Re: Not doing well

[Guest guest]

Use your anger at the pharmaceutical companies for motivation.

That really DOES work, too, Kim.

Yes, it sure does. I'd have never written Blind Reason if I hadn't been in a Blind Rage at the lies these goons were tellling. Jeni, everything you described I went through, too, and I'm still here, a little worse for wear, but here nonetheless. Be strong. You WILL get through this.

Blind Reason

a novel of espionage and pharmaceutical intrigue

Think your antidepressant is safe? Think again.

[Guest guest]

Hi Jeni,

You said:

<<Everything i need is set up for it. My plans are always elaborate as

i need to know they wont go wrong. When talking to a friend online i

had a phase of deep paranoia where i was totally convinced that my

mum was paying my psychiartist to kill me, and screaming at my

friend to help me. (ive never been like that before, quite scared)

The night before that i was hypomanic. I was pacing up and down,

being irritated to tears, i couldnt sleep all niht because my brain

wouldnt shut up enough. And oh yeah...all i could think about was

wanting to die...even in the 'up' phase.

Depersonalisation is affecting me badly. And of course all the

physical stuff, tremors, parethesia, tinitus etc.

Just so miserable. Want to sleep on the street and see what happens

to me, see if i can get a murderer to pick me up. But i guess even

they wouldnt want me. >>

***I am really sorry that you are having such a rough time.

I want you to remember that THE DRUGS ARE DOING THIS TO YOU! This is not

YOU thinking these thoughts, it's the drugs. Don't let the drugs win.

Don't buy into these thoughts.

You are not mentally ill. You are withdrawing from psychotropic drugs.

You are not suicidal. You are experiencing symptoms of withdrawal from

psychotropic drugs.

Use your anger at the pharmaceutical companies for motivation. Don't let

them win! Don't let them keep you from recovering and telling your story

far and wide. You have a mission.

There is a huge amount of support available here. Please use it. You CAN

do this. You're made of very tough stuff.

Blessings,

Kim

[Guest guest]

> Just so miserable. Want to sleep on the street and see what happens

> to me, see if i can get a murderer to pick me up. But i guess even

> they wouldnt want me.

>

> Ugh it sucks.

>

> Jeni

Hang in there, Jenni. I had to go off Depakote and then Lithium cold-

turkey due to medical emergency. I made it through, it just took

time.

Be careful about telling people about suicide plans. That's a sure

way to get locked up and re-drugged.

Hugs, we are here for you,

Melody

[Guest guest]

> Use your anger at the pharmaceutical companies for motivation.

That really DOES work, too, Kim.

Hugs,

Melody

[Guest guest]

Dear Jeni,

You said:

<<I've had a bad week and a half on the tegretol. Stabilised it at

500mg bd for a while,1000mg of that stuff in my system...yuck. 5

tablets to go>>

** I don't know what you are saying here. What dose of Tegretol were you

taking? Have you decreased it? By how much did you decrease it? Over what

period of time did you decrease it?

You said:

<<Yesterday morning i was depressed, suicidal, and

my 'obsession' with death or pain was back. I'd planned to kill

myself in a week today. Who knows whether i will bottle out.

Everything i need is set up for it. My plans are always elaborate as

i need to know they wont go wrong. When talking to a friend online i

had a phase of deep paranoia where i was totally convinced that my

mum was paying my psychiartist to kill me, and screaming at my

friend to help me. (ive never been like that before, quite scared)>>

** Is this because of a rapid drop in Tegretol?

Please help me here by posting all drugs and doses you are taking.

You said:

<<The night before that i was hypomanic. I was pacing up and down,

being irritated to tears, i couldnt sleep all niht because my brain

wouldnt shut up enough. And oh yeah...all i could think about was

wanting to die...even in the 'up' phase.

Depersonalisation is affecting me badly. And of course all the

physical stuff, tremors, parethesia, tinitus etc. >>

** Again, I can't comment until I know what you've been doing

drug-wise.

You said:

<<Just so miserable. Want to sleep on the street and see what happens

to me, see if i can get a murderer to pick me up. But i guess even

they wouldnt want me. >>

** So, are you saying you think you're worthless, or is it that you feel

unwanted? Are these beliefs/feelings new or ongoing?

Let me know about the drugs so I can give you my thoughts on all of this.

Regards,

[Guest guest]

Dear Melody,

You said to Jeni:

<<Be careful about telling people about suicide plans. That's a sure

way to get locked up and re-drugged.>>

** I prefer that people talk about these things. How else can we help

unless we know?

Regards,

[Guest guest]

>

> ** I prefer that people talk about these things. How else can

we help

> unless we know?

Hi ,

No I meant talking about suicide to people " on the outside " whom you

cannot trust not to lock you up. There are a lot of people running

around who are " mandated reporters. "

I go through periods where I beg my husband to give me one of his

guns. Fortunately, he won't and I probably can't buy one.

Melody

[Guest guest]

Sorry for the confusion! Im just on tegretol retard (slow

realease form of carbamezepine) 1000mg a day. 500mg in the morning,

500mg at night. I havent decresed it for the past few weeks, and

then i only decresed it by half a tablet=100mg because that dosage

gave me the adverse effects of appearing 'drunk' unable to

stand/talk/think and all that goes with that. I dont think its the

withdrawal thats the problem, its just being on the drug in general.

I dont actually get too bad a withdrawal from meds, im worse on them.

Most of what im feeling is ongoing. As in ive felt it for the past

few years drug free. I've only been on this drug 2 months, where he

upped my dosage every 3 days very quickly to get me at a therapuetic

level, but i got very ill again on it, and was unable to take a

dosage that would 'help' me, so decided to come off. I've pretty

much been my hysterical, immensely suicidal self on it, though the

new found paranoia is getting to me, and the ptsd from paxil doesnt

help me with taking the meds, because i basically have a paic attack

each time i try to swallow them!

Ah well! I just felt like complaining. I actually have a very good

main psychiatrist, he wont put me in hospital unless i am harming

anyone else. He knows it makes me worse, and that i wont be able to

trust him. He also didnt want me on any medication, as he knows it

makes me ill. That was someone elses decision. I have to say, he

always gives me the benefit of the doubt, last time i ODed on

paracetamol with alcohol, i should've gone to hospital and had my

stomach pumped, but he respected my wishes not to (and believed that

i had made myself sick within 2 hours afterwards) though he may be

putting his job on the line if something did happen to me.

I like him a lot, and he wrote many letters to my school about why

they should be patient with me as i was ill on efexor,as he knows

how imoprtant it was to me, but it didnt help. Unfortunately though,

my mother often calls the hospital up on me when im having one of

my 'moods', and speaks to one of the other doctors there, who dont

share the same opinions as him.

Jeni (who is deeply disturbed)