Christmas with an Aspie

[Guest guest]

I think you misunderstand... I can see exactly what my husband needs (or what his 'love language' is) I can't see what MINE is. I don't seem to have one (or even two) distinct things that feels like love to me.

Re: Re: Christmas with an Aspie>I think the book Love Languages really helped me to understand.

[Guest guest]

Your translation could have been too literal. Bottom line...What makes you feel

good? What could your spouse do that would make you smile? Is there something

you wish your spouse would do more of? What excites you? Is there something

your spouse could do that would really tick you off? Is there something your

spouse does for others that makes you feel a little jealous? What gives you

peace in your relationship?

My husband asks me for a back scratch nearly every day. He also asks my son to

walk on his back. And of course sex is huge. So touch is at the top of his

list. On the other hand he almost never says to me " Let's go out and do

something. " Quality time doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me.

____________________________________________________________

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I read that book some years ago and didn't find that any one of the love

languages applied to me more than any of the others.... left me sort of lost

and wondering.... Were you able to recognize a specific love language for

your AS husband. I wondered if it's because I'm AS that the book doesn't

seem to do it for me. Or maybe my definitions are too literal... Jennie AS

oddball?

Re: Re: Christmas with an Aspie

>I think the book Love Languages really helped me to understand.

[Guest guest]

Well I know my sister's husband (nt) has gotten her some pretty bizarre

stuff... like getting her kitchen stuff because he likes her to cook! Also

husband's gift giving seems to be a pretty standard complaint among wives.

And it's standard fare for husbands to leave things for the last minute.

Recently on the news they said the biggest shopping day of the year is

actually not black Friday but Christmas eve which is when the stores are

flooded with men. (inferred was: men in a panic) (They said it, not me.) A

few years ago I heard a radio program about this very subject addressing the

topic of husbands and gift giving. That radio program was targeting

marriages in general. Just a thought. Jennie

Re: Re: Christmas with an Aspie

> So maybe this is more of a guy thing than an Aspie thing?

[Guest guest]

Hi Jennie,You're probably right. I've heard that to now that you brought it up. I guess I was just lucky and had a boyfriend that really put thought into gifts. Subject: Re: Re: Christmas with an AspieTo: aspires-relationships Date: Wednesday, December 2, 2009, 3:21 PM

Well I know my sister's husband (nt) has gotten her some pretty bizarre

stuff... like getting her kitchen stuff because he likes her to cook! Also

husband's gift giving seems to be a pretty standard complaint among wives.

And it's standard fare for husbands to leave things for the last minute.

Recently on the news they said the biggest shopping day of the year is

actually not black Friday but Christmas eve which is when the stores are

flooded with men. (inferred was: men in a panic) (They said it, not me.) A

few years ago I heard a radio program about this very subject addressing the

topic of husbands and gift giving. That radio program was targeting

marriages in general. Just a thought. Jennie

Re: [aspires-relationsh ips] Re: Christmas with an Aspie

> So maybe this is more of a guy thing than an Aspie thing?

[Guest guest]

Yes, I am somewhat perplexed at the forethought my husband will put into our

son's birthdays and yet frequently makes little or no preplaning for Christmas,

my birthday in January, or Valentines in February. By the time his birthday

arrives the end of February I am so frustrated. For years I tried not to return

the favor by disregarding his special day. I thought I should do for him what

I'd like him to do for me. Over the last couple of years I have decided to let

him set the tone. This year he did NOTHING and I mean absolutely NOTHING for me

on Valentines day. I had found an old picture of us when we were dating, typed

a short sentiment underneath it and placed it in an inexpensive frame.

So when his birthday came, I decided to put little effort into it. At some

point I had a talk with him about it. " You can't SH*T on me and expect sugar in

return. " It just can't work that way. I will give him this....since then I

have received flowers for no special occasion at all. He is better at that than

employing the executive function it requires to be aware of dates while juggling

his usually overwhelmed state at work and pacing himself in order to be prepared

by a certain day.

I have asked the Lord to help me understand him and why he does what he does so

that I am not so hurt by it...I'm getting closer.

