disclosing suspicion of autism to partner

[Guest guest]

Hello,I am conflicted and wonder if anyone has some suggestions or advice about how best to deal with having a very strong suspicion, if not being convinced that my partner has AS.  I guess I need to elaborate on the circumstances I'm presently in. I was a teacher for years, and have always had a special interest in psychology and sociology.  Having lived in different countries (I now live in Spain), has also given me a great opportunity to observe, study and ponder on different ways of thinking.  When I first met my partner, I thought he was foreign (not from Spain), because his speech was "different" and his manner was unlike what fits the culture that surrounds him.  I had been working for his father for years, and became quite bonded to him, which was

unusual because his father is known locally as the  "silent maestro" and has a reputation for not ever speaking (probably AS too), but he spoke to me all the time via poems and proverbs only,  while we trained horses which is his obsession and my passion.  In the relationship I had with Jesus's (my partner) father, I became quite involved in the father-son relationship problems, and being that I love to communicate, circumstantially became the mediator between them.  They don't really speak to each other.  Since I've been with Jesus, we have started a horse business together, in which his father is also involved.  We have had many problems, because of the communication barriers between them.  As I got to know Jesus through working together, his reactions, and way of being in general, I began to suspect AS because I knew someone in England who was diagnosed and fit a very close "peculiarity" resemblance.  Jesus and I have been together now for

three years, and living together for a year and half, and the more I read about AS, the more I am convinced.  Intuitively, I have learned to live with this particular type of relationship, and have adjusted my way of living with a partner, to make it as harmonious as possible.  I recently joined ASPIRES and have found from reading messages, that I seem to be on the right track, at least to give it the best chance of surviving.  However, I have not told Jesus about my research, and findings, because I'm not sure how he will take it and whether he will feel attacked, somehow.  He's very sensitive to what he interprets as criticism, which is not my intention at all.  For me, having discovered this site, has been a great relief, as I often wondered if he loved me at all, and was confused by his aloofness and lack of emotional reciprocity.  He has never told me he loves me, unless I ask, in which case he always replies "of course".  His actions

however, are very loving and he makes plans for us, as if he has every intention of being with me always.  He believes most psychologists are cons and seems to accept the fact that he and his family are "different", as in general, they have a reputation for being eccentrics.  However, he's very gentle natured, sensitive and often fragile, unlike his father, who can often be quite a tyrant, and mean to Jesus (not realizing it).   Doing all this research on my own, makes me feel somehow, disloyal to him, and that I should be able to share it all with him.  However, I fear that telling him may make him feel under attack.  I have looked for support groups locally, but this country has very little to offer...in fact, the little there is seems to all be focused on children in the autism spectrum.  Most of the people I have asked if they know anything about AS have never heard of it.  One  related it to the movie "rain man"!  I have little faith that

there is anyone qualified to diagnose him in the area, and very much doubt that Jesus would be willing to go anyway.  We also have a very small income.   If I told him, my hope would be for him to understand why he often feels frustrated and perplexed by people's behaviour toward him, which is often completely predictable in an NT perspective.  I think he often feels inadequate, confused and anxious about the problems that arise in his life.  He is often teased and patronized, and I know many people think he's dumb (very far from it) I'm sure he was bullied a lot which makes him often be on the defensive and want to become invisible.  I've read on APIRES about people with AS that feel a great relief when they discover what it is, and why they are different.  Is there a "right" way to present this information to him?  Or, is there a way to help him gain more self confidence, without necessarily telling him what I have found? I have three NT

children who often complain about his "weird" ways of often disappearing, "ignoring" them when being spoken to when he's immersed in one of his projects, etc..I wonder if everything would be better, if all of us were aware of AS, or if my children will  just need to learn to be more open and tolerant of those who are different, and  "strange" rather than putting a label on it.  For me, knowing about AS has helped me immensely, and also changed my approach realizing that I can't have Jesus be a partner that will give me emotional support in times of need, nor participate in social activities with me. Since I've accepted that, much of my struggles have ended. Any suggestions?  I live in Malaga, Spain.