RE: : the sudden divorce talk.

[Guest guest]

Subject: RE: : communication with the Aspie

Hello Ron,

I read your response about 3 times and thought to myself, YES! This is

some of the information I needed to know.

**I’m glad to have been of

some use.   I don’t of course claim to be right when I offer some comments on

the List, but I feel that I can give some idea of just the sort of thinking

that goes on inside the Aspie’s mind that causes him to behave in the way

that he does.

You probably read in my other posts, with that illness and long recovery I

had to stay with family for care for quite some time. He came here for

a visit (or so I thought) a couple weeks before Christmas (he didn't like to

be here for the holiday itself, I understand that now too), and the whole

time he was uncomfortable. He would pace, back and forth, was very restless.

In fact it made me nervous. I didn't know what was bothering him and he

wouldn't say. About a month later he called on the phone and blurted

out in the first sentence right after I said hello, that " it's time we

get divorced " . Talk about a shocking moment for me! I knew

things weren't going well, but still, that would catch anyone off

guard. He later told me he had come here before Christmas to tell me

then, but when he saw me, key word being saw, he couldn't do it. I

think you cleared some of my questions up as far as that is concerned

too.

**I’m reminded of a lady I know here who was almost married to

a man who was almost certainly AS.   He was very dependent on her.   It was

interesting (though disturbing) when he went to visit her in hospital, on the

occasion she was diagnosed with a serious disorder that would require a

heavy-going operation leaving her rather helpless for some time.    When he

learnt about her prospects he simply collapsed on the hospital ward floor and

went into a state of hysteria.    She was positively shocked out of her wits,

and came to the conclusion that he was afraid of not having her to look after

him for that time ahead.    My own opinion was that actually he was faced

with the prospect of having to be an intimate help to her during the time.  

He would have to be considerate about her feelings and show some empathy and

concern.   This was simply too much for him, representing as it did a series

of demands on him that he could in no way be prepared for.   In the cases

when my second and third wives were ill, I felt totally incapable and

helpless, and couldn’t conceive of just what I could do or say honestly to

help.

Perhaps your husband felt similarly devoid of caring knowledge

when you were ill, and was frantically desperate to get away, in order not to

be proven to be useless in the circumstances.   That pacing back and forth

certainly suggests to me someone who was panicking.  

I could comment a lot more on what you said, it's been very very helpful, but

it's late here in the states. By the way, I think Australia is a

beautiful country. I hope that someday I have the opportunity to travel

there.

**Marvellous idea.    Come near my part of the woods in ,

and I may have the chance to catch up with you.   But don’t come in bushfire

season!

all the  best,

Ron..

[Guest guest]

Hello Ron,If I remember correctly, when he wasn't pacing when he visited that time regarding divorce, he was rocking, which I had only noticed maybe twice ever, or in constant movement. Clearly he was extremely uncomfortable with the situation. When I was in the hospital, I was horrible ill and on a ventilator. I was unable for several weeks to move any part of my body except for moving my mouth, blinking my eyes and I could barely move my little finger so I couldn't even call a nurse. He was clearly uncomfortable with that too, but then who wouldn't be. He even told me when I asked him once if he still wanted to be married to me, this is while I was in the hospital. He said he wanted to be with me but not at the hospital. This was a very traumatic event for anybody to deal with, I don't care who they

are and some people aren't going to be comfortable with those circumstances no matter what, but if he had added issues beyond that and literally panicked and felt unable to empathize or care for me of course that would make it worse for him. But like I said, this was very traumatic for all involved. I had a very long recovery, years, and had been told by many Doctors since that most people wouldn't have survived, let alone recover. So this has been one roller coaster ride. Thankfully I did recover! But he wasn't happy about that either and he told me that, he wanted out and if I hadn't recovered he would have been out. That was tough for me to hear.. I think the trauma pushed beyond what he could handle, it was almost more than I or my family could handle and I'm still working through the emotional trauma from that event myself. He did tell me after 7 months of being flat on my back not even

walking in the hospital that once I got home he thought that in 2 weeks I could be back to my old self. It took a lot longer than that and I think he gave up when the 2 weeks passed and I had only slightly made progress. For those 2 weeks, he was actually very helpful to me, but after that, nothing. That's why I ended up having to stay with family, because I was unable to even sit up in bed without help and had to have someone with me all the time. I never allowed myself to feel anger toward him, because in my heart I felt like he was doing all that he was capable of and had handled it the best he could. Unfortunately my physical needs at that time were too much and additional help was necessary, in fact my life depended on it. Don't know if this has much to do with AS or not, and it may not really matter, but it's just a little background to show how much we both went through......--- On

Sun, 12/6/09, Ron H. wrote:Subject: RE: : the sudden divorce talk.To: aspires-relationships Date: Sunday, December 6, 2009, 4:04 AM

Subject: RE: : [aspires-relationsh ips] communication with the Aspie

Hello Ron,

I read your response about 3 times and thought to myself, YES! This is

some of the information I needed to know. **I’m glad to have been of

some use. I don’t of course claim to be right when I offer some comments on

the List, but I feel that I can give some idea of just the sort of thinking

that goes on inside the Aspie’s mind that causes him to behave in the way

that he does.

You probably read in my other posts, with that illness and long recovery I

had to stay with family for care for quite some time. He came here for

a visit (or so I thought) a couple weeks before Christmas (he didn't like to

be here for the holiday itself, I understand that now too), and the whole

time he was uncomfortable. He would pace, back and forth, was very restless.

In fact it made me nervous. I didn't know what was bothering him and he

wouldn't say. About a month later he called on the phone and blurted

out in the first sentence right after I said hello, that "it's time we

get divorced". Talk about a shocking moment for me! I knew

things weren't going well, but still, that would catch anyone off

guard. He later told me he had come here before Christmas to tell me

then, but when he saw me, key word being saw, he couldn't do it. I

think you cleared some of my questions up as far as that is concerned

too. **I’m reminded of a lady I know here who was almost married to

a man who was almost certainly AS. He was very dependent on her. It was

interesting (though disturbing) when he went to visit her in hospital, on the

occasion she was diagnosed with a serious disorder that would require a

heavy-going operation leaving her rather helpless for some time. When he

learnt about her prospects he simply collapsed on the hospital ward floor and

went into a state of hysteria. She was positively shocked out of her wits,

and came to the conclusion that he was afraid of not having her to look after

him for that time ahead. My own opinion was that actually he was faced

with the prospect of having to be an intimate help to her during the time.

He would have to be considerate about her feelings and show some empathy and

concern. This was simply too much for him, representing as it did a series

of demands on him that he could in no way be prepared for. In the cases

when my second and third wives were ill, I felt totally incapable and

helpless, and couldn’t conceive of just what I could do or say honestly to

help. Perhaps your husband felt similarly devoid of caring knowledge

when you were ill, and was frantically desperate to get away, in order not to

be proven to be useless in the circumstances. That pacing back and forth

certainly suggests to me someone who was panicking.

I could comment a lot more on what you said, it's been very very helpful, but

it's late here in the states. By the way, I think Australia is a

beautiful country. I hope that someday I have the opportunity to travel

there. **Marvellous idea. Come near my part of the woods in ,

and I may have the chance to catch up with you. But don’t come in bushfire

season!

all the best, Ron..