When is enough enough

[Guest guest]

Hi ,That is so hard! Still, you are NT. Therefore, you will feel good about connecting, right? What if you did not do any demanding of her at all, but simply interacted with her along the lines that she is-- ie reached out to her in her world- to see what would happen? Here is the kind of thing I mean: if there is something absolutely beautiful to you and to her that is shared already, why not bring it or have it around? Why not just be with her and not worry for awhile if she is living up to your expectations? She loved you enough to marry you and go through the physical effort of bearing three of your and her children, and she did not really snap till recently- and may feel very low self-esteem as a result. If you really want a

chance, you will need to help her feel that you can wait for her- and that you love her even if she cannot do all that you can in the NT world- because what woman could live with a man who always reminded her that she was never good enough? This will be really hard for you, because she is not meeting your expectations. Can you love her anyway right now? If you can, then you have a connection to her- and if you love beautiful things and can bring them to her, then you can woo her back. You will be going for counseling very shortly, and there are a large number of practical things which a good counselor might suggest- but if you quit now, then you will never know if any of them would have worked. This kind or feeling of never wanting to kill something while hope is alive has kept me going in ways I thought I woulod not go- is there a name for this feeling- the idea that one must keep a fire burning and not put it out

while there is still a little ight from it, no matter how dim- my faith says that the God I know treats me like that- so it is a way I feel love. To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tuesday, July 28, 2009 11:28:15 PMSubject: when is enough enough

Hey, here i am again. frustrated! I read the book alone together and learned a little bit. the thing is that the guy in the book made an effort to make things better. presently, my wife who lives 3 hours away spends her day crocheting, watching movies and playing on the computer. she can hardly handle any responsibility and has none. she is coming up this weekend which i am dreading very much. How can someone not even call their children on a regular basis. As an NT i have to take care of myself and my kids. I cant keep trying to connect with someone who doesnt want to or now how to

connect.Scooter

[Guest guest]

I spoke with her counselor a couple of times the last two days. She is not seeing things improving in fact she suggested we limit stays to hours not days. I asked my wife to not come this weekend on account of the girls and me not being ready to see her. It hurt me to do that. We are going to meeting on saturday so she can see the girls for a few hours. This was at the suggestion of her counselor. I thank everyone for your words of advice, encouragement and experience. I told my daughters that mommy was not coming but that she was still sick and we would be going to see her. There is a lot of sadness, hurt, even some anger which is not good in any relationship. My daughters understand I hope that mommy loves them and I feel I have to protect them and my wife from further damage. One day at a time!ScooterSent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by AlltelFrom: " Newland" Date: Thu, 30 Jul 2009 00:18:04 -0700To: aspires-relationships<aspires-relationships >Subject: when is enough enough MAYBE, she knew she was in trouble before she had a break with reality and shut down? Maybe she removed herself before she could hurt U or her kids? Maybe, maybe, maybe? U will never know until she starts to get better. It is not about U or the girls right now, but all about her and trying to bridge what ever caused this change or break for her. You? U need to do what ever U have to 2 move FF. Give it some time, seek help, maybe she is giving all she can at the moment. It might not be near enough for U and the kids, but mom is sick and getting help. If U have to call it a day than do it knowing U did everything to save this marriage. Take your time before U make the call. Time is on your side. Her illness is nothing U or the girls did it is just what it is. See what this week end brings. Except her for what she is now and not what U want her to be and see where it goes? If U have a negative attitude before she hits your home than nothing she will do will make a difference. IF U are at least open, than anything is possible, She is wanting to come home. Maybe not on YOUR terms, but she is ill and reaching out. Baby steps from her or maybe no steps at all. Only U can be the judge. Just me.

[Guest guest]

PS:

Dave:

Feel free not to answer my questions as they are personal. I am am open person and I have had to be as a list owner.

Sometimes when U are more specific on what your spouse did, we might have a better idea on how to respond?

For instance, years ago I shared a story when my kids were very young I came home from work one day and my EX/ASPIE left our 3 kids alone and went to work early. That was a safety issue and I ended up quitting my job to stay home so that would never happen again. It is not that he did not love them but his needs trumped our kids safety at the time. He just did not get it. This list was wonderful as I heard responses from both sides.

This tells our readers, WHAT happened, MY feelings at the time. Was I right? Did I over react? Where do I go from here or any other question at the time...

It is your call.

Just me.