Will I ever change

[Guest guest]

I've been using the principles of ACT for about two years now. Acceptance and

defusion have been life savers. I have noticed a problem though. Most of my hot

thoughts have been of a similar nature. " I am less than. " As I accept the

thoughts and the feelings I eventually end up accepting the feeling that I'm not

as good as other people. The problem now is I feel less than, but am no longer

depressed about it. I accept not being not as good as other people.

When friends tell me I need to improve my self esteem, I tell them no, I've

learned to accept the feeling that I'm not as good as other people. I have tried

to explain that fighting my feelings was the cause of my depression and anxiety.

When I meet woman, my acceptance of the feelings of less than confuses them and

keeps me dateless. I'm in good shape and have been told quite often that I have

a tough guy look, I boxed as a kid. I have a fairly good job that I've been on

for over twenty years and am well read and articulate. But ACT has taught me to

accept feeling worthless. And woman find this a turn off. Or am I doing

something wrong.

[Guest guest]

You must distinguish thoughts from feelings (physical sensations, etc.)

Thoughts are just words in your head. You can buy them or not. Your choice. The thought that you are not as good as other people is just a thought. And not particularly useful so don't buy it. Defuse from it using such techniques as putting the thought to a silly song, using the milk, milk, milk exercise, etc. DO NOT ACCEPT THOUGHTS UNLESS THEY ARE USEFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feelings (physical sensations) on the other hand, are real. Headaches, rapid heart beat, sweaty palms, butterflies in your stomach - all real. Yes, you practice acceptance on the feelings but not on the thoughts behind the feelings. The opposite of acceptance is struggle. Stop struggling. Let go of the rope. Make room for the feelings.

Do you see the difference?

To: ACT_for_the_Public From: acwrites@...Date: Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:20:21 +0000Subject: Will I ever change

I've been using the principles of ACT for about two years now. Acceptance and defusion have been life savers. I have noticed a problem though. Most of my hot thoughts have been of a similar nature. "I am less than." As I accept the thoughts and the feelings I eventually end up accepting the feeling that I'm not as good as other people. The problem now is I feel less than, but am no longer depressed about it. I accept not being not as good as other people.When friends tell me I need to improve my self esteem, I tell them no, I've learned to accept the feeling that I'm not as good as other people. I have tried to explain that fighting my feelings was the cause of my depression and anxiety. When I meet woman, my acceptance of the feelings of less than confuses them and keeps me dateless. I'm in good shape and have been told quite often that I have a tough guy look, I boxed as a kid. I have a fairly good job that I've been on for over twenty years and am well read and articulate. But ACT has taught me to accept feeling worthless. And woman find this a turn off. Or am I doing something wrong.

[Guest guest]

I feel really sad for you ac. I'm going in the opposite direction to you and

when I feel inadequate I wonder if near my interanl image is anywhere near

reality. I have began to think about this internal image that can overwhelm me

with feelihg and appear so true - I really do feel useless and unatractive, but

am I? Am I anywhere near how I feel myself to be? I have began to think 'not in

the slightest'.

In fact, it might be impossible to see myself as others do, so why get so caught

up in something I will never really know for sure.

With my girlfriend I am full of imagination and playfulness. She loves the way I

act out the things I am saying with 'sound effects, actions, anmd demonstrations

' as she say's. I had never noticed this in myself before but I am like this

when many of my colleagues too. She seems to be bringing me back to life and

other girls have started to take an interest in me as well. I'm beginning to

feel attractive.

Now I feel absolutely lovely with my girlfriend but the other day I was with

this beautiful woman and I felt a dead bore. I felt I was pedestrian, nothing

like the laughs, idiocity, playfulness that I am with my girlfriend. I had

nothing funny to say and her boyfriend was being a real comedian, and far more

bold than me which made me feel dull. I looked at my internal image and thought

it was real, but I knew it wasn't. I wondered why I had built up this negative

image, where did it come from, etc. Anyway, the truth is, this image dominated

me for a long time and I was convinced I was not good enough, and guess what, as

a result, I very shy with many people for years leading to a self fulfilling

prophesy.