____________________________________________________________

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I think the statement my AS wife made sums it up best. When you are not around I don't think about you! Granted she wants to send our oldest daughter a birthday card but has missed our anniversary and my birthday for the last three years. Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by AlltelFrom: Jennie Unknown <mossbtweenmetoestds (DOT) net>

Date: Wed, 2 Dec 2009 12:07:30 -0800To: <aspires-relationships >Subject: Re: Re: Christmas with an Aspie

I read that book some years ago and didn't find that any one of the love

languages applied to me more than any of the others.... left me sort of lost

and wondering.... Were you able to recognize a specific love language for

your AS husband. I wondered if it's because I'm AS that the book doesn't

seem to do it for me. Or maybe my definitions are too literal... Jennie AS

oddball?

Re: Re: Christmas with an Aspie

>I think the book Love Languages really helped me to understand.

[Guest guest]

samcmaster@... wrote:

<< He is better at that than employing the executive function it

requires to be aware of dates while juggling his usually overwhelmed

state at work and pacing himself in order to be prepared by a certain

day. >>

Is your husband in the sort of professional job where he needs good time

management skills in leading projects, managing subordinates, or is

instrumental in rolling out a product?

If so, all of these tasks require scheduling and assuming responsibility

for dated milestones. If he can do that, he certainly can manage to

calendar important dates in his personal life that require celebrating.

Sometimes people are motivated to do these things at work because they

have to. Then they get sloppy when they go home. I guess their spouses

need to emphasize that these tasks are equally important in their

personal relationship and are *not* optional.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

Well maybe it's both. Some guys are stinky gift givers and some guys are great

gift givers, but are Aspies generally great gift givers?

____________________________________________________________

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Well I know my sister's husband (nt) has gotten her some pretty bizarre

stuff... like getting her kitchen stuff because he likes her to cook! Also

husband's gift giving seems to be a pretty standard complaint among wives.

And it's standard fare for husbands to leave things for the last minute.

Recently on the news they said the biggest shopping day of the year is

actually not black Friday but Christmas eve which is when the stores are

flooded with men. (inferred was: men in a panic) (They said it, not me.) A

few years ago I heard a radio program about this very subject addressing the

topic of husbands and gift giving. That radio program was targeting

marriages in general. Just a thought. Jennie

Re: Re: Christmas with an Aspie

> So maybe this is more of a guy thing than an Aspie thing?

[Guest guest]

Yes! Ironically he is a manager for American Red Cross. I have had to wonder

how he holds down his job. I have chalked it up to maybe he uses it all up

while he's at work. And by the time he gets home he is numb.

samcmaster@... wrote:

<< He is better at that than employing the executive function it

requires to be aware of dates while juggling his usually overwhelmed

state at work and pacing himself in order to be prepared by a certain

day. >>

Is your husband in the sort of professional job where he needs good time

management skills in leading projects, managing subordinates, or is

instrumental in rolling out a product?

If so, all of these tasks require scheduling and assuming responsibility

for dated milestones. If he can do that, he certainly can manage to

calendar important dates in his personal life that require celebrating.

Sometimes people are motivated to do these things at work because they

have to. Then they get sloppy when they go home. I guess their spouses

need to emphasize that these tasks are equally important in their

personal relationship and are *not* optional.

Best,

~CJ

------------------------------------

" We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are

like a symphony.

Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony

It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.

We all contribute to the song of life. "

...Sondra

We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.

ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.

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When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:

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[Guest guest]

Re: Re: Christmas with an Aspie

> Well maybe it's both. Some guys are stinky gift givers and some guys are

> great gift givers, but are Aspies generally great gift givers?<

I think some AS are great gift givers and others stink. I have lots of

family some of whom are great gift givers and others are lousy gift givers

and it doesn't seem to coordinate with those who have AS. My older sister

was a great gift giver and I think more AS than myself, even though she had

virtually no money she still managed to come up with stuff that I liked. I

recently took a picture of one of her gifts and my other sister could

immediately see that it was perfect for me. I got it when I was 17 and I

still have it on my wall. Where as my sister who by all appearances of

social ability and otherwise is NT but pretty much doesn't get the joy of

gift giving, thus her gifts tend to be sort of ... well..... pointless. I

think she means well but really just doesn't get the concept of you have to

think about the other person in order to get them a meaningful gift. Same is

true of other siblings, parents, etc.... my dad, who in my opinion is closer

to NT than myself gives good gifts WHEN he gives them, which is almost

never,my mom who is certainly AS plus a lot of other things like paranoid

and obsessive alternates between giving really good gifts and giving

pointless things, but she never, ever, forgets a birthday for any of her

kids or grandkids... which is probably her one redeeming quality... Go

figure.

