Hello Again...A Proper Introduction

April 20, 2010

Hello all -

I thought it was about time to properly introduce myself. I joined this

list a couple of months ago and did respond to a post or two, but felt odd

about jumping in to participate until I had really introduced myself. And

then life intervened and time slipped away from me. Oh well, better late

than never! :-)

I have been married to my husband for almost 15 years, and we have two

boys, ages 8 and 11. I have always experienced the " something different "

in my relationship with my husband, and there have been some major

challenges along the road. In hindsight, it's so clear that these things

are a result of his AS, but in muddling through it over the years it's been

a struggle. What started to bring things into focus was the fact that I

started to notice very similar traits in my older son - I always jokingly

call him the " genetic slice " , not only for looks, but behavior also. As he

went from daycare into a school setting, we started experiencing many

issues with the school. Thought perhaps it was ADD (which is what I was

thinking might be the issue with hubby), but it didn't seem to fit cleanly.

One day I was searching online and found a description of Asperger's and

the light went on...brightly! While I don't have an official medical

diagnosis for my son, he at last has qualified for services through school

for the last few years and I have been taking him to work with an

Occupational Therapist in a group setting which has been wonderful for him.

It's been a journey, that's for sure.

With the success we've experienced with our son, I've been interested in

how things might change with some additional support for my husband. Since

joining this group, I've been amazed at the number of lightbulbs going off

in my head from all the posts (surprised you all haven't seen it in the

sky!). ;-) I've always felt that normal life was so much more difficult

with my husband, and I could never figure out why. But just the

discussions I've seen already have really helped me understand more what's

going on in his mind - and have given me ideas about better ways to respond

that don't take it down the ugly path that gets us both so frustrated. I

have in the past gone months being so angry with him for things that now I

understand are completely AS-related. We just had a blow-up last night

that could have been so bad, but my response to him was different than it

has been in the past, and he calmed down and we were able to really

communicate about the issue. For that I thank you all!

I'll stop now...but I do look forward to learning more from you all and

adding to the discussions based on my experiences as well. So wonderful to

have a resource like this - I've really felt alone for a long time because

when you start to describe these things to people who aren't in this

situation, they give you this blank stare because it sounds so outlandish

to them. Nice to know it's not just me! :-)

April 20, 2010

Hi

Welcome !!

<<<! While I don't have an official medical<<<diagnosis for my son, he at last has qualified for services through school<<<<for the last few years and I have been taking him to work with an<<<<Occupational Therapist in a group setting which has been wonderful for him.<<<<<It's been a journey, that's for sure.

So glad your son is having success and is getting the services he needs. That is so necessary.<<<<<With the success we've experienced with our son, I've been interested in<<<<<how things might change with some additional support for my husband. \

Since my AS hubby has been on anti-depressent/anti -anxiety meds, our life has improved a great deal.

<<<<< I've really felt alone for a long time because<<<<<<when you start to describe these things to people who aren't in this<<<<<<situation, they give you this blank stare because it sounds so outlandisht<<<<<<<o them. Nice to know it's not just me! :-)

I understand the loneliness , unless someone is living it , they just don't get it. My fave is " He's just being a guy, that's just a guy thing"Cheers

married 40 years to AS hubby who was diagnosed Dec 2009.

April 20, 2010

Hello ! I'm new myself to the list. My name is Crystal and I am in a

serious relationship with a man who has Aspergers. We dated for a few years

when we were teenagers and he was diagnosed about a year after we broke up. In

fact, it seems all of his brothers and his father were diagnosed as well.

Strangely enough, the Aspergers wasn't why we broke up, lol! Anyway, after a

great many years apart we remained friends, but are now in a relationship again

and as in the past just enjoying having each other in our lives.

I've been attempting to catch up by reading previous posts, and joined the

listserve not because of having experienced any problems, but because I figure

you can never have too many resources or too much information! I'm happy to

hear that things seem to be going better with you and your husband's interaction

and that your son is doing so well. Congrats on working through things and

hanging in there and I wish you all the best!