You are just as good as anyone ac, you just need to find yourself. Making some

good friends who really like you can re make you start to think that you are fun

as well as being attractive. I have to go now, but you are probably just lonely.

If you feel like this about yourself I bet you will really come to life and

start having some real fun when people mirror back to you that you are likeable

and special. You will get swept up by the euphoria and you won't be able to

believe why you ever thought those negative things about yourself.

Kavy

>

> I've been using the principles of ACT for about two years now. Acceptance and

defusion have been life savers. I have noticed a problem though. Most of my hot

thoughts have been of a similar nature. " I am less than. " As I accept the

thoughts and the feelings I eventually end up accepting the feeling that I'm not

as good as other people. The problem now is I feel less than, but am no longer

depressed about it. I accept not being not as good as other people.

>

> When friends tell me I need to improve my self esteem, I tell them no, I've

learned to accept the feeling that I'm not as good as other people. I have tried

to explain that fighting my feelings was the cause of my depression and anxiety.

>

> When I meet woman, my acceptance of the feelings of less than confuses them

and keeps me dateless. I'm in good shape and have been told quite often that I

have a tough guy look, I boxed as a kid. I have a fairly good job that I've been

on for over twenty years and am well read and articulate. But ACT has taught me

to accept feeling worthless. And woman find this a turn off. Or am I doing

something wrong.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm very tired and my English and editing went completely wrong in the first

paragraph of my previous post. But I think everyone got what I meant.

Anyway, this beautiful woman's boyfriend is short, fat, no neck, teeth all over

the place due to a bicycle accident which knocked them all out, very pale, is

almost completely bald and what's left is ginger, but what an adorable little

chap. He has unbelievable self confidence and really likes himself. It just goes

to show what you can do if you believe in yourself.

Kavy

> >

> > I've been using the principles of ACT for about two years now. Acceptance

and defusion have been life savers. I have noticed a problem though. Most of my

hot thoughts have been of a similar nature. " I am less than. " As I accept the

thoughts and the feelings I eventually end up accepting the feeling that I'm not

as good as other people. The problem now is I feel less than, but am no longer

depressed about it. I accept not being not as good as other people.

> >

> > When friends tell me I need to improve my self esteem, I tell them no, I've

learned to accept the feeling that I'm not as good as other people. I have tried

to explain that fighting my feelings was the cause of my depression and anxiety.

> >

> > When I meet woman, my acceptance of the feelings of less than confuses them

and keeps me dateless. I'm in good shape and have been told quite often that I

have a tough guy look, I boxed as a kid. I have a fairly good job that I've been

on for over twenty years and am well read and articulate. But ACT has taught me

to accept feeling worthless. And woman find this a turn off. Or am I doing

something wrong.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Why let other people get away with feeling better than you - and they won't half

rub it in if they can get away with it. My last manager for the past three years

was a complete bullsh*tter and was totally useless yet he is still in a job - he

talks the talk. His friend, who is my technical supervisor, doesn't know

anything either and yet gets by because he is so confident. I went for that job

but I was panicking so much because I thought the stress would be really high as

there is lots of important decision making to be made. But the guy who got the

job knows nothing at all and all the other managers now realise this as well and

yet know one challenges him. I could have done the job much better.

The point I am trying to make is this, it is what you think about yourself that

counts, not your achievemnts, skills, good looks etc. So this guy I know who is

5 foot nothing and walks like a penguin and has teeth going in all directions

has pulled one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen - and married her.

No one can accept being second best and so your feelings about yourself will

change. It is natural and healthy to think that there is something unique and

special about yourself even if we all secretely believe this.

Best of luck acwrites, one day you will see that I am right.