Jennie

[Guest guest]

Well that really helps. Sometimes I am not sure which things I am dealing with

are guy-ness and which are aspie-ness.

____________________________________________________________

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Re: Re: Christmas with an Aspie

> Well maybe it's both. Some guys are stinky gift givers and some guys are

> great gift givers, but are Aspies generally great gift givers?<

I think some AS are great gift givers and others stink. I have lots of

family some of whom are great gift givers and others are lousy gift givers

and it doesn't seem to coordinate with those who have AS. My older sister

was a great gift giver and I think more AS than myself, even though she had

virtually no money she still managed to come up with stuff that I liked. I

recently took a picture of one of her gifts and my other sister could

immediately see that it was perfect for me. I got it when I was 17 and I

still have it on my wall. Where as my sister who by all appearances of

social ability and otherwise is NT but pretty much doesn't get the joy of

gift giving, thus her gifts tend to be sort of ... well..... pointless. I

think she means well but really just doesn't get the concept of you have to

think about the other person in order to get them a meaningful gift. Same is

true of other siblings, parents, etc.... my dad, who in my opinion is closer

to NT than myself gives good gifts WHEN he gives them, which is almost

never,my mom who is certainly AS plus a lot of other things like paranoid

and obsessive alternates between giving really good gifts and giving

pointless things, but she never, ever, forgets a birthday for any of her

kids or grandkids... which is probably her one redeeming quality... Go

figure.

Jennie

[Guest guest]

Hi S.,You are really good! I like the way you did this, in that you set things up to model the behavior you expected back- and you were creative enough to create the situation you wanted, without having to be mean about anything. I need to practice thinking about trying to create things like this-- I think it would make me more effective at seeing when others are attempting to create situations, and at being more empathetic with their intent, rather than being intimidated by the process- if I can enjoy the creative efforts of others, it would feel so much nicer than just feeling unable to keep up!To: aspires-relationships Sent: Wed, December 2, 2009 9:21:05 AMSubject: Re: Christmas with an AspieNote: Forwarded message is attached.

The clincher is that 3 of my 4 boys were on a real spinach kick at the time and loved it. So when I asked if she would like some spinach (knowing full well that she would not) the boys had a little bit of fun with this. We were ALL smiling. "How could you NOT like spinach grandma. It's so good for you." I confess that this was somewhat of a passive aggressive strategy, but in the long wrong I think it helped. Actually at this point I treated her the way I would want to be treated. I said "That's okay mom you don't have to eat any. We all have foods that we like and don't like." This Thanksgiving when she offered green beans to the grandkids and they said "no thank you" she di not prerss the issue. TA-DA!!!!

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[Guest guest]

Jennie Unknown wrote:

<< I'm not saying this is what you ladies are doing, but I'm saying

there's a general principal here which is lack of freedom makes me as an

AS person withdraw and need more and more alone time and more and more

space, where as freedom makes me WANT to be with my husband (or others). >>

Hear, hear, Jennie! Perfectly expressed. I know that it works that way

for me as well.

<< Jennie AS honestly kind of likes the idea of a piece of house all to

herself!! >>

Oh, definitely. How about adjoining duplex homes? That way, you both

could go back and forth as the mood strikes, assuming one had the

other's consent. This 'shared' housing alternative also addresses

incompatible housekeeping, toothpaste cap, and toilet seat issues as

well, making for an even better marriage.

I currently live alone (except for the kitties) in a 2000 square foot

home, and I adore it! I would dearly love to remarry again at some

point (no rush), yet I'm not entirely sure that I want to cohabitate.

The more alone time in my 'sanctuary' that I can create for myself (even

if I don't use it), the more I want to be around my partner and others.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

> He hates holidays, so he's never done Christmas trees, Santa, or anything else

for them. Their mom does, though.

** That's ok.. I'll be glad to eat the cookies and drink the milk

> I grew up in a family where holidays and gift giving were very important. I've

had a very hard time adjusting to his way of doing things. Although my teens are

also fine with getting cash for Christmas lol.