>

> Hello all -

>

> I thought it was about time to properly introduce myself. I joined this

> list a couple of months ago and did respond to a post or two, but felt odd

> about jumping in to participate until I had really introduced myself. And

> then life intervened and time slipped away from me. Oh well, better late

> than never! :-)

>

> I have been married to my husband for almost 15 years, and we have two

> boys, ages 8 and 11. I have always experienced the " something different "

> in my relationship with my husband, and there have been some major

> challenges along the road. In hindsight, it's so clear that these things

> are a result of his AS, but in muddling through it over the years it's been

> a struggle. What started to bring things into focus was the fact that I

> started to notice very similar traits in my older son - I always jokingly

> call him the " genetic slice " , not only for looks, but behavior also. As he

> went from daycare into a school setting, we started experiencing many

> issues with the school. Thought perhaps it was ADD (which is what I was

> thinking might be the issue with hubby), but it didn't seem to fit cleanly.

> One day I was searching online and found a description of Asperger's and

> the light went on...brightly! While I don't have an official medical

> diagnosis for my son, he at last has qualified for services through school

> for the last few years and I have been taking him to work with an

> Occupational Therapist in a group setting which has been wonderful for him.

> It's been a journey, that's for sure.

>

> With the success we've experienced with our son, I've been interested in

> how things might change with some additional support for my husband. Since

> joining this group, I've been amazed at the number of lightbulbs going off

> in my head from all the posts (surprised you all haven't seen it in the

> sky!). ;-) I've always felt that normal life was so much more difficult

> with my husband, and I could never figure out why. But just the

> discussions I've seen already have really helped me understand more what's

> going on in his mind - and have given me ideas about better ways to respond

> that don't take it down the ugly path that gets us both so frustrated. I

> have in the past gone months being so angry with him for things that now I

> understand are completely AS-related. We just had a blow-up last night

> that could have been so bad, but my response to him was different than it

> has been in the past, and he calmed down and we were able to really

> communicate about the issue. For that I thank you all!

>

> I'll stop now...but I do look forward to learning more from you all and

> adding to the discussions based on my experiences as well. So wonderful to

> have a resource like this - I've really felt alone for a long time because

> when you start to describe these things to people who aren't in this

> situation, they give you this blank stare because it sounds so outlandish

> to them. Nice to know it's not just me! :-)

>

April 20, 2010

Welcome to our family,

You mentioned a blow up. These are more frustrating because you cant show anger back, the meltdown is due to a lack of comprehension, or build up of concerns in the mind of the AS person. If you show anger they become even more concerned and its not the same as battling it out with an NT on equal, argumentative terms.

In my experience, this is the hardest, bitterest pill to swallow. I find that by containing my anger and waiting till the meltdown abates, we can talk productively about what happened and why, and work at ways to prevent this in the future.

Do find ways to let out your anger, because it will stay lodged. The usual - find a friend to talk to, (one who understands AS, rather than one who will think your partner is an ogre) or just go out on your own for a while if you can. I get in the car and drive to a river or waterfall, and just sit there for a while.

Use this forum whenever you need to air anything, and if you feel you need help with a particular situation. We dont do miracles here, but we can give clarity and suggestions that can help you. And you know that what you are experiencing may just be normal for a couple of people with your particular neurodiversities!

