spirituality as a link?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,I've been reading all of the posts, and keeping quiet, all the time in horror at how much suffering is expressed. I'm so sorry for the pain that many of you experience.  I joined this group to try to get a better understanding on Asperger's.  I'm NT, with an AS partner and have had a longer close relationship to my partner's father, who I believe is also AS.  We train horses (this may actually be relevant, because there is a meditative element to this type of work).  When I came to Spain 8 yrs ago, met these two very special individuals, and learned to train horses with them, my entire life changed...particularly in a perspective sense.  These two people are seen by the outside world as peculiar and kind, but most people that get

close to them, come to view them as thoughtless, and selfish and eventually distance themselves from them with a lot of anger and resentment.  I have watched this dynamic, time and time again, and am able to view the NT position, as well as their position, through their lens.  It seems to me, that emotions can be quite overrated in today's world, and our link to individuals AS or not, has to be of a spiritual kind from both sides. (I can see all kinds of flags flying up now!).  I'm not even sure that I can articulate clearly, this idea, because I can see how it can be misinterpreted on both sides.  I'm not talking about spirituality relating to church, or a god, at all.  I'm talking about developing the capacity to quiet one's mind in a meditative sense, and finding an inner peace, that if sustained, can alleviate many human conflicts, including these terribly painful experiences that I'm reading about on these posts.  It's

believing in an inner spiritual realm, that goes beyond thoughts and emotions, and allows us to live in the moment, be highly aware of our surroundings and enjoy the presence of others, with a sense of wonder and love for the smallest of things.  I don't mean the emotional love between two people, but rather the great sense of connection to all that surrounds us.  I realize it's all very abstract, and sounds flighty, but my sense is that people that hurt others purposely, for their own gain of whatever, exist regardless of whether they are in or out of the spectrum.  I attribute that to an EMOTIONAL problem within that person.  Likewise, the person receiving the abuse and allowing it to continue, may also have a different type of emotional problem.  I do not, in any way, want to depreciate anyone's suffering.  I will try to illustrate my idea with a typical situation.My AS partner is very gentle natured and mostly quiet.

 There are often people that show up to our stables, wanting to volunteer help.  My partner generally accepts the help, assuming that if they offer, it's because, for some reason, they want to do it, for the sake of doing it.  I generally see that the "helper" is looking for something in return.  Many times it's in the hope of getting some other favor in return, other times it's to get recognition and appreciation, because something in their lives is missing and they are emotionally needy of warmth and effection.  I can usually see this right away, but my partner cannot.  As time goes by, the helper begins to have expectations.  My partner does not understand unspoken expectations, and at no point has ever promised these people anything, nor asked them for any help.  Therefore, their expectations are not met, and they become very angry and resentful of my partner and generally leave, blowing smoke out of their ears and speaking terribly about my

partner and how much they feel used by him.  My partner, perplexed and unable to see himself at fault, moves on, being used to people that appear in his life, refer to him as a "friend", and then leave, many times with intent to hurt him in some way.   With many of them, my partner would have complied to a request, had they asked directly for something...but, in general, I find that what they really wanted was emotional, something he does not understand and often doesn't believe in.  After all, he comes to the conclusion that the emotional words expressed by the helpers, before the conflict, must have been false.  If he thanked them for something they may have replied "not a problem, I like doing it, and especially for a friend like you".  As time passed and they began to resent him for his lack of reciprocity, they would play mind games, like the silent treatment.  When that didn't give them results, they would resort to anger, sometimes

insults, and eventually a break down in the relationship.  Had these people REALLY given, for the sake of giving, had they accepted my partner for who he is, without expectations, they would have found a loyal friend, who would never try to hurt them.  Had they been able to enjoy his company in the shared activities, living the moment, without trying to manipulate him to fill their emotional needs, they would have experienced a harmonious relationship.  My point then is the idea that, if we can lead our lives, in a spiritual way, where we are not the center of the universe, nor are our thoughts and emotions, there is a sense of harmony and peace that allows us to live moments fully, observing and often enjoy what life brings, without expectations.  It's clear to me, that if someone is purposely trying to hurt me, it is not a person I can be in a relationship with.  However, it is also important to understand that sometimes, my suffering

may be due to my own expectations of the other or lack of acceptance of the other person's ways, which is very different from abuse. I think I've done a very poor job in illustrating the idea that I believe there is a different way to exist, often very far from the modern psychology we breath today, that can offer a link, not only between NT and AS, but between all types of people, where we can aim to be more humble, less needy, more accepting and live more in the moment,  quieting our minds and taking in the wonders that connect us all.  Of course, it's an ideal, but I believe it's a key to harmonious relationships of all sorts and for both sides.