Guest guest Posted August 16, 2009 Report Share Posted August 16, 2009 ,I have hoped for things for years and finally gotten them, and here, there are several examples. I don't think it is fair to say that just because one person's hope failed, we should all quit hoping. There is a time and a place for everything. I think that there are plenty of times when someone uses lack of faith to justify leaving when it is not yet time to do that- and I have seen examples here, where someone had not really given things a serous try, but was ready to blame AS for every ill in the world, and walk off. I believe you even advised them to think first, or someone else here did-- there have been a number of these things since I have been here.I think that the test of waiting and reflecting needs to be applied. If someone acts hastily, it leads to error. I know you never counsel that (at least I have never seen you say this to anyone), and I have had to learn not to react too quickly on things or to take the words of an angry NT literally- but give the person time and space to reflect- and this has been really hard for me to learn- but I think it makes a lot of sense here.I think that there are particular signs of when one is being an enabler. I have had people ask me to do things that contribute directly to error, and I would not do them (the details do not matter for this list, but I will be glad to tell them off-list). I did not stop a grown person from anything,but just made it clear that I was not going to be part of that. In other cases, there is something more than AS in play- for example, a need to control another person, or an unacknowledged history of abuse that will not go away unless confronted- or a family member who is enabling things (e.g. a man who believes his mother before he believes his wife, and a mother-in-law who takes his son's part no matter what). I do not know who first said this, and would love to give proper credit- AS are developmentally delayed- not arrested.We may not get things in the same way or time as NS folk do, but we can get there. Being "hopeless" about this assumes that we are arrested, in the absence of another concurrent thing that affects the relationship.To: aspires-relationships Sent: Sunday, August 16, 2009 5:38:53 AMSubject: Is "hope" an addiction? I was at the library today and picked up Cloris Leachman new book. At the end of her book she writes about her son that died of drugs and his addiction and her addiction was HOPE. HOPE can be an enabler and denial and equally toxic like drugs, because with HOPE one has a purpose and a thread to hang on to. HOPE means maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I think I felt this with Larry my ex-ASPIE for years and clung to this as "I" needed to believe this. I never got it till after the divorce. There was no cure or fix especially for a adult in denial or one that choose not to change. The abuse would of become my legacy if I had not left. If HOPE is an addiction, I certainly had an abundance of it when I was married and trying to sort it out. It just enabled Larry and kept me in denial. Interesting analogy. Others? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2009 Report Share Posted August 16, 2009 Princess wrote: > , > > I have hoped for things for years and finally gotten them, and here, > there are several examples. I don't think it is fair to say that just > because one person's hope failed, we should all quit hoping. [ snip ] > > I do not know who first said this, and would love to give proper credit- > > AS are developmentally delayed- not arrested. Moi, ...I believe. It's a statement, a truism even, that everyone should remember. Thank you, but I don't need or especially want credit. - Bill, dx AS -- WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2009 Report Share Posted August 16, 2009 Bill,You are ASpie to the core- Merci for telling me where I heard it! I am tempted to stick it in my signature block.To: aspires-relationships Sent: Sunday, August 16, 2009 5:47:20 PMSubject: Re: Is "hope" an addiction? Princess wrote: > , > > I have hoped for things for years and finally gotten them, and here, > there are several examples. I don't think it is fair to say that just > because one person's hope failed, we should all quit hoping. [ snip ] > > I do not know who first said this, and would love to give proper credit- > > AS are developmentally delayed- not arrested. Moi, ...I believe. It's a statement, a truism even, that everyone should remember. Thank you, but I don't need or especially want credit. - Bill, dx AS -- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USA http://home. earthlink. net/~wdloughman/ wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Princess wrote: > Bill, > > You are ASpie to the core- Merci for telling me where I heard it! I am > tempted to stick it in my signature block. " To the core " : likely I s'poze. Please, ...be my guest. - Bill, dx AS > > > > *From:* WD Loughman > *To:* aspires-relationships > *Sent:* Sunday, August 16, 2009 5:47:20 PM > *Subject:* Re: Is " hope " an addiction? > > Princess wrote: [ snip ] > > I do not know who first said this, and would love to give proper credit- > > > > AS are developmentally delayed- not arrested. > > Moi, ...I believe. It's a statement, a truism even, that everyone > should remember. Thank you, but I don't need or especially want credit. > > - Bill, dx AS [ snip ] -- WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Bill,Thanks! What is the exact quote?Developmentally delayed, but not arrested : ~ ) To: aspires-relationships Sent: Sunday, August 16, 2009 6:58:40 PMSubject: Re: Is "hope" an addiction? Princess wrote: > Bill, > > You are ASpie to the core- Merci for telling me where I heard it! I am > tempted to stick it in my signature block. "To the core": likely I s'poze. Please, ...be my guest. - Bill, dx AS > > > > *From:* WD Loughman <wdloughman@earthlin k.net> > *To:* aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) com > *Sent:* Sunday, August 16, 2009 5:47:20 PM > *Subject:* Re: [aspires-relationsh ips] Is "hope" an addiction? > > Princess wrote: [ snip ] > > I do not know who first said this, and would love to give proper credit- > > > > AS are developmentally delayed- not arrested. > > Moi, ...I believe. It's a statement, a truism even, that everyone > should remember. Thank you, but I