Good luck and keep in contact with us all

Judy B, Scotland, eating volcanic ash

Subject: Hello Again...A Proper IntroductionTo: aspires-relationships Date: Tuesday, 20 April, 2010, 3:15

Hello all -I thought it was about time to properly introduce myself. I joined thislist a couple of months ago and did respond to a post or two, but felt oddabout jumping in to participate until I had really introduced myself. Andthen life intervened and time slipped away from me. Oh well, better latethan never! :-)I have been married to my husband for almost 15 years, and we have twoboys, ages 8 and 11. I have always experienced the "something different"in my relationship with my husband, and there have been some majorchallenges along the road. In hindsight, it's so clear that these thingsare a result of his AS, but in muddling through it over the years it's beena struggle. What started to bring things into focus was the fact that Istarted to notice very similar traits in my older son - I always jokinglycall him the "genetic slice", not only for looks, but behavior also. As hewent

from daycare into a school setting, we started experiencing manyissues with the school. Thought perhaps it was ADD (which is what I wasthinking might be the issue with hubby), but it didn't seem to fit cleanly.One day I was searching online and found a description of Asperger's andthe light went on...brightly! While I don't have an official medicaldiagnosis for my son, he at last has qualified for services through schoolfor the last few years and I have been taking him to work with anOccupational Therapist in a group setting which has been wonderful for him.It's been a journey, that's for sure.With the success we've experienced with our son, I've been interested inhow things might change with some additional support for my husband. Sincejoining this group, I've been amazed at the number of lightbulbs going offin my head from all the posts (surprised you all haven't seen it in thesky!). ;-) I've

always felt that normal life was so much more difficultwith my husband, and I could never figure out why. But just thediscussions I've seen already have really helped me understand more what'sgoing on in his mind - and have given me ideas about better ways to respondthat don't take it down the ugly path that gets us both so frustrated. Ihave in the past gone months being so angry with him for things that now Iunderstand are completely AS-related. We just had a blow-up last nightthat could have been so bad, but my response to him was different than ithas been in the past, and he calmed down and we were able to reallycommunicate about the issue. For that I thank you all!I'll stop now...but I do look forward to learning more from you all andadding to the discussions based on my experiences as well. So wonderful tohave a resource like this - I've really felt alone for a long time becausewhen you start

to describe these things to people who aren't in thissituation, they give you this blank stare because it sounds so outlandishto them. Nice to know it's not just me! :-)

April 20, 2010

>

> Hello all -

Welcome

~ K D

April 20, 2010

> You mentioned a blow up. These are more frustrating because you cant show

anger back, the meltdown is due to a lack of comprehension, or build up of

concerns in the mind of the AS person. If you show anger they become even more

concerned and its not the same as battling it out with an NT on equal,

argumentative terms.

>

> In my experience, this is the hardest, bitterest pill to swallow. I find that

by containing my anger and waiting till the meltdown abates, we can talk

productively about what happened and why, and work at ways to prevent this in

the future.

I want to hear more about this, Judy, as blow ups are one of our big marriage

problems.

My husband is the one who blows, for several reasons:

- he's working on a project, and the real world repeatedly fails to follow his

logic of what it should do. The Windows operating system is a common source of

these meltdowns

- I asked him for assistance on something, he gives me advice, and I choose not

to take it. [Hold the wood here, while you saw it ... no, don't go get safety

glasses, ... no your fingers aren't too close ... don't you trust me? BLOW]

- He asks me for assistance and I can't give it, or can't assist in the exact

way he needs. [Liz, hold 60 lbs of range hood over your head while balancing on

a too short stepstool. Don't hold it there, you'll smash your fingers. What do

you mean, you can't? I could, if I wasn't working on this side. It's not too

heavy, I was able to lift it into place, you just have to hold it there. Try

harder. I need you to help, why are you failing me? BLOW

Or worse, the one that almost led to divorce: DH was getting over adult chicken

pox, and his mom was flying across the country to a city 50 miles form our house

for cancer treatment. Our son, who was 10 months old and breastfeeding, had a

cold (and was exposed to chicken pox, too young for a vaccine). DH wanted me to

drive 50 miles to the airport, and escort his parents (seasoned world travelers)

to the hospital, and stay with them while they got settled in their hotel. He

couldn't do it because he was still infectious, but BLOW when I said I couldn't

either. I never even got a chance to explain my reasoning (infant who had to

come along, who was also infectious, my shyness and unfamiliarity with the city,

plus my driving anxiety, which DH won't accept anyway).]

