parallel illnesses

[Guest guest]

Hello, I'm Helena, UK,45, NS

I pop in here not very often. I was active 3 yrs ago, and then my sister came to

stay, escaping a man with NPD, so I took care of the kids and didn't have time

to log on regularly.

I live with a man, he's 60 and we both agree that he has AS. We have been

together for 17.5 yrs though living tog. for a mere 7 years!

Maxine Aston, UK, has said in her books/website that around 80% of NS partners

who stay with their AS partners eventually become ill, physically or

emotionally. I thought that this would not happen to me!

To my horror, I was recently admitted to hospital with pneumonia and possible

swine flu. I spent 3 days in isolation with barrier nursing only, and once I got

the all clear, was released on to the ward. I spent 8 days there (thank god for

the National Health service!) and was discharged yesterday. I'm staying with a

friend now and am well looked after but have been told not to work for a month.

I have resigned one of my low-paid jobs and am considering a hol. when fit to

travel abroad.

Meanwhile, across town....the story began on new year's eve, when I phoned S, my

partner, and he said he had flu. I returned on 3rd Jan and he was very poorly.

Gradually he began to recover, but not fully and then, nine days later, I got

sick. I spent two weeks in bed before developing breathing difficulties and

being admitted to hosp.

S. looked after me but become increasingly annoyed with me nd told me not to

waste paracetamol-based drinks because of the cost (presumably a ref, to the one

I;d vomited up!)

We suspected swine flu because of the vomiting (TMI!)and I was diagnosed online,

which is how we do it in this country. I asked partner if he thought he had had

it too. He said he had had severe nausea, but thought that I had caught swine

flu independently of him by going to a conf. in Birmingham, UK, for one day,

where Nigerians were present!!!!!! I was appalled at his racism, but he almost

had me convinced, as he is able to argue like a lawyer, and I was ill.

He took me to hospital on 14th day. The procedure for admissions is lengthy, we

waited with others for hours, and then he began to look sick again, begging me

for sweets, etc, which is out of character. I got taken to the assessment centre

where he repeated the Nigerian story, and also said that I'd been drinking aloe

vera gel for 4 months, and this could be affecting me. Doctor dismissed these

suggestions, he left, and I was admitted, and eventually placed on the

respiratory ward.

When I phoned him, he said he'd had a full relapse of flu after leaving the

hospital and going home. He made various calls on my behalf and read out my

facebook comments, posted up my cellphone number. He said he'd phone my mum but

forgot till I texted him that evening! She was alarmed, but told him severely

that he must go the doc too.

Over the next few days, he went to the doc, was diagnosed with a chest inf. and

prescribed antibiotics. They're nearly finished now.

He became reluctant to do things for me. I organized for a friend to shop for

him before visiting me, and various of my friends popped in and out of my house

to get things, but he would not see any of them. We ended up on Mon, with him

crying over the phone to me and saying I was bossy and he didn't like my tone. I

was only trying to ask him for things that needed finding for bringing in, or

contact numbers. He kept phoning me and once I even hung up on him. He did not

visit me once in 8 days.

The day of my discharge, which was unexpected, my friends that were supposed to

pick me up/look after me and pick me up, accidentally left their phone off the

hook! S. rang them often from bed, while I had to go to x ray , physio, etc.

The hospital rang him, because I was lying in bed crying because I had no-one to

pick me up and they needed the bed. He said he did not know I was upset, but

said he couldn't pick me up (it's a 10 mile trip). The hospital knew he had AS

and came and asked me if I knew anyone else, etc. Eventually I rallied the

troops, got myself back to an acqaintance's house, rang another friend, got her

to go and track down the friend with the dysfunctional phone. They were in and

came to take me to their house.

I'd spoken to S. on the phone meanwhile and he'd said that he couldn't ring my

mobile from the landline because it was too expensive

S. would not answer the phone when I rang from my safe house, and later said

that he'd been trying to save his voice. I said that he could have been more

helpful in trying to assist me to find a lift, but he got angry. We left it at

that. Today he said he was too sick to visit me, but could maybe manage tomorrow

if some old friends of his from Bristol came over.

Meanwhile, I 'd been texting Delyth, who is on this forum, and she reckoned that

his 'Aspie flu' would last as long as my convalescence! I've just had the

Bristol friend calling me and asking me what could be done, who are S's friends,

etc. He's not going to come up after all. He was horrified at the idea of Aspie

flu, and backed off hurriedly when I said that he was in fact S's closest

(geographically) friend that he'd most like to see. We discussed others who

might help, and then I got an email from S. saying he might visit me tomorrow

anyway. He does sound awful on the phone!

Thing is, S's Dad was the same. His wife had serious health issues (MRSA in

joints for seven years, flaring up; heart attack, lingering death). Dad,

meanwhile, saw the doc constantly, became addicted to laxatives and nasal

sprays, and one one occasion got himself into the same hospital as his wife in

he next room, from which he phoned her constantly. He eventually died 3 years

after his wife, of a short illness. He'd had live-in carers for years, and gave

them the runaraound, constantly ringing bells, etc. He did not leave the house

for years, though he was mobile enough in the earlier years to do so.

Am I being mean or is there a pattern here? Anyone else got any experience of

this? I get so mad when anyone asks me if he needs anything. Kick up the butt,

perhaps? I know he is ill, but what is going on? How come I've had to rely on my

friends for everything over the past ten days? I do feel angry.

Your comments are welcome.

Helena, Uk, 45 (just!) NS