Re: Relationship Advice

[Guest guest]

Hi, I am an Aspie and I'd love ro help you, but I need more information about the things you're having problems with, Please elaborate,

 

Hi, I'm an NT and my boyfriend is aspergian. We have been together for almost a year. For about the last six months we have had nothing but conflict, everything is hard and I feel extremly stressed out like nothing can be easy in our relationship. Am I doing something wrong? Is this forever? Should I come to the realization that it will always be this hard? So confused.

__.

[Guest guest]

Hey , Thanks!

Gosh well what I have problems with is trying to understand if he stopped loving

me or if I just lack an understanding of what aspergers means, the things for me

are; I pissed him off maybe seven months ago and the wrath of those words never

ceased, he stopped writing me poetry, he stopped making romantic advances to

me, I feel so distant from him when were sitting next to eachother,I used to

feel him staring at the side of my face (with love in his eyes)-not anymore, he

says really mean things to me all the time, and he didn't get me flowers,candy

or even a card for Valentines day. I know I'll wake up at 2 in the morning and

be able to better put it into words, but this is best I can do for now. Maybe

things look different for him?

>

> >

> >

> > Hi, I'm an NT and my boyfriend is aspergian. We have been together for

> > almost a year. For about the last six months we have had nothing but

> > conflict, everything is hard and I feel extremly stressed out like nothing

> > can be easy in our relationship. Am I doing something wrong? Is this

> > forever? Should I come to the realization that it will always be this hard?

> > So confused.

> >

> > __.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well, I went through some similar things but a different situation. In '03, I had become deathly ill and went into a coma for 3 months. Every doctor told my ex-wife that I had a 99.9% chance of dying and a .1% chance of being a quadriplegic vegetable. She wanted to pull the plug (not to be mean, but her philosophy is to always take the easy way out.

I came out of the coma a quadriplegic and my mind was in such a fog, I hardly remember anything. I had a tracheotomy and couldn't speak, so I communicated by blinking as they passed their fingers over a simple picture chart. I prayed and meditated every day to get better for my wife, newborn son and stepdaughter. Gradually I regained usage of my limbs through sheer willpower. I had to relearn talking, walking, writiing, everything.

I was personally proud of myself. In my head, I had the Queen song, " Princes of the Universe, " on a loop in my head. The " I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings " line really pumped me up and I worked through all the pain and humiliation to regain myself.

After I got home from months of being in a rehab facility, one night my wife got mad at me and yelled at me. She said, " I hate you! I don't want to have to take care of you, it's not fair! I have a big fat cripple, an autistic 3 year old, and my six year old daughter to take care of. I'm sick of you. You don't do anything! I wish you would go live with your mother. "

I can tell you that those words hurt me deeply. She is the type of person who never apologizes, so besides always heing scared of doing something socially inept, I felt like she absolutely hated me everytime she looked at me. I mean it was nearly impossible to keep myself from falling apart because when I did it made her even angrier and I was so scared. I just kept distancing myself even though she was the only woman or person I had ever loved so deeply and opened up to. Now I was walking on eggshells and I would work 12 hours a day at least and when I did come home I played with the kids all day.

I was the type of person who did write novels, poetry and all kinds of stuff when we first got together. But it stopped soon after because as she put it, she was a " realist " . And while all my teachers and classmates at college would say I would be famous one day, I lost the ambition and the drive to write anymore. I was a self employed web designer and she pushed me to work on websites so I could make money. I had bought her well over $20k of jewelry over our 8 years together. I paid off all her bills (over 10k worth) and bought us a house. I was making between 80-100k a year. I really wanted to write though but she would always put me down and say that while I was good, there are so many writers and most never make it. So I lost my dream and determination.

I think your boyfriend is probably really scared after what happened.and lost faith in you. I never lost faith in my wife, I still love her even though she cheated on me with over 20 guys in 3 months. But I can say those words still sting and hurt. If she had said sorry, and meant it and took the time and effort to beat it into my head. I know it sounds dauning, but if you were able to constantly reassure him, I think it woiuld help. It would have helped me. But then again, I never lost hope in her. To this day, after 4 years of separation I still have hope.

It really makes me sad to hear about your problem, I wish I could give you a hug. I don't know what else I could do for you but I know how you feel. I have said really stupid, hurtful things I couldn't take back and she held them against me forever. I think maybe there are people like us who are volitaile and may say something but not mean it and others who say things and mean it forever and can't forgive.