** Cash is always good, so are gift cards (my brother was that way alot).

However, I find it most interesting. As I have gotten older, I see things much

more differently than when I was younger. I tend to go for books now Gave

my mom a list of books by Dr. Wayne Dyer.

> As far as social events, it was hard for me to get used to, but I finally

realized he meant it when he said he didn't care if I went without him. So I do.

He even watches our autistic toddler while I go out. I don't do it often, but

there are usually one or two parties I really want to go to.

** If I was married to someone who didn't mind going somewhere without me,

wouldn't be a problem. However, I believe in the saying, " the more the

merrier. " So why not? Go off and party while you have the opportunity. Then

come back and tell him how much of a great time you had

> The only thing we really argue about at the holidays now is our toddler. My

husband doesn't think he really needs anything for Christmas or his birthday

until he's old enough to expect it. I love buying things for our little guy, and

I never have much money to do it, so I'd like to at least buy him things at

Christmas. We usually compromise, and I end up getting just a couple small

things.

** I'm trying to figure out why people argue and why married couples argue and

why people argue for the sake of arguing because there's nothing other than to

argue. I don't like the word, argue. I like to think of it as a " slight

disagreement. "

K.

[Guest guest]

I had " the conversation " with my mom about 18 months ago, when she tried to play

the " I'm concerned about you " card. Was a tremendous feeling at the end of that

telephone call. She will always love me as her adult son. However, she knows

when I'll kindly tell her to " butt out. "

K.

>

> My mother is very controlling in her own way also. I learned to stand up to

> her some years ago.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I can well and truly sympathize with you over this

question. But I have read a bit on the subject and offer the

following thoughts.

Now I’m not referring to grumpy type AS folks who might

tend to complain and argue incessantly, with their inherent disapproval about

the world and all the people in it. rather I’m thinking

of those who are normal NTs and who seem to feel impelled to bicker and

frequently to pick on their partners, getting into what on the surface look

like deadly serious fights.

Some Psychologists have maintained that the couple who don’t

confront each other periodically with queries and demands or complaints, are in

danger of allowing their relationship to fade away in boredom or

ineffectiveness. I tend to feel that AS folk are not

likely to indulge in this sort of communication, because they don’t necessarily

know their partners well enough. Indeed some, and I include myself

in this category don’t really see that one can actually ‘know’

their partners at all. And if you don’t really know your

partner, and cannot read him or her, then you are in danger of not really coming

in contact with them in an intimate way.

Anyway what are the purposes or rationales. You get

to ‘know’ your mate better by confronting or querying or

complaining. You avoid the horrible trap of building up resentments

inside yourself, because you let it out in minor ways. You are used

to being absolutely honest with the partner. You are testing and

trying out your mate in all sorts of ways to let him or her know that you are

not a ‘pushover’. Etc etc.

Now clearly it would seem that it is dangerous and unbalanced if

only one of the partners stimulates this sort of argument or ‘fight’.

Both must do it in order for it to be healthy and effective. One

clamming up, or just seething inside will eventually ruin the relationship.

Many couples it seems get literally turned on sexually by their ‘fights’

and their intimate lives are heavily stimulated when they occur.

Quiet inane routine between partners day after day it seems can be ruinous, and

can bring about no growth, no progress or development.

But any fighting absolutely must be fair and

healthy. A book I bought many years ago has still I think

some very vital and useful things to say on the matter.

It was called THE INTIMATE ENEMY, published in paperback by New

English Library. It was written by Bach and Wyden. Came

out originally in the late 60s and certainly wont be in print now. It

explains in detail just how to ‘fight’ fairly and usefully, and

argues the case for intimate arguments much better than I ever can.

Anyway hope this may be of use to you,

Cheers, Ron.

** I'm trying to figure out why people argue and why married couples argue and

why people argue for the sake of arguing because there's nothing other than to

argue. I don't like the word, argue. I like to think of it as a " slight

disagreement. "

K.

