Re: Reply to Chloe/being contained in quietitude?

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the kind words, Chloe.

Yes, we were snowed in as well as the power being off. For two days, Ian and I had to settle for candles, windup radio and the gas fire.

He was fine, he was really relaxed, as I used my mobile phone to keep him updated with how the emergency services were doing. He only crumbled when the electricity when on, as it meant he had to check emails, respond to outside influences, and stress himself out about what he had missed.....so that was interesting - without the trappings of modern life, he was quiet and contained.

Any views on that, anyone?

Judy B, still trapped by three feet of snow, but at least the power is on!

Subject: Re: Aspergers and binging behaviours?To: aspires-relationships Date: Saturday, 27 February, 2010, 21:45

Hi Judy,Thanks for your post. I love your posts, they're always honest, down-to-earth and rational. My bf's drinking behaviours sound exactly like your Ian's really. I think he just needs someone to tell him he's had enough. Maybe that will work for the food too.We went out for a couple of drinks the other night, and it *was* just a couple of drinks - he had two beers and a glass of water - and it was his choice to stop drinking. I wouldn't have minded having one more but he had a job interview the next day and said that he was fine with sticking to the two. And it was fine, no big deal, so that's promising!To be honest I think I do worry too much because there's a history of alcoholism in both our families, and I really don't want it repeated.Glad your power's back on. Did you have snow again up there? I haven't really kept my eye on the weather, but I know they had snow in the Midlands, so I'm guessing probably

North too. In the South we've just had lots and lots of rain, typical English weather!Chloe (UK) x

[Guest guest]

Hi Judy,

The simple answer might be to let him know that he can break down the overload into small bits. I have no idea how many or what type of emails he gets but if he gets 30 a day, he may only need to answer the first 5, then a break doing nothing or something he prefers, even if it is just a cup of tea and zoning out infront of the fire.

Overload comes easy when the routine is changed. There was nothing he could do about no electricity but once it came back on, I don't think he could fathom just how he could manage so much and be able to prioritize it all.

I am a major multitasker. If we are out on a mission and I say "We're close to the dry cleaner, I'll just run in and pick up our stuff", panic creeps in. He calls it mission creep as if it is a deliberate plot against him (LOL) but I know it is because it was unexpected and not laid out in the unseen chart in his head.

I do the same thing with my grandsons. I am famous for mission creep so now if they are with me, I go first to the original destination and warn them along the way that I'm adding one thing or another. It has been very successful.......most of the time. (grin)

Lorelie

To: aspires-relationships From: judy.barrow@...Date: Sun, 28 Feb 2010 10:00:42 -0800Subject: Re: Reply to Chloe/being contained in quietitude?

Thanks for the kind words, Chloe.

Yes, we were snowed in as well as the power being off. For two days, Ian and I had to settle for candles, windup radio and the gas fire.

He was fine, he was really relaxed, as I used my mobile phone to keep him updated with how the emergency services were doing. He only crumbled when the electricity when on, as it meant he had to check emails, respond to outside influences, and stress himself out about what he had missed.....so that was interesting - without the trappings of modern life, he was quiet and contained.

Any views on that, anyone?

Judy B, still trapped by three feet of snow, but at least the power is on!

From: chloe_jones_1985 <chloe_jones_1985>Subject: Re: Aspergers and binging behaviours?To: aspires-relationships Date: Saturday, 27 February, 2010, 21:45

Hi Judy,Thanks for your post. I love your posts, they're always honest, down-to-earth and rational. My bf's drinking behaviours sound exactly like your Ian's really. I think he just needs someone to tell him he's had enough. Maybe that will work for the food too.We went out for a couple of drinks the other night, and it *was* just a couple of drinks - he had two beers and a glass of water - and it was his choice to stop drinking. I wouldn't have minded having one more but he had a job interview the next day and said that he was fine with sticking to the two. And it was fine, no big deal, so that's promising!To be honest I think I do worry too much because there's a history of alcoholism in both our families, and I really don't want it repeated.Glad your power's back on. Did you have snow again up there? I haven't really kept my eye on the weather, but I know they had snow in the Midlands, so I'm guessing probably North too. In the South we've just had lots and lots of rain, typical English weather!Chloe (UK) x

Hotmail: Trusted email with Microsoft’s powerful SPAM protection. Sign up now.

[Guest guest]

Hi Lorelei,I am AS, and do that same "mission creep" think- thanks for giving me a name for it. My dad and my oldest brother and my ex all hated change.To: aspires-relationships <aspires-relationships >Sent: Sun, February 28, 2010 1:33:02 PMSubject: RE: Reply to Chloe/being contained in quietitude?

Hi Judy,

The simple answer might be to let him know that he can break down the overload into small bits. I have no idea how many or what type of emails he gets but if he gets 30 a day, he may only need to answer the first 5, then a break doing nothing or something he prefers, even if it is just a cup of tea and zoning out infront of the fire.

Overload comes easy when the routine is changed. There was nothing he could do about no electricity but once it came back on, I don't think he could fathom just how he could manage so much and be able to prioritize it all.