I met a girl last year who got me to open up because I decided to wall myself off and come to terms with being alone and miserable forever. She came to me and asked me to express my feelings and told me not to be invisible. It took a long time, but I finally listened to her. She was an activities aid at a nursing home I was at and she said it was ok for us to be friends. I told her that I was attracted to her and I may out of stupidity compliment her or do romantic things to express myself and she said it was ok and we flirted constantly. I gave her presents all the time too. Everything was going great. One day, however, I ordered flowers for her and wrote her a poem to go with them - " Angel eyes with lips divine/Golden hair spun on cherubim wheel/For a kiss I'd reminisce/On earth as it is in heaven. " she loved the flowers and poetry.

Her boss found out though and two days later, she dumped me as a friend. No explanation, no warning, just, " Why don't you find someone who cares to talk to. " I freaked out and wound up trying to get her to talk with me and all I ever got out of her is that her boss (who was her aunt as well) told her to have nothing to do with me. My world fell to pieces. I was so infatuated with her as a friend and I had hoped for a possible romantic thing. I really lost it though because I had no idea how to express myself and must have seemed like a nut. She wouldn't talk to me at all and I tried to force her to talk to me by harming myself in front of her. All I wanted was for her to show some compassion and say something like, " Stop , don't hurt yourself. " But it just made things worse because she just thought I was a dangerous nutjob. All I wanted and needed was some kind of closure...

As far as how things look for your man is that he is most likely hurt and scared. He doesn't trust you anymore and is creating distance because he probably feels you're going to leave him. It is possible he has decided to leave you and his moving away like that is just a way to " drift apart " without causing too much drama. I can't really say as I have only had two relationships, my wife and the girl who hurt me, and I don't even lnow if that qualifies. I am 35 and I always believed in just one love and could never break up with someone. Once I choose to love someone, I'm theirs forever. My ex wife tricked me into our relationship.

I did like her, but I was unsude and scared... She used sensory overload on me and took advantage of me sexuually and I was just stuck I guess. I had bonded so deeply over the experience that I felt like a puppy dog following around it's master. I admit that I liked the feeling and that I wanted to be bonded like that and I live to serve I would have picked someone nicer who would have been more supportive of my dreams and goals. I hate being alone, but I need to come to grips that I should jusp.

Be good to your man if you truly love him. Apologize and let him know you really didn't mean it. Let hom know that no matter what, you love him and are there for him. Also, let him know you really miss the things he did for you to make you feel special. Frame the poems he wrote for you and pine away at them and tell him how much they meant to you... The girl who hurt me inspired me to write so many poems, even after she hurt me. I am in love with her even though it's a stupid waste of time. I never even wrote one poem for my ex wife and inspires me to write volumes.

I hope this helps, and sorry for my own sob story, I'm just feeling particularly vulnerable, especially afrer V-Day and because your story makes me sad. All women deserve a man who looks at them with love in their eyes and they all deserve volumes of poetry. It's just sad when you're the guy who does all of that and the girl treats you like dirt. It gives me hope that you want to fix things. If only would let me explain or apologize.

 

Hey , Thanks!

Gosh well what I have problems with is trying to understand if he stopped loving me or if I just lack an understanding of what aspergers means, the things for me are; I pissed him off maybe seven months ago and the wrath of those words never ceased, he stopped writing me poetry, he stopped making romantic advances to me, I feel so distant from him when were sitting next to eachother,I used to feel him staring at the side of my face (with love in his eyes)-not anymore, he says really mean things to me all the time, and he didn't get me flowers,candy or even a card for Valentines day. I know I'll wake up at 2 in the morning and be able to better put it into words, but this is best I can do for now. Maybe things look different for him?

>

> >

> >

> > Hi, I'm an NT and my boyfriend is aspergian. We have been together for

> > almost a year. For about the last six months we have had nothing but

> > conflict, everything is hard and I feel extremly stressed out like nothing

> > can be easy in our relationship. Am I doing something wrong? Is this

> > forever? Should I come to the realization that it will always be this hard?

> > So confused.

> >

> > __.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well I didn't say anything directly mean to him, but I can be jealous and I

asked him if he still loved his ex-wife. Also he is always on facebook and has

deleted me because I saw things people wrote that I didn't aprove of and now he

took off his relationship status. It fuels a bitterness inside of me that hurts

so much. I feel that he is trying to keep a backup plan in case our relationship

falls apart. The thing is I want to marry him and love him so much I feel sick

to think he will find another. He has only female friends and on X-mas eve he

lied to me and said he got off work late, but then I found out from looking

through his phone and calling a number that he went to a girl's house that is

his friend. These things have kept me bitter and made my trust disappear now it

just feels like were drowning.

