Re: Not meant to be mocking?

[Guest guest]

I am an NT on this list, and I have to say I have never felt mocked, and no one is laughing at us. NT's are a mystery to the AS folks, and we are a terrifying prospect. Mostly, the AS folks here are trying hard to communicate and they may be insensitive, but as ever, they think they are doing the right thing, or that they are correct in their assumptions, and dont mean any harm.

Many of the Aspies on the list deeply feel that they are being 'got at' or 'probed' as a consequence of their Aspergers, so may not appreciate any genuine hurt at something expressed about AS behaviours. I have had the benefit of many suggestions and comments which I have really needed, to broaden my view from the Asperger side of things. They may react in a high handed manner, and speak out in defence of their syndrome, but after all, its a lifelong condition that can bring utter despair to the person with the AS, and in fairness to them, the haven't always got it so good as the average NT.

An NT on the rampage maybe hard for them to take, and even harder to sympathise with, if they have come across the same difficulties themselves and haven't coped. Mostly on this list its a) the NT's who support the viewpoint of another NT with their own techniques and management experiences of living alongside an Aspie, or the Aspies who have been through the mill and can give their perspective from the other viewpoint, both of which are invaluable.

This list is always productive, although there are times I get the impression, that if the AS people hear yet another example of an Aspie who has been horrible or angry to an NT (and there are many hurts expressed here), it can become a civil war. And there is no sweet pill to swallow to make it all better, only a solution of your own devising. But its a good place to spill all the words that have nowhere else to go. Someone will be listening.

I have found that by asking questions, and posing solutions, I have got practical answers and friendship, I have managed to crack a bit of Aspie code, and undertake to protect myself from becoming too resentful or bitter.

The key for me, is to know and understand that my Aspie partner can be hurtful, insensitive and angry, but that its not my fault. Nor is it his. He has had a lifetime of confusion and social blindness. When he hears me blithely chatting away to people he gets upset because he cant do that. I hold dear my NT skills, and when Ian, like many other Aspies, gets on his high horse so high he has a nose bleed, I let it go over my head and swallow the bitterness, because in fact I have the better deal being a mainly NT oriented world, than he does as a person living with AS.

For in the end, its the AS folks who have the daily struggle, not me, the NT. As an NT I have more job options, more friends, more freedom: emotionally, physically and socially. I love my creative, genius of an AS man, and his behaviours and traits drive me to distraction. In the end, its how you keep yourself happy and safe, and negotiate the life you have together, that makes the difference. As an NT I have choices and I choose to stay with Ian, with our communication set at his level, and my social life set at my level.

Judy B, learning to live with the high minded AS, knowing that NT's hold some of the good cards too.> I feel that NT's on this list are mocked.Really? Certainly not by me, I hope. I'm not any less fond of NTs than I am of AS folks, especially those whose POVs are not very well reasoned.Seriously, why do you feel that NTs (as people) are mocked?Best,~CJ

[Guest guest]



Judy, I agree with most of what you say here, particularly "NT's are a mystery to the AS folks, and we are a terrifying prospect. Mostly, the AS folks here are trying hard to communicate ..." part.

I wanted to comment on something you said further down..."This list is always productive, although there are times I get the impression, that if the AS people hear yet another example of an Aspie who has been horrible or angry to an NT (and there are many hurts expressed here), it can become a civil war."

For my part... it's not that I object to hearing about examples of 'nasty Aspies' (lol). What I object to is HOW it is said. If someone wants to come on and express themselves about their AS spouse, I am totally fine with that. What I am not fine with is when people come on and say "AS people do,are,always,can't [fill in the blank]" It's as if I came on the list and started raging about NT people because my neurotypical husband is a jerk thus I make comments on all NT people as if they are all just like him. A perfect example in my recent post of making statements of what I understand about NT people. Of course not everything I said was strictly accurate because all of any group of people can't be any one certain way. So bottom line for me is keep it specific. If you know an AS person who's a thief talk about that one theif not about AS people having thieving traits... I know I'm preaching to the choir talking to you, but I just watned to clarify what upsets ME about rages against AS.

Jennie AS also does go to bed very early, has difficulty falling asleep/quieting my busy mind

Re: Not meant to be mocking?

I am an NT on this list, and I have to say I have never felt mocked, and no one is laughing at us. NT's are a mystery to the AS folks, and we are a terrifying prospect. Mostly, the AS folks here are trying hard to communicate and they may be insensitive, but as ever, they think they are doing the right thing, or that they are correct in their assumptions, and dont mean any harm.

Many of the Aspies on the list deeply feel that they are being 'got at' or 'probed' as a consequence of their Aspergers, so may not appreciate any genuine hurt at something expressed about AS behaviours. I have had the benefit of many suggestions and comments which I have really needed, to broaden my view from the Asperger side of things. They may react in a high handed manner, and speak out in defence of their syndrome, but after all, its a lifelong condition that can bring utter despair to the person with the AS, and in fairness to them, the haven't always got it so good as the average NT.

An NT on the rampage maybe hard for them to take, and even harder to sympathise with, if they have come across the same difficulties themselves and haven't coped. Mostly on this list its a) the NT's who support the viewpoint of another NT with their own techniques and management experiences of living alongside an Aspie, or the Aspies who have been through the mill and can give their perspective from the other viewpoint, both of which are invaluable.

This list is always productive, although there are times I get the impression, that if the AS people hear yet another example of an Aspie who has been horrible or angry to an NT (and there are many hurts expressed here), it can become a civil war. And there is no sweet pill to swallow to make it all better, only a solution of your own devising. But its a good place to spill all the words that have nowhere else to go. Someone will be listening.