I have yet to find a productive way of responding to these meltdowns, especially

when I am the cause. If I say nothing or walk away, I'm unresponsive, or passive

aggressive, or ignoring him. If I argue, it turns into a two way fight.

I do walk away when I'm not the trigger for the meltdown, but when I am, I argue

back. And I give myself permission to get mad ... at least that way he can see

that I have been affected by his anger, and maybe reflect on what went wrong.

After the range hood incident (all the above are real), I got mad, shouted " I'm

not going to help you if all you're going to do is heap abuse on me " , and walked

away. About 15 minutes later (he was still working, screaming profanities) I

took the kids, left my purse and the car at home, and told him we were going for

a walk. We were gone about an hour ... came back to the job completed, and a

much calmer DH, who was a bit worried that we would not be back. He apologized

for his behavior to me, in a counseling session, but never apologized to the

kids (as the therapist asked him to do).

Does anyone have a better way of dealing with meltdowns like these? I hate

getting angry, it's really not my style, but it seems to be the only thing that

works even a little.

Whew! To anyone who reads this far, thanks for putting up with my written

catharsis.

--Liz

------------

The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergersparent.wordpress.com/

SF, science, and Gifted Ed butons, mugs, and other items at

http://www.zazzle.com/CartesianBear*

Higher Quality Adult & kid shirts at http://www.printfection.com/cartesianbear

April 20, 2010

Hi Liz

My answer is going to sound way to simplistic but my hubby's meds have all but vanished meltdowns because he can handle his anxiety better and he has a brighter outlook on life. Once he got his dx , I said that I could not go on taking verbal abuse for the next 40 yrs of marriage and that he had to do something, I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm so glad he got his dx and is on meds. The quality of both our lives now are much improved.

Lowry

www.brendaandwaynefamilypetservices.com

Owner/Head Trainer Dyno Dogs Performing Dog Team

Founder/Owner Kinder Way Canine Studies

Become a Certified Dog Trainer, Behaviour and Aggression Consultant

NEW!!! Become a Certified Dog /Pet Sitter

NEW!!! Become a Professional Dog Groomer

Professional Dog /Pet Sitter

Professional Dog Groomer

ABTA Certified Trainer

Behavior Consultant

Aggression Consultant

C.A.P.P.D.T member

Ontario East Regional Rep C.A.P.P.D.T.

I.P.D.T.A member

CKC member

CKC CGN Certified Evaluator

ABC Mentor Trainer

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tue, April 20, 2010 12:03:03 PMSubject: Re: Hello Again...A Proper Introduction

> You mentioned a blow up. These are more frustrating because you cant show anger back, the meltdown is due to a lack of comprehension, or build up of concerns in the mind of the AS person. If you show anger they become even more concerned and its not the same as battling it out with an NT on equal, argumentative terms.> > In my experience, this is the hardest, bitterest pill to swallow. I find that by containing my anger and waiting till the meltdown abates, we can talk productively about what happened and why, and work at ways to prevent this in the future.I want to hear more about this, Judy, as blow ups are one of our big marriage problems.My husband is the one who blows, for several reasons:- he's working on a project, and the real world repeatedly fails to follow his logic of what it should do. The Windows operating system is a common source of

these meltdowns- I asked him for assistance on something, he gives me advice, and I choose not to take it. [Hold the wood here, while you saw it ... no, don't go get safety glasses, ... no your fingers aren't too close ... don't you trust me? BLOW]- He asks me for assistance and I can't give it, or can't assist in the exact way he needs. [Liz, hold 60 lbs of range hood over your head while balancing on a too short stepstool. Don't hold it there, you'll smash your fingers. What do you mean, you can't? I could, if I wasn't working on this side. It's not too heavy, I was able to lift it into place, you just have to hold it there. Try harder. I need you to help, why are you failing me? BLOWOr worse, the one that almost led to divorce: DH was getting over adult chicken pox, and his mom was flying across the country to a city 50 miles form our house for cancer treatment. Our son, who was 10 months old and breastfeeding, had a cold (and