I am a major multitasker. If we are out on a mission and I say "We're close to the dry cleaner, I'll just run in and pick up our stuff", panic creeps in. He calls it mission creep as if it is a deliberate plot against him (LOL) but I know it is because it was unexpected and not laid out in the unseen chart in his head.

I do the same thing with my grandsons. I am famous for mission creep so now if they are with me, I go first to the original destination and warn them along the way that I'm adding one thing or another. It has been very successful.. .....most of the time. (grin)

Lorelie

To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) comFrom: judy.barrow@ btopenworld. comDate: Sun, 28 Feb 2010 10:00:42 -0800Subject: Re: [aspires-relationsh ips] Reply to Chloe/being contained in quietitude?

Thanks for the kind words, Chloe.

Yes, we were snowed in as well as the power being off. For two days, Ian and I had to settle for candles, windup radio and the gas fire.

He was fine, he was really relaxed, as I used my mobile phone to keep him updated with how the emergency services were doing. He only crumbled when the electricity when on, as it meant he had to check emails, respond to outside influences, and stress himself out about what he had missed.....so that was interesting - without the trappings of modern life, he was quiet and contained.

Any views on that, anyone?

Judy B, still trapped by three feet of snow, but at least the power is on!

From: chloe_jones_ 1985 <chloe_jones_ 1985yahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [aspires-relationsh ips] Re: Aspergers and binging behaviours?To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Saturday, 27 February, 2010, 21:45

Hi Judy,Thanks for your post. I love your posts, they're always honest, down-to-earth and rational. My bf's drinking behaviours sound exactly like your Ian's really. I think he just needs someone to tell him he's had enough. Maybe that will work for the food too.We went out for a couple of drinks the other night, and it *was* just a couple of drinks - he had two beers and a glass of water - and it was his choice to stop drinking. I wouldn't have minded having one more but he had a job interview the next day and said that he was fine with sticking to the two. And it was fine, no big deal, so that's promising!To be honest I think I do worry too much because there's a history of alcoholism in both our families, and I really don't want it repeated.Glad your power's back on. Did you have snow again up there? I haven't really kept my eye on the weather, but I know they had snow in the Midlands, so I'm guessing probably

North too. In the South we've just had lots and lots of rain, typical English weather!Chloe (UK) x

Hotmail: Trusted email with Microsoft’s powerful SPAM protection. Sign up now.

[Guest guest]

Spot on, Lorelie! I often, being the main 'doer' of the household by necessity, realise I can get to do this or that because the opportunity suddenly presents itself.

Ian will go nuts, why are you changing the plan, no, I dont want you to go into the theatre box office (which we are just passing) to collect your tickets so you dont have to come back tomorrow. I didnt realise said box office would still be open otherwise I would have planned for this. I try to go and get said tickets and he is adamant that its not right. And then he walks off in a huff!

Yesterday he refused to help my neighbour clear the snow from our path, and wouldnt let me do it either. Its his fear of failure and fear of unexpected events that come to the fore. He cant plan what might happen, even in the theatre (they might not have my tickets, the seats might be wrong, someone might question our right to be there), and for the clearance of the path, he would have to talk to the neighbour, and then show his own prowess at snow clearing. Both actually took place in the end, the tickets were got and the snow cleared, and Ian was charming to both parties involved. I was the only one who got an earful, for putting him into that situation to start with. Yet he always copes in the end, its just the initial unplanned event that throws him off. It doesnt always go this well, though.

I spend a lot of time talking gently to him about what could happen, and asking him to be patient - and thanking him for being so good as to let me pick up the tickets etc. Its no use my pleading or getting angry that its illogical to pass by a place I need to go to, just because I hadnt thought of it two hours before, or that I have to make a major effort to come back. Its because he hasnt planned his coping strategy and it throws his whole thought process out of kilter.

I'll tell him about the mission creep, he will like that!

Judy B,

From: chloe_jones_ 1985 <chloe_jones_ 1985yahoo (DOT) com>Subject: [aspires-relationsh ips] Re: Aspergers and binging behaviours?To: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Saturday, 27 February, 2010, 21:45

Hi Judy,Thanks for your post. I love your posts, they're always honest, down-to-earth and rational. My bf's drinking behaviours sound exactly like your Ian's really. I think he just needs someone to tell him he's had enough. Maybe that will work for the food too.We went out for a couple of drinks the other night, and it *was* just a couple of drinks - he had two beers and a glass of water - and it was his choice to stop drinking. I wouldn't have minded having one more but he had a job interview the next day and said that he was fine with sticking to the two. And it was fine, no big deal, so that's promising!To be honest I think I do worry too much because there's a history of alcoholism in both our families, and I really don't want it repeated.Glad your power's back on. Did you have snow again up there? I haven't really kept my eye on the weather, but I know they had snow in the Midlands, so I'm guessing probably

North too. In the South we've just had lots and lots of rain, typical English weather!Chloe (UK) x

Hotmail: Trusted email with Microsoft’s powerful SPAM protection. Sign up now.