I have found that by asking questions, and posing solutions, I have got practical answers and friendship, I have managed to crack a bit of Aspie code, and undertake to protect myself from becoming too resentful or bitter.

The key for me, is to know and understand that my Aspie partner can be hurtful, insensitive and angry, but that its not my fault. Nor is it his. He has had a lifetime of confusion and social blindness. When he hears me blithely chatting away to people he gets upset because he cant do that. I hold dear my NT skills, and when Ian, like many other Aspies, gets on his high horse so high he has a nose bleed, I let it go over my head and swallow the bitterness, because in fact I have the better deal being a mainly NT oriented world, than he does as a person living with AS.

For in the end, its the AS folks who have the daily struggle, not me, the NT. As an NT I have more job options, more friends, more freedom: emotionally, physically and socially. I love my creative, genius of an AS man, and his behaviours and traits drive me to distraction. In the end, its how you keep yourself happy and safe, and negotiate the life you have together, that makes the difference. As an NT I have choices and I choose to stay with Ian, with our communication set at his level, and my social life set at my level.

Judy B, learning to live with the high minded AS, knowing that NT's hold some of the good cards too.

[Guest guest]

In general the rule of thumb is not

to denigrate the individual but to describe the behaviour and how it makes

you feel. That way it personalises it and keeps away from casting

judgments on an individual or a general category of individual such as

AS or NT or calathumpians if there is such a category

, as moderator you may want to

comment on this. It works in most work places I have been associated

with.

Greg dx AS at 53

[Guest guest]

Reminds me of something my English teacher taught us pertaining to generalities: All generalities are false, including this one! ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerryDate: Sun, 28 Mar 2010 18:08:25 -0700To: <aspires-relationships >Subject: Re: Not meant to be mocking? Judy, I agree with most of what you say here, particularly "NT's are a mystery to the AS folks, and we are a terrifying prospect. Mostly, the AS folks here are trying hard to communicate ..." part. I wanted to comment on something you said further down..."This list is always productive, although there are times I get the impression, that if the AS people hear yet another example of an Aspie who has been horrible or angry to an NT (and there are many hurts expressed here), it can become a civil war." For my part... it's not that I object to hearing about examples of 'nasty Aspies' (lol). What I object to is HOW it is said. If someone wants to come on and express themselves about their AS spouse, I am totally fine with that. What I am not fine with is when people come on and say "AS people do,are,always,can't [fill in the blank]" It's as if I came on the list and started raging about NT people because my neurotypical husband is a jerk thus I make comments on all NT people as if they are all just like him. A perfect example in my recent post of making statements of what I understand about NT people. Of course not everything I said was strictly accurate because all of any group of people can't be any one certain way. So bottom line for me is keep it specific. If you know an AS person who's a thief talk about that one theif not about AS people having thieving traits... I know I'm preaching to the choir talking to you, but I just watned to clarify what upsets ME about rages against AS. Jennie AS also does go to bed very early, has difficulty falling asleep/quieting my busy mind Re: Not meant to be mocking?I am an NT on this list, and I have to say I have never felt mocked, and no one is laughing at us. NT's are a mystery to the AS folks, and we are a terrifying prospect. Mostly, the AS folks here are trying hard to communicate and they may be insensitive, but as ever, they think they are doing the right thing, or that they are correct in their assumptions, and dont mean any harm. Many of the Aspies on the list deeply feel that they are being 'got at' or 'probed' as a consequence of their Aspergers, so may not appreciate any genuine hurt at something expressed about AS behaviours. I have had the benefit of many suggestions and comments which I have really needed, to broaden my view from the Asperger side of things. They may react in a high handed manner, and speak out in defence of their syndrome, but after all, its a lifelong condition that can bring utter despair to the person with the AS, and in fairness to them, the haven't always got it so good as the average NT. An NT on the rampage maybe hard for them to take, and even harder to sympathise with, if they have come across the same difficulties themselves and haven't coped. Mostly on this list its a) the NT's who support the viewpoint of another NT with their own techniques and management experiences of living alongside an Aspie, or the Aspies who have been through the mill and can give their perspective from the other viewpoint, both of which are invaluable. This list is always productive, although there are times I get the impression, that if the AS people hear yet another example of an Aspie who has been horrible or angry to an NT (and there are many hurts expressed here), it can become a civil war. And there is no sweet pill to swallow to make it all better, only a solution of your own devising. But its a good place to spill all the words that have nowhere else to go. Someone will be listening. I have found that by asking questions, and posing solutions, I have got practical answers and friendship, I have managed to crack a bit of Aspie code, and undertake to protect myself from becoming too resentful or bitter. The key for me, is to know and understand that my Aspie partner can be hurtful, insensitive and angry, but that its not my fault. Nor is it his. He has had a lifetime of confusion and social blindness. When he hears me blithely chatting away to people he gets upset because he cant do that. I hold dear my NT skills, and when Ian, like many other Aspies, gets on his high horse so high he has a nose bleed, I let it go over my head and swallow the bitterness, because in fact I have the better deal being a mainly NT oriented world, than he does as a person living with AS. For in the end, its the AS folks who have the daily struggle, not me, the NT. As an NT I have more job options, more friends, more freedom: emotionally, physically and socially. I love my creative, genius of an AS man, and his behaviours and traits drive me to distraction. In the end, its how you keep yourself happy and safe, and negotiate the life you have together, that makes the difference. As an NT I have choices and I choose to stay with Ian, with our communication set at his level, and my social life set at my level. Judy B, learning to live with the high minded AS, knowing that NT's hold some of the good cards too.