although not all the time when I'm out and about. At the same time that I was reading that book, I was put on Citalopram but couldn't tolerate the side effects so I stopped it myself against the wishes of my GP and did not get any more panic attacks which I credit to the help the book gave me.

> >

> > But now that the panic attacks are manageable and almost never flare up, I have another problem. Hatred, and specifically hatred towards parents for what they've done to me in the past.

> >

> > My parents were very cruel and unkind to me when I was growing up. They were abusive, controlling, authoritarian and cold (never hugged me or kissed me, never shared any moments of laughter or happiness with me). I left home as soon as I could and have not seen them for over a decade now. We used to speak on the phone very occasionally or email once a year. This is because we still don't agree on lots of issues concerning the way I live my life. Basically I still don't live the way they *wanted* me to and our conversations inadvertently end on a sour note and leave me sad and bitter for days afterwards.

> >

> > I don't think of them that much now. I have a family of 3 children whom I spend most of my days looking after and love dearly. But whenever I get some form of contact from them again, I feel a very deep sense of dread. Its almost like I really don't want to keep contact with them anymore because I feel like every time they talk to me, it really affects me deeply and negatively. I think I still have very strong feelings of hatred for them, there is almost no way I can really think of them in any positive light. When I think of them, the feeling I get is just a really strong feeling of hatred. If I had to draw a picture describing how I feel, it would be like a deep black dark hole that sucks all happiness out of me.

> >

> > But I also sadness as I realise my parents and I will never get along.

> > Its sad for me too because I don't have such a relationship with my children and I often wonder why they could not even have treated me with half the decency I do to my children.

> >

> > Someone told me that hatred is not good for me (which I agree its true). It takes a lot of effort to hate somebody, and it drains a lot out of you. I agree with it wholeheartedly, but the feelings are so strong that even when I practice acceptance, it never gets rid of them completely. But why does it never leave me? I have already built a new life for myself in a land far away from my parents' more than a decade ago, married with children and live a busy life but I love my children dearly and they fill my life with sunshine. I have some problems with my spouse, but not to the point of divorce, just quibbling often about trivial things, and this is typical of our relationship from the start so nothing really worrying about it.

> >

> > Its just that I feel frustrated at times when I sense the feelings of hatred returning every time I get contact from my family. I really don't wish to revisit those horrible days living under my parents' wing again but every time the hatred flares up after speaking to them, I am reminded of all those terrible incidents in the past. I am so weary of thinking of them. I severed ties with my dad and mum last year, but now recently I found myself severing ties with my sister and brother as well because they keep echoing the same words that my parents would have (though to a lesser extent)... and everytime they talk to me in that way I start to hate them too because they remind me of my parents so much.

> >

> > I still don't know if I was right to sever ties with the entire family completely now. Certainly I find little acceptance and sympathy amongst people if I do choose to divulge to them what I've done. That makes me question whether it was the right thing to do. I'm often told by those who disagree with what I did, that you can never choose your parents in life, and no matter how much they've hurted you, at least they have raised you and you should appreciate them for that and that alone. Which makes me feel like such an ungrateful person and that I'm such a weakling for not being able to keep my feelings of hatred in control.

> >

> > But can ACT really help in this? And how can it help? I can certainly accept my feelings of hatred, I even express it quite frankly sometimes, but it seems so unacceptable to many people to hate and especially to hate one's parents.

> >

> > I'm really at a loss how to deal with my feelings of hatred.

> > Am I doing the right thing?

> > Anybody have any advice for me about this?

> >

> > TIA

> >

>

June 17, 2010

I am a Christian but many other Christians would not like my 'flavour' of Christianity. I have problems with some other denominations

even though they profess to be Christians. The biggest problems occur when we think we agree with someone, for me a pentecostal Chistian would

be expected to have similar views. When I assume agreement I am frequently dismayed to find that there are fundamental differences.

I would not expect much common ground with a Buddist, a sikh or a Hindhu I would approach such a person carefully, delighting in any common ground.

One of my values is having compassion for others, that means not assuming anything negative about them or their supposed views. People in general are

good, friendly, positive but individually many of them upset and annoy me often because they assume things or expect things which are not, to me, rational.

There is great joy in getting to know and respect someone with wildly different views. I stand in Church on a Sunday worshiping the same God as everyone

else in church but we each have a different personal opinion of what God is like, I see that as a great strength.

Respecting others despite their views seems the most compassionate thing to do. There are very few people who really know me well so if someone

dislikes me without knowing me that simply balances those who do like me but still don't know me.