> >

> > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Hi, I'm an NT and my boyfriend is aspergian. We have been together for

> > > > almost a year. For about the last six months we have had nothing but

> > > > conflict, everything is hard and I feel extremly stressed out like

> > nothing

> > > > can be easy in our relationship. Am I doing something wrong? Is this

> > > > forever? Should I come to the realization that it will always be this

> > hard?

> > > > So confused.

> > > >

> > > > __.

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group.... I'd like to chime in here. Sorry to hear that you have

issues/challenges with your relationship. Seems to be that way for essentially

the vast majority of couples, NT-AS or otherwise. Don't you agree?

Prior to moving to Tennessee from Indiana in 2007, I had been involved in a long

distance relationship with someone. Then, I interviewed, and accepted a job

offer in the same city she lived. Moved there, and thought all would be great.

Why not?

Nothing could been have further from truth. Within three months of arriving in

Tennessee, two things happened. First, the company which hired me, terminated

me. I moved on well past that. Second, the relationship which became more

localized, ended. She is a licensed physician, and diagnosed me officially as

having both AD/HD *and* AS.

I was like, " How can this be? Surely, you must be speaking to the wrong person.

I've accomplished a lot in my life (and I did), and now you're telling me this.

I refuse to believe it. " Mentally, I felt as if she threw me against the wall

or slammed me down to the ground.

Anyway... she couldn't understand why I couldn't understand social situations.

I would try to reach out, but felt awkward much of that time. She felt at times

that I seemed very closed to her, as if I didn't care. Also, she had an adult

teenage child living with her, too. Didn't go over very well.

I emerged from my " personal hell " (which lasted just over two years) a few

months ago. I will be sending her a card to wish her a " Happy Birthday "

tomorrow. However, I will include a small note, *thanking* her for doing a very

difficult thing she did by choosing to let me go and deal with what I needed to

do. I consider myself very fortunate that I was not seeing anyone or married to

anyone when I went through my " hell. "

You shared about your " significant other. " You wrote, " The thing is I want to

marry him and love him so much I feel sick to think he will find another. He has

only female friends and on X-mas eve he lied to me and said he got off work

late, but then I found out from looking

through his phone and calling a number that he went to a girl's house that is

his friend. These things have kept me bitter and made my trust disappear now it

just feels like were drowning. "

Sounds like to me that there's trust issues/challenges in your relationship,

regardless if it's an NT-AS relationship or not. There's many reasons why he

could be doing what he is. Ultimately, there's a root cause for everything

leading to these symptoms you're talking about and such. If he doesn't trust

and/or have respect for himself, how can anyone trust/respect him? If there was

a foundation of trust and respect in your relationship, the jealousy and his

keeping information from you are minimized.

I see it this way - three choices exist. First, you can talk things out and get

professional help. Ultimately, " takes two to tango " as the old saying goes. If

you want to tango and he doesn't, that's his dilemma.

Second, you can learn about AS and see why he has been acting the way he does.

It's amazing what happened when I learned about both AS and AD/HD *at the same

time* (and trust me, it wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination). Not

only did I learn much, I felt a tremendous release - a tremendous freedom, if

you will. I felt liberated. I am so very, very thankful and grateful I took

the time to invest in myself and learn about AS and AD/HD. I am bearing the

fruits for having taken the time.

Third, you can continue to go about things as they are. Unfortunately, the

situation won't change itself.. it will keep going as is.

I hope this has been of some help.

- AS and AD/HD (and very proud of being both)

Hi,

Welcome to Aspires.

One thing I learned very quickly by becoming a partner of Ian, (AS) was that he

didnt recognise social signals, nor did he adhere to the NT way of showing love

or affection. Its not something he is able to do. When I met Ian he professed

undying love, at that time he was undiagnosed, so I found him quirky and

interesting, and he seemed obsessed with me.

I learned that he was adopting a pose; he had been bewildered and upset over the

years at his own attempts to be like NT's, and had adopted a mimicking and

copying approach, not sure how to behave as NT's do. This came across as

insincere, and clumsy. So he had stopped trying. He and I had such an

attraction, a bond, and the core of something good, I hung on in there.

It took us many years, including heartaches from me where I thought he was being

cruel or uncaring, to find out about AS and when we did, and he was diagnosed,

our lives improved dramatically. I also found this site, Aspires, and found

that being the lover of an AS person was hard work, but that I was not alone in

this, and that many others had parallel experiences, even though all our

situations are unique to us.