Kavy

>

> I've been using the principles of ACT for about two years now. Acceptance and

defusion have been life savers. I have noticed a problem though. Most of my hot

thoughts have been of a similar nature. " I am less than. " As I accept the

thoughts and the feelings I eventually end up accepting the feeling that I'm not

as good as other people. The problem now is I feel less than, but am no longer

depressed about it. I accept not being not as good as other people.

>

> When friends tell me I need to improve my self esteem, I tell them no, I've

learned to accept the feeling that I'm not as good as other people. I have tried

to explain that fighting my feelings was the cause of my depression and anxiety.

>

> When I meet woman, my acceptance of the feelings of less than confuses them

and keeps me dateless. I'm in good shape and have been told quite often that I

have a tough guy look, I boxed as a kid. I have a fairly good job that I've been

on for over twenty years and am well read and articulate. But ACT has taught me

to accept feeling worthless. And woman find this a turn off. Or am I doing

something wrong.

>

[Guest guest]

You want to accept the *feeling*, i.e., the sensation in your mind and body, not

the pernicious *messages* that those feelings encourage. The messages are bull

sh*t. They are not true or false, but just imaginary arisings, sentences,

sensations, impulses, urges, pictures, residues of the mindless primate

programming that we inherited from our evolutionary ancestors. You are

perfectly justified in treating them as what they are: stuff that randomly pops

up for who knows whatever reason, not privileged reflections on anyone or

anything.

Are the feelings convincing at times? Of course they are. But that's no

surprise. That's how the mind works. It creates a network of feelings, images,

and talk that coalesce together to form a truly compelling, convincing sense of

what is *really* there, what is *really* happening, what you *really* are. In

the end, not of that is actually real. It's all the mind.

You're not less than or greater than anything. You're just a person walking

around on a planet for a few years, responding to your situation, doing the best

you can with the set of strengths and weaknesses that nature has surrounded you

with. Anyone in your circumstances, surrounded by those strengths and

weaknesses, would do the same as you--no better or worse. So how can those

people *really* be better or worse than you? Again, this whole game of

comparison and judgment and so on is just a figment of the human imagination

that has seeped its way into our species based on its implications for survival

and reproduction. So let the feelings do their dance, and pay no mind to their

actual messages.

You go to a party with people talking and laughing and so on. You're mind

immediately sinks into the " These people are better than me, I don't belong

here, I'm a loser, bla bla " ... OK... Is it a surprise that this stuff comes up?

Of course not... We know what the stuff is, we knew it was going to come up,

we've seen it before. It's just how the mind works. There are evolutionary

reasons for why it works that way. In the end, we don't have to struggle with

any of it. We can just let it sort of be there in the background of our minds

as we go do our things, socializing, conversing, and so on. In the wiser parts

of who we are, we already *know* and *recognize* the mind's games--and that is

all we need to know and recognize. We can let go of the mind's struggles, dive

into the world, and engage. After all, it's just people talking and laughing,

not some huge, self-intense quest from which we have to generate some result.

>

> I've been using the principles of ACT for about two years now. Acceptance and

defusion have been life savers. I have noticed a problem though. Most of my hot

thoughts have been of a similar nature. " I am less than. " As I accept the

thoughts and the feelings I eventually end up accepting the feeling that I'm not

as good as other people. The problem now is I feel less than, but am no longer

depressed about it. I accept not being not as good as other people.

>

> When friends tell me I need to improve my self esteem, I tell them no, I've

learned to accept the feeling that I'm not as good as other people. I have tried

to explain that fighting my feelings was the cause of my depression and anxiety.

>

> When I meet woman, my acceptance of the feelings of less than confuses them

and keeps me dateless. I'm in good shape and have been told quite often that I

have a tough guy look, I boxed as a kid. I have a fairly good job that I've been

on for over twenty years and am well read and articulate. But ACT has taught me

to accept feeling worthless. And woman find this a turn off. Or am I doing

something wrong.

>