was exposed to chicken pox, too young for a vaccine). DH wanted me to drive 50 miles to the airport, and escort his parents (seasoned world travelers) to the hospital, and stay with them while they got settled in their hotel. He couldn't do it because he was still infectious, but BLOW when I said I couldn't either. I never even got a chance to explain my reasoning (infant who had to come along, who was also infectious, my shyness and unfamiliarity with the city, plus my driving anxiety, which DH won't accept anyway).]I have yet to find a productive way of responding to these meltdowns, especially when I am the cause. If I say nothing or walk away, I'm unresponsive, or passive aggressive, or ignoring him. If I argue, it turns into a two way fight.I do walk away when I'm not the trigger for the meltdown, but when I am, I argue back. And I give myself permission to get mad ... at least that way he can see that I have been affected by his

anger, and maybe reflect on what went wrong.After the range hood incident (all the above are real), I got mad, shouted "I'm not going to help you if all you're going to do is heap abuse on me", and walked away. About 15 minutes later (he was still working, screaming profanities) I took the kids, left my purse and the car at home, and told him we were going for a walk. We were gone about an hour ... came back to the job completed, and a much calmer DH, who was a bit worried that we would not be back. He apologized for his behavior to me, in a counseling session, but never apologized to the kids (as the therapist asked him to do).Does anyone have a better way of dealing with meltdowns like these? I hate getting angry, it's really not my style, but it seems to be the only thing that works even a little.Whew! To anyone who reads this far, thanks for putting up with my written catharsis.--Liz------------The Aspie

Parent blog: http://aspergerspar ent.wordpress. com/SF, science, and Gifted Ed butons, mugs, and other items at http://www.zazzle. com/CartesianBea r*Higher Quality Adult & kid shirts at http://www.printfec tion.com/ cartesianbear

April 20, 2010

> My answer is going to sound way to simplistic but my hubby's meds have all but

vanished meltdowns because he can handle his anxiety better and he has a

brighter outlook on life. Once he got his dx , I said that I could not go on

taking verbal abuse for the next 40 yrs of marriage and that he had to do

something, I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm so glad he got his dx and is on

meds. The quality of both our lives now are much improved.

, he's actually on meds.

After the chickenpox incident, he was suffering from situation-based clinical

depression, and went on anti-depressants. He's been on them most of the years

since, including during the range hood and saw incidents.

They do help some, but when he's under a lot of other stresses, he is more

likely to blow. And it's often at me ... I know he does it because I'm a " safe "

person to melt down with, but it does not help our marriage.

--Liz

April 20, 2010

Hi Liz

Maybe its time to re visit what meds he's on. There are much newer and better meds out there now, Wayne is on a newer one that is very effective at least in his case. It might be worth investigating and it deals not only with clinical depression but his anxiety level is no longer thru the roof. He can think thru his anxiety now and control it instead of it controlling him.

I really feel for you because I have been thru horrible , emotionally and verbally abusive meltdowns for 40 yrs and yes Wayne was always truly sorry but nothing ever changed because he was not able , now he is able and he is learning and he is starting to ask me why I say certain things so that he can understand better etc. The last 4 months of our marriage have been the best 4 months of our marriage.

hugs

Lowry

www.brendaandwaynefamilypetservices.com

Owner/Head Trainer Dyno Dogs Performing Dog Team

Founder/Owner Kinder Way Canine Studies

Become a Certified Dog Trainer, Behaviour and Aggression Consultant

NEW!!! Become a Certified Dog /Pet Sitter

NEW!!! Become a Professional Dog Groomer

Professional Dog /Pet Sitter

Professional Dog Groomer

ABTA Certified Trainer

Behavior Consultant

Aggression Consultant

C.A.P.P.D.T member

Ontario East Regional Rep C.A.P.P.D.T.

