Open Arms or Closed Fists?

[Guest guest]

>

>

>  

> Hi CJ

>

> I see this group as a very safe haven for those who are AS and not a safe

haven at all for the NT partners or spouses.

>

> Someone once said to me that there are 3 sides to the truth, your side, my

side and the truth is usually in the middle.

>

> I think this is probably true and again shows how much misunderstanding there

is between Planet AS and Planet NT

>

> Respectfully

>

> NT

...............

I agree with you once again, .

In general that has been my experience too.

Both sides are hurt and the answer why is probably

found in the middle.

~ KD

> > ________________________________

>

> To: aspires-relationships

> Sent: Thu, April 22, 2010 10:18:42 PM

> Subject: Re: Re: Safe Haven>

>

> Before recommending this group as a " safe haven " , I think it is

> important to give potential members a heads-up as to what they might

> expect as a member.

>

> The tone of the group is not particularly friendly (or informed) with

> respect to AS, and can even be downright hostile to those on the

> spectrum. This hasn't always been the case, yet over the last few years

> the group has morphed in a less constructive direction.

...............

Once again, it is in the eye of the beholder.

as a categorized NT I would agree w/the above statement by swapping out 'AS' and

replacing it with 'NT'

~K D

In general I do not feel that the AS community here tries to understand the NT's

position any better.

.................

>

> Most of the regular participants are carrying around an enormous load of

> baggage with respect to their failing marriages. It is clear that they

> hold AS responsible for stealing their dreams, and rarely mince words as

> to their collective resentments toward their (hopefully) soon-to-be-ex

> AS spouses.

..............

Who are 'regular' participants?

No one here is my spouse so why take any comment I make regarding him or his

behavior personal?

~ K D

..............

>

> Unfortunately, I don't see a lot of personal responsibility with respect

> to understanding and accepting that it truly takes two to make or break

> a marriage. I personally don't find the victim role to be a flattering

> one for adults, so it's hard for me to advocate for these women.

................

That's too bad, because I honestly feel like the reason we are all here is to

get a better understanding of our life situation and see if there are any

solutions. I think the NT women here show tremendous responsibility.

AS meltdowns are discussed here all the time and through these discussions I

have discovered there may actually be a chemical change taking place and that

helps me understand the AS point of view better. The NT women you refer to are

just expressing their frustration and POV. We deserve to vent and voice our

feelings too. There is plenty of criticism in the archives of NT individuals on

the basis that they are NT and not AS. I think the 'victim' role can be equally

assigned to both mind sets here. I have read posts of yours containing

complaints and frustrations about your ex-husband and his lack of understanding

your AS ways.

Not to be disrespectful or discompassionate, but you have stated your marriage

ended in divorce. Many offered you support and understanding including NT.

We all have room for improvement, but we should completely accept ourselves as

well. Aren't we all doing the best we can with the current information we have?

Who here wouldn't offer a helping hand to an elderly lady on the ground? I don't

think any of us would stop to ask if they were NT/AS first.

Everyone deserves a show of support.

~KD

.................

>

> IMO, this is one very unhappy and bitter group of ladies. The mocking

> and cruel way in which they refer to the AS men whom they once claimed

> to love can be absolutely heartbreaking at times. I realize that they

> are all disappointed in the outcome of their marriages and emotionally

> exhausted, yet somehow....

>

> To preserve a cohesive group tone, the moderator team screens each and

> every post before it is allowed to post to the group. Their definition

> of 'support' is very narrowly defined, and any post that even hints at

> criticism or challenge of the group's anti-AS tone will be rejected

> outright.

>

> If this sort of " safe haven " appeals to anyone, I'm sure they can make

> room for new members. I would strongly suggest that anyone who chooses

> to join up take the time to browse the group archives prior to posting

> so that they understand the type of 'support' that is expected of each

> and every member.

>

> Best,

> ~CJ

....................

I read bitterness and unhappiness in both groups.

As a whole I think we can all do better.

New members that find this site are often in crisis.

If we would step back for a moment, what ever there position,

be it AS or NT and let them clear their chest and welcome them

and show them support regardless of our own feelings

I think it would be a lot more productive.

We need to let these people become acclimated first.

It is very challenging to find an AS site. It least it was for me.

I have you to thank, CJ, for directing me to another site that better supports

my situation.

I would never have known about it if it wasn't for you and it has helped me

tremendously. I thank you again.

I still like to come here though and feel I gain something from both.

There are misunderstandings on both sides here and there are different

communication styles.

To me the challenge is not to take or make the comments personal.

Just because you don't like a viewpoint does not mean you don't like the person.

When I am talking about my spouse, I am NOT talking about or complaining about

any one here, so please don't make it about you

(and I don't mean you, CJ). I refer to the collective 'you'.

I am seeking support and trying to understand what might be going on with my

husband's mindset. If someone has some insight or has a found a better way than

I welcome that information.

~ KD

....................

How many here would want to sign up for a spouse that continuously has meltdowns

( being raged at, yelling, profanities) that they were

singularly responsible for resolving because the rager feels lost?

Newsflash: So does the spouse.

How many here would choose to have a chemical reaction take place in their brain

that caused them to have rages?

My guess is there will be no takers in either category.

Unfortunately the reality is these scenarios exist and we can use each others

help in finding compassion and resolution. We need each other.

My apologies for such a long post.

~ K D