I have learned not to try and change him, and he not to try and change me (which

he did try to do, saying that he knew best all the time!). We've come a long,

hard way. Just by accepting who we are and allowing ourselves space to be the

people we really are, without pretence, or anger. I stand up for myself, by

making declarations of what I am doing today, and why, how I might need him to

be part of that. We negotiate a lot!

The key for me was to change my expectations. AS partners hate to be 'probed' as

they call it. We have a tendency to ask them 'how do you feel', 'why did you say

that', 'what are you thinking'..... because thats how NT's work, they can read

each other's faces, tell from tones of voices, understand body language. AS

people cant do that, and they struggle in their lives to be accepted and

understood, leading to a feeling of isolation and despair? So if they are then

quizzed about something beyond their ken, they have trouble processing it.

Many have failed relationships behind them and they are wary as a result. Having

given something their best shot, they dont want to go there so readily again.

Having an understanding of AS on both sides of the relationship really helps, it

'normalises' the traits of one, and the frustrations of the other are lessened.

My way of getting closer to Ian is to let him be. I dont nag, I dont ask him

about what why when, but tell him that when he wants to talk to me, he can. It

helps that we live together so have the luxury of being apart in the same house

for hours, but know that we can see each other any time. Ian, like a lot of AS

folks, has to decompress, have a space to go to, to be quiet and safe. Many AS

have obsessive behaviours, thoughts or rituals, that make them feel better about

themselves during the day. Having AS is not easy, Ian says its like looking at

the rest of the world through perspex. Tara has just posted a brilliant speech

on this site about how it feels.

AS partners do not respond to emotion very well, unless its something they have

come across a lot and know the right responses. Its not their fault. They cant

support you the way you may need to be supported. I use friends and family for

the deeper support and know that Ian cannot help me with the needy stuff. Once

I had accepted that, we became more loving and supportive, because I wasnt

asking Ian to be the centre of my universe.

AS folks are often stressed by the noise around them, smells, and unexpected

changes in routine. All this may happen on a day when you might want him to be

your rock, or listen to your needs. He may well be focussing on a baby crying

in the room, or the smell of petrol from outside. He may not hear you properly

and you will have to repeat everything. Ian cant take lots of conversation at

once (in common with many others on this site) and needs to have direct, short

statements so that he can process everything. I have to ask him for a hug, but

he will give me that hug when asked. As I say, its hard work. You have to decide

if its worth it.

He may not like your being interested in his activities such as Facebook, as I

have found with Ian that he likes to be quite private, as this is part of his

fears of getting things wrong. He too keeps some friends to himself, and he

needs this, as it means I dont have to be involved in every facet of his life.

He has had years of failures with making friends, and the good thing about

Facebook is, like other AS, he can communicate much better by email or computer

than he can face to face. When he needs me, I know he will come to me.

The concern I have in your post is that you seem to be doing all the running.

Are you certain that he is ready for a relationship? And one trap many of us

fall into, is that we become a nurturer, the mummy, the enabler in such

relationships. If this is the case, be prepared to lose your own identity. We

cannot make our AS partners into something they arent. Neither will they die, or

become lesser people if we arent there to support them.

The harsh reality is that most AS, although vulnerable in many ways, and are mad

professors that cant tie their own shoelaces, dont think they need us NT's to

survive. I would disagree with that!

Partners, whether NT or not, may well be peripheral to AS main core lives, the

aim of which is to concentrate on the job in hand, putting aside all other stuff

whilst immersed in another aspect. I was interested in your statement that he

stared at you a lot in the beginning; this is not uncommon, we have heard here

how many have become fascinated by their love, and its not to say they dont

retain that love or that it goes away, but they do move on to other stages very

quickly. Its a done deal, so maybe they dont see that they have to show you the

same level of love as at the beginning. There have been many posts here about

that.

I know Ian loves me, but after 6 months of staring and calling me up, he felt

that he had achieved the goal of our being together, then went back to fixing up

old computers and writing novels! Job done!

I hope that you are able to work something out, but for my money, you are doing

well to get in touch with us here on this site, and to start looking at AS is a

good starting point to knowing if you can deal with that, and if you can work

out a happy arrangement with your man. He needs space, you need patience, and

remember its not like anything else, ever.

Wishing you well

Judy B, Scotland

[Guest guest]

wrote:

>

....A really *useful* essay about trust and understanding in an AS/NT

relationship. Very good advice.

*This* is the way it is, and *exactly* how it works. It ought to be

available on the ASPIRES main pages. ? Helen?

I'm leaving it below, untouched and un-commented. The easier to be read

and RE-read every once in awhile by everyone on this List.

- Bill, dx AS; long-married, still doing well.