I.P.D.T.A member

CKC member

CKC CGN Certified Evaluator

ABC Mentor Trainer

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tue, April 20, 2010 12:21:27 PMSubject: Re: Hello Again...A Proper Introduction

> My answer is going to sound way to simplistic but my hubby's meds have all but vanished meltdowns because he can handle his anxiety better and he has a brighter outlook on life. Once he got his dx , I said that I could not go on taking verbal abuse for the next 40 yrs of marriage and that he had to do something, I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm so glad he got his dx and is on meds. The quality of both our lives now are much improved., he's actually on meds. After the chickenpox incident, he was suffering from situation-based clinical depression, and went on anti-depressants. He's been on them most of the years since, including during the range hood and saw incidents.They do help some, but when he's under a lot of other stresses, he is more likely to blow. And it's often at me ... I know he does it because I'm a "safe" person to melt down with, but it does not

help our marriage.--Liz

April 20, 2010

Lowry wrote:

<< My answer is going to sound way to simplistic but my hubby's meds

have all but vanished meltdowns because he can handle his anxiety better

and he has a brighter outlook on life. Once he got his dx , I said that

I could not go on taking verbal abuse for the next 40 yrs of marriage

and that he had to do something, I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm so

glad he got his dx and is on meds. The quality of both our lives now are

much improved. >>

I'm with you on this one, . He must find a way to get these

meltdowns under control. AS cannot ever be an excuse for the repeated

verbal abuse of loved ones.

Best,

~CJ

April 20, 2010

> Maybe its time to re visit what meds he's on. There are much newer and better

meds out there now, Wayne is on a newer one that is very effective at least in

his case. It might be worth investigating and it deals not only with clinical

depression but his anxiety level is no longer thru the roof. He can think thru

his anxiety now and control it instead of it controlling him.

>

> I really feel for you because I have been thru horrible , emotionally and

verbally abusive meltdowns for 40 yrs and yes Wayne was always truly sorry but

nothing ever changed because he was not able , now he is able and he is learning

and he is starting to ask me why I say certain things so that he can understand

better etc. The last 4 months of our marriage have been the best 4 months of our

marriage.

Unfortunately, DH has to see the need for changing the meds ... and I'm not sure

he does.

He currently takes the meds due to sleep issues and work stress. Though just in

the past few weeks he's realizing that meltdowns aren't appropriate, in the past

he's felt that getting angry to that extent has been the only way to make me

change my bad behavior. [This is another common thread ... the only way he can

get me to do the " right " thing is to get angry at me.]

There's also some Aspie vs Aspie going on here ... for example, I have poor

voice tone control, but instead of questioning when I sound nasty, he takes

offense and demands I change my voice tone, or else.

--Liz

------------

The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergersparent.wordpress.com/

SF, science, and Gifted Ed butons, mugs, and other items at

http://www.zazzle.com/CartesianBear*

Higher Quality Adult & kid shirts at http://www.printfection.com/cartesianbear

April 20, 2010

Liz Cademy wrote:

>

>> You mentioned a blow up. These are more frustrating because you

>> cant show anger back, the meltdown is due to a lack of

>> comprehension, or build up of concerns in the mind of the AS

>> person. If you show anger they become even more concerned and its

>> not the same as battling it out with an NT on equal, argumentative

>> terms.

[ snip Liz's illustrative story ]

> Does anyone have a better way of dealing with meltdowns like these? I

> hate getting angry, it's really not my style, but it seems to be the

> only thing that works even a little.

Perhaps a longish *inconsolable* crying jag? One completely out of

character?

My wife did that once. Just once. Not so very long after we were married.

