Kill or Cure/Nachos

[Guest guest]

The old adage 'kill or cure' - what doesnt fail will be very successful - I think of when I assess what Ian and I are like with his AS.

We know we cant prevent the AS, or even be able to lessen its impact other than by saying its name out loud; its a question of managing it as best we can, together - thats our 'cure'.

In the past, when we were angry and putting up barriers to each other, stubbornly trying to manipulate each other into NT or AS moulds to break down what seemed to be an impassable impasse, that was the 'kill'.

Ian and I know that whatever else, the AS is permanent, its part of our lives, and that finally admitting that has helped us not to flounder on, not to try too hard to find ways of alleviating it, just ways of managing the condition. Once you admit the AS is there and always will be, its a big part of acceptance? Then you can set it aside. Its a big, bitter old pill to swallow, but it needs to be done.

Ian is and always will be, infuriatingly on his own side and no one elses. We shared a bowl of nachos yesterday. AS style sharing, for Ian, is to put his fork right in the middle, where all the sour cream and avocado stuff is. Mine is to grab the cheesy bits that are on the outside and work my way in to the centre, so that it doesnt all collapse. I would have expected Ian to do the same, so we reach the delicious middle bit together.

Needless to say, Ian's 'all life is logic' approach is to take a huge chunk of the most delicious bits of the nachos and mush it all up, shovelling it in his gob. I gave him a look, because in doing so, he was oblivious to sharing, and forgot there was another person there who had to have her due, too. All he thought was 'yum' and off he went.

I ended up with a soggy mass of cheesy bits and Ian had salsa all down his chin.

Moral: if he grabs a fork and dives in, so do you.

When I explained to him that he doesnt do sharing very well, he said, but it was lovely sharing that with you! He truly believed that I had the same as he had, irrespective of the desecration on the plate. I said, where was the sharing, you pulled the plate closer to you, got a huge forkful and left me with the fallout.

Did I? says he. There's the rub. He doesnt realise that he is taking the big forkful, it just comes natural. I have to learn to take the big forkful too, and not wait whilst he does. On equal terms. I need to think of myself and not pander to Ian, and not keep thinking that I am needed, that I am the best thing that has happened to him, or that I can cure him. He can survive and so can I. I deserve the forkful too!

Double portions, next time

Judy B, the snow is melting in Scotland, I can see the ground again.