[Guest guest]

Hi Ron,Your paragraph about seething and clamming up, not confronting each other (it was very one sided with us, and I don't enjoy confrontation either, most people would say I'm too nice about that but that's not always a bad thing, I did my best to be respectful when I had to confront anyone), and how quiet inane routine can ruin a relationship. These things were going on, although on my end of it I was grieving and confused and hurt.See I didn't really ever feel married. We had much more conversation that was meaningful before we got married and after I was lucky to see him for 15 minutes a day, except for the once a week dinner out. There was plenty of time when I was healthy and strong that we should have gotten to "know" each other on a deeper level as most married people do, but it never progressed, it pretty much regressed

and I shriveled and got ill almost as if from a constant process of grieving over a non-existent relationship that I was in "for better or worse" for life. ( I took my vows seriously and to this day, if he had an illness requiring care and he needed my help I'd be there no matter what. ) I'll admit, I couldn't handle that idea. It was too much for my brain to handle. Watching my marriage shrivel up and die and I felt helpless to do anything about it and I didn't understand what had possibly gone wrong to cause this to happen, and it started day one after the wedding.Sorry if I'm rambling....Subject: RE: Re: Christmas with an AspieTo:

aspires-relationships Date: Sunday, December 6, 2009, 4:58 AM

Hi , I can well and truly sympathize with you over this

question. But I have read a bit on the subject and offer the

following thoughts. Now I’m not referring to grumpy type AS folks who might

tend to complain and argue incessantly, with their inherent disapproval about

the world and all the people in it. rather I’m thinking

of those who are normal NTs and who seem to feel impelled to bicker and

frequently to pick on their partners, getting into what on the surface look

like deadly serious fights. Some Psychologists have maintained that the couple who don’t

confront each other periodically with queries and demands or complaints, are in

danger of allowing their relationship to fade away in boredom or

ineffectiveness. I tend to feel that AS folk are not

likely to indulge in this sort of communication, because they don’t necessarily

know their partners well enough. Indeed some, and I include myself

in this category don’t really see that one can actually ‘know’

their partners at all. And if you don’t really know your

partner, and cannot read him or her, then you are in danger of not really coming

in contact with them in an intimate way. Anyway what are the purposes or rationales. You get

to ‘know’ your mate better by confronting or querying or

complaining. You avoid the horrible trap of building up resentments

inside yourself, because you let it out in minor ways. You are used

to being absolutely honest with the partner. You are testing and

trying out your mate in all sorts of ways to let him or her know that you are

not a ‘pushover’. Etc etc. Now clearly it would seem that it is dangerous and unbalanced if

only one of the partners stimulates this sort of argument or ‘fight’.

Both must do it in order for it to be healthy and effective. One

clamming up, or just seething inside will eventually ruin the relationship.

Many couples it seems get literally turned on sexually by their ‘fights’

and their intimate lives are heavily stimulated when they occur.

Quiet inane routine between partners day after day it seems can be ruinous, and

can bring about no growth, no progress or development. But any fighting absolutely must be fair and

healthy. A book I bought many years ago has still I think

some very vital and useful things to say on the matter. It was called THE INTIMATE ENEMY, published in paperback by New

English Library. It was written by Bach and Wyden. Came

out originally in the late 60s and certainly wont be in print now. It

explains in detail just how to ‘fight’ fairly and usefully, and

argues the case for intimate arguments much better than I ever can. Anyway hope this may be of use to you, Cheers, Ron.

** I'm trying to figure out why people argue and why married couples argue and

why people argue for the sake of arguing because there's nothing other than to

argue. I don't like the word, argue. I like to think of it as a "slight

disagreement."

K.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Your words so resonate with me.  I have been sitting here

thinking of how we talked and talked in the phone before we actually lived

together.  For hours.  And since the holidays are hard for me and because I am

very stressed about my work situation, I ache for that conversation and

connection now.  I remember once him referring to ‘like being married’ – we did

not marry however.  When I said that I needed that commitment, he was gone –

after 13+ years.  I too felt the relationship shriveled up and died and no

matter how hard I tried to stop that, it never worked. 

I am grieving a lot today however, thinking of the ‘perfect’

relationship that I so wanted and tried for and missing that.

Cheryl

From:

aspires-relationships

[mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of D

Sent: Sunday, December 06, 2009 4:30 PM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: RE: Re: Christmas with an Aspie

Hi Ron,

Your paragraph about seething and clamming up, not confronting each other (it

was very one sided with us, and I don't enjoy confrontation either, most

people would say I'm too nice about that but that's not always a bad thing, I

did my best to be respectful when I had to confront anyone), and how quiet

inane routine can ruin a relationship. These things were going on,

although on my end of it I was grieving and confused and hurt.

