Re: CJ - your new year

[Guest guest]

Hello CJ,

Thank you for sharing with us, and I hope we can all support you to acknowledge your own bravery in the face of the events of a previous New Years Eve. I dont know quite how to find the right words, but I will have a go:

There is an expectation of us all to enjoy and celebrate as a mass, those 'special days' and there is an expectation of 'you must go out and meet others' on New Years Eve, which is dreadful at times when that particular special day has another conotation. You will, inevitably, find yourself at odds with those celebrating everwhere else, whilst you are thinking about that particular anniversary and what it means to you. Its a lonely time, as a consequence, for those of us who have lost someone in terrible circumstances at the very time when all around you are going for broke.

I know of others, like you, like me, who had lost loved ones on Christmas Day, New Years Eve, Valentines Day and other such milestone events. The misery one already experiences when others are taking up - seemingly mindless of your own pain - a mass celebration, and you are in your own vortex of grief, is bad enough. Then you have the anger that you cant, ever, enjoy yourself or forget that special day because of what has happened; and do you know, thats OK to feel that way, but in fact you can gradually learn to enjoy the day, for your own self, and in your own right - its also your new year, and also your own movement in time.

When your husband made that decision he did not include you, and you could not have had any part in preventing it happening. It was not your fault. It was not your fault you were out and about at the time, nor was it your fault that it was a celebration day.

If that were me, I would be angry with him, too, for taking that route and leaving you and his family with the burden of acceptance of his decision. Its a natural part of grieving, no one should feel bad about that. The fact that it was New Year is both significant and insignificant. He, perhaps like many others before him who have made that same choice, may have reflected that the coming year was another that he didnt want to take on. However, its also was a day/date/time like any other before or after it, and, that date has gone and wont come back again. I would hope that we can become stronger from our adversities, and here we are looking ahead for another year. New Years Eve - you have faced it, and albeit with its memories, it shouldnt be removed from your own life?

As for not partying. There isnt any problem, in my view, in spending the evening,safe and quiet, with kitty. I've deliberately avoided New Years Eve on a number of occasions, my own rebellion and my to show my determination for the coming year in not being bowled along by expectations. I dont want to feel obligated to spend my evening with a lot of casual friends, whenever I am not up to the razzamatazz. Thats a great decision in itself.

You have New Year your way. And you can take care of yourself that way. But please dont let it become the omen for all future new year events. This time you couldnt make it and thats your right. Next year, you might feel better. You might wish to think ahead and plan your own, safe, 'your way', event. You can still remember your husband in a dignified and respectful way - perhaps on New Years Day itself, so that its distinct from the evening before's inevitable party feel.

You have always been a great supporter of others on this list, and you are honest and true with your thoughts. I hope that you will know that you are supported by us here, and that protecting yourself from the bright lights, this time around, was the best thing to do this time around.

Thinking of you and yours

Judy B,

Subject: Holidays are finally over...To: "CJ" Date: Friday, 1 January, 2010, 16:22

I am so glad that the holidays are finally behind me. This season was not much fun at all, I'm afraid. :(I had an invite to a big NYE party last night at the home of a casual 'friend' whom I've known for years. It's an annual event, is always fun, and doesn't involve a lot of driving on NYE. Yet I decided not to go at the last minute (which I promised myself I wouldn't do) and instead stayed home alone with kitty. Sigh.Not only was my social anxiety working overtime in anticipation of the party (no doubt aggravated by my overall withdrawal from social life over the last few years), but the party contained too many memories that I just wasn't ready to deal with. Don't know if I ever will be.The last time I had attended that particular party was NYE of 2007. I had a blast. It was so much fun seeing people I hadn't seen in awhile, and the chow was spectacular.What I wasn't

aware of while partying 2007 away, was that my dear husband of 20 years was at home and in the process of taking his own life. His body was found on New Year's Day.So, today is the second anniversary of the horrible event that forever changed my life and stole my dreams.And I'm feeling really down and sorry for myself this morning. Not only did I hide under the blankets with kitty last night instead of partying the night away with fun people, but I really had no holiday season to speak of at all.The little family I do have lives on the opposite coast, so it's not like I could spend Christmas with them. Besides, we're not all that close anyway.And the friends I consider close enough to spend Christmas with were either with their own families elsewhere, or had been invited to the home of other friends whom I do not know. So, no luck there either.There were a few semi-public

Christmas dinners for adult 'orphans' that I could have attended. Yet they all involved way too much driving, and I wasn't really in the mood to do a meal and gift swap with 100+ folks who are already at the periphery of my social circle. This just would have further reminded me of how alone I am in the world these days.So, kitty and I made dinner out of a strange assortment of items that I found in the fridge (some with rather questionable expiration dates), as I was not able to get to the store before it closed early on Christmas Eve. Then we curled up in our blanket and went to sleep.In many ways I feel that I'll never be able to enjoy the holiday season (let alone New Year's Eve/Day) ever again due to my late husband's suicide and all of the fallout from that loss.Anyway, I'm not sure what my point is here. Just that I needed to share my sadness with someone other than kitty. It's not

like I can even cry and let go of the pain (at least for a little while), as my OCD meds inhibit my ability to shed tears. Couldn't cry even if I wanted to. Yet there's a lump in my throat nonetheless.Happy New Year, everyone. May 2010 be an improvement (even a little one) over 2009 for all of us.Best,~CJ