>

> Hi, I'm an NT with an AS partner of three years. Â I would say to

> onedreamingmama that the base of any good relationship is trust, whether

> AS or not. Â I don't know much about aspergers, but from my own

> experience with my partner, I find that his reactions to losing trust in

> someone are quite extreme. Â He has ended friendships completely when

> they have treated him badly, even friendships of many years, and never

> looked back. Â I wouldn't be so extreme, but do find that once you lose

> trust in someone, it's very difficult to regain it, but in some cases

> not impossible. Â I don't know what you said 7 months ago, or whether

> you apologized, but if you really want to work it out, maybe it would be

> worth having patience, and giving him lots of love, without expecting.

> Â Maybe he needs to be reassured that you didn't mean it, and that you

> love him and don't want to hurt him and will do what you can for him to

> trust you again. In my boyfriend's case, I think what makes him react in

> such an intense way to losing trust, is that he is not needy of

> relationships in general, and if he finds friends hurt him on purpose,

> (something he's incapable of doing), he just finds it logical to end it,

> as he believes it wasn't a true friendship at all. Â Being with him has

> made me learn to be more sincere and to always examine my motives before

> I speak, so that there are no mind games, nor malicious intent. Â If it

> works out with your boyfriend, it may help you to asses you anger in

> conflicting situations, and be completely honest, rather than lashing

> out at him. Â I was married to an NT for 17 years, and never learned to

> do this with my ex, which would have made the marriage so much better.

> Â Now, when I'm angry, I express it sincerely..ie. " I'm angry because I

> feel this way or that way " .or... " I may be mistaken but I interpret your

> behaviour as being this way or that way, and it makes me feel whatever,

> and I Â would like to understand things better " ...etc...rather than

> turning to insults, assumptions etc...it's not always easy to do, and in

> some situations, you may need time to cool off and reflect before you

> speak, but i can tell you, it has helped me not only with my AS partner

> but with all relationships, including with my children (all NT).

> Â Having this wonderful, peculiar partner in my life, Â not only brings

> out the best of me, but also has helped me to grow as a person to be

> less selfish, less needy and more understanding and tolerant of all

> types of people. I still have a lot to learn, and to understand, but if

> you love someone, it's all part of the journey....don't expect much, but

> if you love this man, give to him for the sake of giving and if he

> doesn't reciprocate, you will at least have experienced the joy of

> loving him, which is not a small thing. Â However, if he is mean or

> tries to hurt you repeatedly, and doesn't stop after you explain to him

> how that makes you feel (he may not know), and that he needs to stop,

> (you may need to spell out exactly what he does that hurts) you may be

> with the wrong person, AS or not... I wish you luck

>

>

- Bill, dx AS

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Your right I don't know how I could have been overlooking the very foundations

of what it really is to love someone. I have printed your words of advice so

that I can read them when I feel frustrated with things and remind myself what

is important. " but if you love someone, it's all part of the journey....don't

expect much, but if you love this man, give to him for the sake of giving and if

he doesn't reciprocate, you will at least have experienced the joy of loving

him, which is not a small thing. "

This is very helpful, thank you.

> >

> >>>

> >>> >

> >>> >

> >>> > Hi, I'm an NT and my boyfriend is aspergian. We have been together for

> >>> > almost a year. For about the last six months we have had nothing but

> >>> > conflict, everything is hard and I feel extremly stressed out like

nothing

> >>> > can be easy in our relationship. Am I doing something wrong? Is this

> >>> > forever? Should I come to the realization that it will always be this

hard?

> >>> > So confused.

> >>> >

> >>> > __.

> >>> >

> >>>

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Your right I don't know how I could have been overlooking the very foundations

of what it really is to love someone. I have printed your words of advice so

that I can read them when I feel frustrated with things and remind myself what

is important. " but if you love someone, it's all part of the journey....don't

expect much, but if you love this man, give to him for the sake of giving and if

he doesn't reciprocate, you will at least have experienced the joy of loving

him, which is not a small thing. "

This is very helpful, thank you.

> >

> >>>

> >>> >

> >>> >

> >>> > Hi, I'm an NT and my boyfriend is aspergian. We have been together for

> >>> > almost a year. For about the last six months we have had nothing but

> >>> > conflict, everything is hard and I feel extremly stressed out like

nothing

> >>> > can be easy in our relationship. Am I doing something wrong? Is this

> >>> > forever? Should I come to the realization that it will always be this

hard?

> >>> > So confused.

> >>> >

> >>> > __.

> >>> >

> >>>

> >

> >

>