*Believe me*, I've _never, ever_ forgotten it! It taught me I could

be cruel in ways that I'd never known, that *I* didn't understand. Ways

that apologies can't fix.

It was a trivial matter, really, and I'd bet others even would agree.

But it wasn't trivial to *her*; a lesson I've remembered for 43 years.

- Bill, dx AS

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

April 20, 2010

> [ snip Liz's illustrative story ]

> > Does anyone have a better way of dealing with meltdowns like these? I

> > hate getting angry, it's really not my style, but it seems to be the

> > only thing that works even a little.

>

> Perhaps a longish *inconsolable* crying jag? One completely out of

> character?

Crying jags are my standard response, and what failed me for years. Now, even in

counseling sessions, when I cry he accuses me of " pulling out the tears for

effect " .

>

> My wife did that once. Just once. Not so very long after we were married.

> *Believe me*, I've _never, ever_ forgotten it! It taught me I could

> be cruel in ways that I'd never known, that *I* didn't understand. Ways

> that apologies can't fix.

This is how anger works for us. I remember the first time I got angry enough at

him to show it ... he was in total shock. But that hasn't been working as well

lately ... and I worry if I walk out of the house that that might set him off

worse. [i had never walked out before ... I fear how he'd react if I actually

walked out and spent the night in hotel. Would he understand he pushed me too

far but we could recover, or would he give up trying entirely?]

--Liz

------------

The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergersparent.wordpress.com/

SF, science, and Gifted Ed butons, mugs, and other items at

http://www.zazzle.com/CartesianBear*

Higher Quality Adult & kid shirts at http://www.printfection.com/cartesianbear

April 21, 2010

Liz wrote :<<<<<This is how anger works for us. I remember the first time I got angry enough at him to show it ... he <<<<<<<was in total shock. But that hasn't been working as well lately ... and I worry if I walk out of the <<<<<<<house that that might set him off worse. [i had never walked out before ... I fear how he'd react <<<<<<<if I actually walked out and spent the night in hotel. Would he understand he pushed me too far <<<<<<<but we could recover, or would he give up trying entirely?]

or would it make him even angrier and cause a huge rift between you and make things even harder ??

hugs

------------The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergerspar ent.wordpress. com/SF, science, and Gifted Ed butons, mugs, and other items at http://www.zazzle. com/CartesianBea r*Higher Quality Adult & kid shirts at http://www.printfec tion.com/ cartesianbear

April 21, 2010

I gave my AS hubby an ultimatum, meds or I would not be able to continue on in the marriage. Thankfully he realized the need to do something and now sees that it has been very helpful for him.

Lowry

www.brendaandwaynefamilypetservices.com

Owner/Head Trainer Dyno Dogs Performing Dog Team

Founder/Owner Kinder Way Canine Studies

Become a Certified Dog Trainer, Behaviour and Aggression Consultant

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To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tue, April 20, 2010 2:36:25 PMSubject: Re: Hello Again...A Proper Introduction

> Maybe its time to re visit what meds he's on. There are much newer and better meds out there now, Wayne is on a newer one that is very effective at least in his case. It might be worth investigating and it deals not only with clinical depression but his anxiety level is no longer thru the roof. He can think thru his anxiety now and control it instead of it controlling him.> > I really feel for you because I have been thru horrible , emotionally and verbally abusive meltdowns for 40 yrs and yes Wayne was always truly sorry but nothing ever changed because he was not able , now he is able and he is learning and he is starting to ask me why I say certain things so that he can understand better etc. The last 4 months of our marriage have been the best 4 months of our marriage.Unfortunately, DH has to see the need for changing the meds ... and I'm not sure he does.