don't need or especially want credit. > > - Bill, dx AS [ snip ] -- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USA http://home. earthlink. net/~wdloughman/ wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Princess wrote: > Bill, > > Thanks! What is the exact quote? Heh. I'm embarrassed to admit I've no idea. I remember pretty clearly writing it, or something very close. But I *don't* remember how long ago, or to whom. A quick search of my recent records didn't turn up anything for this year. So yes, " aspie to the core " , I've turned my machine to searching for all occurrences of the one word " arrest " , in any file. It's only an hour & 45-minutes into the first 40GB partition. That leaves maybe 350GB still to go... *IF* I find anything, you'll be the first to know. Unfortunately I keep only about half the ASPIRES posts and other semi-transient material; I might have tossed out the relevant file. But hey! It's a Good Phrase and *should* be remembered by everyone. Why not just *use* it, attributed to " anon " ? > > > > Developmentally delayed, but not arrested : ~ ) [ snip ] - Bill, dx AS; ... " the dog ate my homework " . -- WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 ,I kind of included your relationship in there, when I mentioned the whole pride issue: if anyone, NS or AS, has a "my way or the highway" issue, then there will be difficulties. Of course, we should ideally all wait to be perfect before becoming husbands or wives or parents, but in reality, nobody really does that, AS or NS. My feeling is that each partner should be willing. Each should be caring enough to try to be creative. Maybe, you cannot solve all the problems at once, but each party should be interested in trying to improve each week- if possible, each day. When one or the other gets into blaming, then there can be trouble, because either side can shut down pretty fast under those conditions.In your situation, you still love each other a lot, but find it better when living apart. Would you ever consider remarrying again, or do you still have really strong feelings for him? Does he have really strong feelings for you? My feeling is that I will need space when I marry, to leave projects out, when i am not finished with them, to help me balance my desire to be able to leave them and move onto the next thing before I am completely done, with my desire to keep a project moving along efficiently- and with weak visual memory, the time required for setup and take-down can be pretty lengthy for me. So, I plan to ask him if it would be OK to have my own office or study. I am sure he will not mind, once he gets to know me- amd perhaps, he will get his own, too. I will add ceiling tiles, or whatever I need for quiet- but I do have a good sense of time, and will keep time in my area to what is sensible: namely, I will not use it as a place to wall other people out for long periods of time (I would hate this if it were done to me). My rule will be that papers in there need to remain undisturbed: I have difficulty finding things when others move it. That done, I will keep plenty of timepieces handy, and I love schedules, and will make sure there is time to be with people when needed or wanted or when i want to or just because I like little people and my husband-to-be-when-we-meet-each-other... I wonder what his needs will be in this regard. I don't even mind if anyone knocks on the door.Since I am that way, I wonder if your ex would have been a better person with his own study, or if it went far deeper than that. My imression was that leaving was his decision as well- am I right about this? I know that each relationship is different, and I can't say I understand anything without asking. I know you tried to make it work for years.I would love to learn more, and wish I could read the now-unavailable archives.To: aspires-relationships Sent: Sunday, August 16, 2009 11:22:51 PMSubject: Is "hope" an addiction? : I was just commenting on Cloris's words in her book and on "my" marriage. I was not speaking for anyone else. No 2 with AS are alike so how are families to know that a person with AS will catch up some where down the line? How long does it take? Is there any research that supports "all" folks dx. with AS will eventually catch up and if so what is the time span? Here is a question for U: If a person with AS has delayed relationship skills needed for marriage wouldn't it make sense that they delay marrying till their skill set catches up with them where it would be more of an even match? I was watching Oprah Friday and they were saying the dating game has changed. Many women no longer need a man to provide for them as they have good jobs and are looking for other attributes like companionship etc.. The mating game is changing for some folks. Just me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 ,What will you be studying? To: aspires-relationships Sent: Sunday, August 16, 2009 11:36:35 PMSubject: Is "hope" an addiction? .... Me? Just finishing up a ton of paperwork to go back to school full time and improve my life. MY choice. Life is full of choices. Just me. Who has tons of HOPE! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 FOMCLOL! To: aspires-relationships Sent: Sunday, August 16, 2009 11:37:23 PMSubject: Re: Is "hope" an addiction? Princess wrote: > Bill, > > Thanks! What is the exact quote? Heh. I'm embarrassed to admit I've no idea. I remember pretty clearly writing it, or something very close. But I *don't* remember how long ago, or to whom. A quick search of my recent records didn't turn up anything for this year. So yes, "aspie to the core", I've turned my machine to searching for all occurrences of the one word "arrest", in any file. It's only an hour & 45-minutes into the first 40GB partition. That leaves maybe 350GB still to go... *IF* I find anything, you'll be the first to know. Unfortunately I keep only about half the ASPIRES posts and other semi-transient material; I might have tossed out the relevant file. But hey! It's a Good Phrase and *should* be remembered by everyone. Why not just *use* it, attributed to "anon"? > > > > Developmentally delayed, but not arrested : ~ ) [ snip ] - Bill, dx AS; ..."the dog ate my homework". -- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USA http://home. earthlink. net/~wdloughman/ wdl.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.