See I didn't really ever feel married. We had much more conversation

that was meaningful before we got married and after I was lucky to see him

for 15 minutes a day, except for the once a week dinner out. There was

plenty of time when I was healthy and strong that we should have gotten to

" know " each other on a deeper level as most married people do, but

it never progressed, it pretty much regressed and I shriveled and got ill

almost as if from a constant process of grieving over a non-existent

relationship that I was in " for better or worse " for life. ( I took

my vows seriously and to this day, if he had an illness requiring care and he

needed my help I'd be there no matter what. ) I'll admit, I couldn't

handle that idea. It was too much for my brain to handle.

Watching my marriage shrivel up and die and I felt helpless to do anything

about it and I didn't understand what had possibly gone wrong to cause this

to happen, and it started day one after the wedding.

Sorry if I'm rambling....

Subject: RE: Re: Christmas with an Aspie

To: aspires-relationships

Date: Sunday, December 6, 2009, 4:58 AM

Hi ,

I can well and truly sympathize with

you over this question. But I have read a bit on the subject and

offer the following thoughts.

Now I’m not referring to grumpy type

AS folks who might tend to complain and argue incessantly, with their

inherent disapproval about the world and all the people in

it. rather I’m thinking of those who are normal NTs and who

seem to feel impelled to bicker and frequently to pick on their partners,

getting into what on the surface look like deadly serious fights.

Some Psychologists have maintained

that the couple who don’t confront each other periodically with queries and

demands or complaints, are in danger of allowing their relationship to fade

away in boredom or ineffectiveness. I tend to feel

that AS folk are not likely to indulge in this sort of communication, because

they don’t necessarily know their partners well enough. Indeed

some, and I include myself in this category don’t really see that one can

actually ‘know’ their partners at all. And if you don’t really

know your partner, and cannot read him or her, then you are in danger of not

really coming in contact with them in an intimate way.

Anyway what are the purposes or

rationales. You get to ‘know’ your mate better by confronting or

querying or complaining. You avoid the horrible trap of building

up resentments inside yourself, because you let it out in minor

ways. You are used to being absolutely honest with the

partner. You are testing and trying out your mate in all sorts of

ways to let him or her know that you are not a ‘pushover’. Etc etc.

Now clearly it would seem that it is

dangerous and unbalanced if only one of the partners stimulates this sort of

argument or ‘fight’. Both must do it in order for it to be

healthy and effective. One clamming up, or just seething inside

will eventually ruin the relationship. Many couples it

seems get literally turned on sexually by their ‘fights’ and their intimate

lives are heavily stimulated when they occur. Quiet inane routine

between partners day after day it seems can be ruinous, and can bring about

no growth, no progress or development.

But any fighting absolutely must be

fair and healthy. A book I bought many years ago has still

I think some very vital and useful things to say on the matter.

It was called THE INTIMATE ENEMY,

published in paperback by New English Library. It was written by

Bach and Wyden. Came out originally in the late 60s and certainly

wont be in print now. It explains in detail just how to ‘fight’ fairly

and usefully, and argues the case for intimate arguments much better than I

ever can.

Anyway hope this may be of use to you,

Cheers, Ron.

** I'm trying to figure out why people argue and why married couples argue

and why people argue for the sake of arguing because there's nothing other

than to argue. I don't like the word, argue. I like to think of it as a

" slight disagreement. "

K.

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12:37:00

[Guest guest]

I think accountability is very appropriate amongst family members when it is

done in a spirit of love. Imagine how difficult it would be fore her if she saw

you suffering a consequence which she foresaw coming and neglected to warn you.

Unteachablility and defensiveness leads to ignorance. If someone gathers up the

balls to approach you out of concern, I think you would be wise to gently accept

the advice whether you agree with it or not. Let them know you will take that

idea into consideration and make your own decision from there. But shutting her

off from interjecting her thoughts is like saying " Don't tell me I'm headed for

the edge of a cliff. I'm doing just fine! "

NO you can not let them control your decisions but you still need to let them

voice their opinion. One of these times they might be right!

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I had " the conversation " with my mom about 18 months ago, when she tried to play the " I'm concerned about you " card. Was a tremendous feeling at the end of that telephone call. She will always love me as her adult son. However, she knows when I'll kindly tell her to " butt out. "

K.

>

> My mother is very controlling in her own way also. I learned to stand up to

> her some years ago.