He currently takes the meds due to sleep issues and work stress. Though just in the past few weeks he's realizing that meltdowns aren't appropriate, in the past he's felt that getting angry to that extent has been the only way to make me change my bad behavior. [This is another common thread ... the only way he can get me to do the "right" thing is to get angry at me.]There's also some Aspie vs Aspie going on here ... for example, I have poor voice tone control, but instead of questioning when I sound nasty, he takes offense and demands I change my voice tone, or else.--Liz------------The Aspie Parent blog: http://aspergerspar ent.wordpress. com/SF, science, and Gifted Ed butons, mugs, and other items at http://www.zazzle. com/CartesianBea r*Higher

Quality Adult & kid shirts at http://www.printfec tion.com/ cartesianbear

April 21, 2010

Hi ,

Just wanted to say a quick "welcome", and an "I can relate!" This list was a godsend for me years ago. With all the lightbulb moments, you might have thought there were papparazzi in the house : ).

I tend to say less on the list these days, about my own situation, I think because I feel badly that my particular "mixed marriage" (if it is, such) is not lasting, by my choice, and I guess it makes me feel less qualified to give advice to those who want to make their relationships work. But this list helped me a great deal in the past 5 or 6 years of a 21 year relationship and my personal decision is by no means any indication that mixed relationships can't work. My husband and I still love each other as persons and have a beautiful child, and I think that we will be even closer after we physically separate. And I think that many of the men in my life that I have been most attracted to, because they have been intelligent and unique individuals and "real", have been AS. A close friend, who was a long-ago love and with whom I have stayed good friends for almost three decades, I am quite sure is AS. He is so different from my DH, but has many of the same traits that I was able to identify after the time spent here. So as someone here said recently, it's almost like if you met one person with Aspergers, you met one person wth Aspergers.

Welcome to the list!

Hello Again...A Proper Introduction

Hello all -I thought it was about time to properly introduce myself. I joined thislist a couple of months ago and did respond to a post or two, but felt oddabout jumping in to participate until I had really introduced myself. Andthen life intervened and time slipped away from me. Oh well, better latethan never! :-)I have been married to my husband for almost 15 years, and we have twoboys, ages 8 and 11. I have always experienced the "something different"in my relationship with my husband, and there have been some majorchallenges along the road. In hindsight, it's so clear that these thingsare a result of his AS, but in muddling through it over the years it's beena struggle. What started to bring things into focus was the fact that Istarted to notice very similar traits in my older son - I always jokinglycall him the "genetic slice", not only for looks, but behavior also. As hewent from daycare into a school setting, we started experiencing manyissues with the school. Thought perhaps it was ADD (which is what I wasthinking might be the issue with hubby), but it didn't seem to fit cleanly.One day I was searching online and found a description of Asperger's andthe light went on...brightly! While I don't have an official medicaldiagnosis for my son, he at last has qualified for services through schoolfor the last few years and I have been taking him to work with anOccupational Therapist in a group setting which has been wonderful for him.It's been a journey, that's for sure.With the success we've experienced with our son, I've been interested inhow things might change with some additional support for my husband. Sincejoining this group, I've been amazed at the number of lightbulbs going offin my head from all the posts (surprised you all haven't seen it in thesky!). ;-) I've always felt that normal life was so much more difficultwith my husband, and I could never figure out why. But just thediscussions I've seen already have really helped me understand more what'sgoing on in his mind - and have given me ideas about better ways to respondthat don't take it down the ugly path that gets us both so frustrated. Ihave in the past gone months being so angry with him for things that now Iunderstand are completely AS-related. We just had a blow-up last nightthat could have been so bad, but my response to him was different than ithas been in the past, and he calmed down and we were able to reallycommunicate about the issue. For that I thank you all!I'll stop now...but I do look forward to learning more from you all andadding to the discussions based on my experiences as well. So wonderful tohave a resource like this - I've really felt alone for a long time becausewhen you start to describe these things to people who aren't in thissituation, they give you this blank stare because it sounds so outlandishto them. Nice to know it's not just me! :-)

April 22, 2010

Welcome to the group, . I hope you find what you need in Aspires and that

others will be able to answer your questions and give you guidance.

Thanks,